Wednesday, March 12, 2003        Edition: #2495
Another Sheetload of Bull!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Pamela Anderson (aka ‘The Silicone Valley’) says she performed a DIY tattoo removal by slicing off her ‘Tommy Lee’ tat (fortunately, the ink was on her totally useless ring finger) . . . Meantime, a new “Loaded” magazine poll shows that Pam Anderson is still the most searched, downloaded and generally ogled woman on the Internet – by far! . . . 9-months pregnant Catherine Zeta-Jones will reportedly have a medical team on standby at the Academy Awards in case the shock of winning (or losing) results in sudden labor (organisers have wisely given her an aisle seat near an exit) . . . Stardust Hotel oddsmakers in Vegas have made “Chicago” the 7 to 5 favorite to win the ‘Best Picture’ Oscar, followed by “Gangs Of New York” at 2 to 1 . . . In APRIL, Starbucks will begin offering a compilation CD of Sheryl Crow’s favorite tunes, including tracks by Aretha Franklin, Bob Dylan and The Beatles . . . And 20-year-old LeAnn Rimes will play a young Connie Francis in an upcoming episode of “American Dreams”, singing the 1961 hit “Where The Boys Are”.

NEW JARGON WATCH:
• ‘Ozzied’ – Inspired by Ozzy Osbourne, it’s a condition whereby sufferers can remember the ’60s but can’t remember what they did 2 minutes ago. (“What? I already took out the garbage? Man, I’m Ozzied!”)
• ‘Bling-Bling’ – Flashy jewelry, watches, etc. A fashion staple of the hip-hop culture. (“You be lookin’ fine ‘cept for the bling-bling hanging from your nose, baby!”)
• ‘Pain Points’ – A term that originated with acupuncture but is now being used to describe weak spots in a company, employee, project, etc. (“When it comes to the morning team, [co-host] seems to be the pain point.”)

SO, ARE YOU ON THE PATCH?
The world’s first ‘contraceptive patch’ for women could be available within a year. According to a study in the “Journal of the American Medical Association”, the new form of birth control may trigger the biggest family planning revolution since the pill. In experiments, women found it easier to use the patch more consistently than the pill. Each works for a week. Women would be prescribed 3 to wear consecutively, then spend the 4th week patch-free. (After sex, you just roll over and slap on a nicotine patch.)

I KNOW YOU – ‘89 FORD, RIGHT?
A new study in the APRIL issue of the journal “Nature Neuroscience” finds that men who really like cars recognize the various models using the same part of the brain that most people use to identify faces – what’s known as the ‘fusiform face area’. It appears that car aficionados who are proud to brag that they can identify every make and model may have problems identifying faces. Seems they get a ‘traffic jam’ in that part of the brain.

EXPRESS ROUTE:
North Korea has just opened a new 4-lane superhighway with a great deal of fanfare. It’s not likely to become too congested, however, because there are hardly any private cars in the entire country. An official confirms that the only private cars are those given by the government to famous actors and Olympic gold medal winners. (“And we see no problems this morning northbound, but a water buffalo seems to have wandered onto the southbound lanes. Seems to be grazing all the vegetation growing up through the cracks …”)

HOLLYWOOD TAX TIPS:
Website Taxtuneup.com has released a few tips celebs could use on this year’s tax return –
• Michael Jackson could claim his nose surgeries as a business expense because he says he had them in order to to hit higher notes.
• Ozzy Osbourne could deduct his televised wedding vow renewals to Sharon as a business expense.
• Good news for Helene Eksterowicz, the all-but-bride from “The Bachelor” who may not have married Aaron Buerge, but the 2-carat engagement rock he gave her is a non-taxable gift.

TWIST MY ARM:
A $100,000 dispute between 2 New Zealand companies has been settled in – an arm wrestling match. Telecommunications companies Teamtalk and MCS Digital squared off after they were unable to reach an agreement on access to a mobile radio network. The dispute was heading for court until the CEOs agreed to decide it in a best-of-3 arm wrestling match. Defeated TeamTalk exec David Ware says, “Sure, losing hurts but not nearly as much as paying lawyers’ bills!”

NUTS TO YOU – FINALLY!
THIS WEEK’s “New England Journal of Medicine” reports that life-threatening reactions to peanuts may soon be a thing of the past. An experimental new treatment of monthly injections seems to successfully suppress severe reactions in people who risk death from the slightest amount of peanut protein. Upwards of 100 people die annually in North America from the allergy. It can be so severe that people suffer symptoms just from kissing someone who has eaten peanuts. (Moms will be thrilled they can quit reading all the tiny-print labels to make sure the kids’ school lunches are totally peanut-free.)

MOST COMMON EMERGENCY ROOM CASES:
Gun shot wounds? Stabbings? Impalements? Fugettabout it. Here’s what most patients admitted to ER complain about –
10. Pain, site not specific.
9. Symptoms referable to the throat.
8. Shortness of breath.
7. Back symptoms.
6. Laceration and cuts.
5. Cough.
4. Headache.
3. Fever.
2. Chest pain.
1. Stomach & abdominal pain or cramps.
Source: National Center for Health Statistics

BS AMAZING FACT:
In congested Tokyo, a bicycle will get you further than a car in most trips under 50 minutes. (So quit bitching about the traffic this morning!)

THE BULL SHEET 03.12.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1946 [57] Liza Minnelli, Hollywood CA, self-possessed singer/stage & movie actress (Oscar-“Cabaret”)/youngest to ever win Tony Award at age 19 (“Flora, the Red Menace”-1965)/Judy Garland’s daughter  NOTE: SUNDAY is the 1st anniversary of her marriage to producer David Gest and they’re throwing a party for 1,200 guests APRIL 15th to celebrate.

1948 [55] James Taylor, Boston MA, oldies singer (“Fire & Rain”, “You’ve Got a Friend”)

1953 [50] Ron Jeremy (Hyatt), Long Island NY, rotund porn film legend whose appeared in over 750 productions  FACTOID: He’s releasing the DVD documentary “Porn Star: The Legend of Ron Jeremy” MARCH 25th.

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National Organize Your Home Office Day”. Get people with home offices to call in, then ask “What are you wearing right now?” Studies show an inordinate number of those who work at home inexplicably still dress in office attire every day in order to get into ‘work mode’.

TODAY is the 91st anniversary of the formation of “Girl Guides” (later changed to ‘Girl Scouts’ in the USA). Daisy Gordon of Savannah GA gathered a troop in 1912 and taught them how to milk a cow, how to tie up a burglar and the complicated art of boiling water. Now through the end of April is when the annual cookie drive is underway in most areas, a good time to hold a competition for the ‘Best Cookie Sales Pitch’. Select the winner and buy 100 boxes from her to hand out. The Girl Scout slogan is ‘Do a good turn daily.’ THIS WEEK is “Girl Scout Week”, honoring all Scouts, Guides, Brownies, Sprouts and whatever other ranks there are – hats off to our women in uniform!

ON THIS DAY . . .
1894 [109] Coca-Cola 1st sold in bottles (before that, by the handful?)

1948 [55] 1st chapter of ‘Hell’s Angels Motorcycle Club’ by a breakaway group of the Pissed Off Bastards in San Bernardino CA

1951 [52] 1st “Dennis the Menace” comic strip, as cartoonist Hank Ketchum names him after his son (‘Dennis’ officially turns 6 every March 12th)

1969 [34] 1st ‘bell-bottom jeans’ (Levi Strauss Co)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Ear Muff Day
[Thurs] Good Samaritan Day
[Thurs] Open an Umbrella Indoors Day
[Fri] Potato Chip Day
[Sat] Ides of March
[Mon] Gulf War 2?
[Mon] St Patrick’s Day
This Week Is . . . Education Advocacy Week / National Agriculture Week
This Month Is . . . National Baby Month / National Frozen Food Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
LEAST POPULAR TV REALITY SHOWS:
• “Idle American”
• “Big Mother”
• “Celebrity Hole”
• “Beer Factor”
• “Survivor: Saskatoon”
• “Divorced by America”
• “Man Versus Mother-in-Law”
• “Meet My Homies”
• “Joe Dumb Construction Worker”

WORST SPRING BREAK DESTINATIONS:
• Cardinal Law’s summer cottage, Cape Cod MA.
• The National Oceanic & Atmospheric Administration’s South Pole Observatory, Antarctica.
• The Milwaukee County Zoo’s World O’ Scorpions Habitat, Milwaukee WI.
• Butterfest!, Lancaster County PA.
• Grandma Gizzy’s Discount Whorehouse, Carson City NV.
• Daytona Beach FL.
Source: “Maxim”, March 2003

PICTURE THIS:
• Halle Berry turned down the role of ‘Annie’ & Stephen Baldwin turned down the role of ‘Jack’ in the movie “Speed”, the film that made Sandra Bullock & Keanu Reeves major stars.
• Ronald Reagan was considered to play ‘Rick’ in “Casablanca” before Humphrey Bogart.
• Both Laurence Olivier & Danny Thomas were considered for the title role in “The Godfather”.
• Robert Redford rejected the title role in “The Graduate” that eventually went to Dustin Hoffman, and Doris Day turned down the role of ‘Mrs Robinson’, who was played by Anne Bancroft.
• OJ Simpson was considered for the title role in “The Terminator” before Ahnuld.
Source: Claude Knobler’s “Hollywood Report”.

FIND THE FAKE:
Two of the following are actual headlines from trashy tabloids, the other one is a fake. But which one?
GAME #1 –
• “Lost Doggy Travels 100 Miles to Come Home … And Attack the Owner Who Abandoned Him!”
• “Scots Built the Pyramids!”
• “Saddam Is Also Hiding Botanical Weapons!” [FAKE]

GAME #2 –
• “Wife Divorces Hubby For Cheating With Her Multiple Personalities!” [FAKE]
• “Miracle Healings Performed by a Turtle!”
• “Lovesick Emu Traps Man in House – For Two Days!”

IT PAYS TO BE IGERNANT:
Contestant must answer all 10 rapid-fire questions WRONG to win the prize. It’s a lot tougher than it sounds!
• Who’s the President of Iraq? (Can’t say Saddam Hussein.)
• What’s the year 2003 in Roman numerals? (Can’t say M-M-I-I-I.)
• What won the Academy Award for ‘Best Picture’ last year? (Can’t say “A Beautiful Mind”.)
• What is known as ‘man’s best friend’? (Can’t say a dog.)
• What’s the capital of Saskatchewan? (Can’t say Regina.)
• Name a common illness kids give each other in kindergarten.
• Spell the word ‘sphinx’.
• Who’s the star of “CSI”? (Can’t say William Petersen.)
• Which are smarter – dogs or cats? (You decide if they’re wrong.)
• What day is it?

BS Q&A:
Q: What’s the most popular sport as a topic for movies?
A: Boxing.
Source: “Useless Facts”

BS BLATANT JOKE:
Man: Do you want to dance?
Woman: No thanks, loser!
Man: I think you misheard me. I said you look fat in those pants.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: By doing this for 45 minutes you’ll burn 113 calories, and you’ll really impress the guys too!
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Play pool.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

 


Printer Friendly Version