Thursday, March 6, 2003        Edition: #2491
Our Sheet Don’t Stink!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT 63-year-old Motown legend Smokey Robinson will be presented the prestigious National Medal of the Arts by President Bush in Washington (previous recipients include Barbra Streisand, Aretha Franklin & Ray Charles) . . . Shania Twain will be enshrined with 10 others on “Canada’s Walk Of Fame” in Toronto JUNE 25th . . . Now that TV game-show fossil “Let’s Make a Deal” has been resurrected, NBC-TV has decided to bring back retro-shows “The Dating Game” and “The Newlywed Game” THIS FALL . . . Ben Affleck’s “Daredevil” has been banned in in Malaysia because censors claim the title invites children to worship someone with a devil-sounding name . . . Nicole Kidman says she’d really like to play a boy on-screen because it’s something she hasn’t done yet and – quote –  “I have a fairly androgynous body, so it would work” . . .  The Dixie Chicks have set a record for the biggest single-day sale of concert tickets, over 867,000 duckets to 59 shows for a whopping one-day take of $49 million . . . Mandolin player Ray Jackson is suing for royalties, claiming he was paid just $40 for writing part of the Rod Stewart hit “Maggie May” – 32 YEARS AGO! (what, he just noticed?) . . . Word has it J-Lo threw a tantrum at a Miami Beach salon for allegedly bungling a bikini wax and leaving hair in ‘hard-to-reach places’ . . . Christina Aguilera is the new face of Versace, modeling Donatella Versace’s latest line which was largely inspired by Christina’s risqué performances (what a clever way to cut back on material costs).

FUTURE FILMS:
Two Oscar nominations sure haven’t hurt Julianne Moore’s career – she’ll next shoot the romantic comedy “Laws of Attraction” opposite Pierce Brosnan in JULY, then star in the thriller “The Forgotten” as a mother struggling to cope with the loss of her 8-year-old son, who may or may not be real . . . Filming in Namibia on “Mad Max: Fury Road”, the 4th installment of Mel Gibson’s action-adventure series, has been delayed due to worries over war (the excuse for everything lately) . . . 22-year-old Christina Ricci has agreed to do nude scenes in her next film “Monster” in her role as the lover of a lesbian serial-killer, played by Charlize Theron . . . “Jackass” mastermind Johnny Knoxville will star with Selma Blair & Bridget Moynahan in the comedy “Hating Her” (such lucky breaks for such little talent) . . . It looks as if Diane Lane will co-star with Bruce Willis in the mystery “Me Again”, about an amnesiac who wakes up beside a dead body . . . Rubber-faced UK comic actor Rowan Atkinson is working on a 2nd “Bean” movie (no wonder – the 1st one in 1997 cost about $25 million to make and grossed close to $290 million worldwide).

YOU REALLY ARE THICK:
Being overweight is not only bad for men’s hearts it also makes them less intelligent, according a study published latest issue of the “International Journal of Obesity”. The first study of the mental abilities of obese people reveals that being seriously overweight reduces intelligence in males, possibly through its effect on blood circulation around the brain. (Ah, the origin of ‘fathead’!)

TIME-RELEASE WINE:
The Moravian harvest wine ‘Burkak’ is drinkable for only 4 hours before it turns sour. Trying to drink it quickly may be the reason why so many have suffered the so-called ‘Burkak Curse’. The wine starts at 5% alcohol but continues to ferment in the stomach until it reaches up to 15% – meaning you continue to get drunker long after you’ve quit drinking.

WHY THEY’RE SKINNY IN WHITEHORSE:
A researcher at Sweden’s Lund University says the body burns up more calories when the
temperature goes down. The discovery was actually made by accident when a lab heater broke and the temperature dropped 14 degrees. It was finally noticed because lab mice began quickly losing weight. Though yet untested on humans, scientist Charlotte Erlanson-Albertson claims the ‘deep freeze diet’ may work for us if we sleep in a cold room and are active outdoors in chilly weather. (After this winter, we should all weigh about 20 lbs.)

POOCH PARADISE:
YESTERDAY was the grand opening of the luxurious new America Dog & Cat Hotel in Las Vegas. That’s right – it’s a resort for pets, complete with 3-floor cat condos, an indoor lawn, TVs, piped-in jazz, pet pedicures, even Persian rugs. Be ready to open your wallet wide – suites range up to $193 per night! (Unfortunately, the only casino game available is craps.)
PHONER: 800-851-1703/702-795-3647 (Christopher Easley)
NET: http://www.vegas.com/resorts/americadogcat/index.html

IT’S A WACKED WORLD:
• Some Internet service providers are now offering a service called ‘talking e-mail’. (Didn’t that used to be called a phone call?)
• Sheriff’s deputies in Traverse City MI have nabbed 19-year-old Aaron Cobbs III for driving –  while watching TV! The idiot had a 6-inch screen mounted on the dashboard of his car. He was also driving with a suspended license. (What’s that ‘L’ on your forehead, bud?)
• 39-year-old Paul Jackson of Barrack Heights, Australia was awarded $62,817 in damages after he fell off a road bridge – while peeing. But it seems the last laugh’s on him – a New South Wales Court of Appeal has just reversed the decision. (Now he’s really pissed.)
• Struggling Romanian soccer club Jiul Petrosani is so hard up, it has sold one of its players – for 2 tons of meat. If that’s not humiliating enough, another player was traded for a fee of 10 footballs and a set of soccer shorts for the team.
• In a bid to boost its popularity, the Russian army is running a beauty contest for female members of the military dubbed “Miss Epaulettes 2003″. The winner will be announced TOMORROW night on the eve of “International Women’s Day”, a public holiday in Russia.

THE BULL SHEET 03.06.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1923 [80] Ed McMahon, Detroit MI, ex-TV personality (“Tonight Show”, original “Star Search”)

1940 [63] Ken Danby, Sault Ste Marie ON, sports-themed artist (“The Goalie”)

1947 [56] Rob Reiner, Bronx NY, film director (“A Few Good Men”, “When Harry Met Sally”)/movie actor (“Sleepless in Seattle”)/ex-TV actor (Meathead-“All in the Family”)  UP NEXT: Produces/directs and acts in the romantic comedy “Loosely Based On a True Love Story”, starring Kate Hudson and opening SEPTEMBER 12.

1959 [44] Tom Arnold, Ottumwa IA, TV host (FOX Sports Network’s “The Best Damn Sports Show Period”)/movie actor (“Cradle 2 the Grave”, “True Lies”)

1972 [31] Shaquille O’Neal, Newark NJ, NBA star with a size 22 shoe (LA Lakers)/sometime movie actor (“Freddy Got Fingered”, “He Got Game”)/occasional rap artist (“Shaq Diesel”)  NOTE: Shaquille means ‘Little Warrior’ in Arabic.

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Stop Bad Service Day”, honoring companies that foster loyalty by providing top-notch service. Ask listeners for stories of unusual and exceptional customer service. If it turns out to involve a sponsor – all the better!

TODAY is “National Frozen Food Day”, commemorating the first ‘individually packaged frozen foods’, created by Clarence Birdseye in Springfield MA 73 years ago (1930). He got the idea after seeing Canadians thawing and eating naturally frozen fish.

TOMORROW-Sunday the 15th annual “National Fiery Foods & Barbecue Show” will draw thousands of chilli-heads to Albuquerque NM. Growers from around-the-world show off their chillies, and chefs knock up some of the hottest food on earth. The highlight of the event is the chilli-eating contest.
PHONER: 505-873-8680
NET: http://www.fiery-foods.com/ffshow/

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1834 [169] City of Toronto incorporated, with William Lyon Mackenzie as 1st mayor
TORONTO NICKNAMES:
• ‘Toronto the Good’, due to the Puritanism associated with the city in the late 19th century.
• ‘City of Steeples’, for its abundance of churches.
• ‘Hogtown’, after a former bacon factory and later for its wealth.
• ‘TO’ as in LA.

1899 [104] 1st ‘Aspirin’ patented by Felix Hoffmann

1912 [91] 1st ‘Oreo’ cookie sold, and over 360 billion have sold since (do you eat the middle first?)

2000 [03] World’s 1st ‘one-gigahertz computer chip’ unveiled (how archaic!)

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1982 [21] Susan Birmingham sets world record for ‘loudest human shout’ – 120 decibels! (and that was BEFORE Viagra)

1982 [21] Most points scored by two NBA teams as San Antonio beats Milwaukee 171-166 in  triple overtime (total points – 337!)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[2 weeks today] Last Day of Winter
[Sat] Aunts Day
[Sat] Middle Name Pride Day
[Sun] Barbie’s Birthday
[Sun] Employee Appreciation Day
This Week Is . . . National Professional Pet Sitters Week (“Sit, Killer!” “Sit!”) / Newspaper Education Week
This Month Is . . . Ethics Awareness Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
YOUR SIGN PREDICTS YOUR CHANCE OF CAUSING ACCIDENTS:
(Based on absolutely no verifiable data whatsoever, but fun anyway.)
• ARIES – Aries drivers are at fault 6.6% of the time. They are most likely to get into a crash between 11am and 5pm, so use extra caution when driving during the day. Be especially alert when roads are crowded. 85% of Aries crashes involve running into another car, instead of running off the road.
• TAURUS – Responsible for 6.2% of auto accidents. Be most cautious when driving between 5pm and 11pm.
• GEMINI – The cause of 9.3% of crashes. Most likely to be an overly aggressive driver, cutting in front of others. Beware of speeding, passing dangerously and swerving in and out of lanes.
• CANCER – Cancers cause 8.8% of accidents, most often at intersections. Slow down at all pedestrian crossings and make sure intersections are clear before proceeding.
• LEO – At fault in 7.4% of accidents. Most happen when Leo is rear-ended on a straight road. Pay more attention when the scenery gets boring.
• VIRGO – 10.7% of accidents, most often because of speeding and driving on the wrong side of the road (sometimes alcohol-related). Slow down, especially on curvy roads and keep your eyes and attention on the road.
• LIBRA – Responsible for 6.1% of crashes, the lowest rate of any sign. But that doesn’t mean you won’t cause a fender-bender. You are at the highest risk on straight roads during daylight hours.
• SCORPIO – The cause of 6.8% of crashes, most of them head-on collisions on straight roads. Be wary when passing!
• SAGITTARIUS – Also responsible in 6.8% of mishaps, usually broadside collisions at intersections. Closely observe stop signs and opposing traffic when driving through intersections.
• CAPRICORN – A whopping 13% of accidents, the most crash-prone driver in the zodiac. Capricorns tend to ignore signs like ‘Slow Down’ and ‘Caution’. They also ignore speed limits for curves and turns on highways.
• AQUARIUS – This sign is involved in 9.9% of mishaps. 4 in 10 are collisions involving smaller vehicles, so be on alert when driving a big vehicle.
• PISCES – Responsible for 8.4% of collisions, usually because of not paying attention to stop signs. So watch for the stop signs!

LETTUCE DECIDE, TRUTH OR BS?
Two of these statements are true, one a load of codswallop. But which?
1. Lettuce used to be considered a weed.
2. The ancient Greeks thought lettuce induced sleep.
3. Lettuce is the fastest growing plant. (BS, Japanese bamboo is.)

BS Q & A:
Q: The “CBS Evening News” has had just 3 news anchors in its history. Name them.
A: Douglas Edwards, Walter Cronkite (who retired 22 years ago TODAY), and Dan Rather.

BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “What’s the best animated film of all-time?” (A new ranking by the Online Film Critics Society puts “Toy Story” on top, followed by “Fantasia”, “Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs”, “Beauty & the Beast” and “The Nightmare Before Christmas”.)
• “Which celebrity would you most want to hook up with at a house party?” (In a new poll for the makers of Axe deodorant, most women pick Josh Hartnett, followed by Vin Diesel. Most men selected Britney Spears, followed by Christina Aguilera.)

BS BLATANT JOKE:
The boss gives us direction in our lives. When we ask for a raise, he points to the door.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: We hope it’s not like this where you work, but 8% of big corporations say they discourage THIS in the workplace.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Humor.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Tact consists of knowing how far to go too far.

 


Printer Friendly Version