Tuesday, March 11, 2003        Edition: #2494
Sheet Happens!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Here’s an odd couple – wacked “Rush Hour” actor Chris Tucker has been dating the world’s top chick ball-whacker, Serena Williams (her forearms are bigger around than he is) . . . Reba McEntire has heeded warnings from colleagues that she was becoming Hollywood’s next waaay skinny ‘lollipop head’ and relaxed her fitness regime to gain a healthy 10 lbs . . . The producers of the “Girls Gone Wild” videos have moved their 1st-ever pay-per-view Spring Break TV special to South Padre Island TX after being warned by Panama City Beach FL officials that anyone getting naked in public would be arrested . . . 40-year-old Red Hot Chili Peppers singer Anthony Kiedis promises to talk openly about his drug addiction in his upcoming autobiography to be called “Scar Tissue”, scheduled for release late NEXT YEAR to coincide with the band’s 20th anniversary . . . “Spider-Man” actor Tobey Maguire has reportedly resigned his membership in Leonardo DiCaprio’s skirt-chasing ‘Pussy Posse’ and will wed Jennifer Meyer, the daughter of Universal Studios chief Ron Meyer THIS SUMMER . . . Word is producers of “The Sopranos” are considering killing off James Gandolfini’s character ‘Tony’ in the next season if his outrageous money demands continue – he’s now reportedly asking over $2 million per episode . . . Country superstar Tim McGraw has announced a portion of sales from his upcoming tour will go to the Red Cross . . . Russell Crowe has turned down a $2-million-plus offer for exclusive rights to his wedding pictures from the UK’s trashy “Hello!” magazine (learning a lesson from the Michael Douglas/Catherine Zeta-Jones fiasco) . . . And we all snorted when Limp Bizkit’s Fred Durst used the word ‘agreeance’ in his “Grammy Awards” anti-war rant, right? Seems we were all wrong – language experts with the “Oxford English Dictionary” are all in agreeance that he actually used the word CORRECTLY (but we’re willing to bet, not knowingly).

TODAY’S DVD & VHS RELEASES:
Jake Gyllenhaal, Dustin Hoffman & Susan Sarandon star in the drama “Moonlight Mile”, the story of a young man who finds himself falling in love with another woman while he’s still living with his late fiancée’s grieving parents . . . In the no-name thriller “Swimfan”, a high school senior with a promising swimming career has a one-night stand with sinister consequences . . . Strange happenings occur on a WW II sub in the horror thriller “Below” . . . And French Stewart replaces Matthew Broderick in Disney’s straight-to-video comedy sequel “Inspector Gadget 2″ (there’s always a reason they go straight-to-video).

BLIND AMBITION:
Hong Kong’s China Entertainment Television is under fire for planning a reality show in which disabled contestants compete against able-bodied people. The show “Count Our Blessings” would pit a team with visual, hearing or speech impairments against a team wearing dark glasses, mouth gags or headphones blasting loud music. The idea is to promote understanding of those with disabilities as well as provide entertainment. Local lobby group ‘Movement Against Discrimination’ claims the concept is dangerous, saying disabilities are no laughing matter. (Good idea or bad?)

MALCONTENT MALES:
A new study shows men are grumpier than women about their jobs. The biggest whiners are men aged 20-29 years, while the happiest workers are women aged 50-59 years. (Does that stack up where you work?)

HARD TO GET:
A new anti-impotence drug called Cialis is said to be the 1st revolution in oral medication for erectile dysfunction since Viagra was launched 5 years ago. It purportedly lasts 9 times longer than Viagra, taking 16 minutes to work and providing couples with a 36-hour opportunity to
initiate sex. So far, it’s only available in Europe, Australia & New Zealand – where stocks have been quickly selling out. (If we can’t get this in Canada, how are we supposed to stand on guard?)

BUT DON’T ORDER DOUBLE-DOUBLE:
According to Japanese scientists at the Tokyo University Hospital, greater consumption of coffee tends to lower the blood sugar count, reducing the risk of contracting adult diabetes. It seems there are substances in coffee that appear to counter the onset of the disease. The researchers hope to pinpoint whatever it is so it can be  to be used in the prevention and possible cure of diabetes.

BODY WORK:
Hey plastic surgery fans, ever heard of this one – ‘nipple enlargement surgery’? According to the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery, well over 500 men and women have had the procedure done in just the past year. It involves injections of collagen or silicone, plus implants or cartilage taken from the patient’s ear. Why would anyone bother? One plastic surgeon suggests it’s because some people want to perpetually have the ‘teasing look’ of erect nipples. Other patients are simply nipple fetishists. Not surprisingly, they’re mostly men.

REAL LIFE “MINORITY REPORT”:
Security experts at Britain’s Kingston University are developing CCTV (Closed Circuit TV) systems that will be able to spot crimes BEFORE they happen. The hi-tech systems will be programmed to recognize certain types of suspicious behavior in public places, then automatically alert security staff. The first systems will be developed for train stations.

FOR THE RECORD:
• A team of 4 New Zealanders will attempt the 1st combined ski and snowboard descent from 7000m (23,000 ft) up Mount Everest on the 50th anniversary of Sir Edmund Hillary’s historic 1st ascent of the world’s tallest mountain. The expedition begins MAY 7 in Katmandu, Nepal. (Forget the half-pipe – these dudes must have had a full one!)
• 50,000 Irish rugby fans will attempt to set a world record for the largest karaoke session at a game this SATURDAY in Dublin. (50,000 singing karaoke? Forget Baghdad – bomb there!)

CAT ATTACK:
A man had to be rescued at his home near Greenwood NS after he was trapped in the bathroom by his – cat. It took 2 Mounties and an animal control officer to subdue the snarling and hissing 7-year-old calico named ‘Cathy’ who had apparently gone berserk. (Vets say calicos are noted for being vicious, particularly with strangers. Ask listeners for stories of cruel cats – nothing gets your phones ringing like animal stories!)

AND WE QUOTE:
“Of course people don’t want war. Tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism. It works the same in any country.”
– Nazi Reichsmarshall Herman Goering

THE BULL SHEET 03.11.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1931 [72] Rupert Murdoch, Melbourne AUS, media magnate (FOX-TV, News Corp)/sports mogul (LA Dodgers)

1934 [69] Sam Donaldson, El Paso TX, ABC News journalist with worst toupee on TV

1963 [40] Alex Kingston, London ENG, TV actress (Dr Elizabeth Corday Greene-“ER” since 1997)

1968 [35] Lisa Loeb (as in ‘whatever happened to …?’), Bethesda MD, pop singer (“I Do”, “Stay”)

1971 [32] Johnny Knoxville (Phillip John Clapp), Knoxville TN, movie actor (“Jackass: The Movie”, “Men in Black II“)/MTV prankster (“Jackass”)  FACTOID: He was once offered a spot on “Saturday Night Live”, but turned it down.

1982 [21] Thora Birch, LA CA, movie actress (“Ghost World”, “American Beauty”)  NOTE: Parents named her after ‘Thor’, the Norse god of lightning and she actually has a younger brother named – Bolt.

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Worship of Tools Day” (aka “National Tool Appreciation Day”), celebrating men’s inexplicable fascination with high-priced gizmos. (What tool did you buy that you’ve never even used?)

TODAY is “Johnny Appleseed Day”, celebrated on the anniversary of his death. Yes, there really was a Johnny Appleseed. His real name was John Chapman when he was born in Massachusetts in 1774. He didn’t just walk around the country sprinkling apple seeds all over the place. He was a serious nurseryman who set out orchards in the wilderness of the Midwest. He then gave or sold trees to pioneers who depended on apples as a staple in their diets.

THIS WEEK is “International Brain Awareness Week”. (Note: to be aware of one, you first have to have one.)

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1997 [06] Paul McCartney is knighted by Britain’s Queen Elizabeth II, becoming ‘Sir Paul’

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
105 [1898] 1st ‘paper’ invented by Ts’ai Lun in China, using bamboo, mulberry, fish nets and rags        

1912 [91] 1st Stanley Cup game played in three 20-minute periods, formerly played in 30-minute halves (Québec beats Moncton 9-3)

1935 [68] Canada’s central bank, the ‘Bank of Canada’ is established “to regulate credit and currency in the best interests of the economic life of the nation”

1986 [17] NFL adopts ‘instant replay rule’ allowing refs to review videotape of plays when calls are in question (thereby adding another hour to the average game)

1989 [14] 1st episode of “Cops” on FOX-TV (“Whatcha gonna do bad boy bad boy . . .”)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1978 [25] Bobby Hull (Brett’s pop) of the Winnipeg Jets joins Gordie Howe by getting career goal number 1,000 in a game vs Quebec Nordiques

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] Girl Scouts Birthday
[Wed] Organize Your Home Office Day
[Thurs] Ear Muff Day
[Fri] National Single Fathers Who Are Not Leeches on Society Day
[Sat] Ides of March
[Mon] Gulf War 2?
[Mon] St Patrick’s Day
This Week Is . . . Girl Scout Week / National Older Persons Employment Week
This Month Is . . . National Noodle Month / Women’s History Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS EARS PERSONALITY PROFILE:

The shape, size and position of your ears helps people form opinions about you. Choose the best description of yours from the following –
• Positioned forward on your head toward your face – People feel you are conservative and don’t like change. People also consider you to have a long memory. You are perceived as unforgiving, yet polite. You also have many strange dreams.
• Positioned toward the back of your head – People think you are aggressive, have a healthy ego and are optimistic. You are most likely to have trouble sleeping.
• Low on your head – People consider you idealistic and goal-oriented. People think you get upset easily when things go wrong. You are most likely to be able to wiggle your ears.
• Large – If you have ears bigger than normal, people feel you care about others’ feelings and that you are generous. You are talented in the creative arts – painting, drawing and acting.
• Small – People expect you to get along well with others and think you are hardworking. You are considered easily influenced by others and a lover of gracious living. You are an intuitive person. Although you can’t read minds, you are aware of what other people are thinking and feeling. Be careful with this talent – it can annoy others!
• Long lobed – Wisdom is expected to be your chief personality trait. People feel you are a good listener, but you are also perceived as stubborn and some view you as a bully.
• Pointed – If you have pointed ears, people think you are temperamental yet clever and charming. Your career line is best in banking and the financial world. You also feel your sense of humor is often misunderstood.

BS WHYZITS:
• Whyzit most people raise their voice rather then reinforcing their point?
• Whyzit the qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can’t stand years later?
• Whyzit people nod their heads when answering a drive-thru speaker?
• Whyzit sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble?
• Whyzit the chance of a surprise visit by your in-laws is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home?
• Whyzit there are no ‘fathers with babies’ parking spaces?

BS ‘5 IN TEN’ GAME:
Contestant has 10 seconds to name 5 items in each category –
• 5 Canadian hockey teams.
• 5 English-speaking countries.
• 5 things you’d put in a salad.
• 5 items you keep hidden.
• 5 animals you might keep as pets.

ONLINE PURSUIT:
“The Bull Sheet” gave you several previews of the 20th Anniversary Edition of “Trivial Pursuit” LAST FALL. Now you can play the game FREE online (or pay a whopping 60 bucks in a store). If you’re looking for fresh ideas for trivia questions, check it out! The graphics are a tad slow to play live, so you’ll want to preview questions and answers before playing with a listener.
NET: http://www.trivialpursuit.com/flash/20th_preloader.shtml

BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “Do women want the truth or compliments?”
• “What’s the most valuable thing you have ever garbage-picked?”
• “Are Canadian men romantic?”
• “What’s the worst abuse of an expense account you’ve heard of?”

BS BLATANT JOKE:
McDonald’s has announced that they’re now going to use 100% white chicken meat for their McNuggets. This is bad news for at least one farmer who says, “This is sure gonna kill my weasel business.”

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 3 out of 10 young men do this on a regular basis, but they don’t tell anyone.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Shave their chests.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
The only thing most people do better than anyone else is read their own handwriting.

 


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