Wednesday, March 27, 2002        Edition: #2262
If The Sheet Fits — Buy It!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
YESTERDAY “Slap Shot 2: Breaking the Ice” was released straight-to-video in Canadian stores, a sequel to the popular 1977 hockey comedy (one reason it isn’t in theaters – the ‘Hanson Brothers’ are back, but Paul Newman isn’t) . . . Robert De Niro and classic rockers Queen are co-producing a futuristic new stage musical called “We Will Rock You” featuring many of the group’s greatest hits that will open in London this MAY . . . Analysts say the music biz worldwide has plummeted 10% in the past year — the biggest drop in recording industry history – thanks mostly to pirated music and CD burning . . . Hare Krishnas in India are developing the ‘George Harrison Garden’ to be opened at Mayapur in memory of the late Beatle . . . And here’s the latest example of Hollywood excess – actress Catherine Zeta Jones (Mrs Michael Douglas) has flown a carpenter to LA all the way from her hometown of Swansea, Wales — to fix her windows.

STONE AGE DIET:
Colorado State University nutrition expert Loren Cordain is recommending we follow a new diet that’s actually really old — the Stone Age diet from 15,000 years ago. The Health & Exercise Science prof claims the meats our hunter-gatherer ancestors ate were far better than what we eat today, containing healthier fats than modern farmed cattle, and he says a paleolithic diet could help reduce heart disease and diabetes. The ancient diet avoided dairy products, refined cereals and any added fats or salt in favor of lean meat, fish, fresh fruit and vegetables. ‘Healthy fats’ were provided by brains and bone marrow (gag!). Cordain believes a shift to our ancestors’ diet could fight the global spread of obesity and associated diseases. (Yeah ok, but where do you get fresh muskox these days?)
PHONER: 970-491-5081 (Ft Collins CO)
E-MAIL: cordain@cahs.colostate.edu

ALL IN THE NAME OF ART:
THIS WEEK is ”National Art Week”, so here’s a look at what’s on the cutting edge –
• “New York Post” reports that performance artist William Pope L, whose method of artistic expression involves crawling around dressed in a cape-less ‘Superman’ suit is currently attempting his longest-ever crawl — projected to take 5 years.
• 21-year-old Carnegie Mellon University art student Bill Kofmehl has a $1,000 art grant to complete his latest work — building a 3-story house from scrap while dressed in a red lobster suit. To add to the overall ‘artistic experience’, he’s also taken a vow of silence until the work is completed.
• NYC artist Chrissy Conant is having a dozen of her own eggs harvested, each of which she’ll display in individual jars labelled ‘Chrissy Caviar’. They’re already scheduled for an exhibition at the Aldrich Museum of Contemporary Art in Ridgefield CT in MAY.

SAFE PLACE:
A poll by the National Association for Continence finds that the bathroom is becoming a haven where many find comfort and relief from stress. About half of respondents say they read or ponder serious issues in the bathroom, while a third admit to daydreaming, singing in the shower or even talking on the phone. A third of women say they talk to themselves or admire themselves in the bathroom. 22% of men claim they’ve made love in the bathroom. (Some of them with a partner.)

SHOCKING GAME:
“Wired” magazine reports that a pair of German designers have invented a new computer game called ‘Painstation’ in which participants use hand sensors to inflict shocks and burns on their opponents. The winner is the player who can stand it the longest, the loser whoever is first to let go of the ‘Pain Endurance Unit’. (Has Amnesty International heard about this?)

21ST-CENTURY JARGON:
• ‘Sketchy’ – A slang term for ‘nervous’ or ‘jumpy’ that’s come up on recent episodes of “Fear Factor”. (“Feeling a little sketchy about eating those yummy cockroaches?”)
• ‘Warez’ — Music, movies or software copied from a friend or downloaded off the Internet. (“Have you seen ripoff.com? It has a huge abundance of warez on it!”)
• ‘K-rad’ — 1000 points of ‘rad’, something truly excellent. (“That dress Uma Thurman wore at the Oscars was k-rad.”)

WORLDWIDE BULL ROAR:
• Police in the UK are trying to trace a burglary suspect using an amateur artist’s watercolor painted during an evening art class. The mystery man is accused of stealing a pensioner’s handbag and breaking into her home after sitting next to her at the Sussex art class. (Lucky it wasn’t a kids’ painting class — they’d be looking for a fat man with stick legs and green hair.)
• The Jondaryan Woolshed in Queensland, Australia has become an unusual tourist attraction. The working sheep station uses the music of AC/DC and Gregorian chants for demonstrations of –‘synchronized shearing’. (You’d think they’d use ‘N Sync.)
• A man in Munich, Germany was detained on suspicion of murder after a neighbor saw him  carrying what looked like a dead body into his apartment. But he’s now been cleared of all charges after taking police inside to show them his collection of — rubber sex dolls. (Sounds like a scene from a Ben Stiller movie.)

THE BULL SHEET 03.27.2K2

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1942 [60] Michael York, Fulmer ENG, movie actor (Basil Exposition-“Austin Powers I & II”, “Cabaret”)  NEXT MOVIE: “Austin Powers 3″, opening JULY 26

1963 [39] Quentin Tarantino, Knoxville TN, film producer/writer/director (“Jackie Brown”, Oscar-“Pulp Fiction”, “Reservoir Dogs”)  NEXT FILM: The crime thriller “Kill Bill”, starring Uma Thurman as a woman shot by her husband, played by Warren Beatty

1970 [32] Mariah Carey, Huntington NY, pop singer without a record label (“Thank God I Found You”, “Heartbreaker”) who’s sold more than 120 million albums and singles and spent more weeks at #1 than any other artist/bad actress (2002 Worst Actress Razzie Award-“Glitter”)  NEXT MOVIE: Co-stars with Mira Sorvino in the crime drama “Wise Girls”, about a waitress in a Mafia-owned restaurant, which premiered at this year’s Sundance Film Festival

1995 [07] Taylor Atelian, Santa Barbara CA, TV actress (‘Ruby’ in the Jim Belushi sit-com “According to Jim”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[USA] American Diabetes Alert Day

TODAY is “National Joe Day”, when people who hate their names are allowed to be called ‘Joe’. What’s the most unusual given name you’ve come across?

TONIGHT is the first night of the Jewish celebration of “Passover”, the 8 day observance commemorating the exodus of the Israelites from Egypt during the reign of Pharaoh Ramses II. It’s a time of family gatherings and lavish meals called ‘Seders‘ that include special foods, songs and customs.

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1790 [212] 1st ‘shoelace’ (next day – the 1st busted shoelace)

1848 [154] 1st ‘band-aid’ (John Parker Paynard’s ‘medicated adhesive plaster’)

1860 [142] 1st ‘corkscrew’ (ML Byrn’s ‘covered gimlet screw with T handle’)

1917 [85] 1st US team to win hockey’s Stanley Cup (Seattle Metropolitans of Pacific Coast League defeat Montreal Canadiens the season before NHL begins play)

1998 [04] Viagra 1st approved for sale by FDA (men begin skipping to work in the morning)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Something On A Stick Day
[Fri] National Mom and Pop Business Owners Day (take nominations for the best local one)
[Fri] Good Friday
[Sat] Doctor’s Day
[Sat-Mon] NCAA Final Four (Atlanta)
[Sun] MLB Opening Day (Cleveland Indians @ Anaheim Angels)
[Sun] Easter
[Mon] April Fool’s Day
[Apr 7] Daylight Saving Time begins
National Cleaning Week (one week a year?)
Colorectal Cancer Month
March to College Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
TODAY’S BS HORRIBLESCOPES:

• Aries — Call upon friends and relatives to help you make the changes that you feel are necessary. After all, if you are moving they’re much cheaper than Allied Van Lines.
• Pisces — Romantic development is in the stars. Your vibrant presence and entertaining manner will make you very appealing. Maybe your date will be able to see past your ego and your bad fashion sense.
• Scorpio – You may have some health concerns but keep in mind that worrying could be at the root of your problem. Take time out, read a book. It will stop you whining for 10 minutes.
• Aquarius — Don’t overreact to things going on at work. Put yourself in a position that is valuable and you won’t have to worry about your future. In other words, time to start sucking up to the boss.
• Capricorn – Take it nice and slow today and don’t let life’s little hazards hold you back or send you off on a tangent. Stick to what you do best — hide and look busy.
• Sagittarius – Put on your best clothes and prepare to face the world. Let your worldly outlook lead the way and you’ll be sure to discover all sorts of intriguing people at Alcoholics Anonymous.
• Pisces – This is your day to achieve. Set out early and get the day off to a good start. Your astute way of doing things will certainly help you grab the attention of your colleagues. Nudity in the office will certainly get you noticed.

BS EASTER BUNNY PET PEEVES:
• Kids now requesting eggs in gang colors.
• ‘Bunny Trail’ replaced by 8-lane expressway.
• Coughing up child support for 37,000 offspring.
• Sees shadow all the time, no one gives a damn.
• Constant hopping raises hell with inner ear.
• Nauseating diet required to create multi-colored eggs.
• Having to follow dumb kids around, smacking ‘em on the head and yelling, “Not there, stupid!”
• Make one little mistake, and they turn your feet into key chains.
• Always have to spend day after Easter plucking the buckshot out of your tail.
• Tough to get dates when you smell ‘eggy’.

BS PHONE STARTER:
“What’s the most miserly act committed by the biggest cheapskate you’ve ever met?” (We’ve read about a woman who saves money on nail polish remover by clipping her nails first, and a guy who claims he saves on electricity by cooling beer in the toilet tank. But the winner in the recent “Philadelphia Inquirer Cheapskate Contest” was a pensioner who cleans and reuses –dental floss!)

FAKING IT:
Ask listeners to call in explaining why they can’t make it to work in their best “I’m too sick to come in” voices. Rate the excuses from 1-10 for ‘Originality’ and ‘Performance’.

KARAOKE CASH:
Simple contest where contestants have to sing the next line when you abruptly stop the song. If they get it right, they win!

FACT OR CRAP:
Two of the following are facts, while one is pure BS. But which one?
1. When witches were burned in old Europe, their families usually had to pay for the firewood.
2. In the Middle Ages, it was not a punishable crime to murder a traveling musician.
3. The stained-glass windows of Medieval churches were made with bright colors to blind the
Devil. (BS)

BS Q & A:
Q: What animal is believed to have the best hearing — a dog, an owl, or your wife when you try to sneak in the house at 2am?
A: The barn owl. Its face is dish-shaped, enabling it to receive sounds like sonar.
Source: “Totally Trivial”

Q: True or False? Women have finally reached equality in the professional world?
A: False. According to recent stats, women account for less than a third of lawyers and fewer than a quarter of doctors. Among the “Fortune 500″ companies, there are just 6 female CEOs.
Source: “NY Post”

Q: How long does it take the average man’s beard to grow an inch — 8 days, 8 weeks or 8 months?
A: 8 weeks. (Back hair – 8 minutes.)
Source: “Better Times”

BS TAG LINE:
For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill.

 


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