Tuesday, March 18, 2008        Edition: #3734
Ahhhh, Your Daily Bovine Colonic!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Just days after 41-year-old actress Halle Berry birthed a yet-to-be-named baby girl (how about ‘Cran’?), she says she’s hoping to ‘do it again’ ASAP via 32-year-old Canadian model Gabriel Aubry (the poor guy, he must be in agony!) . . . 21-year-old Lindsay Lohan says that she was forced into rehab LAST YEAR due to a ‘lack of focus’ (actually it was that stuff you were snorting up your left nostril, dummy) . . . Britney Spears’ ex-, Kevin Federline, and her father, Jamie, are reportedly going into biz together, taking over a Mexican restaurant in LA called Casa Cordobes (she finally gets rid of her ripoff personal manager, now her father’s playing all the angles) . . . 46-year-old “Horton Hears a Who!” star Jim Carrey is writing a self-help book for people with depression who want to avoid using drugs to beat it (howz come there are so many depressed comedians?) . . . Pseudo-comic Tom Arnold, host of the new reality TV show “My Big Redneck Wedding” (CMT), admits he’s wasted over a million-and-a-half dollars on weddings himself (3 of them, in fact) . . . A new article in “Radar” magazine suggests that Will Smith & wife Jada Pinkett Smith will become the new celebrity faces of Scientology, despite fervent denials from Smith’s rep (other ‘celebologists’ are said to include Beck, actress Juliette Lewis, and the voice of ‘Bart Simpson’, Nancy Cartwright) . . . Lauren Conrad isn’t the only “Hills” star with a fashion line; Heidi has just launched hers and Whitney’s got one on-the-go, too . . . And actor George Clooney was a no-show when girlfriend Sarah Larson made her runway debut at “LA Fashion Week”, the official excuse being that he was in a photo-shoot that took longer than expected (wonder who gets more mirror time at their house?).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Big & Rich – The country duo’s record label, Raybaw Records, has closed down after a string of releases with disappointing sales.
• India.Arie – The Grammy-winner is heading to Broadway to star in Whoopi Goldberg’s revival of “For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide/When the Rainbow Is Enuf”, set to open THIS SUMMER.
• Led Zeppelin – Guitarist Jimmy Page is reportedly putting up for auction his mammoth pre-Raphaelite tapestry depicting the Holy Grail. Sotheby’s expects the 23-ft-long piece will fetch circa $2 million. (Jimmy’s decided to go with mini-blinds instead.)

TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:
• “American Idol” (FOX/CTV) – The top 11 perform songs from the McCartney/Lennon songbook … again. LAST WEEK after Jason Castro sang “Hallelujah”, a Leonard Cohen song released by the late Tim Buckley 14 years ago, that 1994 recording came out of nowhere to temporarily top iTunes’ sales chart. Goes to show you … never doubt the ‘power of Idol’!
• “Dancing With the Stars” (ABC): The female celebs show their stuff for the first time. Did you notice LAST NIGHT that former heavyweight magician Penn Jillette is looking really svelte? He’s dropped a staggering 50 lbs to get in shape for the show. (Or was it just an illusion?)
• “Last Call With Carson Daly (NBC): Rapper Rick Ross (“The Boss”) is the guest.
• “Live With Regis & Kelly” (syndicated/CTV) – Mr Heidi Klum, Seal, performs.
• “One Tree Hill” (CW) – The show’s 100th episode includes a major twist at the end for ‘Lucas’ and ‘Nathan’.
• “Oprah Winfrey Show” (syndicated/CTV): The Osmond Bros, Donny & Marie, and over 100 Osmond offspring all perform together. (Just a warning.)
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC) – Erykah Badu performs music from her new album, “New AmErykah, Pt One: 4th World War”. (If that was FIRST choice for the title, hate to hear the rejects.)

TODAY’S VIDEO RELEASES:
• “Atonement” ( War Drama ): Keira Knightley & James McAvoy star in this story of a 13-year-old who  irrevocably changes the course of several lives when she accuses her older sister’s lover of a crime he did not commit. Nominated for 7 Academy Awards; won ‘Best Original Score’.
• “Enchanted” ( Animated/Live Action Family Adventure ): A classic Disney fairytale collides with modern-day NYC in this story about an animated fairytale princess from the past (Amy Adams) who is thrust into the present-day real world by an evil queen (Susan Sarandon). Also features Patrick Dempsey (“Grey’s Anatomy”) and James Marsden (“X-Men”). 3 Oscar nominations.
• “I Am Legend” ( Sci-Fi Thriller ): Will Smith plays the last healthy man on Earth after a biological attack has caused everyone else to become zombies. By day, he hunts the undead who walk the streets; by night, he barricades himself in his home against the mob gathered outside. Also available in a ‘2-Disc Special Edition’.
• “Love In the Time of Cholera” ( Drama ): Based on Nobel Prize-winning author Gabriel García Marquez’s 1985 novel about a passionate love triangle that unfolds in turn-of-the-20th century South America. Stars Javier Bardem (was he in EVERY movie last year?) and Benjamin Bratt. Shot in Colombia and England.
• “Revolver” ( Crime Drama ): Jason Statham (“Transporter”) plays a hot-shot gambler who foolishly whips a crime boss in a high-stakes card game. When the mobster puts out a hit on him, he ends up working for a pair of brothers determined to take the big guy down. Co-stars Ray Liotta (“Goodfellas”), Vincent Pastore (“The Sopranos”), and André Benjamin (Outkast). Directed and co-written by Guy Ritchie (Mr Madonna).
• Also released TODAY: “Battlestar Galactica: Season 3“; “Bull Durham (Collector’s Edition)”; “Eight Men Out (20th Anniversary” Edition)”; “Married … With Children: The Complete 8th Season”; and “The Pride of the Yankees (65th Anniversary)”. Can you tell its almost baseball season?

APPLICATION ERRORS:
From a recent survey about blunders made during job interviews, these 3 take the cake …
• Applicant confesses she’s not a ‘numbers person’ … while applying for an accounting job.
• Interviewee tells interviewer he was fired from his last job … for beating up the boss.
• Applicant answers a cellphone during the interview and asks the interviewer to leave her own office because … it’s a ‘private call’.
– CareerBuilder.com

SCIENTISTS SAY:
A BS compendium of recent ‘discoveries’ …
• Scientists say … your body can withstand pain better at night because your brain produces the most pain-killers between 8 pm and 8 am. (Next St Patrick’s Day, drink early so you get your hangover over with BEFORE 8 in the morning.)
• Scientists say … people playing first-person-shooter games experience anxiety and anger when they kill their video ‘enemies’ but actually feel emotional relief when their own character is killed. (Video-gamers are all masochists?)
• Scientists say … men are attracted to pale-skinned virginal types. Researchers at the University of Toronto say light-skinned women are considered the most beautiful in all cultures because of subconscious associations with purity. (Women, on the other hand, reject pale guys for bad boys.)

BIGGEST RECORD COMPANY SCREW-UPS OF ALL-TIME:
5. RIAA suing a struggling single mom for digital piracy. Her $222,000-fine (which works out to $9,250 per downloaded song) just makes the big companies look like bad guys.
4. Major labels spend unnecessary millions on indie promoters who offer bribes to get their music on-air. It’s the biggest pay-for-play scam since the payola scandals of the ’50s.
3. Motown selling for a pittance. In 1988, Berry Gordy Jr sells Motown and its awesome back catalogue to MCA & an investment company for $60 million. Just 5 years later, it’s resold for $325 million.
2. Decca Records A&R exec telling The Beatles “No, thanks.” In the early ‘60s, Dick Rowe explains to their manager Brian Epstein that he’s not interested because “groups with guitars are on their way out.”
1. Major labels squashing Napster. The free file-sharing service attracted tens-of-millions of users, but instead of trying to find a way to capitalize on it, the RIAA rejects Napster’s billion-dollar settlement offer and sues it out of existence in 2001 … at least, temporarily.
– “Blender”

NO EASTER BUNNY … IF YOU’RE SMART:
No one would buy their kids a reindeer at Christmas so why do so many buy them rabbits at Easter? The Colorado House Rabbit Society warns that you may be getting more hassle than you expect when buying a bunny. Although they look cuddly, they have strong legs and sharp claws. Rabbits are also indiscriminate chewers and their stomachs are finicky. Although they love fruit, more than a couple of tablespoons can make them sick. And be ready to deal with potential upset – a bunny can become fatally ill quite quickly. (They’re the goldfish of mammals.)
– “Denver Post”

TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:
• In Ness City, Kansas a 35-year-old woman has been hospitalized after sitting on her boyfriend’s toilet for … 2 years. Her skin actually melded with the seat leaving her physically attached. After years of feeding her and asking her to come out of the bathroom, her boyfriend finally called the cops for some professional help. (Two years? Wouldn’t you get a tad worried after 2 hours?)
– “San Jose Mercury News”
• In Switzerland there’s a giant uproar over … cow guts. Wildly popular Swiss pork-and-beef sausages known as ‘cervelat’ have traditionally used imported Brazilian cow-intestine casings, aficionados saying nothing else tastes quite the same. But the European Union has now banned their import, fearing they may contain traces of Mad Cow Disease. (Alas, Swiss sausage-makers will all gutless within a couple months.)
– MSNBC
• In Kottayam, India some 48 patients have been admitted to hospital with burned retinas after trying to catch a glimpse of the Virgin Mary by … staring at the Sun. After rumors began circulating that a vision could be seen in the solar aura, a crowd of locals gathered to check it out. (Now if you’ll just stare into this blowtorch, you’ll see God.)
– UPI

BS AMAZING FACT:
The total cost of buying, feeding, and maintaining a dog the size of a Labrador Retriever is, on average, equal to the cost of one Starbucks Espresso Frappuccino a day.
– Encarta.MSN.com

BS CHRONOMETER 03.18.08

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1963 [45] Vanessa Williams, Tarrytown NY, TV actress (‘Wilhelmina Slater’ on “Ugly Betty” since 2006)/pop singer (“Save the Best For Last”, “Colors Of the Wind”)/movie actress (“Johnson Family Vacation“, “Shaft”)/Broadway actress (“Into the Woods”, “Kiss of the Spider Woman”)/ex-Mrs Rick Fox 1999-2005 (ex-LA Lakers)

1970 [38] Queen Latifah (Dana Owens), Newark NJ, movie actress (“Hairspray”, “Chicago”)/hip-hop/jazz/pop singer (Grammy Award-“UNITY”)  FACTOID: ‘Latifah’ is Arabic for ‘delicate and sensitive’.

1972 [36] Dane Cook, Boston MA, comedian (“Harmful If Swallowed”)/movie actor (“Dan in Real Life”, “Good Luck Chuck”)

1979 [29] Adam Levine, LA CA, pop singer (Maroon 5-“Makes Me Wonder”, “She Will Be Loved”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Awkward Moments Day”, a day to celebrate the humor in life’s uncomfortable situations. (Which we normally fail to see until years later.)

• “Forgive Mom & Dad Day”. No matter how lousy they were as parents, it’s time to let it go and get on with your life.

• “Supreme Sacrifice Day”. Ask your parents what it’s about … if you’ve got an hour or 2 to kill.

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1968 [40] “The Producers“, the first feature film written & directed by Mel Brooks, premieres in NYC to lukewarm reviews (later transformed into a phenomenally successful Broadway musical in 2001, and a marginally successful movie remake in 2005)

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENTS . . .
1978 [30] The Bee Gees’ “Night Fever” hits #1 on pop charts and stays 8 weeks (one of several hits from the “Saturday Night Fever” soundtrack)

1998 [10] Michael Jackson goes shopping at a toy store in Munich, Germany … dressed as an Arab woman

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1892 [116] Lord Stanley 1st proposes a ‘Silver Challenge Cup for Hockey’ (becomes known as the Stanley Cup)

1931 [77] 1st ‘Electric Razor’, marketed by Schick (and 1st nose-hair becomes hopelessly caught)

1961 [47] Fat guy/TV huckster ‘Pillsbury Doughboy’ (aka Poppin‘ Fresh) makes his TV debut

1965 [43] 1st ‘Space Walk’ (Aleksei Leonov-USSR)

1966 [42] 1st ‘Paper Dress’ goes on the market, priced at $1 by Scott Paper Co

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1945 [63] 1st NHLer to score 50 goals in a season (Maurice ‘Rocket’ Richard-Montréal Canadiens)

1981 [27] Buffalo Sabres set NHL record of 9 goals in 1 period (vs Toronto Maple Leafs)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Muhammad’s Birthday (Islam)
[Thurs] 1st Day of Spring
[Thurs] No Homework Day
[Thurs] Proposal Day
[Thurs] Single Parents Day
[Thurs] Teacher Appreciation Day
[Fri] Good Friday (Christian)
[Sun] Easter (Christian)
This Week Is … International Brain Awareness Week
This Month Is … Craft Month

BULL’S BITS

BEST OF BS:
A highlight bit culled from 15 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
HOW TO SPRING CLEAN:
Clearing clutter is a lifelong process because we are constantly bringing home more things that can become clutter. Here are a few tips to help you de-clutter your home, and your life …
• Get serious about getting rid of clutter by setting a day and time to start.
• Give yourself a set amount of time to accomplish it.
• Start with something small, like a drawer.
• Do one thing and finish it, then start another.
• Make a ‘To Do’ list and check off each thing you finish.
• Have separate bags or boxes for garbage, giveaways, charity donations, and borrowed items.
• Reward yourself with something when you finish your list.
– FengShuiDiva.com

BROADCASTING 101:
A nugget of know-how to help encourage you to get back to basics …
Sometimes great broadcasting requires you to ‘be a duck’ … in order to gracefully glide on the surface, you gotta paddle like hell beneath it. Executing smooth pronunciation of difficult names is one of those cases. To make them sound effortless, you need to research the proper pronunciation and rehearse it out loud until it falls off your tongue. Thanks to the Internet, finding correct pronunciations is easier than ever at sites like …
• Dictionary.com (http://dictionary.reference.com)
• ESPN (http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/players)
• Voice of America (http://names.voa.gov/index.cfm)
• Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Main_Page)
If those fail, try simply Googling “[name] is pronounced” and odds are you’ll find a page somewhere that breaks it down phonetically. Next time you’re up against the likes of Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad or MLB pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka, research and rehearse and you’ll be able to toss ‘em off like they’re nuthin’. And that’s just duckie.

BS RANDOM JOKES:
• If idiots could fly, this place would be an airport.
• If love was oil, I’d be down a quart.

BS WEB GOODIE:
Thanks to a promotion for the DVD of “American Gangster”, you can create your own custom raps using this rap generator …
NET: http://tinyurl.com/37c6fc

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Each day on planet Earth, half the entire population does THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Eats rice.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
The best thing to hold onto in this world is each other.


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