Thursday, March 9, 2000                                             Edition:  #1760

BS THINGS YOU’LL NEVER HEAR FROM –
• Your auto mechanic — “You could get that done more cheaply at the garage down the street.”
• Your son’s preschool teacher — “Everyone misbehaved today except Michael.”
• From a store clerk — “We’re sorry we sold you defective merchandise. We’ll pick it up at your home and bring you a new one or give you a complete refund, whichever you prefer.”
• Your contractor — “Whoever worked on this before sure knew what he was doing.”
• Your dentist — “I think you’re flossing too much.”
• From a restaurant server — “I was slow and inattentive. I cannot accept any tip.”
(Ask listeners to contribute more!)

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Margaret Atwood’s “The Handmaid’s Tale” is now playing in Denmark – as an opera (and you thought you had trouble keeping your eyes open through the book and the movie!) . . . Canadian TV interviewer Pamela Wallin has launched her own Oprah-style book club called ‘Pamela’s Picks’ as part of Chapters’ Website (this week she’s no doubt recommending “The Handmaid’s Tale”) . . . Pro-marijuana magazine “High Times” has named  Kevin Spacey the first recipient of its new ‘Stony Award’, for his pot smoking in “American Beauty” (Stony Award, Spacey – a natural) . . . A replacement batch of more than 4,000 Academy Award ballots has been mailed out after the originals were ‘accidently’ mis-delivered (in related news, Sharon Stone has developed writer’s cramp) . . . “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” host Regis Philbin is sure living the lifestyle, now demanding $150,000 for a personal appearance — plus transportation by private jet.

MOVIES IN THE MAKING:
Montreal comic Norm Macdonald co-stars as a chauffeur who kidnaps a dog in Danny DeVito’s comedy “Screwed”, coming in May . . . Mike Myers will earn his first $20 million payday to play the ‘Dieter’ character in “Sprockets” . . . Now that “The Next Best Thing” is doing respectable box office, word is Madonna wants to play ‘Wonder Woman’ next (those are big cups to fill, girl).

MATTRESS MARATHON:
A contest in the front window of a store in Liverpool, England has 4 couples competing to see who can stay in bed the longest. Among other prizes, the winners get a trip to Room 1727 in Montreal’s Hotel Reine Elizabeth, where John and Yoko Lennon staged their week-long ‘Bed-In For Peace’ back in 1969. This is all purportedly to celebrate Lennon’s 60th birth anniversary this coming October 9th.

LIQUID GOLD:
Economists are now predicting that the price of gasoline will hit a buck a liter before summer. In the USA, the price is expected to top $1.80 a gallon by May or June. (So how come other products made from the world’s suddenly and mysteriously scarce crude oil aren’t going up?)

HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN:
Caress, praise, pamper, serenade, compliment, support, console, protect, phone, charm, grovel, entertain, calm, dream of, promise, snuggle, enchant, idolize, worship, die for.
HOW TO SATISFY A MAN:
Show up naked.

THE BULL SHEET 03.09.00

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1923    [77] Andre Courreges, Paris FRA, designer/the man who invented the ‘mini-skirt’
1943    [57] Charles Gibson, TV co-host (Good Morning America, with Diane Sawyer)
1960    [40] Linda Fiorentino, Philadelphia PA, film actress (What Planet Are You From?, Dogma, Men in Black)
1964     [36] Juliette Binoche, Paris FRA, film actress (The English Patient)
1964    [36] Phil Housley, St Paul MN, NHL defenceman (Calgary Flames)

BS REASONS TO PARTY  . . .
Today is “Panic Day”, when you’re encouraged to run around all day, telling people you just can’t handle it anymore. (In other words, a regular day.)

Today is “Healthy Office Day”, focusing on the many types of pollutants that effect office workers: environmental, equipment or stress-related. (Over at [your competitor], the problem is air pollution.)

Today is “Amerigo Vespucci Day” commemorating the Italian’s 1451 birth in Florence. He’s the marginally successful explorer that a European mapmaker chose as namesake for the ‘New World’ (as in ‘North Amerigo’).

ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1993    Pittsburgh Penguins begin NHL-record 17-game winning streak
1995    Elvis Stojko defends his World Figure Skating title in Birmingham, England
1997    Tragically Hip pick up 3 Juno Awards while Alanis Morissette, Shania Twain and Céline Dion are first recipients of new ‘International Achievement Award’

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1959    [41] 1st ‘Barbie’ doll marketed
1964    [36] 1st Ford ‘Mustang’ produced

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] Employee Appreciation Day
[Fri] Mario Day
National Procrastination Week
National Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Awareness Month (Strange but true — last week a British woman claimed she’d cured her chronic fatigue by drilling a hole in her own head!)

BULL’S BITS . . .
SUB CONSCIOUS:

The Subway sandwich chain hired a British psychologist to determine what the sandwich ingredients you choose reveal about your personality. Some of the poll results . . .
• Fish — The choice of true romantics. (There’s just nothing more romantic than taking your date for  a Filet o’ Fish at Mickey D’s.)
• Mayonnaise — Family-oriented with strong nesting instincts. (Too fat for the single life.)
• Roast Beef — People who tend to link love with sex. (Why they’re on the ‘meat market’.)
• Tuna — Ambitious go-getters who are constantly seeking promotion. (The little stinkers.)
• Turkey — Stable people who like job security. (Like that turkey boss you have.)
(Others they missed: Ham [choice of lousy comedians], White Bread [Reform Party favorite], Pickle [people who take chances and incur difficulty], and Pork or Baloney [pick a politician].)

THE LAST WORD: If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s intolerance.


Printer Friendly Version