Wednesday, March 14, 2001                                                  Edition: #2011

TODAY is the 40th birthday of the ‘Ken’ (Carson) doll, Barbie’s neutered boy-toy who first hit the market on this date in 1961. Barbie’s longtime boyfriend measures 11½ inches — tall — and is named after the son of Barbie doll inventors Ruth & Elliott Handler. His ’careers’ have included beach bum, actor, doctor, impersonator, soda jerk, rock star, body builder (obviously can’t keep a job). While there have been approximately 190 different versions of Ken, about 8 Barbies are made for each Ken (nice odds, dude!) He likely has ‘plastic envy’ — a vintage 1st issue 1961 Ken doll is now worth only about $50.
KEN’S BS PET PEEVES:
• Getting bored with 40-year contest with Barbie to see who blinks first.
• That time after sex when she said, “You ain’t exactly Stretch Armstrong.”
• She wants the kids raised as dolls, he wants them raised as action figures.
• 7-year-olds who dress him in Barbie’s stupid ‘Ice Princess’ outfit.
• Wouldn’t it be nice just once to have a woman with bendable elbows?
• Just found out he hasn’t been dating Barbie, but GI Joe in drag.

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Rolling Stones Keith Richards and Charlie Watts will make a future guest appearance on “The Sopranos”, likely playing a pair of old-school British hoods (or perhaps mob corpses) . . . Slightly talented former “Playboy” Playmate Jenny McCarthy is in talks to star in “Honey Vicarro”, a FOX-TV pilot about a sexy ‘60s crime-fighting PI (if this show flops, that’s strike 3!) . . . Thanks to a 24-hour Webcam, Channel 5 viewers in the UK are following the entire (brief) life of a gerbil during commercial breaks (this is like “The Truman Show”, only with a budget of $3) . . . Glenn Hughes, the leather-clad, mustachioed ‘biker’ from the Village People has died at age 50 from an undisclosed illness (“It’s no fun to be D-E-A-D . . .”) . . . Eminem action figures are coming, available in ‘Slim Shady’, ‘Eminem’ and ‘Marshall Mathers’ versions, complete with hockey mask, chainsaw and all his tattoos (fat duet partner sold separately).

21ST CENTURY TERMINOLOGY:
• ‘IPT’ (Internet Protocol Telephony) — The low cost alternative to long distance that’s projected to account for 40% of all international phone calls by 2004. The technology has the ability to integrate voice, data, and video. (Thus eliminating the need for the question, “So what are your wearing?”)
• ‘Orthorexia Nervosa’ — People who are obsessed about avoiding all processed food and tap water. A term coined by Dr Steven Bratman in the new issue of “Harper’s Bazaar”.

DRINK AND GROW RICH:
A new Roper poll reveals that wine drinkers are more successful than teetotalers. Frequent wine drinkers earn an average $67,000 a year, occasional wine drinkers about $40,000, and those who don’t partake a little over $30,000. (Which came first, the money or the wine list?)

BUT I ALREADY DRIVE A JUNKER:
Swiss manufacturer Rinspeed has just unveiled the ‘Advantige R1′ sports car that runs on — household waste. The energy from 100 kg of garbage powers the vehicle for 100Ks. (But man, wait till you get a whiff of that exhaust!)

THE BULL SHEET 03.14.01

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1920    [81] Hank Ketcham, Seattle WA, comic strip cartoonist (“Dennis the Menace”, celebrating its 50th anniversary)
1933     [68] Quincy Jones, Chicago IL, pop/jazz artist/producer/composer with 25 Grammy Awards
1933    [68] Sir Michael Caine (Maurice Micklewhite), London ENG, film actor (2 Oscars-“The Cider House Rules”, “Hannah & Her Sisters”)
1947    [54] Billy Crystal, Long Beach NY, movie actor (“Analyze This”, “When Harry Met Sally”)/frequent Oscar host, but not this year NEXT FILM: “America’s Sweethearts” in JULY
1958    [43] Prince Albert (Albert Alexandre Louis Pierre de Matignon-Grimaldi), Monte Carlo MON, rich guy/son of Prince Rainier III/heir to the throne of Monaco
1968    [33] Megan Follows, Toronto ON, TV actress (2 Gemini Awards-“Anne of Green Gables”, “Anne Of Avonlea”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• TODAY is “Save a Spider Day”, a day to appreciate arachnids and the webs they weave.
• TODAY is “National Potato Chip Day”, honoring North America’s favorite snack food.
• TODAY is “National Pi Day” (3.14 . . . get it?)
• TODAY is “National Single Fathers Who Are Not Leeches on Society Day”, to honor all fathers who take responsibility for their children.
• TODAY the NCAA basketball tournament, or “March Madness” begins (NET: http://www.finalfour.net/)

One of the world’s weirdest golf tournaments, the annual “Bering Sea Ice Golf Classic”, tees off SATURDAY in Nome, Alaska. Participants attempt to sink bright orange balls into flagged coffee cans  sunk into the frozen sea on a 6 hole course. Par is 41. Entry fee includes golf balls, tees (old shotgun shells), snake bite remedies (small bottles of vodka) and an official certificate proving you survived. You must use a caddie, “preferably a sled dog with a taste for Budweiser”.
PHONER: 907-443-6624

ON THIS DAY . . .
2000    Shania Twain’s “Come On Over” album certified for sales of 17 million units

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1860    [141] 1st ‘baseball cap’ designed (the next day, the 1st baseball cap is worn backwards)
1923     [78] 1st pro hockey ‘play-by-play’ broadcast (Peter Parker-Edmonton vs Regina)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Absolutely Incredible Kid Day (tell your kids how great they are!)
[Sun] World Figure Skating Championships begin (Vancouver)
Pediatric Nurse Practitioner Week
Poison Prevention Awareness Month (avoid the coffee machine in the station canteen)

BULL’S BITS . . .
TRUTH OR BS?

• The official emblem of Ireland is the shamrock. (BS, it’s the harp.)
• ‘Donald Duck’ was once banned in Finland because he doesn’t wear pants. (True! Sharon Stone too?)
• Turtles can breathe through their shells. (BS, but — no BS — they can through their butts!)
• The King of Hearts is the only king in a standard deck of cards without a moustache. (True!)
• Humans share a third of their DNA with lettuce. (True! You’ve got a real head on your shoulders!)

BS TAG LINE: It’s not the pace of life that concerns me. It’s the sudden stop at the end.

 


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