Tuesday, March 19, 2002        Edition: #2256
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

What movie stars say before, during and after the Academy Awards [and what it actually means] . . .
• “This award really doesn’t belong to me.” [Possession is nine-tenths of the law, so tough noogies.]
• “Just being nominated is an honor in itself.” [I’m not gonna win.]
• “I’m sorry I can’t be with you all tonight.” [Damn, I didn’t think I had a chance!]
• “I’m really pleased that (so and so) won.” [I had 2-grand bet on him in Vegas at 4 to 1.]
• “Wow! This is a big surprise.” [It’s about freakin’ time I got the long overdue recognition I deserve.]
• “There are just so many people on this film to thank, that I couldn’t possibly name them all.” [I don’t know any of their names because I’m a self-involved egomaniac who never comes out of my trailer except when I have to shoot my scenes.]
• “I’d like to thank all the people behind the scenes.” [My drug-dealer and therapist are here tonight.]
• “Money can’t buy what I’m feeling now.” [It’ll cost you an extra 5 million if you want me for your next film.]
• “The judges could surprise everyone this year.” [Tom Hanks won’t win for a change.]
• “I’m speechless. I really can’t think of anything to say.” [I’m drunk.]

Michael Jackson says he’ll soon visit Canada to take a look at the movie production company he now owns (hide your sons!) . . . Word is 32-year-old Vancouver actor and former ”Beverly Hills 90210″ star Jason Priestley has finally faced the music and checked into Promises, the Malibu CA detox center to the stars . . . Almost 2 million have now applied for free tickets to Queen Elizabeth’s “Golden Jubilee Party at the Palace” concert coming JUNE 3rd (only 24,000 tickets are available) . . . Details of the new “Tomb Raider” computer game, including it’s heavily-guarded title, will be unveiled later THIS WEEK (when it hits the market in DECEMBER, a 2nd playable character called ‘Curtis Trent’ will join ‘Lara Croft’) . . . European cosmetics maker Lancaster has a deal to develop a new J-Lo fragrance that it says ‘will be designed to reflect the inspirational, confident and desirable qualities of Jennifer Lopez herself’ (in other words, it’ll smell like she does after a vigorous 2-hour concert) . . . Here’s an odd pairing —  former Spice Girl Geri Halliwell and Eminem, whose first date was reportedly at an LA bowling alley (interesting that in his hit “My Name Is”, one of the lines is ‘I can’t figure out which Spice Girl I want to impregnate’) . . . Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band are reportedly in an Atlanta studio recording a new album . . . The Dixie Chicks have completed a new album scheduled for release THIS FALL, tentatively titled “Home” . . . Ah, the stress of excess — Madonna’s 5-year-old daughter Lourdes caused havoc in a London recording studio while mother dearest was in a sound booth working on a new album by telling engineers she’d lost an earring — a $15,000-earring that was a present from mommy – causing a panic-stricken but ultimately successful search by the crew (no one wants to experience the wrath of mom!).

Denzel Washington has a ‘Best Actor’ Oscar nomination for his role as a rogue LAPD narcotics cop trying to influence his rookie partner in the drama “Training Day” . . . Jake Gyllenhaal stars in the mystery “Donnie Darko” as a high-schooler plagued by visions of a giant evil rabbit who orders him to commit acts of violence . . . The animated family sequel “The Hunchback of Notre Dame II” features the voices of Jason Alexander & Jennifer Love Hewitt (is it our imagination or is Disney cranking out sequels to every old flick in its library?) . . . And a new DVD version of the 10-year-old romantic comedy “Strictly Ballroom” lampoons the bizarre world of competitive ballroom dancing (most notable because it was directed by Baz Luhrmann, director of Oscar-nominated ‘Best Picture’ “Moulin Rouge”).

The list of goodies for Oscar presenters and performers continues to grow, a bundle that now includes a designer handbag, a $1,000-plus watch, a voucher for trendy Mexican spa resort Esperanza, a voucher for a teeth-whitening session, a reclining chair, and — hey, this is Hollywood — a bed!

Chinese doctors have developed a cure for arthritis that many outside of China may be reluctant to try. It’s made with — ant juice. The docs say a mixture of squashed ants and water can reverse arthritis in a flash.

The US Bureau of Engraving & Printing has announced that ‘subtle colors’ will be introduced to American currency notes NEXT YEAR as a further measure to combat forgery. The traditional appearance and current portraits on the notes will remain the same. The dollar bill or ‘greenback’ will still be green, but higher denomination notes will include pale hues of ink in other colors. US currency has come in green and black ink exclusively since 1926. (Now maybe they’ll quit calling Canadian bills ‘Monopoly money’.)

In what may be a world first, prostitutes at the Café Pssst! brothel in Berlin, Germany now have employment contracts guaranteeing a 40-hour work week, a basic wage, benefits, a pension and — get this — profit sharing ($35 a client). The contracts were drawn up after the German parliament passed a law giving hookers employment rights. Under the agreement, ladies of the evening can also choose to remain ‘free agents’ without a contract. Prostitution is legal in Germany where 400,000 pros turn an estimated 1.2 million tricks — per day.

Some restaurants in the UK are now asking customers who want their meat entrée served rare to sign a disclaimer due to fears over the risk of E-coli and salmonella poisoning. The waiver, releasing the restaurant from any liability, must be signed BEFORE the customer is served.

NASA research shows that performance increases by 35% if employees take a 45-minute ‘power nap’ in the afternoon. Scientists say a Mediterranean-style siesta improves the ability to make business decisions correctly by 50%. NASA originally conducted the research to determine how to maximize astronauts’ time in space, but found the results also prove true for office workers with less glamorous or demanding jobs.

Newly-released figures from Euro Monitor International show that worldwide beer consumption has risen by 20% over the last 5 years. The Czech Republic is the top beer consuming country, at 162 liters (around 40 gallons) per person per year, way ahead of 2nd place Ireland at 139. Germany is 3rd at 123.


1947 [55] Glenn Close, Greenwich CT, film actress (“101 [102] Dalmatians”, “Fatal Attraction”, “The Big Chill“)/Broadway actress (3 Tony Awards-”The Real Thing”, “Death & the Maiden”, “Sunset Boulevard”)/TV actress (Emmy Award-“Serving in Silence: The Margarethe Cammermeyer Story”)  NEXT FILM: Co-stars with Kate Hudson in the comedy “Le Divorce”

1955 [47] Bruce Willis, Idar-Oberstein GER, film actor (“Hart’s War”, “The Sixth Sense”, “Die Hard” trilogy)/ex-Mr Demi Moore/2002 Harvard University Hasty Pudding Theatricals ‘Man of the Year’  NOTE: Latest girlfriend is 23-year-old Peterborough ON-born “Planet of the Apes” babe Estella Warren

1989 [13] Craig Lamar Traylor, Ontario CA, TV actor (Stevie Kenarban-“Malcolm in the Middle”)

TODAY is “St Joseph’s Day”, the day that the swallows traditionally return to the Mission San Juan Capistrano in California. Every March 19th since 1776 (with very few exceptions), the birds come back to usher in spring in the Southern California seaside town, and their return is now an annual tourist attraction.

TOMORROW is the 18th annual “Great American Meatout”, when we’re encouraged to kick the meat habit for a day and explore a ‘wholesome, nonviolent diet of grains, vegetables and fruits’. The focus of this year’s observance is promoting the availability and selection of meatless foods in grocery stores and restaurants. The idea was launched in 1985 and is promoted each year by FARM (formerly Farm Animal Reform Movement), a national lobby group headquartered in Washington DC.
NET: http://www.meatout.org

TOMORROW, the first day of Spring, is “Proposal Day”, when all singles are encouraged to pop the ‘big question’. (NOT the question ‘How can I get laid?’)

1871 [131] 1st ‘chewing gum’ is invented (the next day, the first wad is found stuck to the bottom of a shoe)

1931 [71] ‘Alka-Seltzer’ 1st goes on sale (“Plop plop, fizz fizz, oh what a relief it is!”)

1986 [16] 1st ‘Monkey Cam’, operated by an actual monkey (“Late Night With David Letterman”)

1990 [12] 1st-ever ‘Women’s World Hockey Tournament’ (Team Canada wins gold in Ottawa)

1994 [08] World’s ‘largest omelette’ includes 160,000 eggs and measures 1,383 square feet (Yokohama JAP)

[Wed] 1st Day of Spring
[Sat] 22nd Annual Golden Raspberry Awards (the Razzys)
[Sun] 74th Academy Awards
[Mar 31] Easter
[Mar 30-Apr 1] NCAA Final Four (Atlanta)
[Apr 15] Tax Day USA
[Apr 14] Juno Awards
[Apr 30] Canadian Income Tax deadline
National Clutter Awareness Week
National Second-Hand Shopping Week
Hemophilia Month
Noodle Month


• “What’s the worst uniform you’ve ever had to wear?”
• “What would you do if you were the opposite sex for a day?”
• “What’s the ugliest thing in your wardrobe that you refuse to throw out?

While “Millionaire” and “Weakest Link” got hot and then chilled, good old “Jeopardy” just kept hangin’ in, cranking up respectable TV ratings as it has since 1984. The radio version is simple – you give the answers, your contestants must supply the questions. When they can’t, you fill in the zinger.
• The answer is ‘It’s not hard’.
[The correct question is ‘How can you spot the blind guy in a nudist colony?’]
• The answer is ‘In case she locks the keys in her car’.
[The correct question is ‘Why does (your co-host) keep a coat hanger in her back seat?’]
• The answer is ‘slow down’.
[The correct question is ‘What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?’]
• The answer is ‘her ankles’.
[What does Gwyneth Paltrow put behind her ears to make herself more attractive?]
• The answer is Russell Crowe, Marlboro and (your co-host).
[Name a bloke, a smoke and a joke.]
• The answer is ‘mace’.
[Why does Mike Tyson cry after sex?]
• The answer is ‘pumpkin pi’.
[What does a mathematician get if he divides the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?]
• The answer is ‘Thanks guys’.
[What does Pam Anderson say after sex?]
• The answer is ‘what what?’
[What does a confused owl say?]
• The answer is ‘Britney Spears doing cartwheels’.
[What is blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette . . .?]
NET: Get the ”Jeopardy” theme music here –
http://www.spe.sony.com/tv/shows/jeopardy/mult/audio_video/# (MP3 format)
http://www.angelfire.com/ca5/pelagics/MUSICINDEX.html (MIDI file)
http://www.cyberspacecreations.com/sounds.html (.wav file)

“The real glory is being knocked to your knees and then coming back.”
a) Paula Jones
b) Monica Lewinsky
c) Mike Tyson
d) Vince Lombardi
e) Stockwell Day
[Legendary Green Bay Packers coach Vince Lombardi.]

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If you are too busy to laugh, you are too busy.


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