Thursday, March 25, 2010        Edition: #4226
If the Sheet Fits, Buy It!


Today Grammy-winning singer Gloria Estefan is scheduled to lead a march in Havana, Cuba to support ‘Las Damas de Blanco’ (‘The  Ladies in White’), a women’s group whose husbands & sons are among dissidents jailed since 2003 (last week’s march ended in chaos with many arrested) . . . Tonight 17-year-old Miley Cyrus makes a public appearance with her 19-year-old Aussie boyfriend Liam Hemsworth for the first time at the Hollywood premiere of their new movie “The Last Song” (also the first time she’s not accompanied by daddy on the red carpet) . . . A paternity test has confirmed that Beyoncé’s manager-dad Mathew Knowles is indeed the father of a child via his alleged mistress, Alexsandra Wright (‘passing’ that test is going to cost him 8-grand a month!) . . . The Dennis Hopper divorce continues to get nastier, the 73-year-old “Easy Rider” actor now claiming in court that estranged wife Victoria Duffy has stolen artworks worth millions from his Venice CA home while he’s been fighting prostate cancer (among the losses: a portrait of Hopper by Andy Warhol) . . . “Rock ‘N Roll Comics”, which in the early ’90s pulled back the curtain on the rock-star lifestyle, are being repackaged as graphic novels (featuring the likes of Jon Bon Jovi when he was under 50) . . . Reps for both actress Sandra Bullock & estranged hubby Jesse James are denying reports they’ve been consulting divorce lawyers, however “Chicago Sun Times” reports that Bullock has told friends there is ‘no chance’ of saving her marriage . . . And 40-year-old actress Catherine Zeta-Jones has revealed to “OK!” magazine that her peculiar beauty secrets include applying a mixture of honey & salt all over her body to moisturize and exfoliate; and washing her hair – with beer (wow, she’s a real foodie!).


• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Sarah McLachlan & Emmylou Harris (Lilith Fair).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Airborne Toxic Event (“Airborne Toxic Event”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Robert Randolph & Sacred Steel (“Colorblind”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – Josh Turner (“Haywire”).
• “Live With Regis & Kelly” (syndicated/CTV) – The cast of “The Beatles Love”.
• “Lopez Tonight” (TBS) – Rodrigo y Gabriela (“11:11”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Miley Cyrus (“The Last Song”).

• Akon – He’s now been denied a visa to perform this April in Sri Lanka, even though he’s apologized for misusing a Buddha statue in the music video “Sexy Chick”.
• Avril Lavigne – She & reality TV star Brody Jenner have been spotted on another date at new LA nightspot Industry and onlookers say they ‘couldn’t keep their hands off each other’.
• Bruce Springsteen – ‘The Boss’ has taken a loss on his house in Wellington FL as the $3.1-million property he bought in 2008 has fetched just $2.95 million. (150 grand – pocket change).
• Dierks Bentley – Tonight he’s among the performers as the “CMA Songwriters Series” returns to the venue where it began, NYC’s Joe’s Pub.
• Green Day – Actor Tom Hanks is currently in talks to buy the film rights to their Broadway musical “American Idiot” and may produce an upcoming film version.
• Guns N’ Roses – Their South American tour has been hit with more trouble as 12 fans were arrested outside a concert in Buenos Aires, Argentina for trying to force their way into the venue. Then the crowd threw bottles as cops used gas and rubber bullets in an attempt to disperse it.
• Led Zeppelin – A promoter says they’ve turned down a hefty sum of money to play a reunion gig at Britain’s “Download Festival” this June.
• Radiohead – A 3-year-old colt named after the English rock band could be running in the “Kentucky Derby” on May 1st. “Miami Herald” reports that odds are now 20:1 he’ll win although the final list of horses hasn’t yet been announced.
• Taylor Swift – Selected fans at her concerts are invited to an after-show ‘TParty’ where she and her crew kick back and play games as a way to decompress after performances.


A BS selection of movies in the making …
• “Austin Powers IV” – Another installment of the spy spoof series is gaining traction. Last year actor/creator Mike Myers announced he’d begun work on another sequel and now director Jay Roach has confirmed he’s back onboard, promising the next installment will go ‘somewhere you haven’t thought of’. We’re thinking the bank. The first 3 films grossed over $675 million.
• “The Emperor’s Children” – 24-year-old Keira Knightley will star in the movie adaptation of Claire Messud’s 2006 best-seller. The novel tells the tale of 3 graduates from Brown University who are worried about turning 30 amid high expectations for their work- and home-lives. Also lined up for roles are Eric Bana & Richard Gere. The film’s expected to debut in 2011.
• “Laverne & Shirley” – Actor Jamie Foxx is writing a bigscreen version of the TV comedy starring Penny Marshall & Cindy Williams that ran 1976-83. The movie is intended as a vehicle for Foxx’s “Valentine’s Day” co-stars Jennifer Garner (‘Laverne’) & Jessica Biel (‘Shirley’). It’s said to be a modern take on girlfriends who grew up on the streets during tough times.
• “Overboard” – Jennifer Lopez is in talks to appear in the remake of this 1987 romantic comedy which starred Goldie Hawn & Kurt Russell. The story centers on a snooty, spoiled woman who falls off her yacht. When she wakes up with amnesia, the guy who rescued her convinces her she’s his wife, thereby gaining a free housekeeper for his 4 boys.


Women need to get at least 1 hour a day of moderate exercise if they hope to ward off the creep of extra pounds that comes with aging, according to new Harvard Medical School research. That recommended weekly total of 420 minutes of activity is nearly triple previous recommendations. Lead researcher I-Min Lee says there have been numerous studies on people who are already overweight but few on how to prevent weight gain as people grow older. She set out to rectify that. The good news, she says, is less time is needed to get the same benefits if you exercise vigorously, by running or cycling hard for instance. (Haven’t seen a pic but we’re betting I-Min weighs about 80 lbs soaking wet.)


If your breakfast booze is limited to a Bloody Mary or the occasional Red Eye, why not expand your horizons and try bacon-flavored vodka? Yep, pork-flavored Black Rock Spirits Bakon Vodka is now on the market. But flavored hooch is nothing new: Absolut Vodka introduced Absolut Peppar (jalapeno, green bell & chili pepper) back in 1986 and added Absolut Berri Acai (acai palm fruit, blueberry & pomegranate) this February. (So go ahead and have a swig of swine … just don’t hog it all!)
– Adapted from


Turns out chewing gum can be good for you. New research from the University of Rhode Island has found that chewing sugar-free gum for 20 minutes 3 times each morning leads to an average reduced consumption of 67 calories at lunch … that’s 7 lbs lost over a year! And a related study from Swinburne University in Melbourne, Australia has found that chewing gum reduces anxiety during stressful situations. Researchers think it may have something to do with increased blood flow to the brain. (Or that big grant they got from Wrigley’s.)

Young people in Japan are going wild for ‘therapeutic ringtones’ on their mobile phones, touted as the remedy for a range of problems from chronic insomnia to a hangover. Japan is no stranger to bizarre phone fads but the popularity of the ringtones is surprising given the flimsiness of the science behind them. The ‘Japan Ringing Tone Laboratory’ is the brainchild of Matsumi Suzuki, who previously invented a synthetic mosquito noise that’s inaudible to people over 60 but supposedly discourages teenagers from ‘congregating in parks at midnight’. (Next he’ll be selling virtual swampland in Florida.)
– “Times of London”

38-year-old author Stefanie Iris Weiss is set to publish the new handbook “Eco-Sex” March 31st, which leaves no stone unturned in its mission to promote ecologically sustainability between the sheets. Weiss claims sex is the next big thing in ‘green’ as people increasingly realize their most intimate habits are deeply connected to the environment. From hand-cranked sex toys (and websites where old battery-driven devices can be recycled) to healthy, eco-friendly underwear (bamboo), and dating sites for ecological warriors, “Eco-Sex” aims to show readers how to reduce the carbon footprint of their love life. (And have fun doing it!)
– Reuters

The ‘@’ symbol on the computer keyboard is known by various nicknames around-the-world. The French & Italians call it the ‘snail’; Norwegians refer to it as a ‘pig’s tail’; the Germans a ‘monkey’s tail’; and the Chinese call it ‘little mouse’. The Russians think of it as a ‘dog’, and the Finns as a ‘slumbering cat’. (Seems it’s an animal to everyone but us!)
– “NY Times”


1942 [68] Aretha Franklin, Memphis TN, ‘Queen of Soul’ with 20 Grammy Awards (“Respect”, “Chain of Fools”)/first woman in Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame (1987)

1947 [63] Elton John (Sir Reginald Dwight), Pinner UK, pop singer (“Candle In the Wind”, “Your Song”) who’s sold over 250 million albums & 100 million singles, making him one of the most successful artists of all-time/winner of 5 Grammy Awards & 1 Academy Award

1962 [48] Marcia Cross, Marlborough MA, TV actress (‘Bree Van De Kamp’ on “Desperate Housewives” since 2004)

1965 [45] Sarah Jessica Parker, Nelsonville OH, movie actress (“Sex & the City: The Movie”)/TV actress (“Sex & the City” 1998-2004)/married to actor Matthew Broderick since 1997

1982 [28] Danica Patrick, Beloit WI, auto racing driver (“Indianapolis 500” & IndyCar Series ‘Rookie Of the Year’ 2005)/1st woman to win an Indy car race (2008 Indy Japan 300)

1984 [26] Katharine McPhee, LA CA, pop singer (“Had It All”, “Somewhere Over the Rainbow”)/sometime actress (“The House Bunny”)/former “American Idol” finalist (2006)

• “Greek Independence Day”, the anniversary of the country’s proclamation of independence in 1821. Opa!

• “International Day of Remembrance Of the Victims of Slavery & The Transatlantic Slave Trade”. Okay it’s a worthwhile effort and all … but wearing the button will give you a hernia!

• “International Waffle Day”, a holiday that originated in Sweden to coincide with the Christian “Feast Of the Annunciation”. It was also considered the start of Spring so it became a custom for Swedish families to celebrate the 2 events by making waffles on this day.

• “Letting Go of Stuff Day”, a day to free up subconscious space.

• “Pecan Day”, an annual salute to the only nut tree native to North America. The word comes from Algonquian language, meaning a nut requiring a stone to crack. So celebrate by cracking open and eating a few pecans. Even better, an entire pecan pie! (The proper pronunciation is ‘peh-CAHN’ not ‘PEE-can’.)

1991 [19] Michael Jackson escorts Madonna to the Academy Awards

2002 [08] “The Bachelor” premieres on ABC-TV (paving the way for “The Bachelorette”, “Joe Millionaire”, “Average Joe”, “My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé”, etc)


1995 [15] Madonna’s “Take A Bow” is #1 on pop charts

2006 [04] Veteran country singer/TV personality Buck Owens dies at age 76


1934 [76] 1st ‘Masters’ golf tournament wraps up in Augusta GA

1979 [31] 1st fully functional Space Shuttle, ‘Columbia’, is delivered to the Kennedy Space Center in Florida to be prepared for its 1st launch

[Fri] “How to Train Your Dragon”; “Hot Tub Time Machine” open in movie theaters
[Fri] Legal Assistants Day
[Fri] Make Up Your Own Holiday Day
[Sat] Earth Hour
[Sat] Quirky Country Music Song Titles Day
[Sat] 23rd Kids’ Choice Awards (Nickelodeon)
[Sun] Palm Sunday
This Week Is … RV Lifestyle Week
This Month Is … Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Awareness Month


Use ‘em all at once or one-at-a-time as the zodiac reading of the day …
• Aries – Being mean is what makes bullies happy, so don’t make them have to be unhappy. Imagine what the mean-spirited little twats would do then!
• Taurus – A special someone will furnish you with a gift today. All signs point to it being a single shoe, possibly a brogue.
• Gemini – All your wishes can come true if you’re willing to briefly take on a life of crime. Any satisfaction you had about not having a police record may be undone today.
• Cancer – You’re getting a little carried away with the idea of selling banner ads to make extra cash. On the other hand, a totally bare forehead is a waste of space.
• Leo – Today you will be ‘mooned’ by a cat. Fortunately, you won’t even notice.
• Virgo – You will make people squirm today. Surprisingly, some of them will show remarkable talent at squirming.
• Libra – People will begin complimenting you on how clean you are. You will find this strangely irritating.
• Scorpio – Today inspiration will strike you … and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing.
• Sagittarius – This week you will find happiness. It will look a lot like tranquility, only a bit fluffier.
• Capricorn – That new employee seems honest and is a really hard worker so who cares if she wants to wear a studded dog collar? You’ll have to draw the line at butt sniffing, though.
• Aquarius – Good week to greet everyone with great enthusiasm. For example, “Jen! You’re still alive!” Everyone likes to feel appreciated.
• Pisces – Today you will invent a new type of automated squid sorter for use by professional squid fishermen. You will call it the ‘Squid Pro Quo’. That will be a mistake.


Topless gardening: A human right or just plain wrong? (A woman spotted gardening while wearing only a yellow thong and pink gloves has brought neighborhood complaints and new rules from a housing authority in Colorado.)

Your skin is dry and flaky. Which should you massage it with?
a. Root Beer.
b. Milk. [CORRECT. The lactose sloughs off dead skin cells.]
c. Dijon Mustard.
– “Vitality Magazine”

Husbands are like children … they’re fine if they’re someone else’s.


Today’s Question: About 115,000 tons of paper is used each year for THIS purpose, and that’s just in the USA.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Cash register receipts.


To handle yourself, use your head. To handle others, use your heart.

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