Thursday, March 29, 2001                                                     Edition: #2022

BS THINGS ANY MAN WOULD LOVE TO HEAR FROM A WOMAN . . .
• “Cool! You have a beer belly!”
• “I hope you don’t mind I’m not wearing any underwear.”
• “Tickets to the hockey game for my birthday? You are a god among men!”
• “Could our relationship be more physical? I’m tired of just being friends.”
• “Please don’t throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpits are just too cute.”
• “I’m wrong, you must be right again.”

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT Paul Simon and Elton John are among stars expected to perform at the “All-Star Tribute to Brian Wilson” at NYC’s Radio City Music Hall in a show that includes a performance of the Beach Boys’ classic “Pet Sounds” album in its entirety (all this because it’s the band’s FORTIETH anniversary) . . . Big break for Nelly Furtado — she’s opening for U2 TONIGHT in Charlotte and TOMORROW in Atlanta (“I’m like a bird — y’all”) . . . Michael Jackson’s interior decorator has leaked the exciting news that the weirdo keeps a ‘family’ of 17 life-sized, fully-dressed mannequins in his bedroom for company (and spare parts) . . . SClub7 and former Spice Girls manager Simon Fuller is cooking up a TV show for solo singers called “Pop Idols” (“Popstars”-lite), where the winner will be fast-tracked to stardom with a recording deal (he needs a new act — S Club was busted and Spice Girls busted up) . . . Word is Britney Spears dropped ‘N Sync boyfriend Justin Timberlake from her new video and may be ready to dump him altogether because she doesn’t want to be pressured into marriage (ironically the video is titled “Don’t Let Me Be the Last to Know”).

THEY’RE CALLED CALVIN KLEINS:
FDA scientists report that they have identified genes that may be causing girls to enter puberty at an unusually young age. (Britney Spears must have them — she grew huge boobs overnight!)

OLD SMOKEY:
Scientists at St John’s Institute of Dermatology in London believe they’ve discovered why smokers look prematurely old. They think smoking switches on a gene that destroys collagen, the protein that gives skin its elasticity, which causes skin to become saggy, lined and wrinkled. (Still, compared to your lungs, your face looks pretty good!)

CURRYING FAVOR:
Next time you call a toll-free number and reach a call center you may end up talking to someone 8,000 miles away — in India! A growing number of major corporations like GE have established call centers there, but you’ll never know — Indian customer service reps are trained to speak perfect unaccented English and adopt Westernized names. (“Excuse me, did I hear mooing in the background?”)

FANTASTIC PLASTIC:
First there was the credit card, then the bank debit card and soon the ‘smart card’. The new hi-tech card will replace most other cards in your wallet by performing multiple functions, and because it’s embedded with microchips, it will actually ‘learn’ and store info about you. (Just what you need — a smartass hunk of plastic nagging, “You can’t afford that, Dave.”)

THE BULL SHEET 03.29.01

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1943    [58] Eric Idle, South Shields ENG, film actor (“102 Dalmatians”, “South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut”)/TV actor (ex-“Monty Python’s Flying Circus”)
1944    [57] Terry Jacks, Winnipeg MB, oldies singer (“Seasons In The Sun”–worst song of all-time?)
1964    [37] Elle Macpherson (Eleanor Gow), Sydney AUS, model/movie actress (“Batman & Robin”)
1967     [34] John Popper, Cleveland OH, rock singer (Blues Traveler -“Run-Around”, “Hook”)
1968     [33] Lucy Lawless (Ryan), Mount Albert NZ, TV actress (“Xena: Warrior Princess”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Mom & Pop Business Owners Day”, honoring family-run small-time business operations (like Wal-Mart, CanWest Global . . .).

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1848    [153] 1st time in recorded history Niagara Falls stops flowing, due to ice jam (the flow of the Falls is now controlled to prevent erosion, and is shut down to 50% each night)
1867    [134] British North America Act 1st establishes ‘Dominion of Canada’
1886     [115] Atlanta’s John S Pemberton mixes 1st batch of Coca-Cola, originally as hangover cure     and stomach ache/headache remedy
1998    [03] Shania Twain kicks off 1st Canadian headlining tour in Sudbury ON
2000    [01] MLB season opens outside North America for the 1st time as Chicago Cubs play NY Mets in Tokyo (this season opens SUNDAY with Texas vs Toronto in San Juan, Puerto Rico)

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1987    [14] Largest-ever indoor sports promotion as Hulk Hogan defeats Andre the Giant before 93,136 fans at “Wrestlemania III” in Pontiac Silverdome (2.5 million watch on pay-per-view)
1996    [05] Vancouver Grizzlies break NBA record with 21st consecutive loss

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sun] Daylight Saving Time begins
[Apr 13] Friday the 13th
[Apr 20-22] Summit of the Americas (Quebec City)
[Apr 30] Canadian Income Tax deadline
[May 3] “Survivor II” finale
National Sleep Awareness Week
National Peanut Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
TRUTH OR BS?

• In terms of area, North Bay is Canada’s largest city. (BS. That honor goes to Edmonton, at 9,533 sq km or 3,681 sq mi.)
• ‘Four’ is the only number that has the same number of letters in its name as its meaning. (True.)
• Scientist Lou Pearlman is known as the ‘father of cloning’. (BS. Lou Pearlman is the guy who created Backstreet Boys and ‘N Sync in a blimp hangar in Orlando and watched his creations go on to generate more than $2 billion in sales. On the other hand — maybe it’s true.)
• In German, ‘pumpernickel’ means ‘devil fart’. (True. It’s a combination of the German verb ‘pumpern’ [to break wind] and the noun ‘nickel’ [demon] and likely inspired by the heavy bread’s indigestibility.)
• Of all dog breeds, the one that bites the least is the Golden Retriever. (True, but they can lick you to death.)

BS TAG LINE: The cow is a machine which makes grass fit for people to eat.

 


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