Tuesday, March 16, 2010        Edition: #4219
It’s Your Daily Constitutional Sheet!

Late actor Corey Haim’s mother claims the City of Toronto will be paying for today’s scheduled funeral for her late son, but the city has issued a news release saying it ‘won’t be commenting’ on the matter (BS translation: Taxpayers will pick up the tab for a marginally successful broke actor) . . . Meantime prosecutors in California say they are looking into a possible link between 38-year-old Haim’s death last week and a prescription drug ring (a gang known as ‘Unscrupulous Doctors’) . . . Sorta famous person/wannabe rocker Courtney Love (Hole) has confessed she’s made a big mistake by blaming ex-boyfriend, actor Edward Norton, for a bad financial investment which allegedly cost her $300,000 (sounds like somebody threatened to sue her ass) . . . Love’s also spoken out about her high-profile bust-up with daughter Frances Bean Cobain, contending the 17-year-old punched, bit, and scratched her during a frenzied attack (might be more believable had a restraining order not been issued AGAINST Courtney) . . . “Avatar” may get re-released this Summer ($2.6 billion ain’t enough?) . . . After a year-long romance, “Ghost Whisperer” actress Jennifer Love Hewitt has split from boyfriend Jamie Kennedy, her rep has confirmed (volunteers?) . . . Jobless TV host Conan O’Brien is set to do a cross-country comedy tour, mainly to keep his former staff employed (more evidence he may be the nicest dude in Hollywood) . . . And increasingly weird Oscar-winning actor/political activist Sean Penn has defended Venezuela’s president-for-life Hugo Chavez as a ‘model democrat’ and says those who call him a dictator should be ‘jailed’ (c’mon Sean, why not just shoot them?).


• “American Idol” (FOX/CTV) – The 12 finalists perform songs by the Rolling Stones.
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/A Channel) – La Roux (“La Roux”).
• “The Hour” (CBC) – Robin Thicke (“Sex Therapy”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Sade (“Soldier of Love”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Paolo Nutini (“Sunny Side Up”).
• “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” (CBS) – Patty Griffin (“Children Running Through”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – The Script (“The Script”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – ‘Top Ten List’ presented by Snoop Dogg.

• Justin Moore – The “Small Town USA” singer can thank big-town radio station 99.5 WYCD, Detroit’s Best Country Music for the return of his guitar. The station’s Dr Don appealed to whomever scoffed it after a concert to return it. And the perp did … complete with an apology!
• KISS – Gene Simmons will reportedly be the voice of “Guitar Hero 6”. (He’s 60; his career peaked 30 years ago … but he just keeps getting gigs!)
• Led Zeppelin – A fan has laid hands on a previously unknown recording at a ‘car boot sale’ (goods sold out of a trunk) in Ipswich, England. It was previously not known that the band’s 1971 gig at St Matthews Baths Hall, a converted swimming pool, had been recorded.
• Pussy Cat Dolls – Former member Kimberly Wyatt’s first solo single, “Not Just a Doll”, contains scathing references to her time in the girl group. (Talk about ‘biting the hand’ … being in the group is the only reason she’s able to have a solo single.)

• “Armored” ( Action Thriller ): A newbie guard for an armored truck company is coerced by veteran co-workers to steal a truck containing $42 million. But a wrinkle in their supposedly foolproof plan divides the gang. Stars Columbus Short, Matt Dillon, Laurence Fishburne.
• “Astro Boy” ( Animated Sci-Fi ): Based on a Japanese comic set in futuristic ‘Metro City’, the story is about a robot with incredible powers created by a brilliant scientist in the image of the young son he lost. Voice cast includes Freddie Highmore, Nicolas Cage, Kristen Bell.
• “Bandslam” ( Musical Comedy ): A high school outcast bonds with the popular girl on campus over their shared love of music, and together they decide to form a rock group. Stars Alyson Michalka, Vanessa Hudgens, and Gaelan Connell.
• “Did You Hear About the Morgans?” ( Romantic Comedy ): Hugh Grant & Sarah Jessica Parker play an estranged NYC couple who witness a murder and are thus relocated to small-town Wyoming as part of the Witness Protection Program.
• “Ninja Assassin” ( Action Thriller ): Korean singer/actor Rain (Jeong Ji-hoon) plays a rogue ninja who comes to the aid of a Berlin-based Interpol agent who has linked a secret society of assassins to a series of murders. Co-stars Naomie Harris (“28 Days Later”).
• “The Princess & The Frog” ( Family Animation. ): Traditional hand-drawn Disney animation set in Jazz Age New Orleans. The story of a girl (Anika Noni Rose) and a frog prince who wants to be human again. Voice cast includes John Goodman, Oprah Winfrey, Terrence Howard.
• “Under Great White Northern Lights” ( Music Documentary ): Follows the White Stripes’ 2007 tour across Canada, including several obscure venues. Also available as “Under Great White Northern Lights Box Set”, with live album, photo book, silk-screened print, and DVD of their entire 10th anniversary concert in Nova Scotia. Priced circa $200.
• Also released today: “Destination Truth: Season 1” (Reality TV); “Hawaii Five-O: The 8th Season” (Vintage TV); “Monk: Season 8” (TV); “South Park: The Complete 13th Season” (TV).


• Sniff your food before you eat it. Inhaling the smell can make you feel you’ve eaten more than you have.
• Eat your food piping hot. The smell will be more intense, which may make you feel full sooner.
– “Rocky Mountain News”


A new cosmetic procedure called ‘Platelet Injection Fat Transfer’ (PIFT) may revolutionize the plastic surgery industry. The procedure allows a woman to increase her bust size while taking inches off tummy and thighs. The operation, carried out under local anesthetic, involves the patient having fat removed via liposuction, mixed with other body cells, and then re-injected into the breasts. Sounds like many a woman’s dream come true! However, some doctors are voicing concern about long-term safety, claiming the implanted tissue could harden, causing deformity and possibly masking tumors. (Party poopers!)
– DailyMail.co.uk

For the 3rd time in 3 years, “Forbes” magazine’s ‘World’s Billionaires’ list is topped by a new name. The latest ranking …
5. Indian steel magnate Lakshmi Mittal ($28.7 billion).
4. Indian energy mogul Mukesh Ambani ($29 billion).
3. Berkshire Hathaway investor Warren Buffett ($47 billion).
2. Microsoft founder Bill Gates ($53 billion).
1. Mexican telecom tycoon Carlos Slim Helu ($53.5 billion).
– Forbes.com

A new study at University College London suggests that, while drinking to excess may help you forget, moderate alcohol consumption can actually make memories more painful. Researchers have found that the brain only saves snapshots of a trauma after 1 or 2 drinks, without the ‘context’ that makes it more understandable. That means the memory is more painful and more likely to cause distress. However, for those who’ve imbibed 4 or 5 drinks, the memory is completely obliterated. (Isn’t that why it’s called ‘drinking to forget’?)
– “Daily Telegraph”


A statistical breakdown of life by the numbers …
• 65% of men daydream about their wedding day. (“I was so happy up till then.”)
• 61% of women have bought red lingerie to impress men, but half of men say they don’t even like it. (It’s too tight and cuts off their circulation.)
• 40% of men say their lifelong dream is to own their own bar. (Work one for a week … that’ll cure ya!)
• 34% of poll respondents believe that a new mattress would improve their sex life. (Um, the problem isn’t the venue.)
• 12% of guys do not know their partner’s best friend’s name. (Even if they’ve slept with her.)
• 7% of dog owners have had at least one birthday party for their dog … and invited other dogs.

For the 2nd year-in-a-row the Sumaq VIP lounge at Lima Peru’s Jorge Chavez International Airport has been voted the ‘World’s Best Airport Lounge’. It remains on top after more than 30,000 passengers from around-the-world ranked their favorites from a list of 600. What makes it so good? Great business facilities and relaxation rooms with blankets, pillows, and showers. (Face it, you’re never getting in there. So what’s your favorite airport lounge for the rest of us riffraff?)
– “China Daily”

Last year, 1.9 million people signed up as members at AshleyMadison.com, the dating website for married people. From that pool of users, the site has determined which people are most apt to cheat, ranked by profession. Here are the top 5 by gender …
• Women: Teachers; stay-at-home moms; nurses; administrative assistants; real-estate agents.
• Men: Doctors; police officers; lawyers; real-estate agents; engineers.
– “Globe & Mail”

Researchers at NYC’s Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center have found a cost-effective way of treating chronic headaches and migraine … acupuncture. In one of the largest studies to assess the effectiveness of the ancient Chinese treatment, scientists found it worked better than conventional treatments on their own. People using acupuncture had fewer headaches, less severe headaches, and used fewer health resources over the course of the following year. (That makes sense, eh? Get rid of headaches … by sticking pins in your head.)
– “British Medical Journal”

The oldest structure built by humans that’s still standing today is the Ggantija (‘Giants’ Tower’), a temple complex found on the island nation of Malta. It was built between 4100-and-2500 BC. (Compared to that, the pyramids are a ‘new development’.)
– Listverse.com


1949 [61] Victor Garber, London ON, movie actor (“Milk”, “Titanic”)/TV actor (“Eli Stone” 2008-09, “Alias” 2001-06)/Broadway actor (“Damn Yankees”)

1954 [56] Nancy Wilson, San Francisco CA, classic rock singer (Heart-“Barracuda”, “Magic Man”)

1967 [43] Lauren Graham, Honolulu HI, TV actress (‘Sarah Braverman’ on “Parenthood” 2010, “Gilmore Girls” 2000-07)/movie actress (“Flash of Genius”, “Bad Santa”)

1969 [41] Judah Friedlander, Gaithersburg MD, TV actor  (‘Frank Rossitano’ on “30 Rock” since 2006)

1991 [19] Wolfgang Van Halen, Santa Monica CA, rock bassist (Van Halen since 2006)/son of Eddie Van Halen & Valerie Bertinelli

• “Annual Coffee Cup Washing Day”, a day to give your scum-laden, germ-infested coffee mug at work its annual clean-out … whether it needs it or not.

• “Everything You Do Is Right Day” … honey.

• “Freedom of Information Day”, celebrating the idea that all citizens in a democracy can access government information. (If they have a lawyer, a dozen years to burn … and a gazillion bucks.)

• “Lips Appreciation Day”, when we’re encouraged to do something nice for our lips … kiss somebody. (Go ahead, pick someone at random and see how big the lawsuit is that ensues.)

• “St Urho’s Day”, celebrating the (tongue-in-cheek) saint who allegedly ‘cleared the grasshoppers out of Finland’. The mock holiday is observed in parts of Canada and the USA. For instance, Finnish-Americans in Rolla, North Dakota are staging their 6th annual parade.
NET: http://bit.ly/cDWhuq

1991 [19] 7 of country singer Reba McEntire’s band members are killed in a plane crash


1996 [14] 1st NHL game in Montreal’s new Molson Centre (now Bell Centre) which Canadiens win 4-2 over NY Rangers)


2000 [10] Dow Jones scores largest daily gain to date … 499.19 points

2003 [07] Largest coordinated worldwide vigil takes place, a global protest against the Iraq War


[Wed] St Patrick’s Day
[Thurs] Absolutely Incredible Kid Day
[Thurs] Awkward Moments Day
[Thurs] Companies That Care Day
[Sat] First Day of Spring
This Week Is … Poison Prevention Week
This Month Is … Eye Donor Month


• Every day in the office restroom you’ve noticed the same buckle shoes dangling just above the floor in the stall next to you.
• When you come home from work, the potatoes are missing from the cupboard and your parrot is singing “Danny Boy”.
• Every time you turn around the pitter-pattering stops and that green ‘fire hydrant’ seems to have gotten a little closer.
• Someone’s been eating the green meatloaf in the back of the fridge.
• You don’t recall owning an anatomically-correct garden gnome.


Some of these are trendy baby names inflicted on children of the famous; some are higher learning institutions; some are both. Which are which?
• Keegan [Celebrity Baby Name]
• Miles [Liberal Arts College]
• Prescott [Liberal Arts College]
• Boston [Both]
• Elmira [Liberal Arts College]
• Justice [Celebrity Baby Name]
• Truman [Celebrity Baby Name]
• Emerson [Both]
• Freedom [Celebrity Baby Name]
• Hunter [Both]
• Judson [Liberal Arts College]
• Wyatt [Celebrity Baby Name]
– Thanks to Chandra Friend

I’ve developed the ultimate diet … you can eat anything you want but you have to eat it with naked fat people.


Finish this sentence: You know he/she is NOT married when …

Today’s Question: The better looking you are, the more often THIS negative thing happens to you.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: People lie to you.

A meeting is where people talk about things they should be doing.

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