Thursday, March 21, 2002        Edition: #2258
I’ve taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money.

TONIGHT we get to see Tonya Harding kick Paula Jones’ butt all over again as FOX-TV runs a repeat of LAST WEEK’S trashy “Celebrity Boxing” special (meantime they’re already working on ‘Round 2′ which may include “Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire” bride Darva Conger and will likely air in MAY) . . . A US version of the British TV phenomenon “Pop Idol” is coming this JUNE, in which music industry honchos and the TV audience select a contestant to become the next big music star (UK winner Will Young set an all-time first-week Brit sales record with his debut recording) . . . EMI Music is cutting 1,800 jobs (thanks in no small part to the humongous cost of dumping Mariah Carey) . . . LAST NIGHT the 10th annual “Movieguide Awards”, honoring films for their ‘moral acceptability’, selected “The Princess Diaries” as the ‘Best Family Film’ of the past year (what, you were expecting “Freddy Got Fingered”?) . . . Gwyneth Paltrow tells a German newspaper she’s fed up with male-dominated Hollywood and is considering moving to Europe (gosh you’ll be missed — sorta) . . . “Jerry Springer: The Opera” has become such an underground hit in London there’s talk of bringing the tongue-in-cheek stage production to NYC (you know what they say – it ain’t over till the fat lady sleeps with her husband’s cousin’s grandma!) . . . And poor Prince Charles is said to be devastated over the death of his 18-year-old Jack Russell terrier ‘Tigga’ that he’s had since puppyhood (fortunately he has another dog, and Camilla Parker Bowles is as healthy as a horse).

Madonna’s husband Guy Ritchie is re-editing his remake of the Italian classic “Swept Away” after test audiences found parts of it objectionable, one scene in particular where Madonna receives a savage beating as a prelude to love-making (the first half of the scene sounds more appealing than the second) . . . Johnny Depp will next portray Sir James M Barrie, the Scottish author of “Peter Pan”, in the bio-film “Neverland” . . . Disney is making a TV movie on the life of Britain’s 19-year-old Prince William, with the story beginning on the night his mother Princess Diana died (meantime his brother Prince Harry has been lined up to star in a remake of “Reefer Madness”) . . . David Hasselhoff is producing a big-screen version of his old TV show “Knight Rider” (just a warning) . . . Pierce Brosnan welcomed Halle Berry to the set of the now-shooting 20th ‘James Bond’ film “Die Another Day” with 100 long-stemmed yellow roses and a card that read “Welcome and congratulations to my Oscar-nominated co-star” (class will out) . . . Quentin Tarantino’s next film “Kill Bill” will star Uma Thurman as a woman shot by her husband, played by Warren Beatty (who could be her grandpa) . . . ‘Barbie’ doll has held some 80 jobs over her 40-plus years, and now has a deal for her 2nd straight-to-video movie, “Barbie as Rapunzel” coming in OCTOBER (actually it’s her 3rd film if you count that recently made Argentine porn movie that was banned).

Many Hollywood stars are said to be scheduling pre-Oscar treatments of botox – chicken botulinum toxin — which when injected into facial muscles renders them immobile, giving a more wrinkle-free appearance. Botox can also be injected into the armpits or palms of the hands, paralyzing sweat glands and thus preventing perspiration. It ain’t cheap – dermatologists charge about $1,000 per treatment. (Shows you how warped Hollywood’s become when we talk about injecting chicken byproducts into your pits and it doesn’t seem that odd.)

Typical – just as you’ve finished upgrading your home entertainment system, they’ve come up with something new! This JUNE a new technology called ‘DataPlay’ will be introduced, a new digital media format that uses double-sided mini-discs the size of a 50-cent piece. Each will hold 11 hours of compressed music files, or roughly 5 CDs-worth. First you’re going to need a DataPlay player (around $300), then you’ll need blank discs if you want to record your own compilations (about $5 a pop). The first music releases in the new format will include Britney Spears, ‘N Sync and R Kelly. (I’m still hanging onto my 8-tracks, just in case.)

Kenneth Curtis of North Carolina has lost a Supreme Court appeal to keep his Internet-based business going. Since 1996, his ‘Privacy Protection Services’ has been selling $69 kits containing drug-free urine in a small pouch along with special tubing and a warming pack to people trying to beat drug tests. His Website promised buyers they could use the kit in a ‘natural urinating position’ and never be detected. (Like you’re going to be able to operate all that paraphernalia when you’re pulled over for weaving all over the road.)

Remember ‘breaking in’ your baseball glove when you were a kid by smearing it with Vaseline and then tying it up with a big ol’ rock inside? Well, that’s apparently a thing of the past. Today’s kids can’t be bothered spending the time to get a glove in playing condition — they’re too busy doing other stuff. Glove manufacturers have clued in and created new ‘pre-oiled’ gloves and ‘soft-leather’ gloves with ‘pre-molded pockets’ designed to give attention-deficit-disorder-afflicted Junior instant gratification. (Coming soon – pre-spitted baseballs.)

A team of Japanese scientists has found two plant genes which govern the length and width of leaves in vegetables. In experiments, a plant in the mustard family was forced to grow in different shapes. The researchers say this could lead to ‘designer vegetables’ in the future, grown to suit individual tastes. (Just what we need, Gucci and Dior veggies – they already cost too much!)

So you thought you’d get a break on car insurance because your teenager’s a girl instead of a boy, huh? Forgetaboutit. New stats from the National Highway Traffic Safety Commission show that 16-year-old girls are becoming almost as bad a risk as 16-year-old boys when it comes to driving. Teenage girls are driving more, and the youngest are involved in an increasing number of accidents. As a result, insurance companies have begun to close the gap on premiums between young males and females. (Now’s the time to offer new roller blades.)

A Brazilian will attempt to sail from NYC to Rio de Janeiro in a boat made from 180 plastic bottles as a protest against pollution. Jose Geraldo de Souza Castro expects the 14,000-mile journey to take him 2 years to complete. (His heart’s in the right place, but the reality is — after he’s washed overboard and drowned, there’ll just be another 180 plastic bottles floating in the ocean.)


1946 [56] Timothy Dalton, Colwyn Bay WALES, movie actor (‘James Bond’ in ”Licence to Kill” and “The Living Daylights”)  TRIVIA: THIS YEAR marks the 40th anniversary of the first ‘James Bond’ film, “Dr No”. How many ‘Bonds’ have there been? [5 so far — Sean Connery, George Lazenby (one film only), Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton, and the current ‘Bond’, Pierce Brosnan.]

1950 [52] Roger Hodgson, Portsmouth ENG, classic rock musician (Supertramp-“Give a Little Bit”)

1958 [44] Gary Oldman, London ENG, movie bad guy (“Hannibal“, “JFK”)

1962 [40] Matthew Broderick, NYC, Broadway actor (just finished a 1-year run as ‘Leo Bloom’ in Mel Brooks’ hit musical “The Producers”, “How to Succeed at Business Without Really Trying”)/movie actor (“Inspector Gadget”, “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”)/Mr Sarah Jessica Parker since 1997

1962 [40] Rosie O’Donnell, Commack NY, TV talk show host who’s set to retire in MAY (“The Rosie O’Donnell Show”, since 1996)/movie actress (“A League of Their Own”, “The Flintstones”)/talks about being gay in her recently released memoir “Find Me”

TODAY is —
• “UN International Day for Elimination of Discrimination”
• “International Astrology Day”, just as the Aries zodiac sign begins.
• “Children’s Poetry Day” (have kids call in and read some)
• “Single Parents Day” (toughest day of the year to find a babysitter)
• “Fragrance Day” (either has to do with perfume or [your co-host] after a workout)
• “National Teenagers Day” (tell them how special they are and they’ll grunt at you)
• “Memory Day” (but we can’t remember why)

1952 [50] 25,000 attend 1st-ever ‘rock ‘n roll concert’ (DJ Alan Freed hosts ‘Moondog Coronation Ball’ at Cleveland Arena, but Paul “Hucklebuck” Williams performs only one song before fights break out and close the show)

1961 [41] The Beatles’ 1st appearance at Liverpool’s Cavern Club (Pete Best on drums)

2000 [02]  ‘N Sync releases “No Strings Attached”, which sets all-time record for ‘single-day album sales’ — 1.1 million units

[Fri] As Young as You Feel Day
[Sat] International Day of the Seal
[Sat] 22nd Annual Golden Raspberry Awards (the Razzys)
[Sun] 74th Academy Awards
Severe Weather Awareness Week
Jobs for Teens Week
Red Cross Month
Kite Month


• Your office chair is made of porcelain and has a big hole in the seat.
• People only come into your office to borrow pencils — from your ceiling.
• In your one-page performance report, the word ‘sucks’ appears 12 times.
• That dental plan you were promised consists of string, pliers and 2 aspirin.
• The only activity on your calendar? Thursday/8am — Discuss “The West Wing” at the water cooler.
• Your boss keeps asking you when she can ‘show’ your cubicle.
• You’re so bored you’ve already read the entire “Dilbert” page-a-day calendar – for 2003.
• You keep overhearing the CEO mumbling ‘eeny-meeny-miney-moe’.
• Your office nickname: ‘Deadwood’.

“I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.”
“Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.”
“Take my advice, or I’ll spank you without pants!”
“Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?”
“Quiet or I’ll blow your throat up.”
“I’ll fire aimlessly if you don’t come out!”
“You daring lousy guy!”
“Beat him out of recognizable shape!”
“Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.”
“I got knife scars more than the number of your leg’s hair!”

Two of these are facts, one is pure BS. But which one?
1. Ancient Egyptians never looked at the Moon, believing to do so brought bad luck. (BS)
2. In ancient Egypt, some people fed their statues every day.
3. Ancient Egyptians mummified cats and mice.

• “What’s the weirdest driving habit you’ve ever seen?”
• “Who were the worst neighbors you ever had?”
• “What are your best excuses for getting out of doing work around the house?”

BS Q & A:
Q: YESTERDAY was the ‘vernal equinox’. So just what was it that was equal?
A: With the Sun positioned directly over the equator, day and night were about equal in length around-the-world — 12 hours each. ‘Equinox’ is Latin for ‘equal night’.

You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.

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