Monday, March 10, 2008        Edition: #3728
Bovine Defecation That’s State-of-the-Art!

WEEKEND TABLOID & BLOG BS:
• Tom Cruise’s marriage to Katie Holmes was allegedly set up by the Church of Scientology after an audition process for potential wives. Fake casting calls for a fictitious movie were issued, designed to attract the likes of Jennifer Garner, Scarlett Johansson, and Jessica Alba. That’s the claim of former Scientologist Marc Headley. (Whom we’re sure is unburdening himself of this inside information after 4 years for no financial gain whatsoever.)
– “News of the World”
• In a will he drafted in 2003 and filed in his native Australia, late actor Heath Ledger left everything he owned to his parents & 3 sisters. The will predates Ledger’s relationship with actress Michelle Williams and the birth of their 2-year-old daughter, Matilda. However, Ledger’s father Kim has made it clear that the 2 of them will be taken care of ‘in an appropriate manner’. (BS translation: You should have married him, loser.)
– “NY Daily News”
• Back in 2000, current “American Idol” contestant Carly Smithson released an album under the name Carly Hennessy. Although MCA Records sank more than $2 million into the project, it sold a just 378 copies. (Knowing that, will 19 Recordings want to take a chance on her? Say g’bye!)
– “Wall Street Journal”
• Lisa Marie Presley is suing Britain’s “Daily Mail” tabloid for libel after the rag reported that Elvis’ 40-year-old daughter has a weight problem like her daddy. Her lawyer claims the malicious story and media comments about her weight forced her to reveal that she isn’t, in fact, fat … she’s pregnant with her 3rd child, this one via her latest husband, music producer Michael Lockwood. (Explaining how she still manages to get those truly awful recordings made.)
– TMZ.com
• Arnold Schwarzenegger has come under fire from environmentalists for regularly commuting more than 3 hours to work … by private jet. The California Governor lives with his family in Brentwood in Los Angeles County, while his office is 380 miles north in Sacramento CA. (Does buying ‘carbon credits’ justify unnecessary pollution?)
– StarPulse News Blog
• The manager of Satin Dolls, the strip club that stood in for mob hangout ‘Bada Bing’ on “The Sopranos”, says they’re holding off on renovating the building because a tipster has informed them a movie version of the long-running TV series is in the works. But according to an HBO rep, there’s no truth to the rumor a feature film is planned. (BS translation: We’re not paying to use your ramshackle joint when we can recreate it on a soundstage for peanuts.)
– “E! News”
• Opening action scenes are a trademark of ‘James Bond’ films and the initial sequence in the latest movie, “Quantum of Solace”, is said to be the longest yet, spanning close to 30 minutes before the opening credits appear. (Soon the ‘opening credits’ will actually be the ‘closing credits’.)
– ContactMusic.com

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• The Beatles – Their back-catalogue is finally set to be released for download thanks to a deal between Paul McCartney and iTunes that’s said to be worth upwards of $400 million. (The ruling on his divorce settlement is coming MARCH 17th … coincidence?)
• Gnarls Barkley – Danger Mouse has signed on to produce Beck’s next album.
• Justin Timberlake – He’s executive producing a pilot adaptation of the hit Peruvian TV comedy “My Problem With Women” for NBC-TV. The show’s production company, Reveille Studios, previously developed US versions of the BBC series “The Office” and the Spanish-language telenova “Ugly Betty”.
• Miley Cyrus – She’s sent Barbara Walters a golden toilet bowl as a quirky thank-you for her recent “Most Fascinating People” interview, during which one of the TV crew members apparently caused a plumbing emergency.
• Ne-Yo – Lindsay Lohan has confirmed he’s working with her on her ‘comeback album’ (don’t you need a hit before you can ‘come back’?). Goes to prove he’ll do anything for the money.
• Nirvana – Kurt Cobain’s widow, Courtney Love, claims ‘identity thieves’ have posed as her late husband to buy a $3-million New Jersey mansion, obtain some 188 credit cards in his name, and loot his estate to the tune of $72 million. She says she’s known about the scams for 5 years but nobody believed her because … she was too strung out on drugs. Uh huh.
• Tim McGraw – “Nine Lives”, a new single he recorded with rockers Def Leppard will be featured in the opening of NBA broadcasts on ABC/ESPN through the rest of the season and playoffs. It’s the 1st single from the band’s new album, “Songs From the Sparkle Lounge”.
• Whitney Houston – Her first album of original songs since 2002 is scheduled to be released later THIS YEAR according to her mentor, BMG honcho Clive Davis.

TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:
• Jessica Simpson – She does a show for US troops in Kuwait that’s scheduled to be webcast live on MySpace. Rock band Disturbed (“Land of Confusion”) is also on the bill. (Don’t they usually keep details of these things under wraps for security purposes?)
• Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Induction –  2008 honorees to be celebrated at the Waldorf-Astoria in NYC include the Dave Clark Five (inducted by Tom Hanks), Leonard Cohen (inducted by Lou Reed), legendary Chicago bluesman Little Walter, John Mellencamp (inducted by Billy Joel), Madonna (inducted by Justin Timberlake), ‘60s instrumental group The Ventures, and songwriters Gamble & Huff. Artists are eligible for induction 25 years after their debut release.
NET: http://www.rockhall.com/inductees
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC) – Sheryl Crow performs.
• “The View” (ABC/CTV) – Paula Abdul will once again try to generate some interest in her new single, “Dance Like There’s No Tomorrow”.

WHAT’S PRETTY?
Dr Nancy Etcoff’s book “The Survival of the Prettiest: The Science of Beauty”, analyzes the biological reasons we consider certain characteristics attractive. For instance …
• Clear skin is attractive because we subconsciously consider it parasite-free.
• Tiny chins are attractive because they mimic the proportions of a baby’s face.
• A high ‘hip-to-waist ratio’ is attractive because it mimics the shape of an uninhabited womb.
– Human-Nature.com

HAPPINESS IS AN INHERITANCE:
You can’t buy happiness but you can inherit it … in your genes. British & Australian researchers who’ve studied nearly 1,000 pairs of twins have found that about half the factors that influence happiness are environmental – such as relationships, health and careers – while the other half seems to be genetic personality traits. Because identical twins share the same genes, scientists can identify common genetics that result in happier personalities. (Like those jolly Olsen twins.)
– Reuters

GAYEST SONGS OF ALL-TIME:
According to a just-released online poll organized to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Sydney, Australia’s “Gay & Lesbian Mardi Gras”, these are the campy compositions with the most gay appeal …
5. Kylie Minogue’s “Your Disco Needs You”.
4. The Weathergirls’ “It’s Raining Men”.
3. Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive”.
2. Village People’s “YMCA”.
1. ABBA’s “Dancing Queen”.
Others making the list include Madonna’s “Vogue”;  Cher’s “Believe”;  Diana Ross’ “I’m Coming Out”; and … Judy Garland’s “Over The Rainbow”. Here’s a listing of the entire top 50 …
NET: http://tinyurl.com/32hpy7
– SameSame.com.au

LESS ROMANCE IN FRANCE:
France has long had a reputation as a nation of lovers but while French women seemingly can’t get enough, French men are said to be losing interest. According to a new survey by a government-backed AIDS research agency, 1-in-5 young Frenchmen say they have ‘no interest in sex’ whatsoever. Conversely, the average French woman now has twice as many partners as female counterparts in the ‘70s. (Another reason to visit Paree, guys.)
– “GQ”

BS LAW & DISORDER:
• In Florida, a mother who was videotaped mercilessly spraying her 2-year-old daughter with a high-pressure water hose at an Orlando car wash has been arrested and charged with child abuse. The pregnant mom’s defense … the child was throwing a tantrum and the hose was not on full blast. (We say after she gives birth, sentence her to a wax job and automatic buffing.)
• In Romania, cops in the town of Lilieci have closed down an investigation into vandalism that left several local houses in ruins by concluding that … ghosts are to blame. Numerous reports of broken windows, bicycles flying through the air, objects moving on tables, and candles going out when there’s no wind were laughed at until police officers saw the evidence with their own eyes. Now a priest has been called in to perform exorcisms on houses in the hope the attacks will stop. (Somebody ought to check the drinking water.)
• In Minnesota, it started in one bar (as previously reported in BS) and now venues throughout the state are dodging the new smoking ban by exploiting a loophole that exempts theatrical performances. Bar patrons puff away in costume while making conversation, classed as ‘extended improv’. Productions include “The Tobacco Monologues” and “Before the Ban”, for which performers are ‘required to dress as they did before the ban’, which started last OCTOBER.

FOR THE RECORD:
A 101-year-old Italian man is set to marry his 98-year-old girlfriend after a courtship of more than a half-century. Retired gynecologist Giuseppe Rebaudi will wed long-time girlfriend Silvie Basain, whom he started seeing in 1952. French-born Silvie says the decision to wed after 56 years may be a bit quick but then … ‘you are only young once’.  The ceremony will take place NEXT MONTH at their home in Bordighera, in the northwest of Italy.
– Ananova News

BS AMAZING FACTS:
• No one knows why, but 90% of women who walk into a department store immediately turn to the right.
– “The Book of Useless Information”
• Halifax, Nova Scotia has the largest number of bars per capita in the world.
– “Wahoo Gazette”
• Guantanamo Bay Military Base has a McDonalds, KFC, Pizza Hut, Starbucks, and a Subway. Happy Meals have been offered to detainees if they co-operate.
– Sick Girls Blog

BS CHRONOMETER 03.10.08

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1947 [61] Kim (Avril Phaedra) Campbell, Port Alberni BC, briefly 1st female Canadian PM (June-October 1993)/later served as Canadian consul in Los Angeles

1947 [61] Tom Scholz, Toldeo OH, classic rock guitarist (Boston-“Don’t Look Back”, “More Than a Feeling”)

1957 [51] Osama Bin Laden, Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, Al-Qa’ida founder/world’s most-wanted man
 
1958 [50] Sharon Stone, Meadville PA, over-the-hill movie actress (“Bobby”, “Basic Instinct”)

1963 [45] Jeff Ament, Havre MT, rock bassist (Pearl Jam-“World Wide Suicide”, “Given to Fly”)

1964 [44] Prince Edward (Edward Antony Richard Louis Windsor), London UK, QEII’s #3 son/Earl of Wessex & Viscount Severn/Mr Sophie Rhys-Jones

1971 [37] Timbaland (Timothy Z Mosley), Virginia Beach VA, music producer/composer/singer/rapper (f/OneRepublic-“Apologize”, f/Keri Hilson & DOE-“The Way I Are”, f/Justin Timberlake & Nelly Furtado-“Give It to Me”)

1977 [31] Robin Thicke, LA CA, R&B/soul singer (“Can U Believe”, “Lost Without U”)/son of Canadian actor Alan Thicke (“jPod”)

1983 [25] Carrie Underwood, Muskogee OK, country singer (“All-American Girl”, “Before He Cheats”)/”American Idol 4“ winner (2005)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Commonwealth Day”, adopted by the 53 member countries of the British Commonwealth of Nations in 1976, based on a Canadian proposal that the 2nd Monday in March be so designated. It is celebrated with … well, basically nothing. In fact, one of the few things the old alliance of former UK colonies cooperates on these days is the “Commonwealth Games”, held every 4 years.

• “Mario Day”, saluting anyone with that name because the abbreviated date (MAR-10) sort of spells ‘Mario’. Famous Marios include NHL Hall of Famer Mario Lemieux, legendary race car driver Mario Andretti, and Super Mario Bros (video game).

• “Salvation Army Day”, the anniversary of its establishment in the USA on this day in 1880. The ‘Sally Ann’ was founded by William Booth in London in 1865, then came to NYC to provide food, shelter and clothing to needy Americans.

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1997 [11] Former LA Kings/Toronto Argonauts owner Bruce McNall begins serving a 5-year prison sentence for bilking banks & his hockey team out of some $236 million

1997 [11] “Buffy, the Vampire Slayer”, starring Sarah Michelle Gellar, debuts on the WB

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1963 [45] 25,000 attend legendary singer Patsy Cline’s funeral in Winchester TN

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1842 [166] Queen’s University founded in Kingston ON (home of the ‘Golden Gaels’)

1876 [132] 1st ‘Telephone Call’ as Alexander Graham Bell says to Thomas Watson in next room: “Mr  Watson, come here. I want you.” (setting off all kinds of rumors)

1941 [67] 1st ‘Batting Helmets’ used by pro baseball players (Brooklyn Dodgers)

1967 [41] 1st recorded ‘Octuplets’ born, in Mexico (named ‘Uno’, ‘Dos’, ‘Tres’ …)

1975 [33] 1st ‘Dog Spectacles’ patented (UK)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Organize Your Home Office Day
[Tues] “Gene Simmons Family Jewels” 3rd season debut (A&E)
[Tues] Worship of Tools Day
[Wed] Middle Name Pride Day
[Thurs] Ear Muff Day
[Thurs] Genealogy Day

THIS WEEK IS . . .
Art Week / Girl Scout Week / International Brain Awareness Week / Multiple Sclerosis Awareness Week / Universal Women’s Week

BULL’S BITS

BEST OF BS:
A highlight bit culled from 15 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
ODD BUT HONEST-TO-GOODNESS SIGNS:
• “Take Notice: When This Sign Is Underwater, This Road Is Impassable.”
• “Are You an Adult That Cannot Read? If So, We Can Help.”
• “If You Can’t Read This, It’s Time You Wash Your Car.”
• “Caution: Road Slippery from Grape Juice.”
• “No Jumping From the Ski Lift. Survivors Will Be Prosecuted.”
• “Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Girls: No Shirt, No Charge.”

BS RANDOM JOKE:
Tax day is just around the corner and you can tell … last week Courtney Love started doing her accountants.

BS WEB GOODIES:
• Over the weekend, a group of female media celebs, including “60 Minutes” correspondent Lesley Stahl & syndicated gossip columnist Liz Smith launched a new website aimed at women 40 and over. It’s designed to be an ‘online party’ where women can exchange news and gossip.
NET: http://www.wowowow.com/
• Is this the world’s laziest club? Members pledge to stay home, loaf on the couch, wear sloppy clothes, eat pizza, drink beer, play video games … basically not do anything that requires effort. They’re called ‘Homeys’.
NET: http://www.homeys.biz

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Overall, 3-out-of-5 inductees into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame have had THIS in common.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Some extent of hearing impairment.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Modesty is good bait when fishing for praise.

LOOK WHO’S BS-ING NOW!
BS salutes Kasz Michaels @ The Goat 106.1 (CKLM) Lloydminster AB who’s back for another full-year subscription (year #6!); and we welcome aboard “BS” samplers this week that include Clarise John @ Latino 96.3 [KXOL] Los Angeles CA; Arthur Menal @ Caribbean Radio Worldwide, St Michael, Barbados; Joey Martin @ 94.5 The Bull (CIBU) Wingham ON; and Tee Faisha @ Rainbow FM Berkshire UK.


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