Wednesday, March 4, 2009        Edition: #3967
Sheet Happens!


Fresh from his ‘Best Actor’ Oscar for his performance as Harvey Milk, actor Sean Penn is pushing California to officially recognize the late gay politician’s birthday (May 22) as a ‘day of significance’ (the same proposal got shot down last year) . . . Actress Rosario Dawson (“Seven Ponds”, “Sin City”) tells the “NY Times” that as a child her  6-ft-tall amazon mother would discipline her by licking her, either on the side of the face or in the armpit (is this corporal punishment or just kinky?) . . . Sharon Osbourne is being sued for battery by “Rock of Love: Charm School” (VH1) contestant Megan Hauserman (turns out pulling hair & scratching someone on a reality show has more consequences than just improved ratings) . . . NBC-TV’s “ER” keeps packing in stars for its series finalé (April 2); the latest to sign up is former “Gilmore Girl” Alexis Bledel, who’ll play a new intern (it’s ‘The Sisterhood Of the Traveling Scrubs’) . . . ABC-TV’s “Life On Mars” has been canceled but the writers promise to tie up the story at the end of the season so viewers won’t keep puzzling over whether ‘Sam Tyler’ is crazy or just stuck in a fantastical coma (these days you blink and you miss an entire TV series!) . . . “National Enquirer” is reporting that Drew Barrymore has advised her “He’s Just Not That Into You“ co-star Jennifer Aniston to dump John Mayer because ‘she can do better’ (Drew’s 34 and single) . . . And the producers of “24“ (FOX) have announced they’ve made the show the first ‘carbon neutral’ TV production by monitoring carbon dioxide output, using biodiesel, and installing motion detectors on off-set lighting (look for exciting bicycle chases in future episodes).


• “American Idol” (ABC/CTV) – In a results edition, 3 finalists are selected from the final pool of 12 performers and 9 are eliminated. (Some may make it back on tomorrow’s wild card show.)
• “America’s Next Top Model” (CW) – In the 12th season debut, Tyra Banks selects the 13 final contestants who will move to a loft in NYC. (Cattiest show on TV?)
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CTV) – The Fray perform “You Found Me”.
• Jamey Johnson – The “High Cost of Living” singer is playing a lunchtime concert outdoors in downtown Nashville TN. One reason for the free show … the “Country Radio Seminar”, now on.


• Britney Spears – She’ll be appearing in new ads for one of her “Circus” tour sponsors, Candies shoes. (A bit ironic considering she’s showed up at mini-marts and gas stations the last few years not wearing any shoes.)
• Flaming Lips – “Do You Realize?” has just been named the official rock song of the state of Oklahoma. (What should our official rock song be here?)
• Motley Crue – They’ll perform the “Dr Feelgood” album in it’s entirety during their upcoming “We Are White Trash” tour. It’s the 20th anniversary of the band’s most successful album.
• Oasis – Noel Gallagher says he’s hoping the current global financial crisis gets worse because the band produces its best work during times of economic strife. (Gee, glad we can help.)
• Prince – He’s releasing a 3-disc set through Target (online and in-stores) beginning March 29th. The package includes 2 new albums, “LOtUSFLOW3R” and “MPLSoUND”, and a bonus disc by new artist Bria Valente. (Recession pricing will be just under $12 … 4 bucks a disc.)
• U2 – Complete info on their upcoming tour is coming on Monday. And “NY Times” reports that a companion album to the just-released “No Line On the Horizon” may be coming later this year. Comprised of material drawn from the same recording sessions, the as-yet-untitled album will have a ‘more meditative and processional tone’. (They might call it ‘Leftovers’?)

Still searching for a diet that might work? Try this: Eat fewer calories each day than your body needs. Sound too simple? Well, that’s the conclusion of the latest research by the National Heart, Lung & Blood Institute which compared low-fat, low-carb, and high-protein diets to each other and concluded that none of them are any more or less effective than any other diet. All that matters, the researchers have decided, is that you consume less calories than you use … , no matter what you eat. (Ingenious!)
– AP


We get fat because, well – we eat too much. Some recommended food portions according to Columbia University nutritionist Christine Senft …
• The recommended serving of meat, whether it’s beef, chicken or pork, is 3 ounces … the size of a deck of cards.
• The recommended serving of cheese is 1 ounce … the size of a thumb tip.
• The recommended serving of pasta is … the size of a tennis ball.
– “Globe & Mail”


New cutting-edge vocab …
• ‘Flashpacker’ – A backpacker who travels in style. European hostels now offer cool upmarket accommodations at bargain prices for trekkers with a taste for the good stuff. (This has more to do with well-off folks traveling on the cheap during the economic slump than backpackers upgrading.)
• ‘Niche Dating’ – Online dating that narrows down prospects according to religion, ethnicity, sexual orientation, or other subgroups. Traffic at niche dating sites is steadily increasing while regular matchmaking sites remain static. (“I finally found a date for the prom …. I matched up at the Gay Korean Presbyterian website.”)
• ‘Self-Tracker’ – A person who uses websites or other technologies to meticulously track various aspects of his or her body, mental state, and activities. (“I’ve made the top 1,000 sales professionals list online thanks to my below average heart-rate, a happiness quotient in the top 2 percentile, and well-documented community involvement.”)

The new Grand View Topless Coffee Shop in Vassalboro, Maine is doing brisk business since opening a couple of weeks back. Both its waiters and waitresses serve customers topless. And lost were willing to … some 150 applicants applied for the 10 positions. Owner Donald Crabtree says the reason for the success his simple: People like nudity; coffee is profitable. (Don’t spill!)

Ireland’s budget airline Ryanair has disclosed that it’s considering charging people to use the facilities in aircraft. The airline’s PR manager says it’s not likely to happen in the foreseeable future, but likely will someday. The airline’s CEO Michael O’Leary first suggested the idea of installing a coin slot on all restroom doors. (So you can euro-nate.)
– BBC News

The foreign equivalent to some common English expressions …
• We say “Save your breath” when we want someone to stop talking, while in France they say “Save your saliva.”
• The Chinese equivalent of “You’re in over your head” is “You’re a baby with a runny nose who became emperor.”
• We say “Once in a blue moon”; Italians say “Every death of a pope.”
• “Thanks for nothing!” in Yiddish is expressed as “Many thanks in your belly button!”
• We say “Go fly a kite!” while the Spanish say “Go fry asparagus!”
• In the Hawaiian language “It’s nothing to lose sleep over” becomes “It’s a heap of relish made of octopus liver.”
– “Encyclopedia of Bilingualism & Bilingual Education” by Colin Baker & Sylvia Prys Jones


The ‘Q Score’ measures 2 facets of stardom: familiarity and like-ability. Here’s a new ranking of some of the least-liked celebs, people we’re very familiar with but have trouble liking …
• Pouty former Spice Girl Victoria Beckham.
• Singer-turned-alleged girlfriend abuser Chris Brown.
• Hair-trigger model Naomi Campbell.
• Demanding “Vogue” editor Anna Wintour.
• Egomaniac rapper Kanye West.
• Vacuous famous person Paris Hilton.
• Self-promoting entrepreneur Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs.
So who would you rank as ‘most slap-able’?


Close to 2,000 thunderstorms are going on around-the-world at this very moment. Lightning generated by those storms will strike 6,000 different spots on Earth in the next minute. (Another excuse to stay in bed this morning.)

• “I love my daughter with whatever road she takes. I’m behind her win or lose, I will be supportive.”
– Rihanna’s father Ronald Fenty in “Us Magazine”, talking about her reunion with Chris Brown.
• “Everyone wants them to take a break, to cool off. No one wants them back together. I’m concerned. I don’t want her to make a mistake; I don’t want her to ever go through this again.”
– Another relative of Rihanna in “People” magazine.


1954 [55] Catherine O’Hara, Toronto ON, movie actress (“Best In Show”, “Home Alone”)/former TV comedian (“SCTV” 1976-81)/Canada’s Walk of Fame (2007)  COMING UP: “Where the Wild Things Are”, opening in October.

1958 [51] Patricia Heaton, Bay Village OH, TV actress (“Back to You” 2007-08, “Everybody Loves Raymond” 1996-2005)  UP NEXT: The family comedy pilot “The Middle”.

1963 [46] Jason Newsted, Battle Creek MI, rock bassist (Vovoid 2002-08, Rock Star Supernova 2006, Metallica 1986-2001)

1977 [32] Jeremiah Green, Oahu HI, rock drummer (Modest Mouse-“Dashboard”, “Float On”)

1985 [24] Whitney Port, LA CA, TV personality (“The City” since 2008, ex-“The Hills”)

• “Hug a GI Day”, a salute to all military personnel, some of America’s most overworked and underappreciated people.

• March 4th … so march forth! (SFX: march music)

• “National Grammar Day”, a day to celebrate clean, correct sentences and shun ungrammatical writing. Sponsored by the Society For the Promotion of Good Grammar and MSN Encarta.

• “Poundcake Day”, honoring the hearty dessert that sits in your stomach like a bowling ball. (Coincidently, tomorrow is ‘Pound Salt Day’.)

• “Scrapbooking Day”, honoring the hobby that’s experienced a huge surge in popularity. More than just saving mementoes, modern scrapbooking involves sorting, cropping, pasting, and writing captions for chosen pictures. Professional ‘scrapbooking kits’ are now hot sellers.

1989 [20] Time Inc & Warner Communications announce a merger that forms world’s largest media & entertainment conglomerate, Time-Warner

1994 [15] Canadian actor John Candy dies of heart failure at age 43 while filming “Wagons East” in Mexico

1877 [132] The 1st ‘microphone’ is developed (thanks to Emile Berliner, you have a job!)

1902 [107] ‘Triple-A’, the ‘American Automobile Association’, is founded

1943 [66] Actress Greer Garson takes 5.5 minutes to accept her Academy Award for “Mrs Miniver”, considered an Oscar acceptance speech record (a tedious total that becomes more and more exaggerated over the years)

[Thurs] Multiple Personalities Day
[Fri] Frozen Food Day
[Fri] “Watchmen” opens in movie theaters
[Fri] Salesperson Day
[Sat] Stop Bad Service Day
[Sun] International Women’s Day
[Sun] Daylight Saving Time begins (North America)
This Week Is … Poison Prevention Week
This Month Is … Humorists are Artists Month


• “Things You Can Burn to Keep Warm That Won’t Kill You With Toxic Fumes”
• “Retirement In Your 90s Isn’t All That Bad”
• “Polishing Apples: A How-To”
• “More Reasons to Hate Rich People”
• “Dealing With Grief After Eating Your Cat”
• “Having a Job Is Overrated“
• “101 Recipes For Shoes”
– Adapted from


You run down the list while your guest/phone caller/crew member decides which choice is more palatable. Would you rather …
• Assist in the delivery of a baby elephant OR assist in the delivery of a baby human?
• Always have a little piece of spinach stuck in your teeth OR always have a little booger in your nose that moves when you breathe?
• Eat 2 roasted city pigeons OR eat 1 roasted city squirrel?
• Have a severe flatulence problem (every 3 minutes) OR not be able to file, bite, or clip your fingernails?
• Have someone comment that you should try liposuction OR have someone comment that your wig ‘just doesn’t work’ when you’re not wearing one?
• Hold a burning lightbulb in your hand for 1 minute OR slide on your bare butt on 3 feet of splintery plywood?
• Be forced to take one hit of LSD OR be injected with a strain of 35-day flu?
• Know exactly when, but not how you are going to die OR    know exactly how, but not when?
• Have a firecracker blow up in your mouth OR drill a small hole in your own forehead?
• Live next to a train track that runs several times throughout the night OR live next to a construction site that starts up at 5:30 am every morning, 7 days a week?

Scientists say we only use 10% of our brains. Imagine how much better the world would be if we started using the other 60%!

Which yields the most beverage?
a. A pound of ground coffee.
b. A pound of tea.
c. A pound of beer.
[A pound of tea yields 200 cups. A pound of ground coffee will give you about 50 cups. A pound of beer is about a bottle and a half … perhaps 5 cups.]

Every house needs a junk drawer for unwanted business cards and pennies wedged in gum. What else is in yours that’s unusual?


Today’s Question: According to a survey, THIS is the most annoying thing that neighbors do.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Park in front of your house.


Integrity has no need of rules.

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