Thursday, March 7, 2002        Edition: #2248
Oh boy, it’s “Survivor” night. All together, everyone: O-E-O-E-O-E-O-A….

WHY CATS ARE BETTER THAN DOGS:
• Cats rub your leg when they want affection, not when they’re horny.
• Cats always land on their feet. Dogs just won’t let you throw them.
• Cats will wait until you’ve read your morning paper before tearing it to shreds.
• Fewer cat owners suffer from ‘Flappy Tail’ lacerations.
• No one has ever had to ‘Beware of the Cat’.
• Cats bury their crap. Dogs dig up others’.
• Why do you think they call it ‘Dog Breath’?

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT on “Survivor: Marquesas”, construction worker Rob and cocktail waitress babe Sarah grow ‘closer’, and truck assembler Patricia (aka ‘Momma’) finds dissension in the ranks when she begins to take charge . . . George Clooney is so wild about new gal-pal 27-year-old Maria Bertrand, a model and bartender at Montréal’s Globe restaurant, that he has given her a role in the first film he’s ever directed, “Confessions of a Dangerous Mind” (just trying out his new casting couch) . . . Sony Music is denying industry rumors that Michael Jackson will sell his share of the Beatles’ song catalog to the company to help pay off his debts (translated from show biz lingo: he wants too much) . . . Meantime, Jackson is said to be preparing his first North American tour in nearly a decade (bet you 20 bucks it’s canceled) . . . Don’t believe everything you see on TV, especially in these hi-tech times – SATURDAY night when ABC-TV aired the 1971 ‘James Bond’ flick “Diamonds Are Forever”, it digitally superimposed a bra on Lana Wood’s character, ‘Plenty O’Toole’, and also colorized her panties to match (even though there was no particular reason to do so – other than they could) . . . Lucille Ball’s 112-year-old childhood home, 60 miles south of Buffalo NY, is up for sale on eBay with a modest asking price of just $98,500 (gawking tourists included).

MOVIES IN THE MAKING:
After he completes the two “The Matrix” sequels, Keanu Reeves is looking to star in a remake of the 1971 hit film “Billy Jack” as an ex-Green Beret karate expert . . . Comedian Jamie Foxx will star in the golf comedy “Ingle Woods” as a prankster who tries to convince everyone he’s the long-lost cousin of Tiger Woods . . . 74-year-old former ‘James Bond’ actor Roger Moore will play a ‘an old queen taking a trip on a cruise ship’ opposite Cuba Gooding Jr in the upcoming comedy “Boat Trip” . . . Madonna’s Maverick Films will produce a new comedy called — what else — “Like a Virgin”, about a girl who launches a ‘back-to-virginity’ movement at her high school (really, can you go back?) . . . Jennifer Lopez will play a maid at a 5-star NYC hotel who attracts a politician played by Ralph Fiennes in the romantic comedy “The Chambermaid” . . . Hard to believe THIS hasn’t been done yet – Sony Pictures has just snapped up the rights to make a bigscreen version of “The Lone Ranger”, one of the most popular TV shows of the ‘50s . . . And another great fictional character will be the subject of a future flick — Brit heart-throb Jude Law will play ‘Sherlock Holmes’ in an as-yet-untitled new film about the famous detective.

BIZARRE BS:
• This story is kind of eery – a pair of 70-year-old twin brothers in Finland have been killed in separate cycling accidents within hours of each other. Both were run over by trucks, the first
at 9.29am, the second 2 hours, 17 minutes later on the SAME ROAD about a mile from the first. Police say it’s unlikely the 2nd victim knew about his twin’s earlier accident. (Talk about kindred spirits!)
• The British Army has announced it will now allow single soldiers to bring girlfriends back to military barracks — overnight. But with typical British propriety Army chief General Michael Walker insists, “We are not setting up knocking shops.” (That would be the understated Brit term for whorehouse.)
• A former pathology lab employee in Tucson AZ has been sentenced to a year-and-a-half in prison for photographing and fondling a corpse. (The good news is, they’ve signed him up for a guest shot on “CSI”. Necrophilia also means you have less chance of getting dumped.)
• Here’s a unique attempt to make airline passengers feel like they have more room – smaller flight attendants! Air Wales is now only recruiting women who are 5 ft-3 ins tall or less. Hey, one easy way to make something look big is to surround it with small things!
• The Canadian Defence Department has a 17- page set of guidelines for manufacturers who wish to supply underwear to the military. Among the most challenging requirements are that one pair must be able to be worn for 6-month stints in the field and that the garment must be invisible to night-vision goggles so that a skivvy-clad soldier does not offer a target to snipers. (Well thank gawd the military’s done everything possible to make sure our Patricias are safe over there in Afghanistan.)

SILLY STUDIES:
• A new Harvard University study suggests that ketchup can help lower risk of prostate cancer in men. (BS tip: The squeeze bottles make application much easier.)
• A new German study finds that government employees who are allowed to nap during the day are more efficient than those who stay awake. (This is unbelievable – there are civil servants who stay awake?)
• A new study from the American Medical Association finds that long-term marijuana use can  lower your attention span and destroy your memory. (Where was it I read that?)
• A study published in the “LA Times” says that between the ages of 25 to 65, more than 30% of your facial area drops from above the mid-face line to below. The nose, for instance, stretches 10% and tips downward by a quarter-inch on average. (All of this applies unless, of course, you’re Joan Rivers, who’s had 75% of her face dragged up and tucked into each eye socket.)

HOW TO BLOW A JOB INTERVIEW:
Personnel executives of 100 major corporations were asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. Here are some highlights –
• “The candidate stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.”
• “She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.”
• “A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. He returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.”
• “She announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer’s office, wiping the ketchup on her sleeve.”
• “He stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.”
• “Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.”
• “When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.”
• “At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumb-struck, he went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left.”
• “Said he wasn’t interested because the position paid too much.”
• “Candidate said he really didn’t want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.”

THE BULL SHEET 03.07.2K2

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1942 [60] Michael Eisner, Mt Kisko NY, Walt Disney CEO who makes obscene amounts of money

1956 [46] Bryan Cranston, LA CA, TV actor (the father Hal-”Malcolm In The Middle”)

1971 [31] Rachel Weisz, London ENG, movie actress (“The Mummy”,“The Mummy Returns”)

1977 [25] Paul Cattermole, St Albans ENG, pop singer (S Club 7-“S Club Party”)/TV actor (“S Club 7 in Hollywood”, Miami 7″)

1980 [22] Laura Prepon, Watchung NJ, TV actress (Donna Pinciotti-“That ‘70s Show”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is one of the few days of the entire year when there is no significant celebration of any kind going on anywhere. This is a good day to ask listeners, “If you could create your own holiday, what would it be?” (How about “International Day of Angry Hamsters”, “Give Everyone a Wet Willy Day”, “Talk Like Elmer Fudd Day”, or perhaps, “Stay Home & Have Goat Sex Day”?)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1876 [126] Alexander Graham Bell patents the ‘telephone’, and 3 days later makes 1st phone call (but unfortunately gets a busy signal)

1911 [91] 1st ‘coin-operated locker’, invented by Willis Farnsworth of Petaluma CA (thereby giving movie bad guys a place to stash their loot)

1933 [69] Unemployed engineer Charles B Darrow of Germantown PA ‘invents’ board game  “Monopoly” (although some say he stole the idea from earlier games including Lizzie J Magie’s “The Landlord’s Game”, created in 1904)
MONOPOLY FACTS:
• World’s biggest-selling copyrighted game. More than 160 million copies of the game have been sold in 45 countries and printed in 25 languages. 300,000 copies are sold annually in Canada alone.
• There are 22 properties on which houses and hotels can be built. The 3 most-landed-on properties are Illinois Avenue, GO and the B&O Railroad.
• More than 5.1 billion green houses have been ‘constructed’ since the game’s introduction.
• World records are maintained for the longest game in a treehouse (286 hours), underground (100 hours), in a bathtub (99 hours) and upside down (36 hours). The longest recorded game took 70 days.
• The total amount of money in a game is $15,140.
• The character on the cover of the game is ‘Rich Uncle Pennybags’ while the man locked in jail is ‘Jake the Jailbird’, sent there by ‘Officer Edgar Mallory’.
(Source: “The Monopoly Book”)

1954 [48] In its 1st international competition Russia defeats Canada 7-2 to capture the World Hockey Championship in Stockholm, beginning a dynasty

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] International Women’s Day
[Fri] Employee Appreciation Day
[Fri] Middle Name Pride Day
[Sat] 54th Directors Guild of America Awards
[Sun] 8th Screen Actors Guild Awards
Return the Borrowed Books Week
National Foreign Language Week
Improve Management Skills Month
Music in our Schools Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS BRAIN BUSTER:

What food do you throw away the outside of, then cook the inside of, then eat the outside of, and then throw away the inside of? [An ear of corn.]

BS ‘DEAD OR ALIVE’:
Are the following rock ‘n roll pioneers stiff or still rockin’?
• Frankie Avalon [alive at 61]
• Ricky Nelson [went to rock & roll heaven 12/31/85]
• Chuck Berry [alive and 75]
• Bo Diddley [alive at 73]
• Fats Domino [alive and 73]
• Jerry Lee Lewis [alive and 66]
• Roy Orbison [died 12/6/88]
• Fabian [alive and 59]
• Bill Haley [stiffed 2/9/81]
• Little Richard [alive at 69]
• Neil Sedaka [alive and 62]
• Del Shannon [died 2/8/90]
• Chubby Checker [alive and 60]

BS QUICK PICK TRIVIA:
Thomas Wilby and FV Haney were the first Canadians to do this –
a) Play Major League Baseball.
b) Win an Academy Award.
c) Drive across the country.
d) Make a movie without a government grant.
[The first to drive across the country. The made the trip in 52 days in 1912, even though some parts of the country didn't even have roads then.]

After the Vice-President, who’s next in line of succession for the US Presidency?
a) Speaker of the House of Representatives
b) President Pro Tempore of the Senate
c) Secretary of State
d) Secretary of the Treasury
[According to the “NY Public Library Book of Answers”, those are the next 4, in order.]

WHICH IS WORSE?
(A rapid-fire on-air poll or Website survey.)
• Hairy backs on men OR Hairy legs on women?
• Sweaty foot odor OR Sweaty armpit odor?
• Flipping burgers at a fast food restaurant OR Being unemployed?
• Changing your baby’s diaper OR Changing your grandpa’s diaper?
• Wearing too much cologne OR Not wearing any deodorant?
• Eating a worm OR Swallowing a goldfish?
• An ear full of wax OR A nose full of hair?
• A fire engine’s horn OR Fingernails on a blackboard?
• Catching your parents ‘doing it’ OR Getting caught ‘doing it’ by your parents?
• Pit stains OR skid marks?

BS TAG LINE:
Success is not permanent. Neither is failure.

 


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