Monday, March 20, 2000                                             Edition:  #1767

Spring officially arrived this morning at 2:35am EST, so here’s a look at . . .
BS WAYS SPRING IS CELEBRATED:
• Moscow — Russians get out of mile-long line for firewood, get into mile-long line for umbrellas.
• Toronto — For the 33rd March in-a-row, Leaf fans hope, “Maybe THIS is the year.”
• Jakarta — Child-Labor Factory #4 switches from making Kathy Lee scarves to Nike running shoes.
• Winnipeg — Locals take their seersucker parkas out of storage.
• Vienna — New right wing government orders the flowers to bloom.
• Calgary – Furnace repairman’s bum crack gets sunburned.
• Atlanta – John Rocker throws out first racial slur of the season.
• Montreal — Expos mathematically eliminated from pennant race.
• London — Swimsuit issue of “Soccer Hooligan Illustrated” hits news-stands.
• Edmonton — Screams of women experiencing bathing suit shock heard throughout mall.
• Daytona Beach — Co-eds return for trial of guy who assaulted them during Spring Break.
• Ottawa – The sap is running — for a third term.

BS TABLOID TRASH:
• See “Erin Brockovich” at the movies over the weekend and wonder how Julia Roberts achieved the new ‘architecture’? According to “National Enquirer”, her chesty new look is thanks to makeup shadowing that makes her cleavage look deeper, a state-of-the-art push-up bra, and lots of — masking tape. (Not to mention computer enhancements using superimposed cow parts.)
• “E! Online” reports that there’s a $50,000 reward for the return of those 55 Oscar statuettes that are believed to have been stolen from a California shipping company’s loading dock. (It’s unlikely the money will entice Sharon Stone to return the awards she believes she so richly deserves, especially after her ballot scam went awry.)
• “NY Daily News” reports that Heather Locklear, who just joined “Spin City” this season, is having second thoughts about returning for another. (The report does not mention anything about Michael J Fox being replaced by Charlie ‘All Hands’ Sheen.)
• Former “Captain Kirk” William Shatner is apparently exercising his love muscle with a yoga instructor who’s half his 68 years. Siri Dharma tells “Globe” that, “For someone his age, he’s a very virile man!” (No wonder he keeps saying “Beam me UP!”)
• The March 27th issue of “People” magazine reports that Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr have been getting amorous in public. In once instance, the “I Know What You Did Last Summer” co-stars reportedly shared sake and salmon tartar at a restaurant, and then a lengthy kiss. (After which they both gagged from fish breath.)

ROOTS MUSIC:
For a study at Britain’s University of Sussex, biologists continually played Meatloaf’s “Bat Out Of Hell” in greenhouses and found that rock music seems to make many plants grow faster. Researchers say it may be due to the heat generated by a constant level of sound. (If our memory is correct, it’s been over 20 years since music by Meatloaf generated any heat!)

THE BULL SHEET 03.20.00

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1928     [72] Fred “Mr” Rogers, Latrobe PA, kid TV show host (Mr Rogers Neighborhood, since 1967)
1939     [61] Brian “The Chin” Mulroney, Baie Comeau PQ, 18th Canadian PM (1984-1993)
1948     [52] Bobby Orr, Parry Sound ON, NHL Hall of Famer (Boston)/Don Cherry’s idol
1950    [50] William Hurt, Washington DC, film actor (Michael, Broadcast News, Oscar-Kiss of the Spiderwoman)
1957     [43] Spike (Shelton) Lee, Atlanta GA, film director/actor (Summer of Sam, Malcolm X)
1958     [42] Holly Hunter, Conyers GA, movie actress (Crash, Broadcast News, Oscar-The Piano)
1969    [31] Big Bird, large-footed, ochre-feathered, oversized fowl (Sesame Street)
1971    [29] Alexander Gaberman, Katonah NY, TV actor (James Leonard Hobert III-Spin City)

BS REASONS TO PARTY  . . .
This is “International Life Day” a celebration of life without a political agenda. (A big day for Jean Chrétien, who doesn’t seem to have one.)

Tuesday in Montpelier VT they’ll air out the 25th annual “Rotten Sneaker Contest”. Contestants under 15 try for the coveted trophy. Only rule is — shoes have to stay on feet! Ask how sneakers are judged.
PHONER: 802-223-5141

ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1990    Self-titled “Alannah Myles” album released, featuring hit single “Black Velvet”
1994    Calgary’s Brett Hart wins WWF championship at “Wrestlemania X”
1997    Elvis Stojko wins World Figure Skating Championship (Lausanne SWITZ)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1954    [46] 1st ‘newspaper vending machine’
1992    [08] 1st drag racer to surpass 300 mph (Kenny Bernstein — 301.7 mph @ Gainesville FL)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] National Goof-Off Day
[Sat] Oscar-spoof Razzie Awards
[Sun] Academy Awards
[Sun] World Figure Skating Championships begin (Nice FRA)
[Sun] Make Up Your Own Holiday Day
National Bubble Week (the beginning of ‘Bubble-Blowing Season’, don’t you know)
National On-Hold Month (What’s the worst music you’ve heard while on-hold?)

BULL’S BITS . . .
PHONE STARTERS:

• “If you could destroy one CD that your significant other plays, which would it be?”
• “A new TV game show will star Jerry Springer. What should it be called?”
• “What item do you most often forget?”

BS TRIVIA:
Q: What’s more likely – winning the lottery or a woman becoming Pope?
A: The odds of getting all 7 numbers to win the jackpot in the Super 7 Lottery are an astounding 1 in 20,963,833. By comparison, the odds of a female being appointed Pope are just 1 in 1000, according to British oddsmakers.

THE LAST WORD: Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

 


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