Monday, March 9, 2009        Edition: #3970
Get Sheet-Faced Every Morning!

• Snoop Dogg has invited Chris Brown & Rihanna onto his new MTV variety show, “Dogg After Dark”, offering them a chance to  to discuss their problems with self-help guru Dr Phil McGraw. (Wow, 3 of the world’s most nauseating people in one story!)
• Rihanna’s lawyer & Chris Brown’s publicist are downplaying a report claiming a plan is being discussed to rehab Brown’s image. The “Chicago Sun-Times” reports that Brown’s management team is working on a deal with Rihanna’s reps which would include a joint book project, TV interviews together, and a $10-million pay-out if Brown ever as much as squeezes her arm the wrong way again. Despite the denials, columnist Bill Zwecker is standing by his story, claiming Brown’s people even have a name for the plan … ‘Project Mea Culpa’.
• Rock drummer Travis Barker (Blink 182, +44) & his former beauty queen ex-, Shanna Moakler, are planning to wed again just a year after finalizing their divorce. The couple ended their 2-year marriage in 2006 but became close again after Barker almost died in a plane crash last September. He & pal Adam ‘DJ AM’ Goldstein were the only survivors. Moakler explains, “When you almost lose a loved one, it makes you appreciate things you took for granted.” (BS translation: We need to get the will fixed before something else happens.)
• Actor Heath Ledger’s Oscar for “The Dark Knight” should be with his daughter Matlida Rose later this month, according to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences. A spokesperson says it’s expected the Ledger family will send the statuette back so an engraved plate can be affixed, then it will likely be delivered to Matilda’s mother, actress Michelle Williams, who will look after it until her 3-year-old daughter turns 18. (“Mom look – ‘Ken’ clothes fit on this metal guy!”)
• And comedian Sarah Silverman (“The Sarah Silverman Program”) & late-night host Jimmy Kimmel (“Jimmy Kimmel Live”) have reportedly split up … again. The on-and-off couple are now off again, 6 years after they first began dating. (Guess it’s back to Matt Damon and Ben Affleck.)
– E! Online

• Allman Bros Band – They kick off a series of 15 concerts celebrating their 40th anniversary at NYC’s Beacon Theater. The performances are also being sold as live streaming webcasts.
• “Dancing With the Stars“ (ABC) – An all-new cast of celebs hits the dance floor in the 2-hour season debut. Among the new ‘stars’: ex-NFLer Lawrence Taylor, ex-con Lil’ Kim, former “Jackass” personality Steve-O, drama queen Denise Richards, and singer Belinda Carlisle (The Go-Go’s). Pop/country singer Jewel has dropped out due to injuries suffered in rehearsal.
• “The Hour” (CBC) – George Stroumboulopoulos hosts Canadian soul singer Natalie Brown.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Jonas Bros guest; Darius Rucker performs.
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – R&B singer Robin Thicke is on.
• U2 – Today they officially announce their “U2-360“ world tour that begins June 30th in Barcelona, Spain. The name refers to a new 360-degree audience configuration to be used. The European leg ends August 22nd; then the band heads to North America. Tickets for the concerts are said to start at as little as $30.
• “The View” (ABC/CTV) – Miley Cyrus is interviewed.

• Barry Manilow – A shopping center in Christchurch, New Zealand will pipe in his music in an attempt to get rid of pesky ‘mall rats’. A local business association has agreed that ‘nice, easy listening’ music like “Can’t Smile Without You” might change the behavior of loitering teens.
• Joan Jett – Actress Kristen Stewart (“Twilight”) promises she’ll be doing her own singing when she plays the iconic rocker in the upcoming biopic “The Runaways”. Meantime, Stewart says she expects there’ll be 3 sequels in the “Twilight” franchise. In other words, she’s set for life!
• MIA – The “Paper Planes” hitmaker has shot down an online report suggesting she named her month-old baby son ‘Ickitt’. In a MySpace post she says she hasn’t decided on any name yet but it will definitely not be ‘Ickitt, Pickit or Lickit’.
• Michael Jackson – Over a million fans have registered for pre-sale tickets to his just-announced “This Is It” series of 10 shows at London’s O2 Arena beginning July 8th. The immense interest has prompted speculation more dates will likely be added.

A man who lost his speech in an accident 14 years ago has been taught to talk again by … his 2 parrots. After suffering severe head injuries the man was told he would spend the rest of his life in a nursing home and could only ever hope to speak at the level of a 2-year-old. But the pair of parrots that he’d had as pets since childhood kept at him until he started talking again. “All of a sudden, a word popped out, then 2, then more”, says Brian Wilson of Maryland. He now spends his life caring for exotic birds whose owners no longer want them. (Because they won’t shut-up.)
– “Curious Times”


Has Monday morning got you down? Well listen up, life could be worse …
• Minor-league baseball pitcher John C Odom has died at age 26 after an accidental overdose of heroin, methamphetamine, benzylpiperazine, and alcohol. He gained fame last year when he was unceremoniously traded for … 10 maple baseball bats. Acquaintances say he never really got over the trade to the Laredo Broncos in Texas. He quit the team 3 weeks afterward and has ended up dead 6 months later.
– “Chicago Sun-Times”
• An unidentified man has been rescued from a septic tank under a highway rest stop bathroom near Filer, Idaho after he climbed into the tank to … look for his lost keys. Another driver found him and called for help. Police, firefighters, paramedics, and other emergency response personnel responded, and found the poor guy up to his neck in sewage. He was subsequently hosed down with a fire hose. That’s when he discovered the keys were still in his back pocket.
– “Times-News”
• A female athlete from Chengdu, China who has won over 40 medals in competitions has thrown most of them away after learning … she’s really a man. Xiao Nan’s extraordinary athletic performances won her fame and free access to university. But after hospital tests confirmed she has male chromosomes, she’s begun a 9-month sex change program at a local clinic. Xiao says the first thing she (he) wants to do afterward is go swimming … wearing only boxer shorts.
– Ananova News Service

A new ranking of the ‘Worst-Dressed Celebrities’ selected for their insistence on continuing to wear fur, according to a PETA online vote by animal lovers …
5. Movie actress/model Elizabeth Hurley.
4. “Heartless” rapper/singer Kanye West.
3. Movie actress Maggie Gyllenhaal (“The Dark Knight”).
2. Celebrity entrepreneurs Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen.
1. Pop music icon Madonna.

If chipper people annoy you, here’s a finding that will make you hate them even more … they’ll likely outlive the rest of us. An 8-year National Institutes of Health study of 100,000 women has found a strong correlation between optimism and a person’s risk for cancer-related death, heart disease, and early death. Researchers have found that those who describe themselves as optimistic register a lower death rate in general and a 30% lower death rate from heart disease. (Unfortunately, they have a 70% higher risk of being shot by regular folks.)
– ABC News

After University of Missouri senior Cary Silverman saw kids sneaking booze into a movie theater a lightbulb went off in his head: Why not create a popcorn and alcohol hybrid? After lots of experimentation, he’s developed flavor coatings that can be brushed onto popcorn kernels. Now he’s marketing beer-, pina colada- and Irish creme-flavored popcorn. He calls it ‘Pub Corn’.

A new ranking of the worst communities in America to live in, based on a slew of factors including violent crime, unemployment, real estate values, and taxes …
5. Modesto CA
4. Cleveland OH
3. Chicago IL
2. Memphis TN
1. Stockton CA
Last year’s #1, Detroit, fell to 7th place.

• “I enjoy my cigarettes at night. I don’t feel so guilty, though. Smoking a cigarette with a glass of white wine… I love red wine, but it gives me a headache.”
– Actress Jennifer Aniston struggling to focus on a single thought with World Entertainment News Network.
• “99% of my life is still completely common.”
– Singer John Mayer, as quoted by For the other 1%, see above.


1943 [66] Charles Gibson, Evanston IL, TV news anchor (“ABC World News With Charles Gibson” since 2006, “Good Morning America” 1987-2006, “Primetime Live” 2000-04, “20/20” 1998-2000)

1970 [39] Shannon Leto, Bossier City LA, rock drummer (30 Seconds to Mars-“From Yesterday”, “The Kill”)

1976 [33] Ben Mulroney, Montréal QC, TV host (“eTalk Daily” since 2002, “Canadian Idol” 2003-08)/son of former PM Brain Mulroney

1980 [29] Chingy (Howard Bailey Jr), St Louis MO, rapper (w/Tyrese-“Pullin’ Me Back”, “Right Thurr”)

1987 [22] Bow Wow (Shad Moss), Columbus OH, rapper (w/R Kelly-“I’m a Flirt”, w/Chris Brown-“Shortie Like Mine”)/movie actor (“The Fast & the Furious: Tokyo Drift”, “Roll Bounce”)


• “Amerigo Vespucci Day” [‘vuhs-POOCH-ee’], commemorating the Italian’s 1451 birth in Florence. He’s the marginally-successful explorer that a European mapmaker chose as namesake for the ‘New World’, as in ‘North Amerigo’. Had he chosen the last name ‘Vespucci’ instead, things would have sounded a lot different!

• “Commonwealth Day”, the annual celebration of the Commonwealth of Nations held on the 2nd Monday in March. Britain’s Queen Elizabeth II will make an address in London; the other 53 former colonies of the ‘British Empire’ will celebrate with …. nada.

• “Go Commando Day”, a tongue-in-cheek observance when we’re encouraged to forego wearing underwear. Perhaps created by some laundry-challenged single guy out of necessity?

• “Muhammad’s Birthday” (“Mawlid al-Nabi”), a celebration of the birthday of the Prophet Muhammad, founder of Islam. It was first observed around the 13th Century when it was preceded by a month of celebration.

• “National Procrastination Week”, an observance annually during the 2nd week of March that encourages us to put off until tomorrow what we could easily do today.
– I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
– If at first I don’t succeed, there is always next year.
– I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
– I will never put off until tomorrow what I can forget about forever.

• “Panic Day”, when you’re encouraged to run around all day telling people you just can’t handle it anymore. In other words … just a regular day.

• “St Frances of Rome Day”, the patron saint of motorists and housewives, who is said to have never argued with her husband in 40 years of marriage. Wow, that woman really was a saint!

• “Workplace Napping Day”, observed annually since 1999 on the Monday after we lose an hour of sleep to Daylight Saving Time in North America. It seems setting the clock ahead an entire hour messes with our brains, causing fatigue and general airheadedness. In fact, a UBC study of traffic accidents on the day following the ‘Spring Forward’ found there was an 8% increase.


2007 [02] Frank Miller’s Spartan war epic “300” opens in movie theaters, starring Gerard Butler

1997 [12] Alanis Morissette, Shania Twain, and Céline Dion become the 1st recipients of the new ‘International Achievement Award’ at Canada’s annual “Juno Awards”

1997 [12] Notorious BIG (Christopher Wallace) dies at age 24 after a drive-by shooting in LA (best career move he ever made as “Life After Death”, released only weeks later, sells more than 10 million copies worldwide, making it one of the biggest rap albums of all-time)

2007 [02] Suicidal 55-year-old lead singer Brad Delp of classic rock group Boston dies from the smoke of 2 charcoal grills lit inside his sealed bathroom

1959 [50] ‘Barbie Doll’s 50th Birthday’, the anniversary of the day she is 1st unveiled at NYC’s “International Toy Fair”
– Her full name is Barbie Millicent Roberts.
– Sales of over 800 million have made her the most successful toy ever produced … until the last few years.
– Barbie was 9 in 1968 when she finally spoke. Among her first words: “I have a date tonight.”
– The top-selling version was 1992’s ‘Totally Hair Barbie’, with 10 million sold.
– 1 billion pairs of Barbie shoes have sold.
– Barbie has had 50 different occupations including chef, astronaut, doctor, and rapper.

1964 [45] 1st Ford ‘Mustang’ car is manufactured (goes on to become a classic collectible)

[Tues] Salvation Army Day
[Tues] Mario Day
[Tues] Osama Bin Laden birthday
[Tues] Full Moon
[Wed] 27th Canadian Music Week begins (Toronto)
[Wed] Organize Your Home Office Day


Read an E-Book Week / Teen Tech Week / Universal Women’s Week


A highlight bit culled from 15 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
• Mattel’s ‘Rehabilitation Fund’ for dolls missing limbs.
• ‘Pink Corvette Detailing’ business.
• Research study subject for the ‘Association for Global Neutering’.
• Blackmail from ‘Ken’ over affair with ‘Skipper’.
• Wonderbra tester.
• ‘Headless Woman’ circus sideshow act.
• ‘Ken’s Escort Service’.
– BS original


New on breakfast menus … the ‘OctoMom Omelette’. It has 14 eggs, no sausage, and the guy next to you gets to pay for it.


What is the one thing you & your significant other always disagree on?


Today’s Question: Research shows you will be perceived as more important at work if you do THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Walk fast.

If you aren’t going all the way, why go at all?

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