Wednesday, March 19, 2008        Edition: #3735
Either Sheet or Get Off the Air!

Coty Prestige has just signed “Lost” star Evangeline Lilly to be the face of its new ad campaign for women’s fragrance ‘Cool Water Woman’, joining the show’s Josh Holloway who’s already the face of the men’s counterpart (‘Man in Hot Water’?) . . . Actor George Clooney’s rep is denying rumors he’s been asked to be godfather to Nicole Kidman & Keith Urban’s soon-to-be-born baby (ever notice how George is in the news every flippin’ day when he has a movie coming up, ie: “Leatherheads” APRIL 4th?) . . . “Across the Universe” star Jim Sturgess says his audition for the upcoming “Spider-Man” stage musical included impromptu singing sessions with U2’s Bono and The Edge (talk about pressure) . . . Newly-released financial records show NBC-TV continued to pay former “Dateline” co-anchor Maria Shriver hundreds-of-thousands annually after she left the program because the network thought her hubby Arnold Schwarzenegger becoming California governor was a conflict but was forced to pay out the ‘golden parachute’ in her contract (we want HER lawyer) . . .  “Project Runway’s” latest winning designer Christian Siriano is being lined up to make a guest appearance on fashion-industry TV comedy “Ugly Betty” (a perfect ‘fit‘) . . . On her MySpace page, 19-year-old Brooke Hogan says she’s forgiven her 54-year-old dad Hulk Hogan for having an affair with her former best friend & assistant, 32-year-old Christiane Plante (why the heck does an unemployed teenager need an ‘assistant’?) . . . And ‘Harry Potter’ actor Rupert Grint (‘Ron Weasley’) says the now-shooting “Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows” is no piece of cake because – quote – “You sit on a broom for hours and … it gives you a numb bum” (how to take one for the team, kid).

• Amy Winehouse – Word has it she’ll be offered a cool $1 million to perform at the exclusive Metropolitan Museum of Art Costume Institute Gala in NYC on MAY 5th. Party host Giorgio Armani has reportedly asked his co-chairs, George Clooney & Julia Roberts to make it so.
• Boston – The ‘70s/’80s classic rock band is reforming for a summer of North American stadium & festival dates that will kick off JUNE 6th in Thunder Bay, Ontario. Veteran Stryper frontman Michael Sweet is being brought onboard as lead singer, replacing the late Brad Delp.
• Elton John – He’ll perform solo at a concert fundraiser for Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton on APRIL 9th at NYC’s Radio City Music Hall.
• Nirvana – Athletic-shoe maker Converse is set to market a line of footwear with Kurt Cobain’s autograph and some of his drawings & writings scrawled on them. Wow, what a tribute.
• Radiohead – They’ve launched an online contest encouraging fans to make an animated video for any song from their latest album, “In Rainbows”. Winner gets $10,000 and the chance to produce a full-length music video. Deadline is APRIL 27th.
• Velvet Revolver – They’re saying that they’re the first choice to support Led Zeppelin if the legendary rockers decide to go ahead with a full-blown reunion tour. Sounds like somebody’s running an idea up the old flag pole.

• “American Idol” (FOX/CTV) – Another contestant must go home in this week’s results show. MTV News reports that former contestant Sanjaya Malakar will re-grace the show with his smiley presence in a few weeks, when he’ll sit in the audience and offer brief commentary on the current performers.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC) – Sheryl Crow flogs her new “Detours” album.
• “Last Call With Carson Daly“ (NBC) – “Lean Back” rapper Fat Joe is on.
• “Live With Regis & Kelly” (syndicated/CTV) – Jordin Sparks (“No Air”) performs.
• “Oprah Winfrey Show” (syndicated/CTV) – Teen phenom Miley Cyrus creates mayhem as a hundred of her biggest fans go backstage.
• “Survivor: Micronesia” (CBS/Global) – It’s the annual ‘confuse the fans by temporarily moving the show up a day’. Why? College basketball preempts it TOMORROW.

A group of Scottish distilleries are planning to build a combined heat & power plant fueled by … the by-products of Scotch whisky. The Rothes Distillers organization will spend upwards of $50 million to build the plant that runs on ‘draff’ and ‘pot ale’, the residues produced during distillation. The plant could generate 7.2 megawatts of electricity, enough to power close to 10,000 homes. (Another excuse for ordering a double Scotch … I’m helping the environment.)
– “Financial Times”

The TV show “Who Do You Think You Are?” is indicative of a growing fascination with our pasts. Millions of us are now said to be researching our family trees and some are paying ‘genealogy consultants’ exorbitant fees. Costs can run as high as $500 if your tree has a lot of branches. (About 10 bucks if you’re from the Ozarks.)

Think your job sucks? You may appreciate it a little more once you check out this ranking of the world’s most horrible jobs …
10. Restaurant Dishwasher – They’re nicknamed ‘dish pigs’ because they have their hands in human leftovers all day,
9. Slime Line Worker – They cut fish open & rip out their guts in a fish-processing plant.
8. Barnyard Masturbator – They collect sperm samples from livestock for breeding purposes.
7. Medical Waste Biohazard Cooker – They steam bags full of medical waste, much of it horrifically stinky.
6. Sewage Treatment Worker – They work all day in what you flush … right beside the rats.
5. Chainsaw Operator – Logging fatality rates are 21 times higher than any other occupation.
4. Poultry Kill Room Attendant – They kill chickens on an dis-assembly line … with a knife.
3. Hazmat Diver – They swim in toxic material to perform repairs.
2. Hospital Laundry Workers – They make all those fluid-spattered ER sheets clean again.
1. Meat Plant Carcass Splitters – They cut open cow & pig carcasses and remove their innards.
– Condensed from

In his publication “Laughter: A Scientific Study”, Dr Robert Provine claims that women rarely laugh with other women, whereas men frequently laugh with other men. It also notes that people can’t tickle themselves into laughter; and that laughter has natural analgesic effects that can dull the feeling of pain. Perhaps his most telling discovery … people more often laugh for punctuation or to smooth over an awkward social moment than they do because something is truly funny. (One thing sure … if you’re too busy to laugh, you’re too busy.)
– “Science”

The new ‘Lifetime Clock’ measures not hours but years. The movements of the hand are so slow (about 1/60,000th of a normal clock’s speed) that you’d need a time-lapse camera to spot any motion. Each number on the clock’s face is a multiple of 7, representing 7 years of your life. So you’ll have to live a full 84 years before you see a full revolution around the dial. (What a joy … watching life slip by very, very slowly.)

A snapshot of who we are and what we do …
• 86% of married people say they wish their spouse would lose weight.
• 60% of commuters say they’ve attempted to flirt with someone while in traffic.
• 38% of men claim they think women who don’t wear makeup are more attractive.
• 33% of women admit they’ve fantasized about cheating on their partners.
• 32% of us say we don’t consider speeding actually breaking the law.
• 19% of married women say they’d like to tell their mother-in-law exactly what they think of her.

Men rate faces surrounded by long and medium-length hair as prettier, according to a new study from the University of Pecs in Hungary. Men also associate personality traits with different cuts: Women with longer hair seem healthy, intelligent and mature; while women with short hair are seen as more youthful, honest, caring, and emotional. In general, men prefer youthful traits so what’s with the preference for long hair? The researchers suggest there might be a stronger signal at work: Demanding time and energy for growth and grooming, long hair suggests both health and wealth. (And being an hour late for every dinner date or party.)
– “Psychology Today“

New cutting-edge vocab …
• ‘eICU’ – A hi-tech medical support center that resembles an air-traffic control center, where doctors can diagnose and suggest treatment for patients in numerous locations using monitors and Webcams. (A TV show is likely already being developed.)
• ‘Moofer’ – Short for ‘Mobile Out of Office’, a term used to describe employees who use the office as just one location where they work. (“Sorry, he’s not in today … he’s a moofer. Why not check the corner bar?”)
• ‘Sonopuncture’ – A treatment program akin to acupuncture that uses sound waves rather than needles to stimulate specific areas of the body. (This is nothing new … it’s called ‘music’!)

A recent Cornell University study finds that, when looking back on life, most of us tend to regret the risks NOT taken far more than the mistakes made … even the big ones. The regret most cited in a survey was ‘not getting a good education’, followed closely by not ‘seizing the moment’ in romance or career. (And not buying stock in some weird company called ‘Google’.)
– Reuters

NASA research shows that performance increases by 35% if employees take a 45-minute ‘power nap’ in the afternoon. Scientists say a Mediterranean-style siesta improves the ability to make business decisions correctly by 50%. NASA originally conducted the research to determine how to maximize astronauts’ time in space, but found the results also prove true for office workers with less glamorous or demanding jobs. (An excuse for you next time your boss finds you face-down in your keyboard drooling.)
– AP

• The longest ‘distance’ run on a treadmill in 24 hours is 153.9 miles (247.68 km).
• Mixing liquor with diet soft drinks may have surprising consequences. Scientists have found that vodka combined with sugar-free drinks intoxicates people more than the same amount of booze added to regular beverages.
– “Cosmopolitan”


1947 [61] Glenn Close, Greenwich CT, movie actress (“101 Dalmatians”, “Fatal Attraction”)/Broadway actress (Tony Awards-“The Real Thing”, “Death & the Maiden”, “Sunset Boulevard”)

1955 [53] Bruce Willis, Idar-Oberstein, Germany, movie actor (“Die Hard” series, “The Sixth Sense”)/ex-Mr Demi Moore (1987-2000)

1976 [32] Zach Lind, Mesa AZ, rock drummer (Jimmy Eat World-“Pain”, “The Middle”)

• “Annual Office Coffee Cup Washing”, a day set aside once-a-year to cleanse that stained, scum-laden, germ-infested mug you use every work day … whether it needs it or not.

• “St Joseph’s Day”, the day that the swallows traditionally return to the Mission San Juan Capistrano in California, an excuse for the annual “Fiesta de las Golindrinas”. Every March 19th since 1776 (with very few exceptions), the birds come back to usher in spring in the Southern California seaside town, and their return is now an annual tourist attraction. “When the Swallows Come Back to Capistrano” was actually a hit song for Glenn Miller back in the day (1940).

• “Teenagers Day”, a day to quit picking on them for their awkwardness & angst in striving to become adults and admit that, compared to ourselves at that age, they ain’t so bad after all.

1895 [113] 1st ‘Motion Picture’, created by French brothers Louis & August Lumiere using a wooden ‘cinematograph’ camera in Lyons, France

2007 [01] 36-year-old fashion model Naomi Campbell begins 5 days community service as penance for a misdemeanor assault case in which she pleaded guilty to striking her maid in the head … with a cellphone

1957 [51] Elvis Presley buys the ‘Graceland’ estate in Memphis for $100,000 (about the same amount it now rakes in … per day)

1988 [20] Michael Jackson buys a ranch near Santa Ynez CA, christens it ‘Neverland’, and later builds his own zoo & amusement park (then quits making payments apparently)

1871 [137] 1st ‘Chewing Gum’ is marketed (next day, the first wad is found under a church pew)

1990 [18] 1st-ever ‘Women’s World Hockey Tournament’ (won by Canada in Ottawa)

1831 [177] 1st recorded bank robbery in history as $245,000 is stolen in a NYC heist

1931 [77] Nevada 1st legalizes gambling

1931 [77] ‘Alka-Seltzer’ 1st goes on sale

1994 [14] ‘World’s Largest Omelette’ is made in Yokohama, Japan with 160,000 eggs, measuring 1,383 sq ft

[Thurs] Muhammad’s Birthday (Islam)
[Thurs] 1st Day of Spring (1:48 am EDT)
[Thurs] Agriculture Day
[Thurs] Proposal Day
[Thurs] Single Parents Day
[Thurs] No Homework Day
[Fri] Good Friday (Christian)
[Sun] Easter (Christian)
This Week Is … Bubble Blowers Week
This Month Is … Ethics Awareness Month


• Whyzit there are 5 syllables in the word ‘monosyllabic’?
• Whyzit there’s NEVER time to do it right but there’s ALWAYS time to do it over?
• Whyzit when the odds are a million-to-one against something occurring, chances are 50-50 it will?
• Whyzit that the experts who know best how to run the country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair?
• Whyzit your nose only itches when your hands are full?

What’s the absolute sexiest show on TV? (StarPulse picks the following, listed alphabetically:  “Dancing With the Stars”, “Grey’s Anatomy”, “Lipstick Jungle”, “The L Word”, “Nip/Tuck”, “Tell Me You Love Me”, and “The Tudors”.

• You’re playing poker/golf/tennis with your boss for the first time. You’re winning and your boss is getting angry. Do you let the boss win?
• A friend’s spouse has been coming on to you. Do you tell the friend?
• You’re divorcing and must split your assets with your ex- who doesn’t know the true extent of your wealth. Do you disclose it?
• A good friend is having an extramarital affair and asks you to provide an alibi. Do you?

Gravity is a myth … the Earth sucks.

Today’s Question: The average person does THIS 1,500 times a year.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Lies.

Temper is what gets most of us into trouble. Pride is what keeps us there.

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