Monday, March 30, 2009        Edition: #3985
Monthly Planning Calendar in Tomorrow’s Edition!


WEEKEND BLOG BS:

• Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie are reportedly set to extend their multinational brood with a child from India. Brangelina already have adopted 3: Maddox from Cambodia, Pax from Vietnam, and Zahara from Ethiopia. A source says they originally showed interest in adopting from India when they visited an orphanage there in 2006 but were too busy to finalize details and had to put the adoption on hold.
– “Sunday Express”
• Brooke Shields has joined the increasing number of Americans out of work as her NBC-TV show “Lipstick Jungle” has officially been scrapped. Shields, who played film executive ‘Wendy Healy’, had previously denied rumors the show would be canceled after just 2 seasons but now she’s confirmed it has, in fact, been axed.
– E! Online
• “Grey’s Anatomy” actress Katherine Heigl says she has no idea what lies ahead for her character on the ABC-TV show because no one will tell her what’s planned for ‘Dr Izzie Stevens’. Long-running rumors have suggested she’s ready to quit the series in order to concentrate on her movie career but on Friday she reaffirmed that she’s committed to staying, however, the final decision rests with the show.
– StarPulse.com
• Ozzy Osbourne says he’s learning to drive at age 60 just so he can get out of his madhouse once in awhile. The rock icon says he’s set himself the goal of learning to drive this year but admits he’s struggling to find driving instructors. So far, none have stayed in the car with him for more than 3 lessons because they all think he’s nuts. His driving biggest accomplishment has been a 2-hour drive when wife Sharon let him take the wheel from LA to Palm Springs CA.
– Celebitchy.com
• And you’ll be thrilled to learn it’s the real thing when it comes to the full-frontal nudity in the current revival of “Hair”. A rumor floating around Broadway was that the actresses playing the unshaven 1960s hippies in the rock musical were being fitted with ‘pubic hairpieces’ so they wouldn’t have to give up their Brazilian waxes. But a rep for the show confirms all hair is strictly homegrown, saying: “It’s all natural … there are no merkins in the show at all.”
– NYPost.com

TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – 1980s band The Pretenders appears in a rerun show.
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Scottish alt-rockers Glasvegas are on.
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – Britain’s Adele (“Chasing Pavements”) sings.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Gavin DeGraw performs.
• “The View” (ABC/CTV) – The Dead (former members of Grateful Dead) outline how they hope to raise money for charity and circumvent scalpers by holding an auction of prime seats for their upcoming tour.

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Fergie – She tells HollyScoop.com she wants to start ‘talking about babies’ as soon as her tour with Black Eyed Peas is over. She & actor Josh Duhamel wed in January this year after a 5-year relationship.
• 50 Cent – He’s been dropped from the cast of Sylvester Stallone’s upcoming action film “The Expendables”. He was scheduled to replace actor Forest Whitaker as a mercenary on a mission to overthrow a South American dictator but has been dumped for undisclosed reasons. We’re guessing his limited acting chops made him ‘expendable’.
• Lady Gaga – She performs “Poker Face” on the “American Idol” results show this Wednesday.
• Madonna – Relatives of the Malawian orphan she’s reportedly hoping to adopt are terrified they’ll never see the girl again if the adoption goes through. It’s been confirmed adoption papers will be filed this week concerning a 4-year-old girl believed to be one Mercy James, whose 18-year-old mother died 5 days after giving birth.
• Martina McBride – She’s agreed to be the spokesperson for the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline’s new public service campaign entitled ‘My Time to Shine’.
• Michael Jackson – PETA’s UK director has issued a statement saying the rumored plan to use exotic animals in Jackson’s upcoming London concerts would be ‘blatantly cruel and potentially, a disaster waiting to happen’. Pretty much sums up the whole comeback idea, no?
• Rihanna – She’s reportedly had a tattoo of a gun inked under her right arm. NYC body artist BangBang was flown to LA last week to finish up the new design, according to “Jam!”.
• Wilco – They’ve confirmed rumors that Feist will appear on their next album, a still-untitled set due for a late June release.

WHAT’S IN A NAME:
NASA’s online contest to name a new room at the International Space Station has gone awry: TV comic Stephen Colbert has won. The name ‘Colbert’ beat out NASA’s 4 suggested options after the “The Colbert Report” host urged viewers to write in his name. A NASA spokesman says the name will be chosen in April and top vote-getters will get ‘the most consideration’, however, the agency reserves the right to choose an appropriate name. (BS translation: You had your fun, late night boy. Now we’ll call it whatever we want.)
– AP

HOW TO CREATE YOUR OWN JOB:
Here’s one way to beat the recession – open a glass shop and then drive around town shooting out windows with a slingshot. This was the cunning plan of 47-year-old Andrew Krogh of Sacramento CA, who’s been arrested on 6 counts of felony vandalism. He was captured during a stakeout by members of a martial arts club which has paid him more than $12,000 to fix broken windows over the past 6 months. (It’s the oldest marketing trick in the book – create a problem, then offer a solution.)
– “Curious Times”

FAMOUS PEOPLE WHO SHOULD NEVER SPEAK AGAIN:

• Lily Allen – Her biggest problem is when she decides to speak, the pretend voice she uses to sing becomes exposed. Why is such a well-spoken young thing attempting to sound like a plumber’s wife?
• Tom Cruise – The main argument for Cruise to put a sock in it comes from hearing his strange talk of how he’s probably the new Jesus, always accompanied by a hollow glare and threats about putting ruthless ethics into people. What the hell does that even mean, you maniac?
• Michael Jackson – Now that he’s going to perform again, everyone has forgotten that he has the sinister voice of a frightened child trapped in a terrifying clown body. It’s only a matter of time before he looks into the nearest camera whispering ‘help me’ over and over again.
• Paula Abdul – A random word generator, it’s a mystery how the “American Idol” judge manages to keep her job. Perhaps it’s because … we can … um … feel her … heart … whenever she … gives of herself … the world …
(And who would you add to the list?)
– Condensed from HecklerSpray.com

SMELLING A RAT:

The US Department of Homeland Security has announced plans to study the potential of identifying criminals and figuring out when they’re lying by analyzing their … body odor. The work will focus on the chemistry of the so-called human ‘odor print’ which scientists say is as distinct as DNA. Back in the 19th century, doctors attempted to classify body aroma by race, nationality, and hair color, an idea that now seems absurd as researchers contend the average human can’t smell the difference between their own B-O and that of a chimpanzee. (Studio experiment time! Have a crew member sniff a well used workout outfit – or perhaps a hockey equipment bag – belonging to someone else at the station and try to identify the owner.)
– Slate.com

WHEN THE CRAP HITS THE PAN:
A Swiss watch company has teamed up with Indian fortune tellers to create the world’s first watch which warns you if you’re about to be hit by misfortune. The timepiece features a bedpan-shaped icon on its face that watchmaker Borgeaud says turns brown ‘when dark astral forces are about to strike’ and will not clear up until the ‘bad omens have passed’. They hope to sell the limited-edition watches for circa $3,000 apiece. (The year’s worst invention so far?)
– Ananova News Service

TOP TV DRAMAS:

A new ‘AOL Television’ ranking of the best all-time tube dramas …
5. “ER” (1994-2009)
4. “The Wire” (2002-2008)
3. “Lost” (2004-2010)
2. “NYPD Blue” (1993-2005)
1. “The Sopranos” (1999-2007)
– AOL.com

BS AMAZING FACT:
The “Rock Band” franchise has passed $1 billion in retail sales, according to the NPD Group. That includes the combination of the game software and the instrument controllers needed to play it. In addition, publisher MTV Games says users have purchased more than 40 million individual songs via the game from a base catalogue of over 500 tracks.
– Billboard.biz

AND WE QUOTE:
• “As I awoke this morning when all sweet things are born, a robin perched on my window sill to greet the coming dawn. He sang his sweet song so sweetly and paused for a moment’s lull, I gently raised the window and crushed his f–king skull.”
– A poem by Elvis Presley written on his personalized stationery which sold for a staggering $20,000 in an online memorabilia sale, according to World Entertainment News Network.
• “If I didn’t talk to you in high school, I don’t need to talk to you now.”
– “I Love You, Man” actor Jason Segel, quoted by PopBitch.com

BS CHRONOMETER 03.30.09


TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1945 [64] Eric Clapton, Ripley UK, classic rock singer/guitarist (Grammy Award-“Change the World”) who’s made it into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame with The Yardbirds (1992), Cream (1993), and as a solo performer (2000)

1964 [45] Tracy Chapman, Cleveland OH, folk/pop singer (“Give Me One Reason”, “Fast Car”)/4 Grammy Awards

1965 [44] Piers Morgan, Newick UK, TV personality (“America’s Got Talent” since 2006, “The Celebrity Apprentice” winner-2008)/former tabloid editor (“News Of the World”, “Daily Mirror”)

1968 [41] Celine Dion, Charlemagne QC, pop singer (“Because You Loved Me”, “My Heart Will Go On”)/best selling female artist of all-time (over 200 million albums worldwide)/Canadian Walk of Fame (2003)

1979 [30] Norah Jones (Shankar), Brooklyn NY, pop/jazz singer (“Come Away With Me”, “Don’t Know Why”)/5 Grammy Awards (“Come Away With Me” album)

1984 [25] Anna Nalick, Glendora CA, pop singer/songwriter (“Shine”, “Breathe [2 AM]”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Badminton Day”, honoring the sport anyone can play in their backyard … badly. It never really caught on when it was first introduced in the early 1800s perhaps because it was then known as … ‘Poona’.

• “Hot Dog Day”, in celebration of the marvellous invention of the tube steak, also known as the  frank, weenie, wienie, wiener, dog, or red hot. In 1987, the city of Frankfurt, Germany celebrated the 500th birthday of the frankfurter but the invention didn’t become a ‘hot dog’ until someone sandwiched it in a bun, an idea attributed to German immigrants selling from pushcarts in NYC during the 1860s.

• “Seward’s Day”, the anniversary of the 1867 US purchase of Alaska from Russia for $7.2 million or less than 2 cents an acre. At the time it was called ‘Seward’s Folly’ because Secretary of State William Seward was considered crazy for promoting the deal.

• “Take a Walk In the Park Day”, to encourage us to take the time for calming and therapeutic exercise that’s so darn easy to do … until you get mugged.

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
2007 [02] Will Ferrell & Jon Heder comedy “Blades of Glory” opens in movie theaters

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1858 [151] Hyman Lipman invents 1st ‘Pencil with Attached Eraser’ (needed something to chew on?)

1889 [120] America’s 1st ‘Golf Course’ opens, in Yonkers NY

1935 [74] 1st ‘Newfie Time’ as Newfoundland changes zone to 3.5 hours West of Greenwich

1954 [55] Canada’s 1st mass transit ‘subway’ opens in Toronto

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Bunsen Burner Day
[Tues] Tater Day
[Wed] April Fools Day
[Wed] Bruce Springsteen & E Street Band tour begins (San Jose CA)
[Thurs] “ER” series finalé (NBC)
[Thurs] International Children’s Book Day

THIS WEEK IS . . .
Passion Week / Root Canal Awareness Week

BULL’S BITS


BEST OF BS:
A highlight bit culled from 15 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
Today is “Doctors’ Day”, an observance since 1933 commemorating the 1st use of anaesthetic during surgery by Dr Crawford W Long in 1842. He got the idea by observing party-goers hammered on nitrous oxide and sulfuric ether (and that’s no BS!). So here’s a few …
BS SIGNS YOUR DOC MAY NOT BE LEGIT:
• Uses a ‘Hannah Montana’ lunch box for a medical bag.
• Announces she’ll be using anaesthesia … on herself.
• Keeps reciting the ‘Hypocritical Oath’.
• Prepping for surgery consists of sharpening a dull scalpel against a rock.
• Tells you to take off your clothes, turns on a Diana Krall album.
• Other patients’ heads are mounted on the waiting room wall.
• Asks you to sign a legal release form stating you were dead BEFORE the operation.
• After you turn your head and cough he says, “Okay, my turn!”

ACTUAL NOTES WRITTEN ON MEDICAL CHARTS:

• “The patient refused an autopsy.”
• “The patient has no past history of suicides.”
• “She is numb from her toes down.”
• “The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.”
• “On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.”
• ”The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.”
• “Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.”
• “Patient was alert and unresponsive.”
• “She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.”
• [DISCRETION] “Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.”
– Snopes.com

BS RANDOM JOKE:

Two satellite dishes met on a roof, fell in love, and decided to get married. The ceremony wasn’t much … but the reception was excellent!

BS WEB GOODIE:

Here’s a guaranteed pick-me-up on a Monday morning. The new ‘Dead At Your Age’ website allows you to look up famous people that you’ve outlived. Just plug in your birth date and click!
NET: http://dead.atyourage.com

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: THIS will be touched an average of 25 times before you buy it.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A greeting card.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:

Sometimes it’s a good idea to sit down and work out where you stand.


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