Thursday, March 13, 2008        Edition: #3731
Sheet For Brains!

No surprise to her many male fans but 34-year-old TV actress Jenna Fischer (‘Pam’ on “The Office”), single since splitting with her husband in NOVEMBER, says she’s shocked she’s getting asked out on dates via her MySpace page (NET: . . . “House” star Hugh Laurie admits he experimented with Vicodin, the strong painkiller to which his TV character is addicted, as research to understand the ‘floaty, pleasurable feeling’ (if ‘Doc House’ has a heart attack are you gonna experiment with that?) . . . Word has it actress Alicia Silverstone has opted out of a multi-episode guest appearance on “How I Met Your Mother” (CBS) because Britney Spears’ brief guest shot in the 14th episode of the season may be too ‘chaotic’ (BS translation: I won’t have that hillbilly hussy upstaging me!) . . . Meantime, the video for Spears’s new single “Break the Ice” is done totally in animation, with Britney depicted as a slim & pretty superhero in a futuristic world (as opposed to the bloated Elvis look-alike she’s become) . . . “Grey’s Anatomy” star Patrick Dempsey (‘Dr Derek Shepherd‘) has donated $250,000 of his own money toward a new cancer center at the Central Maine Medical Center in his hometown of Lewiston, Maine (proving he’s not only ‘McDreamy’, he’s a nice guy) . . . “Lost” star Dominic Monaghan, who has a huge collection of reptiles & insects, is planning an expedition into the African jungle to find the world’s largest spider, the Hercules Baboon Spider, which was last spotted in Nigeria in the early 1900s (to make this even creepier – it’s described as ‘way bigger than a dinner plate’) . . . And actress Dawn Wells has plea-bargained a sentence of 5 days in jail & 6 months’ probation after marijuana was found in her car when she was pulled over for driving erratically following her 69th birthday party (geezers will remember her – she was cute little ‘Mary Ann’ on “Gilligan’s Island” 1964-67).

• Akon – He’ll release a book called “Thug Politics” later THIS YEAR through C-Murder’s company, TRU Publishing.
• Bon Jovi – Jon Bon Jovi has finally sold his Upper West Side pad in NYC, after dropping $1.5 million from the $6.9 million asking price. He’s been trying to offload the joint since 2006.
• Janet Jackson – The 41-year-old has been briefly hospitalized with … the flu. (Aww.)
• Nickelback – In a new “Playboy” interview frontman Chad Kroeger admits that as a teen he stole money from his junior high school in Hanna, Alberta. Seems he ripped off thousands from the school safe in order to buy guitars & video games. (This guy needs to stop talking … his rep’ is sinking by the day.)
• Taylor Swift – A line of toys inspired by the country starlet will hit the market THIS FALL, including fashion dolls, craft & activity sets, and ‘role-play toys’. (Do those blow up or what?)
• Trace Adkins – YESTERDAY the “You’re Gonna Miss This” country singer was the keynote speaker at a Washington DC news conference about endangered Civil War sites. He’s supporting Civil War re-enactment fans as they attempt to preserve classic battlefields.

• Billy Crystal – The comedian/actor fulfills a lifelong dream on the eve of his 60th birthday by suiting up in the famous pinstripes of his beloved NY Yankees for an exhibition game against the Pittsburgh Pirates. He’ll wear – what else? – number 60.
• “Body of War” – This anti-war documentary about a US soldier who was paralyzed while in Iraq gets a screening at the “South-By-Southwest Festival” in Austin TX. The doc features tunes by Bruce Springsteen, Neil Young, and Pearl Jam. (The 30-song accompanying album is released NEXT WEEK.)
• Bon Jovi – They’ve become the first act to play 5 shows on the same tour at Toronto’s 20,000-seat Air Canada Centre. To celebrate TONIGHT’s final concert, randomly selected fans will win prizes, including a trip for 2 to England. Daughtry is the support act.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC) – Miami rapper Rick Ross (Lupe Fiasco f/Rick Ross-“Superstar”) is Jimmy’s musical guest.
• “Lil’ Bush” (Comedy Central) – The character ‘Lil’ Karl Rove’ is voiced by – huh? – Kevin Federline.
• “Smallville” (CW) – OneRepublic (“Apologize”) has a cameo.

A BS selection of movies in the making …
• “The Blade Itself“ – After making his feature film directorial debut with “Gone Baby Gone”, Ben Affleck will next make a movie version of Marcus Sakey’s debut novel, named by “Esquire” as one of the 5 best reads of 2007. The story follows the reunion of 2 childhood friends who had a reputation as petty thieves before choosing different paths in later life.
• “Monsters Vs Aliens” – Dreamworks’ upcoming animated film will feature an all-star voice cast, including Reese Witherspoon (playing a 50-foot monster named ‘Ginormia’); Hugh Laurie (as the insect-headed ‘Dr Cockroach’); and  Kiefer Sutherland (as the aptly named ‘General WR Monger). The story follows a top-secret team of monsters who are tasked by the military to defend Earth from invading aliens.
• “Notorious” – Little-known NYC rapper Jamal Woolard has won the lead role over 100 other hopefuls (including “Beautiful Girls” singer Sean Kingston) in this upcoming biopic about slain rapper Notorious BIG (real name Christopher Wallace). The hip-hop star was killed in 1997 in an LA drive-by shooting. The film begins shooting THIS MONTH and will hit the silver screen in January 2009.
• “Obsessed” – “Heroes” star Ali Larter & Beyoncé Knowles will star in this thriller about a successful professional who finds his idyllic life threatened by a temp in his office that reveals herself as a stalker. Production begins THIS SUMMER and the film is scheduled to hit screens in 2009.
• “Pierre Pierre” – Oscar-nominated director Jason Reitman (“Juno”) will produce & direct this ‘politically incorrect’ comedy starring Jim Carrey as a disillusioned Frenchman who attempts to  smuggle the famous ‘Mona Lisa’ painting out of Paris and into London. A 2009 release is planned.

According to an annual survey by the Global Language Monitor, these are the top ‘HollyWORDS’ of the past year …
5. “I’m not the guy you kill; I’m the guy you buy off.” (George Clooney in “Michael Clayton”)
4. “Madness? This is SPARTA!” (Gerald Butler in “300”)
3. “Shoulda gone to China, because I hear they give away babies like free iPods.” (Ellen Page in “Juno”)
2. “I drink your milkshake.” (Daniel Day Lewis in “There Will Be Blood”)
1. “Call it, Friendo.” (Javier Bardem in “No Country For Old Men”)
– StarPulse

London is now officially the world’s most cultural city. A new report that compares the cultural attractions of top cities such as New York, Paris, Shanghai, and Tokyo has found that London possesses more museums, musical venues, art galleries, and theaters than its international competitors. (And their prices are tops, too.)
– “Financial Times”

Teams that wear uniforms featuring the color red (ie: Detroit Red Wings, Boston Red Sox, NY Giants sometimes) are more likely to be successful, according to new research. Analysis of results since WW2 has shown that red-outfitted teams have won more often, averaged more points per game, and finished higher in their respective leagues. Scientists believe that may be because red is subconsciously associated with aggression and dominance, and therefore exerts a psychological effect on opponents. (Or it could be because … almost all uniforms seem to be either red or blue, so it’s a toss-up.)
– “GQ”

Someone with way too much time on their hands has decided to list alphabetically the various skills that have become outmoded due to the passage of time & technology. A sampling …
• Adjusting rabbit ears on top of a TV set.
• Cranking a car window up & down.
• Drafting with pencils and a T-square.
• Filing cards in a library card catalogue.
• Loading film into a 35 mm camera.
• Navigating using a compass.
• Popping corn in a pot with oil.
• Programming a VCR.
• Remembering phone numbers.
• Switching from ‘TV’ mode to ‘Game’ mode on the box behind the TV.
• Using a pay phone.
Some of these lost skills can be downright sad, such as ‘handwriting’, ‘reading a dictionary’, ‘spelling’, and … ‘getting to know your neighbors’.
– “Curious Times”

We have a new “Guinness World Record” for the ‘World’s Longest Ear Hair’. 50-year-old Radhakant Bajpai of Uttar Pradesh, India has managed to grow hair out of his ears to the amazing length of … 5.2 inches. “God has been very kind to me,” he says. (Can you braid it?)
– “Daily Times”

The ‘high’ produced by exercise could one day be available through a pill. Scientists have found a gene that can be targeted to alleviate depression and think it could be replicated in pill form. (Typical … find something good and they’ll find a way to make money from it.)
– “New Science”


1939 [69] Neil Sedaka, Brooklyn NY, oldies singer/songwriter (“Breaking Up Is Hard to Do”, “Calendar Girl”)

1950 [58] William H Macy, Miami FL, movie actor (“Wild Hogs”, “Fargo”)/Mr Felicity Huffman since 1997

1956 [52] Dana Delaney, NYC, TV actress (‘Katherine Mayfair’ on “Desperate Housewives” since 2007, “China Beach” 1988-91)

1960 [48] Adam Clayton, Chinnor UK, rock bassist (U2-“Vertigo”, “Beautiful Day”)

1972 [36] Common (Lonnie Lynn Jr), Chicago IL, rapper (“Love of My Life”, “The Light”)/movie actor (“American Gangster”, “Smokin’ Aces”)

1975 [33] Glenn Lewis (Ricketts), Toronto ON, R&B singer (“Don’t You Forget It”, “The Thing To Do”)

• “Ear Muff Day”, celebrating the 1st ‘Earmuffs’ patented by one Chester Greenwood of Farmington, Maine on this day 131 years ago in 1877.

• “Genealogy Day”, highlighting the study of ancestry and family histories. Got any deadwood in your family tree? Search your surname alphabetically here and find out …

• “Good Samaritan Day”. Here’s what it’s all about – on this date in 1964, Queens NY bar manager Kitty Genovese was stabbed to death while 38 people looked the other way, claiming they didn’t want to get involved. Since then at least 5 US states, including Massachusetts, Minnesota, Rhode Island, Vermont, and New Jersey, have introduced ‘Good Samaritan’ laws, making it a punishable offense to witness a violent crime and not report it to the police ASAP. (Uh, who’s gonna report anything involving someone named ‘Genovese’?)

• “Open an Umbrella Indoors Day”, when celebrants are encouraged to challenge the old superstition and note whether any bad luck befalls them. The superstition can be traced to the 11th century BC, when societies used umbrellas to ward off both the Sun’s rays and harmful spirits. Because of the umbrella’s sacred relationship to the Sun, it was thought wrong to open it in the shade.

2007 [01] Movie actor Sylvester Stallone is charged in an Australian court with offences related to banned substances found in his luggage, including Human Growth Hormone

1781 [227] Sir William Herschel discovers ‘Uranus’ (Sir Bill was apparently a proctologist)

1894 [114] 1st professional ‘Striptease’ (at the Divan Fayonau Music Hall in Paris, France)

1961 [47] ‘Ken’ doll is 1st marketed by Mattel (‘Ken Carson’ is 2 years younger than long-time girlfriend ‘Barbara Millicent Roberts’ … ‘Barbie’)

1993 [15] “Blizzard of ’93” brings 100-mph winds and 14-foot snowdrifts to East Coast

[Fri] Potato Chip Day
[Fri] Save a Spider Day
[Fri] World Pi Day
[Sat] Buzzards Day
[Sat] Ides of March
[Sat] Maple Syrup Saturday
[Sat-Sun] “Canadian Idol” auditions (Montréal)
[Sun] Palm Sunday (Christian)
[Mon] St Patrick’s Day
[Mon] “Dancing With the Stars“ season debut (ABC)
This Week Is … Older Persons Employment Week
This Month Is … Professional Social Work Month


TOMORROW, “Horton Hears a Who!”, the latest Dr Seuss book adapted to the bigscreen, opens in movie theaters. A good excuse to review some of the BS …
• “Fox in Detox”
• “Your Colon Can Moo – Can You?”
• “Herbert the Pervert Really Likes Sherbert”
• “Are You My Proctologist?”
• “Hop On Mom”
• “The Cat In the Blender”
• “Oh, the Place You’ll Scratch and Sniff!”
• “The Grinch’s Ten Inches”

Beside doing what you’re supposed to be doing, what do you waste the most time on at work?

• What’s the point in asking someone if they lie?
• Does the Pillsbury Doughboy have any roll models?
• Why can’t the chicken just appreciate the side of the road she’s on?
• What’s the difference between a parasol and an umbrella? The weather?
• Do dogs chase their tails in the opposite direction in the Southern Hemisphere?

Q: There are 6 common creatures that were around when the dinosaurs roamed the Earth that are still around today. How many can you name?
A: Cockroaches, dragonflies, moths, starfish, sharks, and turtles. (Maybe 7 …  if you include John McCain.)
– “Weird Yet True”

The best thing about cats is that they don’t bark.

Today’s Question: Scientists say there are 52 different ways that human beings do THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Flirt.

Silence cannot be misquoted.

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