Wednesday, March 1, 2000                                       Edition:  #1754

BS SIGNS YOU’RE SUFFERING FROM ROAD RAGE:
• State Farm refuses to insure your personal vehicle — because of the gun turrets.
• That throbbing vein in your forehead is big enough to honk the horn on its own.
• You keep a 7-iron in the backseat – just in case.
• You’ve developed carpal tunnel syndrome in your middle finger.
• You’ve mounted your wipers on the inside to clear the spittle.
• You swear more before you get to work than most gangsta rappers do all day.

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Canada’s ‘iCraveTV’ Internet site which was re-broadcasting TV programs without permission is shutting down to settle lawsuits from 3 TV networks, 2 sports leagues and 10 Hollywood studios (they’ve got trouble with a capital ‘T’) . . . Celine Dion is suing “National Enquirer” for $20 million, saying the tab defamed her by running an untrue story about her being pregnant with twins (apparently the “Enquirer meant to say BY twins) . . . “Hollywood Reporter” says ABC-TV and Regis Philbin are close to a deal that will pay him $20 million to continue hosting “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” IF he also continues to host “Live With Regis and Kathie Lee” . . . Meantime, Kathie Lee Gifford announced yesterday she’s leaving the show after this season because she has “other projects” in mind (completion of that frontal lobotomy, for instance) . . . Monica Lewinsky could make close to $1 million from her contract with Jenny Craig, but she has to lose 40 pounds and keep it off (only way she’ll lose 40 lbs is gambling in a British casino).

YOU GET WHAT YOU EAT:
According to research at a hospital in Belgium, you can influence the sex of your baby just by eating specific foods. The study shows a steady diet of fruits and veggies will give you a good chance of producing a bouncing baby boy. (For a girl, try sugar and spice . . .)

CD STANDS FOR COMPACT DIVORCE:
Don’t wanna pay a shyster? Now there’s ‘divorce software’ to help unhappy couples sort through the steps of breaking up a marriage. (That fell apart because one partner spent too much time on the computer.)

JUST 10 MINUTES ON DEFROST:
A doctor at Temple University has developed a technique which uses microwave energy to shrink tonsils as an alternative to removing them in a tonsillectomy. (It’s recommended you cover them with Saran Wrap so the steam doesn’t escape.)

FUNNY NEW DISEASE:
According to the new edition of the journal “Neurology”, a small tumor-like mass known as a hypothalamic hamartoma can cause patients to feel the desire to laugh. (Why this show is only #1 with hypothalamic hamartomiacs.)

EMPLOYEE POLLS:
• A survey in “Psychology Today” finds 75% of employees have either been involved in or witnessed jealousy in the workplace. (How come the boss never hits on me?)
• 21% of workers hate their boss and 41% can just tolerate him/her according to a survey in “Ladies Home Journal”. (The rest just call him ‘Uncle Fred’.)THE

BULL SHEET 03.01.00

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1944    [56] Roger Daltrey, London ENG, classic rock singer (The Who-I Can See For Miles)
1947    [53] Alan Thicke, Kirkland Lake ON, TV host/actor (Pictionary, Hope & Gloria, Growing Pains)
1954    [46] Ron Howard, Duncan OK, film director (Ransom, Apollo 13, Cocoon)
1962    [38] Bill Leen, modern rock musician (Gin Blossoms-Jealousy, Follow You Down)
1963    [37] Ron Francis, Sault Ste Marie ON, NHL center (Carolina Hurricanes)

BS REASONS TO PARTY  . . .
Today is “Stop Bad Service Day”. Wouldn’t it be nice if government offices and big companies celebrated by having real humans answer their phones for the day?

It’s “St David’s Day” in Wales, when they celebrate their patron saint by wearing a leek. (Or taking one.)

Today is “National Pig Day”, to honor the pig as the ‘most intelligent and useful of domesticated animals’. So take a porker to lunch. Just don’t order pork chops.

Today in Switzerland is “Chalanda Marz”, when costumed young people drive away the demons of winter by ringing bells and cracking whips.

ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1993    Disney announces its new expansion NHL club will be called the ‘Mighty Ducks’
1995    Sheryl Crow grabs 3 Grammys for her hit “All I Wanna Do”, including ‘Best New Artist’
1998    ”Titanic” tops movie box office 11th consecutive week, raising its take to $430 million

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1937     [63] 1st automobile license plates issued (Connecticut)
1996    [04] New toll-free area code ‘888′ is introduced (its mathematical possibilities are quickly exhausted, leading to another new toll-free code – ‘877′)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] I Want You to Be Happy Day
[Mar 12] Juno Awards
National Write A Letter of Appreciation Week
National Noodle Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
COLLECTIVELY SPEAKING
: (Source: The Collective Noun Homepage)
• A group of frogs is called an army.
• A group of rhinos is called a crash.
• A group of kangaroos is called a mob.
• A group of whales is called a pod.
• A group of geese is called a gaggle.
• A group of ravens is called a murder.
• A group of officers is called a mess.
• A group of larks is called an exaltation.
• A group of owls is called a parliament.
• A group of kittens is called a kindle.

THE LAST WORD: I’m having an out of money experience.


Printer Friendly Version