Tuesday, March 26, 2002        Edition: #2261
And now, here they are again, the #1 reason we need to have much more insurance coverage than other radio stations . . .

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY Celine Dion’s new album “A New Day Has Come” is released, her first since her 2-year baby hiatus and first studio album since 1997’s “Let’s Talk About Love” which sold 28 million copies worldwide (a CBC/CBS-TV special to hype the album is coming APRIL 7) . . . . They won’t say it’s canceled, but NBC-TV is putting the new Julia-Louis Dreyfus sit-com “Watching Ellie” on hiatus after next TUESDAY’S episode (the ‘Seinfeld curse’ is alive and well! . . . Hollywood’s spiffy new Kodak Theater, showcased in SUNDAY’S “Academy Awards”, is being sued by a disability rights group for not providing access for the disabled (how could they spend $500 million building a cutting-edge facility and overlook this?) . . . Smash Mouth is going to tour with ‘N Sync? (“Hey now, you’re a sell-out . . .”) . . . Britain’s Prince Charles is marketing his own brand of up-market, organic-chocolate Easter eggs — for $43 EACH — with all proceeds going to charity (he also has a line of chocolate bunnies with really, really big ears) . . . 52-year-old Dusty Hill of classic rock band ZZ Top is no longer “looking for some tush” as he’s just wed movie exec Charleen ‘Chuck’ McCrory (“she’s got legs and knows how to use them”) in Houston, an event for which the entire band got their famous beards trimmed (and the groom really was a “Sharp Dressed Man”).

TODAY’S DVD & VIDEO RELEASES:
Kevin Spacey plays a patient in a mental hospital who claims to be from a far-away planet in the sci-fi adventure “K-Pax” . . . Antonio Banderas & Angelina Jolie star in the drama “Original Sin”, the story of a man’s frustrating pursuit of a 19th-Century femme fatale . . . And Trekkies will be thrilled the entire 1st season of “Star Trek: The Next Generation” is now out on DVD.

VOCABULARY VOLUME:
It’s estimated the average 3-year-old understands 1,000 words (except for ‘no’). By the age of 18, the average vocabulary includes 18,000 words (most of which parents don’t understand). By the time we reach middle age, we’re familiar with 30,000 words.

FICKLE MAG:
For its new issue, “Maxim” is pulling off what may be the greatest feat of butt-kissing in magazine history. The cover story picks ‘The Greatest Cities on Earth’, but the #1 city varies by market. For instance, in the 75,000 copies shipped to Michigan, Detroit is named #1. Boston, Chicago, Dallas, Denver, Los Angeles, Miami, New York, Philadelphia, Phoenix, San Francisco, Toronto and Washington DC get the nod in the issues distributed in those areas. In all, there are 13 versions of the APRIL issue, each sucking up to a different city.

TRADING UP:
A “Woman’s Own” magazine survey asks what women would give up for a ‘perfect’ looking body. Some highlights –
• Chocolate . . . forever (61%)
• Their life savings (30%)
• A limb (8%)
• Their partner (4%)

TWO THUMBS UP:
A researcher says hand-held technologies like mobile phones and Gameboys are causing thumbs to become the ‘new fingers’ of the younger generation. Under-25′s thumbs have now overtaken their fingers as the hand’s most-used digit. (Unless they’re commuters.)

WEAPONS OF DE-STOOGES:
The US Marines will soon have a new weapon in their arsenal — slime. It’s no BS. Researchers have developed a foam that’s as slippery as ice for use as a non-lethal weapon. Also in the works — a stink bomb. (Hey, what about cream pies? The latest big-time defense contractor is Al’s Novelty Shop.)

CAMO CHAMELEON:
Canadian scientists at the Defence Research Establishment’s Atlantic division are working to develop military uniforms that change color and appearance according to the surrounding environment. Canadian military personnel now wear camouflage with just 4 colors — dark green, light green, brown and black — and have reportedly suffered ‘international embarrassment’ for wearing the dark green in dusty Afghanistan. (The hi-tech new uniforms will be designed to also turn white – in case it snows in Toronto again.)

PUNCTURE-PROOF PANTS:
Levi’s is now adding Kevlar, the same material found in bulletproof vests, to some of its jeans. Why? It’s apparently 300% stronger than standard denim. (And will protect you if you ever get shot in the ass.)

JUST PUCKER UP YOUR LIPS & BLOW:
If you want to see your sex appeal improve, just learn to whistle. A top behavioral expert says that whistling is a powerful attraction to the opposite sex. It affects them in a deeply subconscious way that few people can truly understand. (Yeah, it really works for those construction workers.)

WEIRD WORLD OF BS:
• A 40-year-old Florida woman is suing Boca Raton matchmaking service ‘Soulmate by Helena’ for fraud for failing to find her ‘a man of the highest caliber’ as promised. The hard-luck lady claims she paid a total of $20,000 in fees but ended up with men who wore toupées and had problems with sexual dysfunction. (The company’s lawyer will argue – hey, you want a single guy over 40, that’s the highest caliber you’re gonna get!)
• Think your wedding was weird? YESTERDAY in Hong Kong a lesbian woman married a gay man. The bride wore a black tuxedo and a fake mustache, the groom a traditional white wedding gown with veil, and the male ‘maid of honor’ was decked out in a tangerine frock with matching parasol. Then as soon as they were wed, 28-year-old ‘bride’ Noel Chen and 25-year-old ‘groom’ Yeo Wai-wai announced they had no intention of living together. The reason for all this effort? To skirt a local law that restricts subsidized rental housing to heterosexual couples. (This qualifies as the second-goofiest wedding this year – after Liza’s.)
• A Ukrainian parliamentary candidate has attempted to woo voters by shedding most of her clothes in a televised political address. 28-year-old housewife Olena Solod stripped down to her underwear during a live TV feed. (Voters will soon have to decide if she beats those other boobs in office.)

BS AMAZING FACTS:
• “Los Angeles Times” reports that over the past 7 years there has been a dramatic resurgence of men going into — monasteries.
• California Web services company Brightmail claims unwanted ‘spam’ now makes up about 20% of all e-mail. That’s up from 10% just LAST YEAR!

THE BULL SHEET 03.26.2K2

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1940 [62] James Caan, Bronx NY, movie actor (“Misery”, “The Godfather”)/father of actor Scott Caan

1944 [58] Diana Ross, Detroit MI, egocentric former Motown singer (Supremes-“Where Did Our Love Go”)

1948 [54] Steve Tyler (Tallarico), Boston MA, Rock & Roll Hall of Fame rock singer (Aerosmith-“Jaded”, “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing”)/Liv Tyler’s pop

1950 [52] Martin Short, Hamilton ON, film actor (“Father Of The Bride I & II”)/TV comedian (Ed Grimley-“SCTV, “SNL”)

1957 [45] Leeza Gibbons, Hartsville SC, TV entertainment reporter (“Extra!”, “Entertainment Tonight”)/Academy Awards pre-show host

1968 [34] Kenny Chesney, Knoxville TN, country singer (“Young”, “Don’t Happen Twice”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Legal Assistants’ Day”, honoring those who do all the dirty work for lawyers.

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1872 [130] 1st ‘fire extinguisher’

1956 [46] 1st ‘Medic Alert’ bracelet

1973 [29] 1st episode of daytime TV drama “The Young & the Restless”

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] Passover (begins at sundown)
[Wed] National Joe Day
[Thurs] Something On A Stick Day
[Fri] Good Friday
[Sat-Mon] NCAA Final Four (Atlanta)
[Sun] Easter
[Mon] April Fool’s Day
Sleep Awareness Week
Mental Retardation Awareness Month
National Craft Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS WAYS TO GET YOUR PARTNER TO LEAVE:

• Call her by the dog’s name and then deny it.
• Answer all his questions with a question, preferably one on a totally different subject.
• Super Glue toilet seat in the up (or down) position.
• Shrink her jeans and when she overreacts because she thinks that she’s gaining weight, give her a condescending smile and say that you prefer her with ‘some meat on her bones’.
• When she asks “Do these jeans make my butt look fat?” answer “At least it takes the focus of your face.”
• Take up yodelling and practice a lot.
• Call her by your mother’s name, then deny it.
• Leave the newspaper open to an ad for plastic surgery.
• Answer every question with “Yes, dear.”

BS ‘HIT OR SPLIT’?
You read off the celebrity couples rapid fire, your contestant must decide if they’re STILL a couple or if they’re relationship has gone down the old porcelain receptacle.
• Oscar-nominated actor Sean Penn & actress Robin Wright? [HIT. Married since 1996 and have 2 kids.]
• Jennifer Lopez & choreographer Cris Judd? [HIT. Still married, but there are rumblings.]
• Brit actress Helena Bonham Carter & “Planet Of The Apes” director Tim Burton? [HIT. And talking about making it legal soon.]
• Actress Sharon Stone & newspaper editor Phil Bronstein? [HIT, even though she threw him in a zoo cage with a Komodo dragon.]
• NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon & wife Jennifer Sealy. [SPLIT. She filed for divorce LAST WEEK.]
• Wrinkle rocker Rod Stewart & model Rachel Hunter? [SPLIT. Separated in 1999.]
• “Training Day” actor Ethan Hawke & actress Uma Thurman? [HIT. Married since 1998.]
• Country star Martina McBride & John McBride? [HIT. A “Blessed” relationship since 1988.]
• Actress Daryl Hannah & famously difficult actor Val Kilmer? [SPLIT recently.]
• “Sopranos” star Lorraine Bracco & actor Edward James Olmos? [SPLIT. Filed for divorce THIS MONTH.]
• Actress Kim Basinger & actor Alec Baldwin? [SPLIT. Divorced LAST YEAR.]
• Elton John & David Furnish? [HIT. Longtime partners.]
• Britney Spears & Justin Timberlake? [Aw, who cares?]

BS ‘WORD OF THE DAY’:
Pick an obscure word like ‘ubiquitous’ as the “Word of the Day” and use it throughout your show in as many odd ways as possible (weather, sports, etc), always following it with brief SFX. Listeners who include the word when calling in win bonus prizes. The more out of context it’s used, the better!

BS EASTER Q & A:
Q: Which is the oldest Christian observance — Christmas, Good Friday or Easter?
A: Good Friday.
Source: “Compton’s Living Encyclopedia”

Q: How is the date for Easter Sunday determined each year?
A: It’s always the first Sunday after the first Full Moon after the Vernal Equinox (March 20, the first day of Spring). It can occur any time between March 22 and April 25.
Source: “Sudden Facts”

Q: Which of the following come from pagan traditions – Easter bunnies, colored eggs, or the name ‘Easter’.
A: All of them! The rabbit was a pagan symbol of fertility, colored eggs were originally painted with bright colors to represent the sunlight of spring, and the very name ‘Easter’ comes from ‘Eostre’, the ancient Anglo-Saxon goddess of the dawn.
Source: “Easter Trivia”

Q: Where did the ‘Easter Lily’ plant originally come from?
A: The Easter Lily or Bermuda Lily is native to the Ryukyu Islands of Japan.
Source: “The Green Mountain Gardener”

BS TAG LINE:
There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.


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