Thursday, March 8, 2001                                                        Edition: #2007

• What’s the Cuban national anthem? [“Row, row, row your boat . . .”]
• How do you know when you’re really ugly? [Your dog humps your leg with its eyes closed.]
• Why did God create alcohol? [So ugly people could have sex too.]
• Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? [Mace will do that to you.]
• What does it mean when the flag at the post office is flying at half-mast? [They’re hiring.]
• What’s the best form of birth control after 50? [Nudity.]
• What is the biggest problem for an atheist? [No one to talk to during orgasm.]

Psychic spoon-bender Uri Geller spent an hour running his hands over his Best Man Michael Jackson’s broken foot hoping to heal it in time for YESTERDAY’s wedding in England, but finally admitted defeat (somehow these two weirdos deserve each other) . . . The FBI has confirmed its investigating a bizarre plot to kidnap actor Russell Crowe, who’s apparently been under protection from undercover agents during his recent travels (as of today, Meg Ryan remains on the loose) . . . 19-year-old tennis babe Anna Kournikova is reportedly desperate to sell her $4-million Miami home due to the frosty break-up of her engagement with her next-door neighbor, Florida Panthers hockey star Pavel Bure, and her new relationship with Sergei  Federov of the Detroit Red Wings (rumor has it a lot of rubber has passed her crease).

Director Ang Lee is developing a prequel to ‘Best Picture’ Oscar-nominee “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” (‘Crouching Kitty, Hidden Lizard’?) . . . Word is ‘N   Sync’s Lance Bass, who’s producing and starring in the movie “On the L”, set to shoot in Toronto, has blocked a plan by studio execs to give Backstreet Boy‘s Kevin Richardson a plum role (the ‘N Sync/BSB feud just kicked up a notch) . . . The film-making Farelly Bros (“There’s Something About Mary”, “Dumb & Dumber”) say their upcoming movie about the Three Stooges will take place in present day, with “no explanation, no being their grandsons, no coming back in time from the past” (who do you think should play Curly?) . . .  Looks like that “Basic Instinct” sequel just won’t die, with Julia Roberts’ steady hunk Benjamin Bratt now looking at co-starring, pending Sharon Stone’s approval (who hasn’t had a hit since God was a boy).

• “Men’s Health” magazine reports that research is underway into methods of reversing tooth decay. Scientists with the American Dental Association are currently developing gum, toothpaste and even candy that will enable cavities to heal on their own, and expect them to be on the market in about 5 years.  (Wow, the average dentist’s income could dip below a million.)
• The science journal “Nature” reports that a University of Manchester study of the sex life of the Tanzanian cockroach has concluded that female cockroaches prefer weaker partners because they like gentle sex. Seems stronger male cockroaches are too aggressive and often injure their partners. (They also discovered that most female cockroaches like to cuddle afterwards.)


1961    [40] Camryn Manheim, Peoria IL, TV actress (1998 Emmy Award as Ellenor Frutt-“The Practice”)/expecting a baby boy in APRIL (no father disclosed — David Crosby?)
1964    [37] Cheryl “Salt” Jones, NYC, hip-hop artist (Salt ‘n Pepa-“Push It”, “Shoop”)
1976    [25] Freddie Prinze Jr, Albuquerque NM, movie actor (“She’s All That”, “I [Still] Know What You Did Last Summer”) NEXT FILM: Co-stars in the bigscreen version of the cartoon “Scooby-Doo” with his girlfriend Sarah Michelle Gellar
1977    [24] James Van Der Beek, Cheshire CT, TV actor (Dawson Leery-“Dawson’s Creek”)/film     actor (“Varsity Blues”) NEXT FILM The Western, “Texas Rangers”, opening APRIL 6
1978    [23] Kameelah Williams, hip-hop singer (702-“Where My Girls At?”)
1984    [17] Bob, Clint & Dave Moffatt, Victoria BC, pop singers (The Moffatts-“Bang Bang Boom”, “Until You Loved Me”)

TODAY is “International Women’s Day”, kicking off “Universal Women’s Week”,which honors all women, especially working women. It was first proclaimed at a 1910 women’s conference in Helsinki, Finland by activist Clara Zetkin. The observance has since been endorsed by the UN and is a national holiday in China & Russia, where female workers are presented with flowers and gifts. It’s also celebrated as “Uppity Women’s Day”, celebrating the ability to be one’s self no matter what, and encouraging women to pass on stories of ‘sheroes’, women who led lives out of the ordinary. This year’s IWD theme in Canada is – “Canadian Women: Raising Our Diverse Voices for Positive Change!” Alrighty then.  NET:

1999    [02] NY Yankee immortal Joe DiMaggio dies at 84 (“Where have you gone . . .”)

1971    [30] Smokin’ Joe Frazier becomes 1st to beat undefeated heavyweight champ Muhammad Ali in what’s called ‘The Fight of the Century’. Both earn $2.5 million, paltry by today’s standards.  The two have managed to avoid meeting since , even when attending the same events. Frazier attempted to reconcile their differences prior to today’s 30th anniversary, but Ali hasn’t responded. The long feud may continue with the next generation – their daughters, Laila Ali and Jacqui-Lyde Frazier, are both undefeated in the International Women’s Boxing Federation.
1990    [11] 1st Canadian to defend World Figure Skating title (Kurt Browning, in Halifax)
1993    [08] Animator Mike Judge creates “Beavis & Butt-head” for MTV (Heh, heh, heh)
1999    [02] 1st ‘live plastic surgery’ on the Internet (on comedian John Byner)

[Sat] Life In The Cracks Day (for people who keep falling through them)
[Sun] Worship of Tools Day (service conducted by Rev Tim Allen)
Save Your Vision Week (what I’m always told when I have a great idea in a meeting)
Youth Art Month (look for an exhibition on a fridge near you!)


The average glass of tap water has passed through 9 other people. And lord knows how many different lungs that air you’re breathing has been in!

BS TAG LINE: Studies show most people who own running shoes don’t.

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