Wednesday, March 13, 2002        Edition: #2252
Sheet For Brains!

Yee haw! The first day of Spring is just one week from TODAY!
• You finally got your snowblower fixed.
• Thanks to spring break, the average age in Florida has dropped below 70.
• Your lazy neighbors finally shut off their Christmas lights.
• Michael Jackson goes in for his annual face re-caulking.
• Every time you sit down to dinner, another call from a lawn care telemarketer.
• Convertible owners driving around with the top down and the heater on full blast.
• Your wacky vet sends card reminding you it’s time for your dog’s annual neutering.
• H&R Block now taking credit card reservations only.
• George Clooney’s in heat.
• First robin poop on your windshield.
• Cab drivers yell, “It’s a lovely day, now get out of the way, you stupid bastard!”
• Finally warm enough to have sex without your socks on.

The Canadian curling comedy film “Men with Brooms” grossed over $1 million on its opening weekend, good enough to make it #1 at the box office in Winnipeg, #2 in Edmonton and Calgary (where the “Nokia Brier” is underway) . . . TODAY the first honorees will be inducted into the new “Hip-Hop Hall of Fame” in NYC, including Run DMC, LL Cool J, Queen Latifah, the late Tupac Shakur and the late Notorious BIG (and various other drive-by victims) . . . TODAY a Sotheby’s auction of movie memorabilia begins in London that includes a giant Buddha from the ‘James Bond’ film “The Man With The Golden Gun” that also appeared in “Tomb Raider”, and a clock in a full-sized coffin from the cult flick “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” . . . TONIGHT that “Celebrity Boxing” special airs on FOX-TV (we’re talking ‘Z-list celebrities) with 5′-1″ trailer trash Tonya Harding taking on the plastic beak, 5′-3” Paula Jones, Danny Bonaduce from “The Partridge Family” vs Barry Williams of “The Brady Bunch”, and Todd Bridges (ex-“Diff’rent Strokes”) vs has-been rapper Vanilla Ice (another totally cheesy Dick Clark Production that redefines ‘trash TV’ — you bet I’ll be watching!) . . . Oddball Hollywood couple Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton have adopted a baby boy from Cambodia (who, after seeing the vials of blood around his new parents’ necks said, “It’s okay, I’d rather take my chances with poverty, disease and pestilence) . . . It looks like daytime TV queen Oprah Winfrey will call it quits in 2006 after 20 gabfest seasons (and why not — “Forbes” magazine estimated her fortune at over  $900 million LAST YEAR) . . . Victoria’s Secret has sent out $5,000 BRAS with 14K white-gold chain straps holding 22 round white diamonds to Oscar ‘Best Actress’ nominees Halle Berry, Sissy Spacek, Judi Dench, Renée Zellweger and Nicole Kidman . . . And ah yes, poor desperate-and-dateless Nicole Kidman says she doesn’t have anyone to bring to the Academy Awards yet, but she’s still looking.

• ‘Freddy’ — a Heineken beer, named after the late Freddy Heineken. (“Tarbender, gimme 2 freddys and a ginger ale!”)
• ‘ATF’ – short for ‘A–hole Tolerance Factor’. (“I had to bust out of that staff meeting. My ATF was at an all time low and I was ready to smack someone.”)
• ‘Butterbum’ – a very lucky person, likely derived from the Dutch expression ‘met z’n gat in de boter vallen’, meaning ‘to fall with his butt in the butter’. (“You get 4 weeks vacation plus stats? You butterbum!”)

Having mixed feelings about your mate isn’t necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it could make your
relationship stronger. Psychologist Walter O’Connell says it means you accept your partner warts and all, and if you can live with both their good and bad traits you’re well on your way to a solid marriage. (Or a double homicide.)

You’ve been able to find an online ‘date’ for years but now you can get a cyber divorce! A new Website started by Seattle attorney Randy Finney allows a do-it-yourself divorce that’s legal in Washington, California, Florida and New York, and will likely spread elsewhere in the interest of saving court time. So far, about a thousand feuding couples have ponied up the $249 fee for an online quickie!

Even though it cost $425 million and employed more than 45,000 people, it’s estimated the just-released “2001 Canadian Census” missed counting over a million Canadians. (Well hey, it gets confusing when terrorists have 3 valid Canadian passports each, eh?)

Unable to persuade Eaton High School in Greeley CO to change its team name from the ‘Reds’ and using an American Indian caricature on its logo, a group of native students at the University of Northern Colorado has named its intramural basketball team ‘The Fighting Whities’.

On the way to renew his driver’s license, Murray Silver of West Palm Beach FL crossed 3 lanes of traffic and caused an accident. Despite the setback he says he’ll return to the licensing office to get his 5-year upgrade, which will keep him driving until his 105TH BIRTHDAY. (This is only amusing if you DON’T live in geezer-infested Florida.)

• Thousands of people have applied to become citizens of the northern European nation of Ladonia. Unfortunately, it doesn’t exist. ‘Ladonia’ is a sq km (half-mile) chunk of land in southern Sweden that exists only on the Internet. It’s creator, Swedish artist Lars Vilks, says many of the wannabe immigrants have applied from Pakistan, where word of the new country is quickly spreading. Check out the immigration application here —
• In Dorset, England a 50th birthday party complete with hired stripper was held for Frankie McMahon — even though he died shortly before it got underway. (The stripper says the lap dance was really gross.)
• In Amsterdam, Netherlands a man has shot himself after taking hostages. In a faxed statement he said he was protesting the ‘arrogant manipulation by the vendors of wide screen television’ and complained that consumers were being misled about the quality of the product. (Kind of gives you second thoughts about your new job at Future Shop, don’t it?)
• Doctors in Scotland say they’ve confirmed what many considered an old wive’s tale: Women who consume lots of fish before conceiving have a better chance of having a baby boy. The scientists say they don’t know why, but they’ve launched a study to find out. (Maybe they could also look into how you’re supposed to convince your hubby to get amorous after you’ve had fish breath for more than a month.)
• Banging your head may be the cure for baldness! A bald business man in New Zealand banged his head on the dashboard of his car during a minor accident. A few months later he began to grow a full head of hair. Doctors have no explanation for the regrowth. (Although that stuffed ‘Garfield’ the guy had dangling from his rearview mirror seems to be missing.)


1950 [52] William H Macy, Miami FL, movie actor (“Jurassic Park III”, “A Civil Action”, “Fargo”)  NEXT MOVIE: Co-stars in the George Clooney comedy “Welcome to Collinwood”, opening SEPTEMBER 13

1956 [46] Dana Delany, NYC, TV actress (Catherine McAllister-“Pasadena”, “China Beach” [1988-91])

1960 [42] Adam Clayton, Chinnor ENG, rock bassist (U2-2002 Grammy Awards-“Walk On”, “Stuck In A Moment You Can’t Get Out Of”, “Elevation”, “All That You Can’t Leave Behind”)

1971 [31] Annabeth Gish, Albuquerque NM, TV actress (Special Agent Monica Reyes-“The X-Files” [2001- 02])

TODAY is “Open an Umbrella Indoors Day”, challenging the old superstition and no doubt celebrating the anniversary of some slob getting poked in the eye.

TODAY is “Good Samaritan Day”. Here’s what it’s all about — New Jersey has just introduced a ‘Good Samaritan’ law making it an offense punishable by 18 months in prison and a $10,000 fine to witness a violent crime and not report it to the police as quickly as possible. Four other states — Massachusetts, Minnesota, Rhode Island and Vermont — have similar laws. (Don’t know about you, but if I’m ever asked, I didn’t see ‘Mr Soprano’ anywhere in the vicinity of the crime.)

1781 [221] Sir William Herschel discovers ‘Uranus’

1877 [125] 1st ‘earmuffs’ patented (Chester Greenwood-Farmington, Maine)

1894 [108] 1st professional ‘striptease’ (Paris FRA)

[Thurs] National Single Fathers Who Are Not Leeches on Society Day
[Thurs] National Potato Chip Day
[Fri] Ides of March / National Brutus Day
[Sat] Lips Appreciation Day
[Sun] St Patrick’s Day
Music in our Schools Week
International Listening Awareness Month
International Mirth Month


Contestant has 10 seconds to name 5 items in each category –
• 5 Canadian politicians.
• 5 capital cities.
• 5 names of foreign currency.
• 5 schoolyard games.
• 5 dumb nicknames.

Q: What is the only ‘temporary organ’ in the human body?
A: Now that’s a brain wracker, ain’t it? Bet you didn’t think of the ‘placenta’. Formed at conception, it exists solely to provide life support for an unborn baby, then is discarded at birth.
Source: “Sudden Facts”

Q: What organ gradually gets smaller the longer you live?
A: Clean up your mind! It’s the ‘thymus’, a small organ under the breastbone. It is largest at puberty, then gradually dwindles and almost disappears. Scientists believe it plays a key role in developing immunity.
Source: “Triviaville”

Contestant must answer all 10 rapid-fire questions WRONG to win (a lot tougher than it sounds).
• Who’s the Prime Minister of Canada?
• What’s another word for Celsius? (they CAN’T say centigrade.)
• Name a common house pet.
• Spell Mississauga.
• What’s the year 2002 in Roman numerals? (they CAN’T say M-M-I-I.)
• Who wins Academy Awards?
• What’s a dog normally chasing when it runs around in circles?
• What 3 colors appear on traffic lights?
• Who’s smarter – men or women? (you decide if they’re right or wrong.)
• What’s your name?

• IN A LAUNDROMAT: “Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.”
• IN A DEPARTMENT STORE: “Bargain Basement Upstairs!”
• IN AN OFFICE: “Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken. “
• IN AN OFFICE BUILDING WASHROOM: “Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.”
• ON A CHURCH DOOR: “This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance.)”
• OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND STORE: “We exchange anything — bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain!”
• IN A HEALTH FOOD STORE WINDOW: “Closed due to illness.”
• NOTICE IN A FIELD: “The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.”

A penny saved is a government oversight.


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