March 7, 2003

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Friday, March 7, 2003        Edition: #2492
More From Your Bovine Stool Dispenser!

TODAY British PM Tony Blair will be on MTV for an hour-long Q&A with kids from around-the-world on the topic “Is War The Answer?” . . . TOMORROW is the debut of a country version of “American Idol” as a dozen aspiring country stars begin living together while competing for a recording contract on USA Network’s “Nashville Star” . . . SUNDAY at the 9th annual “Screen Actors Guild [SAG] Awards” Ray Romano will present a ‘Life Achievement Award’ to Clint Eastwood . . . SUNDAY is the trashy pay-per-view seance “The Spirit Of Diana” in which Princess Di supposedly appears but the crew – quote – ‘had a hard time capturing her due to a variety of unusual technical troubles’ . . . SUNDAY is the expected debut of Bill Clinton & Bob Dole as opposing commentators on a recurring ‘Point/Counterpoint’ segment of CBS-TV’s “60 Minutes” . . . The new Tragically Hip video for the band’s latest single “The Darkest One” features comedians “Trailer Park Boys” and hockey guru Don Cherry, shot at a trailer park in Milton ON . . . Norah Jones has been confirmed as one of the performers at the “Montréal Jazz Festival”, appearing JULY 2nd . . . Arnold Schwarzenegger will be featured in a new line of comics based on the “Terminator 3” movie coming in JULY (the comics hit stores in MAY) . . . And according to a new Harris Poll, Oprah is once again America’s favorite TV personality for the 1st time since 2000, followed by Ray Romano and David Letterman.

Bruce Willis & European star Monica Bellucci in the war drama “Tears of the Sun”, about a Navy SEAL sent to a remote section of Nigeria to save an American woman who runs a mission . . . Steve Martin & Queen Latifah play a mismatched duo who get hooked up on the Internet in the comedy “Bringing Down the House” . . . An in limited release – Frances McDormand plays a pot-smoking, free-wheeling Los Angeles record producer in the musical drama “Laurel  Canyon”.

A study called “The Psychology of Font” by psychologist Dr Aric Sigman examines how your choice of computer fonts influences the message you’re trying to convey. The study suggests that there are appropriate fonts for various situations. For example –
• Résumés – For more conservative or traditional positions write your résumé in Serif styles, such as Times or Times New Roman. For more trendy or contemporary jobs, fonts like Verdana or Helvetica are quite popular because of their modern feel. Be sure to stay away from Courier – unless you want to appear impersonal and stuck in the past.
• Love Letter – Fonts with big round O’s and tails like Humana appear friendly and affectionate. Mayday, a beautifully rounded, soft and curvy font, is said to be quite inviting. At the same time fonts like Times and Palatino express harshness, and may declare to your loved one that things are over.
• Power Letter – Small fonts (ie: 11 point) tend to express greater confidence and importance than larger fonts, implying that the writer is so important that he doesn’t need to express the magnitude of his message. In addition, Courier, a font with otherwise limited usability, may serve its purpose well in this case by indicating the writer’s authority and purpose.
• Thank You Notes – Straight and sincere fonts like Geneva give off cheerful energy and state that you are genuine about your gratitude. Using a Courier-New font will express an automaton-like coldness that may not be appropriate when giving thanks.

YESTERDAY was the inaugural flights for the new ‘Hooters Air’, operated by the same company as the famous restaurants featuring top-heavy staff. A big pair of orange-and-white 737s emblazoned with the Hooters owl logo flew from Atlanta to Myrtle Beach SC with a pair of ‘Hooters Girls’ aboard. The airline will add service to Newark NJ MARCH 20, but those are the only cities the airline will serve.

A group of Russian communists wants to clone Joseph Stalin to bring back the good old days.
“Pravda” reports that Alexander Kuvayev, leader of the Moscow Communist Society, put forward the idea at a party to mark the 50th anniversary of Stalin’s death. It was held in a Moscow theater where communists sang songs such as “Steel Joseph” and “Stalin the Commander” and watched Stalin’s old speeches on video screens. According to recent polls, almost a third of Russians believe Stalin was a great leader who should be remembered for the good he did. Under his 30-year rule, millions were murdered, tortured and left to die in labor camps in what later became known as ‘the terror’. (Goes to show ya – time makes things fuzzy.)

• A UK driver has been arrested for using a newfangled jammer that’s sold on the Internet to avoid speed traps. While he was arrested on suspicion of perverting the course of justice, he may get off. That’s because the hi-tech ‘laser diffuser’ which prevents a car’s speed from being read isn’t illegal – yet.
• The government of Thailand has begun a $40-million initiative to buy up over 1,600 elephants that are clogging the streets of Bangkok. Why all those pachyderms on the pavement? Money! Elephant handlers hawk fruit to tourists who get a kick out of feeding the beasts. Trouble is the big guys cause about 20 accidents a month. Thailand’s environment ministry is looking at offering up to $2,000 to handlers to use the elephants for less obtrusive work or release them into the wild.

“A cellphone has gone from a symbol of status to a device of scorn.” So says Ian Campbell, CEO of Nucleus Research Inc, a company that studies technology. Could it be that it’s finally dawning on people that they look stupid walking around talking to their hand? Could it be that they’re discovering being accessible for work at all times is akin to being chained to the office? Could it be that they’re getting tired of calls from people who have nothing to say, are bored and filling time – in other words, totally unnecessary? Could it be that those silly ring tones going off all over the place are starting to make everyone’s teeth ache? (We’ve invented a new device for people who like peace and quiet – the phoneless cord.)

Figure this one out – according to infidelity expert Shirley Glass, 56% of cheating husbands claim they are – happily married.

Roberts Bakery in Northwich UK is looking for verification from the “Guinness Book of World Records” for making the ‘world’s biggest sandwich’ – an 8-square-foot tuna, mayonnaise and cucumber job that weighs in at about 2 tons. Each slice of bread is 6 inches thick!


1942 [61] Michael Eisner, Mt Kisko NY, Walt Disney CEO who makes obscene amounts of money

1956 [47] Bryan Cranston, LA CA, TV actor (the father Hal-“Malcolm In The Middle”)

1971 [32] Rachel Weisz, London ENG, movie actress (“About a Boy”, “The Mummy 1 & 2”)  UP NEXT: Co-stars with John Cusack in the bigscreen version of John Grisham’s bestseller “The Runaway Jury”.

1980 [23] Laura Prepon, Watchung NJ, TV actress (Donna Pinciotti-“That ‘70s Show”)

1961 [42] Camryn Manheim, Caldwell NJ, TV actress (Ellenor Frutt-“The Practice” since 1997)

1976 [27] Freddie Prinze Jr, LA CA, movie actor (“Scooby-Doo”, “She’s All That”, “I [Still] Know What You Did Last Summer”)  FACTOID: Wife Sarah Michelle Gellar cites lack of time with him as a main reason she’s quitting “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”.

1977 [26] James Van Der Beek, Cheshire CT, TV actor (Dawson Leery-“Dawson’s Creek” 1998-2003)/film actor (“The Rules of Attraction”, “Varsity Blues”)

1984 [19] Bob, Clint & Dave Moffatt, Victoria BC, has-been pop singers (The Moffatts-“Bang Bang Boom”, “Until You Loved Me”)

SATURDAY the Raelians, the spaced-out group that claims to have cloned a human baby, is asking female followers to stage a nude anti-war protest at peace rallies in Washington and LA. Naked peace protests began in Australia and are becoming more common elsewhere. (They can expect a big turn-out – from the media.)

SATURDAY is “International Women’s Day”, kicking off “Universal Women’s Week”, which honors all women, especially working women. It was first proclaimed at a 1910 women’s conference in Helsinki, Finland by activist Clara Zetkin. In 1977, the observance was endorsed by the UN and is a national holiday in China and Russia, where female workers are presented flowers and gifts.

SUNDAY is “Barbie’s Birthday”. The 1st ‘Barbie’ doll came in a black and white swim suit with the full name ‘Barbie Roberts’ on the box. She was introduced in 1959 at the New York Toy Fair and got mixed reviews. No one guessed she would become the most successful toy ever produced. Mattel sells over 1.5 million dolls every week – that’s 2 dolls per second. Over the last 40 years, 90% of North American girls have owned a Barbie. (And how many have gone on diets trying to match the unrealistic figure?)

SUNDAY is “Amerigo Vespucci Day” commemorating the Italian’s 1451 birth in Florence. He’s the marginally successful explorer that a European mapmaker chose as namesake for the ‘New World’ – as in ‘North Amerigo’.

THIS WEEK in Alaska, the 87th annual “Nenana Ice Classic” got under way with the building of a 26-foot tripod on the frozen Tanana River. Since 1917, when the first wooden tripod was built by bored engineers, people have been betting on the day and date of the spring breakup. Because of the high stakes involved ($800 in 1917, now over $300,000) the ice is closely watched by lottery participants. Someone who invests in a $2-prediction is going to get rich, likely around the first week of MAY (LAST YEAR – May 7 at precisely 9:27pm).

1876 [127] Alexander Graham Bell patents the ‘telephone’, and 3 days later makes 1st phone call (unfortunately gets a busy signal)

1911 [92] 1st ‘coin-operated locker’, invented by Willis Farnsworth of Petaluma CA (thereby giving movie bad guys a place to stash their loot)

1933 [70] Unemployed engineer Charles B Darrow of Germantown PA ‘invents’ board game  “Monopoly” (although some say he stole the idea from earlier games including Lizzie J Magie’s “The Landlord’s Game”, created in 1904)

1954 [49] In its 1st international competition Russia defeats Canada 7-2 to capture the World Hockey Championship in Stockholm, beginning a dynasty

[2 weeks today] Spring begins!
[Sat] Aunts Day
[Sat] Plant a Flower Day
[Sat] Middle Name Pride Day
[Sun] Panic Day
[Sun] Employee Appreciation Day
[Mon] 18th Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Induction
This Week Is . . . Procrastinators Week / Save Your Vision Week
This Month Is . . . Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Awareness Month (yawn!)

• If work is so terrific how come they have to pay you to do it?
• Why isn’t ‘cheese’ the plural of ‘choose’?
• Why is there no ‘egg’ in eggplant, ‘ham’ in hamburger, and neither ‘apple’ nor ‘pine’ in pineapple?
• How do they treat someone who’s addicted to counselling?
• Why is it that when a house burns up – it burns down?
• If maple syrup comes from maple trees, where does cough syrup come from?
• How did the human race survive before we had TV programs to tell us how to cook, decorate, eat, garden, and raise our children?

Are the following “Saturday Night Live” alumni stiff or still kickin’?
GAME #1 –
• Jon Lovitz [ALIVE 45]
• Dana Carvey [ALIVE at 47]
• Will Ferrell [ALIVE at 34]
• Mike Myers [ALIVE and rich at 39]
• Jane Curtin [ALIVE and 55]
• James Belushi [ALIVE and 48]
• John Belushi [DIED 1982]
• Adam Sandler [ALIVE at 36 … unfortunately]
• Chevy Chase [ALIVE and 53]
• Phil Hartman [MURDERED by wife 1998]

GAME #2 –
• Julia Louis-Dreyfus [ALIVE at 42, but her career is dead]
• Dan Aykroyd [ALIVE at 50]
• Chris Farley [DIED 1997]
• Norm Macdonald [ALIVE at 40]
• Martin Short [ALIVE 52]
• Garrett Morris [ALIVE at 66]
• Gilda Radner [DIED 1989]
• Laraine Newman [ALIVE 51]
• David Spade [ALIVE at 37]
• Don Novello (aka ‘Father Guido Sarducci’) [ALIVE at 60, but destined to burn in hell]

I used to be a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

Today’s Question: You probably never noticed, but you walk 4 miles a year doing THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Making your bed.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.


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