March 4, 2010

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Thursday, March 4, 2010        Edition: #4211
March Forth! [SFX]


The Charlie Sheen story just keeps getting weirder: now a woman has come forward claiming she had a threesome with the actor & his wife Brooke Mueller, who is said to be bisexual (Two-and-a-Half Women?) . . . US Army Master Sergeant Jeffrey Sarver has launched a multi-million-lawsuit against the producers of Oscar-nominated film “The Hurt Locker”, alleging the movie’s central character is based on him (he even claims to have coined the phrase ‘the hurt locker’) . . . This week 49-year-old movie actress Julianne Moore has returned to the show that helped launch her acting career, shooting a guest shot on the CBS-TV daytime drama “As The World Turns” (she won a “Daytime Emmy Award” for her double role as half-sisters ‘Frannie & Sabrina Hughes’ in 1988) . . . 23-year-old “Twilight Saga” actor Robert Pattinson says he thinks 88-year-old acting veteran Betty White is ‘one of the sexiest women in America’ (ew, that’s actually kind of creepy) . . . 36-year-old actress Vera Farmiga says she had ‘mixed feelings’ about filming “Up In the Air” just 2 weeks after giving birth (hanging out with a crying newborn or hanging out with George Clooney – is that a toss-up?) . . . TLC has announced it won’t renew its deal to air the “Miss America Pageant”, the one-time major TV event that’s fallen on hard times in the past decade (alas, another crushing blow for feminism) . . . 34-year-old Tiger Woods has reportedly been hitting golf balls at a driving range in Isleworth FL close to his home and trying to get back into a regular fitness routine after finishing a round of family counseling in Arizona . . . And reps from Child Services have been called to the Jackson family compound in Encino CA after Jermaine Jackson’s 13-year-old son allegedly ordered a taser online to use on Michael Jackson’s youngest son, Prince Michael II (seems he wanted an electric ‘Blanket’).

• “American Idol” (FOX/CTV) – Two male & two female contestants are eliminated.
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/A Channel) – Jason Derulo (“Jason Derulo”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Galactic (“From the Corner To the Block”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Fanfarlo (“Reservoir”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Silversun Pickups (“Swoon”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – Spoon (“Transference”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Lifehouse (“Smoke & Mirrors”).


• Jessica Simpson – Yesterday on “Oprah” she admitted she’s a ‘little bit angry’ with John Mayer for comments he made about her in “Playboy” magazine. Apparently she didn’t find the term ‘sexual napalm’ flattering.
• Michael Bublé – With 6 nods, the Vancouver crooner leads nominations for Canada’s music awards, the “Junos”, to be handed out April 18th in St John’s, Newfoundland. Rockers Billy Talent, rapper Drake, and country singer Johnny Reid have 4 nominations apiece. Bryan Adams is slated to receive a humanitarian award; April Wine will be inducted into the Canadian Music Hall of Fame.
• Ozzy Osbourne – A biography signing at a Palm Beach Gardens FL Barnes & Noble store turned dramatic the other day when the bomb squad was called in, due to a fan carrying homemade fireworks and some marijuana in a backpack.
• Rascal Flatts – Tonight they portray themselves as they guest star on an episode of “CSI: Crime Scene Investigation” (CBS).
• Shakira – Injuries have sidelined 4-time Grand Slam tennis champ Rafael Nadal in recent months, but he had no problem breaking a sweat in the steamy new video for her track “Gypsy”, in which a shirtless Rafa and a barely-covered Shakira writhe around & strike seductive poses.
• Wyclef Jean – After his wife discovered a nude pic of his manager, Lisa Ellis, on his cellphone she demanded that he fire her, according to “NY Daily News”. They parted ways 3 weeks ago, but Ellis says the ‘art book’ photo had nothing to do with it.


• A 19-year-old Tampa FL man has been busted for … walking around in a clown mask. He’s been arrested and charged with ‘wearing a mask or hood on a public road’, and ‘resisting arrest without violence’. He’s since been released on a $750-bond. (How do you resist without violence? “Given my druthers I’d rather not go to jail, if you’d be so kind.”)
– Associated Press
• A 37-year-old Salt Lake City UT woman has pleaded guilty to 2nd-degree aggravated assault, admitting she hit her husband on the head with a hammer 3 years ago after … blindfolding him and promising a surprise. The two are still married but are now separated. (By an ultra-thick safety helmet.)
– Globe & Mail
• In a bizarre attempt to destroy evidence seized during a raid, a NYC man grabbed a Kingston flashdrive and swallowed the USB storage device while in the custody of Secret Service agents after his arrest outside a bank in Queens. A Kingston executive says it’s unclear if stomach acid could damage one of their drives. The perp is currently being held without bail. (And being fed lots and lots of roughage.)
• Washington DC’s Smithsonian Institution has rejected a donation of the suit OJ Simpson wore when he was acquitted on October 3, 1995 of murdering his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend Ronald Goldman. A Smithsonian spokeswoman says the suit is ‘not appropriate’ for the museum’s collection. (“But if we could get our hands on those gloves …”)

A University of Pennsylvania sociology study suggests that the true measure of adulthood is not reaching the age of 18 or 21 but reaching 5 separate benchmarks: leaving home, finishing school, getting married, having a child, and being financially independent. By that standard, only 31% of today’s men and 46% of women have reached adulthood by age 30. Researchers say it may be because these days it takes much longer to secure a full-time job that pays enough to support a family. (Don’t mention any of this to grandpa or you’ll hear all about how he had to walk uphill both ways to his 3 full-time jobs in order to put baloney on the table.)
– “Washington Post”


• “I’m stuck in traffic.”
• “I know it’s just a personal toy but it wasn’t that expensive.”
• “I’m on my way.”
• “I didn’t have too much to drink.”
• “Sorry, I missed your call”
• “My cellphone battery died.”
• “I had no cellphone signal.”
• “No, your butt doesn’t look big in that.”
• “This will be my last beer.”
• “Nothing’s wrong, I’m fine.” (A poll shows 52% of guys have used this line.)
– Condensed from

Tinnitus, a ringing in the ears usually caused by hearing damage, is the main medical complaint of soldiers returning from Iraq and Afghanistan. US troops harass the enemy by using excessive amounts of noise, often amplified rock music. But that same noise is also injuring troops. Hearing damage is by leaps and bounds the #1 diagnosis of all personnel injured in those theaters of combat. (Ironically, the same problem suffered by rock musicians.)


Asian manufacturers have found that consumers thinks it’s cool to have clothing with English slogans – even if they don’t make any sense. A few that have been spotted recently …
• “Thick Must Be Good For Humanity”
• “One Begins to Copy Onself. It Leads to Sterility”
• “I Have More Exciting!”
• “This Is a New Man … Bulimia”
• “Splendid Love Once Again!”
• “Who Isn’t the Person Whom Isn’t Stripped Off Any More the Outside, Either?”
• [DISCRETION] “Diarrhea … Feces Are Discharged From the Bowels Frequently”
(Now if we could only find out what Asian characters on Western clothes really mean!)

Meals approved by Weight Watchers are going on sale at McDonalds in New Zealand, the companies jointly announced Wednesday, in a deal trumpeted as ‘an enjoyable way to lose weight’ but nutritionists are criticizing the move as a marketing ploy that doesn’t promote healthy eating. As part of the deal – which is said to the first of its kind in the world – McDonalds will use the Weight Watchers logo on its menu boards and Weight Watchers will promote McDonalds to dieters. (“I’ll have the no-fat, bunless veggie burger.” “Okay, do you want fries with that?”)


• Learning to play a musical instrument could help to improve children’s reading and their ability to listen in noisy classrooms, according to new research.
• Coca-Cola was originally green.
• About 43% of American adults under 50 now read news on their cellphones, according to a new report from the Pew Research Center.
– AP


1954 [56] Catherine O’Hara, Toronto ON, movie actress (“Where the Wild Things Are”, “Home Alone”)/former TV comedian (“SCTV” 1976-81)/Canada’s Walk of Fame (2007)

1977 [33] Jeremiah Green, Oahu HI, rock drummer (Modest Mouse-“Dashboard”, “Float On”)

1985 [25] Whitney Port, LA CA, reality TV personality (“The City” since 2008, “The Hills” 2006-08)


• “Grammar Day”, a day to celebrate clean, correct sentences and shun ungrammatical writing. Sponsored by the Society For the Promotion of Good Grammar.

• “March Forth and Do Something Day!”, a day of motivation celebrated each March 4th.

• “Poundcake Day”, honoring the hearty dessert that sits in your stomach like a bowling ball.

• “Scrapbooking Day”, honoring the hobby that’s experienced a huge surge in popularity. More than just saving mementoes, modern scrapbooking involves sorting, cropping, pasting, and writing captions for chosen pictures. Of course, all this requires a ‘scrapbooking kit’.

1950 [60] Disney animated classic “Cinderella” opens in movie theaters

1980 [30] “Coal Miner’s Daughter”, the bio-film about country singer Loretta Lynn, premieres in Nashville TN (eventually earns actress Sissy Spacek a ‘Best Actress’ Oscar)

2005 [05] Multimedia style maven Martha Stewart (“Martha Stewart Living”) is released from prison in West Virginia after serving 5 months for securities fraud & obstruction of justice


1877 [133] The 1st ‘microphone’ is developed (thanks to Emile Berliner, you have a job!)

1943 [67] Actress Greer Garson takes 5.5 minutes to accept her Academy Award for “Mrs Miniver”, considered an Oscar acceptance speech record (a tedious total that becomes more and more exaggerated over the years)

[Fri] “Alice in Wonderland”; “Brooklyn’s Finest” open in movie theaters
[Fri] Salesperson Day
[Sat] Snowshoe Day
[Sun] 82nd Academy Awards
[Mon] International Women’s Day
This Week Is … Poison Prevention Week
This Month Is … Humorists are Artists Month


Have phone contestants try to finish these famous lines from movies …
• “There’s enough bang in there to blow us all to Jesus. If I’m gonna die … [I want to die comfortable.”]
– Jeremy Renner in “The Hurt Locker” (2009).
• “A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and . . . [a nice Chianti.”]
– Anthony Hopkins in “The Silence Of the Lambs” (1991).
• “Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world . . . [she walks into mine.”]
– Humphrey Bogart, “Casablanca” (1942).
• “This is why we’re here: because this little gray rock sells for . . . [“20 million a kilo.”]
– Giovanni Ribisi in “Avatar” (2009).
• “I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to . . . [take it anymore!”]
– Peter Finch in “Network” (1976).
• “Well it’s not the men in your life that counts, it’s . . . [the life in your men.”]
– Mae West, “I’m No Angel” (1933).
• “You know how to whistle, don’t you, Steve? You just . . . [put your lips together and blow.”]
– Lauren Bacall, “To Have and Have Not” (1944).
• “Life is like a box of chocolates, you never . . . [know what you’re gonna get.”]
– Tom Hanks, “Forrest Gump” (1994).


Well here I am again, gang – fresh, dynamic, witty, totally unprepared …


You run down the list while a caller or studio guest tries to decide if each is an actual recent article from a women’s magazine or just a load of BS …
• ‘How to Make Your First Sack Session Sizzle!’ [“Cosmopolitan”]
• ‘He’ll Enjoy This So Much, He’ll Offer to Do Your Laundry!’ [BS]
• ‘What He Really Thinks of One-Night Stands’ [“Glamour”]
• ‘Wicked Ways to Find His Weak Spot!’ [BS]
• ‘Is It Okay to Be Fat?’ [“Ladies’ Home Journal”]
• ‘12 Ways to Look Better Instantly!’ [“Redbook”]
• ‘6 New Bedroom Colors That Say Love Me All Night!’ [BS]
• ‘She Was My Friend … And Then I Slept With Her’ [BS]
• ‘Is Your Family Disaster-Ready?’ [“Woman’s Day”]
• ‘How to Make A Piece of Driftwood Out of An Old Lamp’ [BS]


Who’s the lamest ‘celebrity’ you’ve ever asked for an autograph?

According to the book “Let Me See Your Body Talk” by Jan Hargrave, which is a common side effect for men who hug & kiss their wives before going to work each morning?
a. They get fewer speeding tickets.
b. They live 5 years longer. [CORRECT. They also earn 30% more and have fewer car accidents.]
c. They’re more likely to cheat.


Today’s Question: Research tells us that people who make a habit of doing THIS are ‘nicer’.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Simply looking at nature. (MSNBC)


The greatest ability is dependability.

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