Tuesday, March 5, 2002        Edition: #2246
Get a Load of This Sheet!

• Intelligent Dogs (Poodle, German Shepherd, Australian Sheepdog) You’re the intelligent type, or at least you want others to think you are. But deep down you’re really very shallow. You’re the early adopter, the middle-aged entrepreneur with the latest cellphone, sunglasses and SUV, and you’re secretly relying on your pooch to be your best pick-up line yet.
• Dogs That Don’t Need Much Exercise  (Dachshund, Manchester Terrier, Chihuahua, Pekinese) You’re lazy, borderline frigid and probably overweight. You’re a master at self-justification; you’ve done far too much therapy and reward yourself and your pooch with daily treats. You’re a pet product manufacturer’s dream come true.
• Dogs That Are Good With Kids (Cocker Spaniel, Beagle, Basset Hound, Brittany Spaniel) You’re a guilt-ridden, overworked parent desperately hoping the dog will fill the void in your kid’s life. You’ve chosen the breed that most represents touchy-feely family warmth in the vain hope your child will hardly notice it’s 7pm and you’re at another meeting.
• Friendly Dogs (Old English Sheepdog, Collie, Golden Retriever, Labrador) You’re desperate, lonely and looking for love, and your dog is the perfect conversation-starter. You transfer all your thwarted love to your dog, but while you’re on the emotional prowl you secretly fear finding a new partner. After all, how will your pooch feel when he’s tossed out of the bed?
• Urban Dogs (Boston Terrier, Bulldog, Lhasa Apso, Welsh Corgi, Scottish Terrier) You’re neurotic, obsessive and over-sensitive, insist that your books are shelved in alphabetical order by author and you brush after every meal. You have no real desire for relationships that last longer than 3 months but you know you can love — after all, you’ve had your latest 4-legged companion for over 2 years!
• Quiet Dogs (Basenji, Borzoi, Chesapeake Bay Retriever, Whippet) You’re a deeply insecure control freak. While chasing your career you probably forgot to have kids and, as with everything in your life, you like your dog obedient and under your control. Your pet provides the perfect validation, especially in public where his obedient behavior proves to the world just how in control you are.
(Source: “Unlimited Net”)

TONIGHT MTV launches one of the weirdest reality TV shows yet – the daily activities of Brit rocker Ozzy Osbourne and his family in “The Osbournes” (“Eat your breakfast Junior, bats are good for you!”) . . . YESTERDAY 91-year-old former prez Ronald Reagan and wife Nancy celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary together in their Bel Air home (“Didn’t we used to live in a big white house, Mommy?”) . . . FOX-TV parent News Corp has developed a Chinese version of the hit sit-com “Friends”, to be called “Joyful Youth”, for a local-language channel in China the company will launch in a few weeks (can’t wait to hear them say ‘Ross’ & ‘Rachel’) . . . FOX-TV is developing MAY reunion specials for both the 30th anniversary of “M*A*S*H” and the old John Ritter/Suzanne Sommers sit-com “Three’s Company”, even though NEITHER show aired on the network (they’d have a reunion of one of their own shows, but nothing’s ever lasted long enough) . . . 31-year-old Mariah Carey reportedly has a new man — 24-year-old actor Aaron Mathias whom she met at a film festival (he said “Hey, aren’t you Mariah Carey?”, she said “I love you!”) . . . No April Foolin’ — Elizabeth Taylor and pop babe Mandy Moore play mother and daughter in the video for Elton John’s new single “Original Sin”, out APRIL 1st . . . And Britney Spears says she’s never heard of either Yoko Ono or Linda McCartney, explaining “I’m sorry. I’m very young.”

Slim pickin’s this week — There’s a new ‘Widescreen Special Edition’ of Steven Spielberg’s sci-fi drama “Artificial Intelligence: AI” . . . The Jet Li action pic ”The One” . . . . And a new DVD verison of Cameron Crowe’s 1989 romance “Say Anything…”, starring John Cusack.

Anew survey finds that about half of all men are worried about going bald and many check
their pillows each morning for hair. Single and younger men are twice as likely to worry about going bald than men with partners. They fear it will affect their chances of attracting women and are worried about cruel jokes from friends. A third of 18- to 24-year-olds say they’d panic about going completely bald at the first sign of hair loss. More than 40% of single men think that hair loss would lower their chances of getting a date. But a third of men age 25 to 34 think baldness actually IMPROVES their sex appeal.

A new Leger Marketing poll finds 54% of Canadians think household chores are split fairly between spouses. However, more men (64%) than women (45%) think guys are doing their fair share. Women most often do laundry (76%), cooking (67%), floor cleaning (59%) and  dishwashing (55%). (Leaving men responsible for? Oh yeah, changing the windshield washer fluid every couple of months.)

Beware the ‘Britney Virus’! The e-mail-delivered bug, labeled either ‘VBS/Britney-A’ or ‘VBS-BRITNEYPIC.A’, is considered low risk because it has infected a small number of computer users in Europe, but because the worm carries an attachment masquerading as a picture of Britney Spears, computer security types worry it may get passed on.

Toronto-based Leslie Perkins is setting up ‘The Embryo Adoption Program of Canada’, the country’s first of its kind. The concept is simple – fertility clinics nationwide have thousands of unused embryos stored in nitrogen freezing tanks. Couples who don’t want to destroy their unused embryos will be given the opportunity to donate them to infertile couples who’ve run out of reproductive options. (You’re sure to get calls about this, but the program won’t be in operation until at least this summer.)

US crime stats show that 45% of murders are committed by friends or acquaintances, 40% by a spouse or other family member, and just 13% by a total stranger. (Guess the old saying about a friend stabbing you in the back is true.)

An About.com poll of vegetarians asked, “Would you eat meat substitutes, food that looks and tastes like meat but isn’t? 76% of respondents said ‘Yes’. (Ahah! Admit it — you like it, you really like it!)


1952 [50] Alan Clark, Durham ENG, classic rock musician (Dire Straits-“Money for Nothing”, “Sultans of Swing”)

1955 [47] Penn Jillette, Greenfield MA, Las Vegas magician (Penn & Teller)

1970 [32] John Frusciante, NYC, rock musician (Red Hot Chili Peppers-“Californication”, “Under the Bridge”)

1975 [27] Niki Taylor, Fort Lauderdale FL, fashion model critically injured in a car crash last APRIL who’s suing the publisher of British “Glamour” magazine over photos of her surgery scars, claiming she was ‘coerced into removing her clothes to reveal her scars so they could be photographed’/250 magazine covers/”Sports Illustrated” swimsuit issue

1989 [13] Jake Lloyd, Fort Collins CO, movie actor (Anakin Skywalker in “Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace”, the role older Vancouver actor Hayden Christensen has taken over for “Episodes II & III”)

TODAY is “Unique Names Day”. Lots of directions to go with this besides unique personal names. Ask listeners for —
• Unusual Canadian Placenames (Blow Me Down NF, Crapaud PEI, Ecum Secum NS, St Loius du Ha-Ha! QC, Bummers Roost ON, Port of Climax SK, Westward Ho AB, Stoner BC)
(Bird-in-Hand PA, Hygiene CO, Monkey’s Eyebrow AZ, Yeehaw Junction FL, Cut Shin KY, Hot Coffee MS, Cut And Shoot TX, Intercourse PA)
• Weird Affectionate Names (Thumbelina, Tiny Tim, Tiddly Winks, Speedy Gonzalez, Captain Flaccid, Quick-Draw McGraw)
• Suggested Band Names (The Music Industry Puppets, The Statutory Five, Puber-T, Flash ‘N Da-Pan, The Backhair Boys, Boys In Da ‘Burbs)

TODAY marks the 20h anniversary of the death of comedian John Belushi. On March 5, 1982, the “Saturday Night Live” star died in a bungalow at the Chateau Marmont Hotel in Los Angeles following a cocaine, heroin and booze binge. He was 33-years-old.

TODAY is “Multiple Personalities Day”, saluting the adage ‘We have only one person to blame, and that’s each other.’

TOMORROW is “Stop Bad Service Day”, honoring companies that foster loyalty by providing top notch service. Ask listeners for stories of unusual and exceptional customer service. If it turns out to involve a sponsor – all the better!

MARCH is “National On-Hold Month”. Put a listener on-hold for your entire show. If they’re singing every time you go to them, they win!

1868 [134] 1st ‘stapler’ (next day, 1st bachelor uses stapler to hem pants)

1972 [30] 1st breeding of a Great Dane and a Dachshund to create a ‘Great Dachshund’ (interesting mental picture, ain’t it?)

1998 [04] US Air Force Lt Col Eileen Collins named 1st woman to command a Space Shuttle mission  

2000 [02] World’s 1st ‘cloned pigs’, produced by US subsidiary of Scottish company that cloned ‘Dolly the sheep’

1985 [17] 1st NHL player to score 50 goals in 8 consecutive seasons (Mike Bossy-NY Islanders)

1994 [08] World’s largest milkshake contains 1,955 gallons of chocolate (Nelspruit, South Africa)

[Fri] International Women’s Day
[Fri] Employee Appreciation Day
[Sun] Osama Bin Laden’s birthday
Newspaper in Education Week
Autograph Collecting Week (who’s the lamest ‘celebrity’ you ever asked for an autograph?)
National Procrastination Week (or maybe next week)
International Listening Awareness Month


Virtually every parent has to confront the issue of head lice at some time or another. This guy made a business out of it! 25-year-old Greg Carpenter started ‘Carpenter’s Nitpickers’ last year in Wichita KS. For $35 he’ll spend up to 2 hours combing lice and their eggs (nits) out of your
kid’s hair. For another $10, he’ll treat the hair with lice shampoo. Children sent home from school with head lice can’t go back until they are ‘nitless’ and Carpenter guarantees it. So does he enjoy the work? How many cases a year? What’s the biggest misconception about lice?
PHONER 316-263-0514

“What valued possession has your spouse attempted to throw away that you’ve managed to save?” (LAST WEEK a man in Stockholm, Sweden got stuck in an apartment building garbage chute while trying to retrieve his favorite old sweater that was thrown away by his wife!)

The ‘Mystifying Psychic Burrito’ Website allows you to choose your favorite burrito, and find out what it says about your personality, your life, your past, your future!
NET: http://www.klorg.com/humor/burrito.html

• Your dog chews on his paws when he gets bored. Should you —
a) Enroll him in group therapy?
b) Make him wear mittens?
c) Dab a little oil of clove on his favorite nibble spot?
[“The Old Farmers Almanac” says oil of clove discourages nibbling dogs.]

• Do chickens go to bed early because —
a) There’s nothing on TV that chickens like?
b) They get up early?
c) Chickens can’t see at night?
[Chickens have really terrible night vision.]

• Has duck research at Indiana State University shown that sleeping ducks —
a) Snore?
b) Keep one eye open?
c) Quack in their sleep?
[Ducks on the outer edges of a group sleep with one eye open. Those in the center of the group confidently close both eyes.]

• Why do spiders never get caught in their own webs?
a) They’re extremely brainy bugs.
b) They have oily legs.
c) They have glassy feet that won’t stick to the webbing.
[Spiders have self-oiling legs.]

• If your rhino has 2 horns, you know it’s —
a) Female.
b) From India.
c) From Africa.
[Two horns=India, one horn=Africa.]

• According to research at the University of Chicago, not only do birds dream, but they dream about –
a) Other birds.
b) Worms.
c) Songs they sing during the day.
[Birds dream about their songs, have dream rehearsals, and sing the same songs better the next day.]

Two of the following are actual supermarket tabloid headlines. One is a total fake, but which?
GAME #1 –
• “Husband Kills Nagging Wife With Booby-Trapped Cat!” [“Weekly World News”]
• “Milk Hangovers Are the Worst!” [“National Examiner”]
• “Hockey Player Given Penalty For Swallowing Puck!” [FAKE]

GAME #2 —
• “Cow That’s Fed Malt Gives Milkshakes!” [FAKE]
• “Castaways Use Sumo Champ as Human Raft!” [“Weekly World News”]
• “One Angry Woman, a Sharp Knife & 13 Men Whose Lives Will Never Be the Same!” [“Weekly World News”]

GAME #3 —
• “I Mooned a Werewolf….and He Nearly Killed Me!” [“Weekly World News”]
• “Woman With 3 Legs Finds Work As Camera Tripod!” [FAKE]
• “Snoring Dad Suffocates as Tot Stuffs Crayons Up His Nose!” [“Sun”]

He who laughs last is generally a bit slow.


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