Friday, March 22, 2002        Edition: #2259
Have Another Sheetload!

TOMORROW a public memorial service will be held at Nashville’s Ryman Auditorium for country singer Waylon Jennings, who died FEBRUARY 13TH . . SUNDAY Barbara Walters’ annual pre-Oscar tearfest special includes interviews with Tom Cruise,  “Sex & the City” star Sarah Jessica Parker, and ‘Best Actress’ nominee Halle Berry, who’ll reveal she was so depressed after her 1997 divorce from baseball player David Justice she came very close to killing herself (pass the Kleenex) . . . Someone with a lot of time on their hands has calculated that since her $88-million court award, ballooning 200-lb gold digger Anna Nicole Smith is now worth $440,000 per pound — 135 times her weight in gold . . . Nicolas Cage is said to be pulling out all the stops to win back estranged girlfriend Lisa Marie Presley (Nic, do yourself a favor – see an optometrist instead) . . . Rumor has it that when “Friends” ends, Matt LeBlanc will get his own spinoff sitcom as his ‘Joey Tribbiani’ character, much like “Frasier” was spun off from “Cheers”, but NBC denies any discussions of this idea whatsoever (time to start a new rumor Matt) . . . FOX-TV is now developing a show called “Girl Next Door: The Search for a Playboy Centerfold”, a 2-hour special that will follow 12 women vying for the opportunity to doff their duds in “Playboy” mag (wow, this makes their trashy “Celebrity Boxing” seem like art).

The 20th anniversary re-release of Steven Spielberg’s 1982 box office smash ($705 million worldwide) “ET — The Extra-Terrestrial” has been racheted up to 21st century standards, with cops’ guns digitally removed and replaced with walkie-talkies, a previously unseen ‘ET’ bathing scene added, and ‘digital enhancement’ of the entire movie (Oscar-winning composer John Williams conducted a 100-piece orchestra playing the soundtrack LIVE throughout the premiere screening in LA LAST WEEKEND) . . . Wesley Snipes returns as human/vampire warrior ‘Blade’ to save the world from being overrun by vampires in the action sequel “Blade 2″ . . . In the no-name comedy “Sorority Boys”, 3 rowdy male college students are kicked out of their dorm so they dress up in drag to move into the ‘DOG house’, where all the less attractive girls live (deep, thought-provoking social commentary).

TOMORROW the Golden Raspberry Foundation dishonors Hollywood’s worst movies of the past year with the announcement of the annual ‘Razzies’. Most likely candidate is “Freddy Got Fingered” star Tom Green, nominated as worst actor, director and screenwriter, who says he’ll accept his Razzie in person — something that’s never done — if he . . . er ‘wins’. Other nominees for ‘Worst Film’ – “Driven”, “Glitter”, “Pearl Harbor” and “3000 Miles to Graceland”. One interesting nomination is Mariah Carey’s cleavage — for ‘Worst Screen Couple’.

• SUNDAY on CTV/ABC-TV from the new permanent home of the Oscars, Hollywood’s $500-million Kodak Theater, hosted by Whoopi Goldberg (her 4th time).
• Leeza Gibbons anchors the ‘Oscar Arrivals Show’ from the famous ‘red carpet’.
• Sting will perform his Oscar-nominated song “Until” from the film “Kate & Leopold”.
• “The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring” leads the pack with 13 nominations, “A Beautiful Mind” and “Moulin Rouge” scored 8 apiece.
• Honorary Academy Awards go to Robert Redford for his annual Sundance Film Festival, and to legendary actor Sidney Poitier.

NASA advisor and Dartmouth Medical Center plastic surgeon Dr Joe Rosen says that within 5 years he will be able to graft wings and tails onto human beings. (A practical use for the process has yet to be found, although he stands to make a fortune each Halloween!)

Free condoms supposedly FLAVORED with traditional local foods like caribou, musk ox and Arctic char fish have become the favorite collectible at this year’s “Arctic Winter Games” which wrap up TOMORROW in Iqaluit, Nunavut. Over 15,000 of the condoms have been snapped up by spectators and the 900 visiting athletes. (They apparently taste just like chicken.)

• Here’s today’s ‘awwwww’ story — the Crime Stoppers organization in Portage IN is offering a $1,000 reward for information leading to arrest of a burglar who broke into a local home and stole — a 9-year-old boy’s ‘tooth fairy money’ (cue the SFX). The poor lad had been saving the coins left under his pillow for 3 years. (Bring back the noose!)
• A sex attack on a 17-year-old male service station attendant in Toronto by a female customer in her 40s (she forced fellatio at knifepoint) has led to a flood of phone calls this week from other teenage boys — wanting jobs.

• An elderly Italian couple has finally wed after an engagement lasting 62 years. Annibale Labo originally asked Bianca Castellana to marry him in 1940. They’ve been living together since 1941 but just never got around to getting married until 79-year-old Bianca recently asked Annibale to make her an honest woman. (The 85-year-old promptly replied, “What’s that? Who the hell are you?!?”)
• Volunteers anyone? A penis museum in Iceland is appealing for a human donation. Sigurdur Hjartarson runs the ‘Icelandic Phallalogical Museum’ in Reykjavik (RECK-ya-vick). He needs a human penis to add to his collection of 143 phalluses. The high school history teacher first erected (!) the museum in 1997. It is wholly dedicated to the collection and study of the penis. He has specimens from a variety of mammals, including a 2-millimetre hamster penis and a 6-foot whopper from a killer whale. (That’s one museum souvenir shop I’ll be skipping.)
• Traverse City MI dog owner Stephanie Burns claims the secret to the longevity of her terrier-schnauzer is a totally vegetarian diet. ‘Tykie’ is now 23-years-old — 161 IN DOG YEARS! (Yeah right, honey. YOU try to get my pit bull to eat celery.)
• “New Scientist” magazine reports that it may be possible to ‘grow’ meat in the future. Scientists in New York have managed to make chunks of fish grow bigger by soaking them in a broth of nutrient-enriched liquid extracted from — the blood of unborn calves. (Ohmygawd, I’d rather go vegetarian, thanks.)


1931 [71] William Shatner, Montréal QC, former TV actor (Capt Kirk-“Star Trek” [1966-69])/movie actor (“Miss Congeniality”)

1948 [54] Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber, London ENG, musical composer (Tony Awards for “Phantom of the Opera”, “Cats”, “Evita”)

1948 [54] Wolf Blitzer, Buffalo NY, CNN news anchor (“Wolf Blitzer Reports”)

1952 [50] Bob Costas, Queens NY, NBC-TV sportscaster/Olympics host (5-time Emmy winner/5-time Sportscaster of the Year)

1955 [47] Lena Olin, Stockholm SWE, movie actress (“The Queen of the Damned”, “Chocolat”)/married to “Shipping News” and “Chocolat” director Lasse Hallstrom

1972 [30] Elvis Stojko, Richmond Hill ON, Canadian men’s figure skater (4 world titles, 2 Olympic silvers) who’s turning pro with the ‘Champions on Ice’ tour

1976 [26] Reese Witherspoon, Nashville TN, movie actress (“Legally Blonde”, “Cruel Intentions”) who’s now reportedly in counseling trying to save her marriage to actor Ryan Phillippe  NEXT MOVIES: The period romance “The Importance of Being Earnest” opening MAY 17, and the romantic comedy “Sweet Home Alabama” coming later this year.

1949 [53] Ric Ocasek, Boston MA, classic rock musician (The Cars-“Drive”, “You Might Think”)/Mr Paulina Porizkova since 1989

1960 [42] George Fox, Cochrane AB, country singer (“I Give You My Word”, “Time Of My Life”)

1971 [31] Yasmeen Ghauri, Montréal QC, fashion model (Victoria’s Secret, Valentino Perfume)

1976 [26] Keri Russell, Fountain Valley CA, TV actress (Felicity Porter-“Felicity” [1998-2002])/movie actress (“We Were Soldiers”) who began her career on the “Mickey Mouse Club” in 1991

1936 [66] Dr David Suzuki, Vancouver BC, award-winning scientist/environmentalist/broadcaster (CBC-“The Nature of Things”)/UBC professor since 1969

1951 [51] Tommy Hilfiger, Elmira NY, fashion designer (Tommy Girl)

1970 [32] Lara Flynn Boyle, Davenport IA, TV actress (DA Helen Gamble-“The Practice”) who has a role in “Men in Black 2″ opening JULY 3RD

1974 [28] Alyson Hannigan, Washington DC, TV actress (Willow Rosenberg-“Buffy the Vampire Slayer”)/movie actress (“American Pie 1 & 2”)

1976 [26] Peyton Manning, New Orleans LA, NFL QB (Indianapolis Colts)

TODAY is “As Young As You Feel Day”, a day to quit wallowing in worry about your chronological age and start feeling peppy! (I have a new service sorta like the guy at the carnival that guesses your weight, only I tell you how young you feel. I’d be happy to demonstrate when I get out of jail.)

TODAY is “Goof-Off Day”, a day to relax, be yourself and generally just goof off. (Sounds like a regular Friday.)

TOMORROW is “International Day of the Seal”, to draw attention to the ‘cruelty of seal hunts’.

TOMORROW is “National Chip and Dip Day” (celebrate with a Pentium and some Skoal).

TOMORROW-September 1st an exhibition commemorating the 40th anniversary of the first ‘James Bond’ film runs at the National Museum of Photography, Film & Television in Bradford UK, including items from all 19 ‘Bond’ movies such as ‘Oddjob’s’ lethal bowler hat from “Goldfinger”, one of 007’s Aston Martins, and the mini-jet from “Octopussy”. Visitors travel through a giant gun barrel tunnel to receive a briefing in the office of Bond’s boss ‘M’, tour ‘Q’s gadget workshop and visit the villain’s lair from “The Man with the Golden Gun”. The exhibition will move to London THIS FALL, then tour internationally.
PHONER: 44-0-1274-20-20-30 (museum curator Michael Harvey)

TOMORROW is “World Meteorological Day”, honoring everyone’s favorite topic of conversation — the weather. What overused weather clichés should be dumped? How about –“Mild, isn’t it?” (meaningless), “It’s nice out” (ditto), “Nice weather for the ducks”, “It’s raining cats and dogs”, and the ever annoying “Hot [cold] enough for ya?”

TOMORROW Ontario’s Conservatives will choose a new leader to replace retiring Mike Harris, who will automatically become the next premier of the province.

1894 [108] 1st Stanley Cup championship game as Montréal Amateur Athletic Association defeats Ottawa Capitals 3-1 (oldest championship in professional sports in North America)

1993 [09] 1st ‘Pentium processor’ for PCs introduced by Intel Corp

1997 [05] USA’s Tara Lipinski becomes youngest-ever ‘Women’s World Figure Skating Champion’ at age 14 years and 10 months

[Sun] World Tuberculosis Day
[Sun] Palm Sunday
[Tues] Legal Assistants Day
[Wed] Passover (begins at sundown)
[Thurs] Something On A Stick Day
[Fri] Good Friday
[Apr 7] Daylight Saving Time begins
National Clutter Awareness Week (time to clean up your program clock!)
International Listening Awareness Month


• The 1st Academy Awards ceremony was held on May 16, 1929. Only 250 people attended and the public wasn’t able to hear or see it. 5 people–all men–chose the first crop of winners. Now the Academy’s more than 5000 invitation-only members do the picking.
• Secrecy about who would win Oscars didn’t start until 1941. Before then, newspapers were given an advance list of winners to be published after the ceremony. But after the “LA Times” jumped the gun in 1940 and published the winners early, the tradition of sealed, secret envelopes began.
• From 1938-1966, there were separate ‘Best Cinematography’ awards for black-and-white films and color films. This practice ended in 1967 as virtually all movies were in color by then.
• The ‘Oscar’ statuette was designed by MGM’s art director Cedric Gibbons in 1928 and has remained unchanged except for getting a higher pedestal in the 1940s.
• The actual source of the name ‘Oscar’ is a matter of debate. Hollywood columnist Sidney Skolsky first used the nickname in print in his column on the 6th Academy Awards in 1934. It wasn’t until 1939 that the Academy first officially used the nickname.
• It takes 12 people 20 hours to make one Oscar statuette. Each year 50 to 60 Oscars are manufactured, but if they don’t pass strict standards they are instantly cut in half and melted down.
• 3 Oscar ceremonies have been delayed — 1938 (floods), 1968 (assassination of Martin Luther King Jr), and 1981 (attempted assassination of President Ronald Reagan).

• You will never find anybody anywhere who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we have Daylight Saving Time.
• You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
• The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
• The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
• If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings’.
• You should not confuse your career with your life.
• No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
• Nobody cares if you can’t dance. Just get up and dance.

Failure is an event, never a person.

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