Thursday, March 5, 2009       Edition: #3968
Sheet Happens!

Yesterday more than 100,000 tickets for the March 14th  “Sound Relief” concerts in Melbourne & Sydney were sold, thereby raising circa $7.5 million AUS for bushfire & flood relief (only about 30,000 duckets are left for the dual shows that will feature Coldplay, Midnight Oil, Kings of Leon, and others) . . . Disney has announced “High School Musical 4“ will premiere on the Disney Channel in 2010, the new incarnation of the goldmine franchise featuring an all new cast since the old one has already ‘graduated’ (why not have them flunk out and return in “High School Musical: Victory Lap”?) . . . “Fool’s Gold” movie actor Matthew McConaughey has just co-produced his first music album, “Above the Bones”, by Nova Scotia-based reggae artist Mishka and he’s releasing it on his own label, JK Livin’ Productions (word has it he’s as good a producer as he is an actor) . . . “American Idol” judge Paula Abdul is being sued for $25,000-plus by a woman who alleges she tripped and fell on Paula’s ‘dangerous & defective’ sidewalk during taping of the short-lived reality TV series “Hey Paula” (c’mon lady, take responsibility for your own clumsiness!) . . . 57-year-old actor/comedian Robin Williams is under medical observation and ordered to rest for a week after complaining of shortness of breath, causing the cancellation of 4 Florida shows during his 80-city comedy tour (if you’re short of breath, try talking slower) . . . Actors George Clooney & Megan Fox are the famous folks we’d ‘Most Like to Party With’, according to a new online poll (does they mean party with or ‘PARTY WITH’?) . . . 40-year-old actress Jennifer Aniston is vowing to avoid Botox treatments in future following a bad experience with the face-freeze (that’s her excuse for not moving her face in movies?) . . . And “The Hills” star Lauren Conrad has written a ‘novel’ that’s actually getting published, which revolves around a 19-year-old girl who moves to Los Angeles and is suddenly thrust into the spotlight on her own TV reality show (what’s this potential Nobel-winner called – “My Diary”?).


• “American Idol” (FOX/CTV) – It’s a special Judges’ Wild Card episode in which favorite contestants who had been dropped compete for a position in the next round of the competition.
• Chris Brown – He’s due to be arraigned in Los Angeles Superior Court on suspicion of making criminal threats relating to the infamous incident with Rihanna February 8.
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Rapper/actor Ludacris is a guest.
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – U2 performs for a 4th night in-a-row. They’ve just announced “U2 3 Nights Live”, a radio broadcast on 3 consecutive nights (next Monday-Wednesday) from LA, Chicago, and Boston.
• Michael Jackson – He’s expected at a press conference in London’s O2 Arena to make a ‘special announcement’, likely to do with a series of comeback concerts. The 50-year-old last appeared at the “World Music Awards” in London in 2006, but that much-hyped appearance was a critical flop after he sang only a few lines of “We Are The World”.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Aging Welsh crooner Tom Jones is onstage.

• The Beatles – Their hometown Liverpool already has a Beatles Museum, a Beatles-themed hotel, and an airport named after John Lennon. Now Liverpool Hope University has announced a new graduate program called “The Beatles, Popular Music & Society”. (Now you can get an MA in ‘Fab Four’.)
• Bon Jovi – They’ll mark their 25th anniversary this Fall with the publication of the book, “Bon Jovi: When We Were Beautiful”, featuring stories from the band and previously unpublished photos. A same-titled film documentary is also being released.
• Natalie Imbruglia – Her new album “Come to Life”, scheduled for release later this year, features a songwriting credit for her ex-, Silverchair frontman Daniel Johns. The two, who were married from 2003-08, are apparently still making music at least.
• No Doubt – Fans purchasing top level tickets online for most dates on their upcoming Summer tour will receive a free download of the band’s entire digital audio catalogue, more than 80 tracks from 7 studio albums.


A BS sampling of movies in the making …
• “Amazon” – Scarlett Johansson is expected to star in this story of a female gladiator in 200 BC who takes on the might of an army after her homeland is destroyed. Although she’s dealt with guns and fight scenes in previous bigscreen adventures, she says she’s apprehensive about trying to transform into a tough-girl action star. The film’s due in 2010.
• “The Fiancé” – The next role for “Bride Wars” actress Anne Hathaway revisits some familiar territory: She’ll play a woman who parts ways with the man of her dreams. Last year, she split with real-life boyfriend, Raffaello Follieri, after he was imprisoned for fraud. In the new film, her character cancels her wedding and embarks on singledom in hopes of re-discovering herself.
• “Five Killers” – Ashton Kutcher (“What Happens in Vegas”) &  Katherine Heigl (“27 Dresses”) co-star in this thriller about a couple whose life is turned upside down when they discover their neighbors may be assassins hired to kill them (is it “Mr & Mrs Smith” next door?). The movie is scheduled to be shot in Atlanta GA and France.
• “Inception” – Leonardo DiCaprio is set to star in this sci-fi action film directed by Christopher Nolan (“The Dark Knight”, “Batman Begins”). Nolan also wrote the screenplay, described as a contemporary sci-fi action story set within ‘the architecture of the mind’ (meaning no expensive shoots in exotic locations?). The goal is to begin production this Summer for a 2010 release.
• “Robin Hood” – Sienna Miller has been replaced by Oscar-winner Cate Blanchett as the female lead ‘Maid Marian’ in director Ridley Scott’s new take on the Sherwood Forest legend (something to do with ‘acting chops’ perhaps?). Russell Crowe will play both ‘Robin’ and the ‘Sheriff of Nottingham’ when filming begins this April for a scheduled 2010 release.


A seemingly ludicrous plan to stop global warming by surrounding Earth with tiny mirrors to reflect the Sun’s rays is still being advanced by  University of Arizona astronomer Roger Angel. He’s spearheading an estimated $350-trillion project which would shoot mirrors a million miles above Earth in order to create a ‘sun shade’ around the planet. Amazingly, he’s already secured funding from NASA for a pilot project which will begin with the creation of a massive cannon to shoot mirrors into space. Angel predicts the project will be ready to launch within … 20 or 30 years. (By which time he’ll have spent all the grant money on beer.)
PHONER: 520-621-6541
– “Curious Times”

Dr Jeff Steinberg, a physician who runs The Fertility Institutes in NYC and LA says that, within 6 months, he plans to let potential parents choose many of their babies’ features. He claims that traits such as eye, hair, and skin color will soon be simply a matter of consumer choice. Steinberg was one of the innovators of the ‘test tube baby’ in the 1970s. He admits the new technology is not 100% perfect, and expects parents with Scandinavian heritage will have the best results. Critics say Steinberg’s plan could lead to babies being turned into commodities that you buy off the shelf. (“Get a coupon for Huggies with every purchase!”)
PHONER: 800.222.2802/ 818.728.4600
– BBC News

New research by the Harvard Study of Adult Development has found that those of us who suppress frustration are at least 3 times more likely to have stalled careers and disappointing personal lives. On the other hand, those who let anger out in a constructive manner are more likely to be professionally well established and enjoying emotional and physical intimacy with others. Lead psychiatrist George Vaillant says learning to channel anger can serve a vital role in our well-being and claims mood-stabilizing drugs and anger-management counselling can be counterproductive. (Especially if you’re a professional wrestler.)
– “The Telegraph”

After analyzing the headbanging antics of heavy metal fans at Motorhead, Ozzy Osbourne, and Skid Row concerts, researchers at Australia’s University of New South Wales have concluded that it can increase your risk of head and neck injuries. It seems banging your head at an angle of 75 degrees and at a tempo higher than 130 beats-per-minute can cause headaches, dizziness, and unknown long-term consequences. To battle this risk it’s suggested that headbangers decrease the range of motion of their heads. (Or maybe only headbang to every other beat.)

A German legislator is proposing a new method of dealing with the problem of dog doo-doo on the street … DNA testing. Conservative politician Peter Stein says the process could be used to identify the canine culprit and then find and fine its owner. After collection, officials would test excrement and match it to the offending hound using a DNA database of all local dogs. (Thereby spending thousands to collect a paltry fine … does this sound efficient?)
– Agence France-Presse

DCM Services in Minneapolis MN is doing a thriving business by collecting overdue debts from … dead people. Despite the lack of legal obligation to settle their dead kin’s debt, relatives often willingly agree to pay up. That may be because they are loyal to a credit card or bank that is trying to collect or just because they believe all debts should be settled, whether the debtor is alive or 6-feet-under. (So file this company name away … in case you’re ever stiffed by a stiff.)


There are 4 types of marriages: monogamy, polygyny (aka polygamy), polyandry, and group marriage. Monogamy is one wife, one husband. Polygyny is one husband, several wives. Polyandry is one wife, several husbands. Group marriage is by far the rarest and has never been the prevailing form of marriage in any known society.


1955 [54] Penn Jillette, Greenfield MA, Las Vegas magician (Penn & Teller)

1970 [39] John Frusciante, NYC, rock guitarist (Red Hot Chili Peppers-“Snow [Hey Oh]”, “Dani California”)

1974 [35] Kevin Connolly, Long Island NY, TV actor (‘Eric Murphy’ on “Entourage” since 2004)/movie actor (“He’s Just Not That Into You“, “The Notebook”)

1974 [35] Eva Mendes, Miami FL, movie actress (“Ghost Rider”, “Hitch”)/rehab veteran

• “Celebrate Your Name Week” continues with “Learn What Your Name Means Day”. You can find out what yours is all about here …

• “Mother-in-Law Day”, first celebrated 75 years ago on March 5, 1934. A similar “Mother-in-Law’s Day” is held on the 4th Sunday in October. To stay out of trouble … best to remember both!

• “Multiple Personalities Day”, saluting the adage ‘We have only one person to blame, and that’s each other.’ Can people with multiple personalities deduct themselves as dependents on their income tax?

• “On-Hold Month”. A good day to conduct a search for the worst (or best) on-hold music. (The best, of course, will feature your station.)


2002 [07] “The Osbournes” debuts on MTV (who woulda thought such an untalented bunch could become so famous?)


1868 [141] 1st ‘Stapler’ (next day, the 1st stapler is used to hem a lazy guy’s pants)

1937 [72] ‘SPAM’ is 1st marketed after Hormel Co chefs discover that ham cooked in special spices, then ground up and canned has a 7-year shelf-life (has since become both the butt of jokes and the world’s most popular canned meat)

1985 [24] 1st NHL player to score 50 goals in 8 consecutive seasons (Mike Bossy, NY Islanders)

1994 [15] ‘World’s Largest Milkshake’ is created, at 1,955 gallons (Nelspruit, South Africa)


[Fri] Frozen Food Day
[Fri] “Watchmen” opens in movie theaters
[Fri] Salesperson Day
[Sat] Stop Bad Service Day
[Sun] International Women’s Day
[Sun] Daylight Saving Time begins (North America)
[Sun] Aunts Day
[Mon] Workplace Napping Day
[Mon] Barbie Doll’s 50th Birthday
[Mon] “Dancing With the Stars“ season debut (ABC)
This Week Is … Free Paper Week (should we call Dunder-Miflin?)
This Month Is … Expanding Girls’ Horizons in Science & Engineering Month (it must be working … checked a university lately?)


• “So … come to this hydrant often?”
• “I know a nice place where we can drink out of the toilet.”
• “My friend and I have a bet. I say you’re part Collie …”
• “Even a garden hose couldn’t stop me from loving you.”
• “I’ve been trained to sniff out explosives and I can tell you’re dynamite!”
• “This kennel is so full of phonies.”
• “Aw c’mon … I’m getting neutered tomorrow!”


The ‘Photochaining’ blog is an online project fueled by participants who randomly leave cheap camera memory cards in public places so they’ll be discovered and used by others. The idea is to take a few photos then leave the card with a note & forwarding envelope, explaining the concept for the finder. Hopefully the finder will pay it forward and you’ll be able to track images and the journey of your card online. (It’s the photo equivalent of traveling garden gnomes.)


What local occurrence serves as your personal indication that Spring is on the way?


In the interest of promoting more erudite language as well as general goofiness, here’s a truly weird word taken from the 20 volumes of the “Oxford English Dictionary” for you to toss around for the day …
• Hypergelast … a person who won’t stop laughing.
(Award callers for tying it in with whatever they’re talking about.)

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Today’s Question: Holiday Inn reports nearly 600,000 towels are stolen from its rooms annually. And THESE are the second-most-stolen item.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Batteries from the TV remote.

To die penniless is either perfect timing or a hell of a budget.

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