Monday, March 16, 2009        Edition: #3975
Bovine Defecation That’s State-of-the-Art!

• Today 22-year-old, once-in-awhile actress Lindsay Lohan is expected to attend a hearing in a Beverly Hills CA court to deal with details of the 3-year probation for her 2007 DUI arrest. Her attorney claims she’s been in compliance with all conditions of the probation and a warrant issued for her arrest on Friday was the result of a misunderstanding which can be quickly cleared up. (BS translation: It’s been even longer since she’s seen her parole officer than since she’s made a movie.)
• Meantime, Lohan’s relationship with Samantha Ronson is reportedly on the rocks again after a furious bust-up at the DJ’s home that resulted in a smashed window. The incident occurred early Saturday morning after Lohan spent the night partying with pals at LA’s Chateau Marmont, then paid a late night visit to the home of 71-year-old actor Jack Nicholson. (Now that’s creepy.)
• Michael Jackson has reportedly asked Black Eyed Peas frontman and “So Sick” singer Ne-Yo to help him come up with a killer tune to release ahead of his London residency beginning in July. Kanye West has also reportedly submitted a track for Jackson’s perusal.
– “News Of the World”
• Potential contestants for Tyra Banks’ “America’s Top Model” were waiting to try out on Saturday when a ‘stampede’ broke out on the street outside the Park Central hotel in Manhattan. Two women and a man were arrested on charges of inciting to riot and disorderly conduct; 2 other people were hospitalized; 4 more declined treatment for injuries. Authorities shut down the audition, saying it wasn’t properly organized. (Ya think?)
– Worldwide Entertainment News Network
• Chris Brown’s producer-pal Polow Da Don has confirmed Brown has recorded a new duet with Rihanna, just days after he was charged with assaulting her. The track was apparently written by Brown for Rihanna before the fight; and it’s said to ‘express the emotions that both are feeling’. (It’s called “I’m Going to Beat the S–- Out of You When We Get Home!”)
• Brit actress Keira Knightley has turned down the offer to reprise her role of aristocrat-turned-swashbuckler ‘Elizabeth Swann’ in the upcoming 4th “Pirates Of the Caribbean” movie, saying she’s ‘done’ with the franchise. She does say she’ll be excited to see the next film and is sure it’ll be wonderful. (BS translation: I’ve got so many offers coming in, I don’t need your silly little buccaneer flicks any more.)
• “Dancing With the Stars” contestant Steve-O fears he may be the show’s next casualty after pinching nerves in his back. He’s still rehearsing every day but is forced to walk through the salsa routine rather than actually practicing the physical stunts and tricks that are incorporated into it. (A guy who once shot staples into his scrotum and waxed his own privates on “Jackass” is felled by a dance routine?)
• And actress Sarah Michelle Gellar is returning to TV 6 years after her series “Buffy The Vampire Slayer” concluded. The 31-year-old actress is set to co-star in “The Wonderful Maladys”, an HBO comedy about the lives of dysfunctional siblings living in NYC as they cope with losing their parents. (Her return to the small-screen can be attributed to 3 reasons: the movies “Suburban Girl”, “Happily N’Ever After”, and “Scooby Doo”.)


• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Brit singer Adele (“Chasing Pavements”) is interviewed.
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Hip hop pioneers Public Enemy are on (it’s Flavor Flav’s 50th birthday).
• Ting Tings – Tonight the British “Shut Up & Let Me Go” duo kicks off a 22-city North American tour at NYC’s Webster Hall.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Country act Randy Rogers Band performs “Buy Myself a Chance”.

• The Beatles – George Harrison’s son Dhani is taking credit for the new “The Beatles: Rock Band” videogame, claiming he convinced the surviving band members to agree to the project. (Trust fund getting low?)
• Brad Paisley – He tops a new ranking of ‘Favorite Country Artists’ in a Edison Research survey of over 13,000 radio listeners who cite a country station as their primary station. Paisley scored 4.5 on a scale of 1-to-5. Brooks & Dunn and George Strait tied for 2nd place with 4.4.
• Devo – The 1980s new-wave band famed for its terraced headgear and the catchy ditty “Whip It”, is putting the finishing touches on its first studio album since 1990. (Get your flower pot hat out of the closet!)
• The Killers – They’ve been forced to cancel a gig in Amsterdam, the Netherlands after an anonymous warning was received about planned explosions at the venue. Dutch police have arrested 6 men and a woman on charges of preparing a terrorist attack.
• Lily Allen – “The Fear” singer has just secured a court injunction banning paparazzi from getting close to her. It may be for their own good … in 2007 she was cautioned by cops for assaulting a snapper outside her home, and last week she was pictured kicking a photog who’d allegedly driven into the back of her car.
• Madonna – “Sunday Mirror“ reports she’s moved her 20-year-old model-boyfriend Jesus Luz into her NYC apartment. (Someone for the kids to play with?)
• Rihanna – She was spotted partying with pals Jay-Z & Beyoncé at NYC’s Spotted Pig gastropub Friday. An entire floor was sectioned off for their use, according to “OK!”.
• Taylor Swift – Saturday she was a last-minute addition to the “Sound Relief” concert event in Sydney, Australia. After winding up her Down Under tour she agreed to join the benefit event to aid bushfire and flood victims.
• Timbaland – “The Way I Are” hitmaker will provide music for the new Sony PSP version of Rockstar’s music-mixing game “Beaterator”. A release date is yet to be announced.


University of Cincinnati anthropologist Joseph Foster says the easiest new language to learn is the one most similar to the learner’s native language. Therefore to a Turk, Japanese is easier to learn than English. But for a Spaniard, English is easier than Japanese. The British Foreign Office reports that its staffers find Japanese the 2nd-most-difficult language to learn right after Hungarian. (And this just in, the most difficult mother language of all is … high school Latin.)
– “Sydney Morning Herald”


Past research has shown that women judge men by their faces, and facial beauty in either gender is associated with higher income. Now a new study at Rice University in Houston TX suggests that a person’s creditworthiness can also be seen in the face. Researchers used pictures from a lending site on the Internet to assess the trustworthiness of would-be borrowers and the likelihood they would repay a loan. They found a direct correlation between applicants’ appearance and their credit ratings. (“Okay Mr Madoff, before we talk about a loan could you first remove the mask?”)
– “The Economist“


• Sniff your food before you eat it. Inhaling the smell can make you feel you’ve eaten more than you have.
• Eat your food piping hot. The smell will be more intense, which may make you feel full sooner.
– “Rocky Mountain News”

Many of us choose cremation because it seems like the best environmental choice but the average cremation actually produces about 110 kg of carbon-dioxide equivalent … about as much as a typical home generates in 6 days. A couple of new human disposal technologies have eco-geeks excited. One involves liquefying your body in a solution of lye and water, resulting in a pile of bone ash and a bottle of bio-fluid that can be poured on houseplants. Another, called ‘promession’, uses liquid nitrogen to freeze-dry a corpse. It’s then shattered into powder. (“Mom, this pepper from the urn on the counter tastes funny …”)
– “Slate Magazine”


According to a new survey of some 3,000 respondents, these are the worst things you could do during a dinner date with someone new …
10. Not leaving a tip.
9. Talking about sex or bodily functions.
8. Slurping soup.
7. Licking the knife.
6. Picking teeth with fingers.
5. Burping.
4. Licking the plate clean.
3. Getting drunk.
2. Adding salt to the meal before tasting it.
1. Snapping your fingers at the waiter.
(Snapping your fingers is worse than getting hammered and belching?)

• New York City’s “St Patrick’s Day” parade is the largest and longest-running civilian parade in the world. It dates back to 1762. The longest-running “St Patrick’s Day” parade in Canada takes place in Montréal, the first staged in 1824.
– “National Geographic”
• Italy’s National Standards Body has ruled that ‘genuine pizza’ can only contain San Marzano tomatoes, buffalo milk mozzarella, and extra virgin olive oil. (Buffalos we can find … but extra virgins?)


1926 [83] Jerry Lewis (Levitch), Newark NJ, movie actor (“Nutty Professor”)/MD fundraiser/2009 Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award at the Oscars

1949 [60] Victor Garber, London ON, movie actor (“Milk”, “Titanic”)/TV actor (“The Last Templar” 2009, “Alias” 2001-06)/Broadway actor (“Damn Yankees”)

1954 [55] Nancy Wilson, San Francisco CA, classic rock singer (Heart-“Barracuda”, “Magic Man”)

1967 [42] Lauren Graham, Honolulu HI, movie actress (“Flash of Genius”, “Because I Said So”)/TV actress (“Gilmore Girls” 2000-07)

1969 [40] Judah Friedlander, Gaithersburg MD, TV actor  (‘Frank Rossitano’ on “30 Rock” since 2006)

1991 [18] Wolfgang Van Halen, Santa Monica CA, rock bassist (Van Halen since 2006)/son of Eddie Van Halen & Valerie Bertinelli  FACTOID: He’s headed back to high school, hoping to graduate this Summer. He’ll then rejoin Van Halen for a possible album and tour.

• “Annual Coffee Cup Washing Day”, a day to give your scum-laden, germ-infested coffee mug at work its annual clean-out … whether it needs it or not.

• “Everything You Do Is Right Day” … honey.

• “Freedom of Information Day”, celebrating the idea that all citizens in a democracy can access government information. (If they have a lawyer, a dozen years to burn … and a gazillion bucks.)

• “Lips Appreciation Day”, when we’re encouraged to do something nice for our lips … kiss somebody. (Go ahead, pick someone at random and see how big the lawsuit is that ensues.)

1974 [35] New ‘Grand Ole Opry’ building officially opens in Nashville TN

1991 [18] Seven of country singer Reba McEntire’s band members are killed in a plane crash

1996 [13] 1st NHL game in Montreal’s new Molson Centre (now Bell Centre) which Canadiens win 4-2 over NY Rangers)


2000 [09] Dow Jones scores largest daily gain to date … 499.19 points (those were the days!)

[Tues] Submarine Day
[Tues] World Maritime Day
[Wed] Forgive Mom & Dad Day
[Thurs] Poultry Day
[Fri] 1st Day of Spring


Act Happy Week / Agriculture Week / Animal Poison Prevention Week / Inhalant & Poisons Awareness Week / International Brain Awareness Week / Money Week / Pediatric Nurse Practitioners Week / Spring Fever Week / Wellderly Week / Yo-Yo & Skill Toys Week


A highlight bit culled from 15 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
Tomorrow’s the day that brings out the Irish in all of us, so here’s a BS look at  …
• Talk with a thick Irish brogue until you make everybody around you sick.
• Fly to Ireland, and show them how it’s REALLY done.
• Paint yourself green, head over to the docks, and dance a jig for quarters.
• Go about your normal daily activities, only this time … bring along IRISH whiskey.
• Call in drunk for work.

• What do you get if you kiss the Blarney Stone? (Nope, not foot-and-mouth. You supposedly get the ‘gift of the gab’ or ‘blarney’.)
• What do you listen for when tracking a leprechaun? (The sound of his shoemaker’s hammer.)
• What invention did 6th-century Irish monks call ‘the water of life’? (Irish Whiskey)
• How do you spell ‘whiskey’ in Ireland? (Whiskey in Ireland is spelled with an ‘e’ before the ‘y’. Scottish Whisky [or Scotch] is spelled without the ‘e.’ The same applies to the US vs Canada.)
– Irish Tourist Board


Who’s the greatest movie star of all-time? (A recent “Premiere” magazine poll is topped by Cary Grant.)


When sheep get it on it’s called ‘rutting’. What’s it called when horses get frisky?
a. Maring.
b. Covering. [CORRECT]
c. Blanketing.
d. Giddy up!

We’d like to encourage all you commuters to be an organ donor … unbuckle.

Today’s Question: Experts say that doing THIS a half-hour a day, 5 days-a-week can boost a man’s sex drive.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Gardening.


A lie can be halfway round-the-world before the truth gets its pants on.

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