Friday, March 14, 2008        Edition: #3732
Beware the Ides of Bull!

The movie version of “Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows”, the final instalment in JK Rowling’s best-selling series, will be split into TWO films opening in 2010 and 2011 due to ‘purely creative reasons’ (BS translation: This is our last chance to squeeze every last drop out of this cash-cow) . . . 80-year-old former ‘James Bond’ star Roger Moore is teaming up with his son Geoffrey to produce a new version of his classic 1960s spy series, “The Saint”, which will first air as a 2-hour TV-movie special (hopefully it’s better than the lame 1997 bigscreen version starring Val Kilmer) . . . Nick Lachey (“Newlyweds”) is making a return to reality TV, developing a new MTV series that follows the lives of teens at his alma matter, the School for Creative & Performing Arts in Cincinnati (funny how celebs go back home to find work when their star begins to dim) . . . “Friends” alum Lisa Kudrow will host a new series titled “Who Do You Think You Are?” (NBC) which traces the family tree of a different celeb each week, revealing the story of their ancestry (a ripoff of the CBC show which is a ripoff of the BBC original) . . . The producers of “ER” (NBC) are attempting to bring back former cast members to revisit the show during its final season, including Noah Wyle (‘Dr Carter’), Goran Visnjic (‘Dr Kovac’), and the man who played ‘Dr Doug Ross’ from 1994-2000 – movie mega-star George Clooney (as if) . . . Larry the Cable Guy (Dan Whitney) has become the unlikely face of weight-loss company NutriSystem after shedding 50 lbs (‘Git-R-Off!’) . . . And wannabe-French-folks Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie have reportedly made an offer on an 850-year-old stone villa in Provence, a  $20-million estate they’d lost interest in until Pitt was recently given consent to develop the 5-acre garden into – a motorcycle track (mon dieu, zare goes zee neighborhood!)

• Bob Dylan – According to Paula Abdul, he’s managed to sneak into the audience of “American Idol” without being recognized thanks to a disguise … twice. Of course, that’s from Paula Abdul, who we remind you has ‘never been drunk or used recreational drugs in her life’.
• John Mayer – He’s worried he’ll never get married because all the tabloid stories about past romances with the likes of Jennifer Love Hewitt & Jessica Simpson may scare women off. (Naw, it’s the weird hair.)
• Madonna – Her new Africa awareness documentary, “I Am Because We Are”, was directed & filmed by … her gardener. (Because the pool boy was busy with the “Four Minutes” video.)
• Meat Loaf – In his new concert film, “In Search of Paradise”, movie actor/sometime singer Dennis Quaid joins him onstage for a cover of the classic Van Morrison tune “Gloria”.
• Sixpence None The Richer – TONIGHT they play their first show in 4 years at the “South-By-Southwest” music festival in Austin, Texas.
• Van Halen – Actress-turned-author Valerie Bertinelli (“Losing It: And Gaining My Life Back One Pound at a Time”) says recent reports that her ex-, Eddie Van Halen, is in rehab are wrong. He’s sober and being proactive about his illness, she claims, but declines to provide details about exactly what’s ailing him.

• “Canadian Idol” – SATURDAY & SUNDAY auditions move into Montréal’s Forum Pepsi.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC) – TONIGHT “Lean Back” rapper Fat Joe is the musical guest.
• “Live With Regis & Kelly” (syndicated/CTV) – TODAY country starlet Taylor Swift performs.
• “The Return of Jezebel James” (FOX) – TONIGHT the debut of this new series from “Gilmore Girls” creator Amy Sherman-Palladino centers around a professional woman attempting to convince her estranged younger sister to act as a surrogate mom.
• “Saturday Night Live” (NBC/Global) – Mariah Carey is the musical guest, filling in for ailing Janet Jackson. “Horton Hears a Who!” actor Jonah Hill (who?) hosts.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC) – TONIGHT Paula Abdul drops by and threatens to sing.
• “The View” (ABC/CTV) – TODAY Snoop Dogg is a guest, flogging his new album “Ego Trippin’”.
• “Tim Hortons Brier” – TODAY TSN airs playoffs from the MTS Centre in Winnipeg. CBC-TV airs the semis SATURDAY & the final SUNDAY. Is there another country on Earth where curling would air in primetime?

• “Doomsday” ( R-Rated Action Adventure ): Years after the lethal ‘Reaper Virus’ has decimated Britain’s population, a team of specialists is dispatched into a hot zone where a new breakout has occurred, hoping to find a cure before humanity is eliminated from the planet. Stars Rhona Mitra & Bob Hoskins. Shot in the UK and South Africa. (Sounds a lot like “28 Days Later”, no?)
• “Funny Games” ( R-Rated Horror Thriller ): A family’s vacation in a secluded cabin turns into a nightmare when a pair of psychos infiltrates and puts them through a series of psychologically and physically abusive games. Stars Naomi Watts & Tim Roth. A remake of writer/director Michael Haneke’s own 1997 German film. Buzz has it you should stick around for the credits.
• “Horton Hears a Who!” ( G-Rated Family Animation ): Based on the classic Dr Seuss kids’ book, an elephant named ‘Horton’ (Jim Carrey) hears a cry for help from a speck of dust that flies by his massive ear. Determined to save whoever is contained in it, he’s ostracized by his community because they think he’s lost his mind. Voice cast also includes Steve Carell (“The Office”), Carol Burnett, Seth Rogen (“Knocked Up”), and Jaime Pressly (“My Name is Earl”).
• “Never Back Down” ( PG-13 Martial Arts Action ): After being beat up by a bully, the new kid at an Orlando, Florida high school (Sean Faris) is introduced to the world of mixed-martial-arts fighting and a tough teacher (Djimon Hounsou) who takes him under his wing. Amber Heard co-stars as the school’s eye-candy hottie.
‘Napoleon Complex’ or ‘Short Man Syndrome’ has long been cited as the reason many vertically-challenged people try to over-achieve. The motivation is said to be a desire to compensate for their lack of physical stature. And it seems the theory may be at least partially true. A new study has found that shorter men are more prone to jealousy than their taller counterparts … by as much as 50%. Add that to previous findings suggesting that taller men have more attractive partners, more children, and higher wages and you can see why the wee folk develop a complex. (What say you, Mr Cruise?)
– “Daily Telegraph”

The average length of time you have to make a first impression is … 7 seconds. According to a new study from New York University, that’s the length of time it takes people to make 11 separate decisions about someone new they meet. Among those 11 decisions are a ranking of the person’s competence, credibility, honesty, and trustworthiness. Researchers note that most of us worry about what to say in new social situations, but it turns out the choice of words only counts for about 7% of the overall first impression. (The fake rubber nose & glasses count for much more.)
– “Social Studies”

MORE 3-D 4 U:
Four Hollywood movie studios have now signed on to a deal with distributors to adapt some 10,000 North American screens for new digital, 3-dimensional movies. Dreamworks honcho Jeffrey Katzenberg says that it’s the greatest innovation in the movie biz since the advent of color 70 years ago. Innovative it may be, but audiences will still have to wear special eyeglasses with polarized lenses separating the stereo images projected on uniquely coated screens. (They may be hi-tech … but they’re still goofy-lookin’!)
– “GQ”.

• The Joint Economic Committee of US Congress calculates that the amount of money spent EVERY DAY on the Iraq War is enough to enroll an additional 58,000 children in Head Start for a year, or make a year of college affordable for 160,000 low-income students through grants, or pay the annual salaries of nearly 11,000 additional border patrol agents or 14,000 more police
– “New York Times”
• Republican presidential hopeful John McCain, who turns 72 in AUGUST, has 13.1 more years to live, according to US government actuarial tables, although experts stress you can’t make reliable predictions about individual lifespans. Experts say the single most important factor in longevity calculations tends to be the lifespan of the mother. McCain’s is 96.
– AP


1933 [75] Sir Michael Caine (Maurice Micklewhite), London UK, movie actor (“Sleuth”, “Batman Begins”)/2 Academy Awards (“Cider House Rules”, “Hannah & Her Sisters”)  FACTOID: UK movie channel Sky Movies is celebrating his birthday by airing his films “Zulu” and the original “Italian Job”, which have now been digitally remastered in hi-def.

1933 [75] Quincy Jones, Chicago IL, pop/jazz artist/producer/composer with 26 Grammy Awards, more than any living recording artist

1948 [60] Billy Crystal, Long Beach NY, movie actor (“Cars”, “City Slickers”)/stand-up comedian  FACTOID: YESTERDAY he suited up with the NY Yankees for an exhibition game.

1958 [50] Prince Albert II of Monaco (Albert Alexandre Louis Pierre de Matignon-Grimaldi), Monte Carlo, Monaco, Monaco’s 32nd ruler following the 2005 death of his father, Prince Rainier

1959 [49] Tamara Tunie, McKeesport PA, TV actress (‘Dr Melinda Warner’ on “Law & Order: SVU” since 2000)

1970 [38] Kristian Bush, Knoxville TN, country singer/guitarist/mandolin player (Sugarland-“Stay”, “Want To”)

1979 [29] Chris Klein, Hinsdale IL, TV actor (‘Marty Tanner’ on “Welcome to the Captain”)/movie actor (“American Pie 1-2”)/Katie Holmes’ fiancé until Tom Cruise showed up

Filmmaker David Cronenberg (“Eastern Promises”) is 65; Classic rock singer/TV personality Bret Michaels (Poison) is 45; Pop singer/TV personality Mark McGrath (Sugar Ray) is 40; Rock bassist Mark Hoppus (Plus-44) is 36; TV actress Eva Longoria Parker (“Desperate Housewives”) is 33; Musician/producer (Black Eyed Peas) is 33; NHL player Darcy Tucker (Toronto Maple Leafs) is 33; DJ Joe Hahn (Linkin Park) is 31.

Comedian/movie actor Jerry Lewis (MD Telethon) is 82; TV/movie/Broadway actor Victor Garber (“Eli Stone”) is 59; Classic rock singer Nancy Wilson (Heart) is 54; Rapper/TV personality Flavor Flav (“Flavor of Love”) is 49; TV actress Lauren Graham (ex-“Gilmore Girls”) is 41; NHL player Greg Johnson (Detroit Red Wings) is 37.

• “Children’s Craft Day”. What crappy craft that you made as a child do you still have? Why?
• “Genius Day”, celebrated annually on the anniversary of the 1879 birth of Albert Einstein. Someone once said, “Common sense is instinct … and enough of it is genius.”
• “Potato Chip Day”, honoring North America’s favorite snack food. It was invented by chef George Crum on this day in 1853 at Moon’s Lake House resort in Saratoga Springs NY after an uppity diner complained the potato slices were too thick and sent them back to the kitchen. As a joke, Crum sliced a new batch of spuds paper-thin, fried them in boiling oil and salted them. The fussy patron and his friends loved the ‘crunchy potato slices’ which soon became known as ‘Saratoga chips’. Before long, grocery stores were selling them in bulk from large barrels. What’s the best flavored chip – sea salt & malt vinegar, steak & onion, dill pickle, all-dressed?
• “Save a Spider Day”, a day to appreciate arachnids and the webs they weave.
• “World Pi Day”, as in March 14 or 3/14 or 3.14 … get it? It honors the magic number for circles that expresses the ratio between radius and circumference. Supercomputers have computed pi to more than a trillion decimal places, which would take over 15,000 years to say out loud. How to celebrate this momentous occasion? Have yourself a piece of pi … a round one, of course.

• “Absolutely Incredible Kid Day”, when we’re encouraged to tell our kids how great they are. Sounds corny, but it’s a helluva investment in the future.
• “Buzzard’s Day”, traditionally the day that the buzzards return to Hinckley OH, yet another sign of impending Spring.
• “Ides of March”, when Julius Caesar was assassinated in 44 BC. It’s also the tongue-in-cheek observance “National Brutus Day”, recognizing the fact that no matter where you work, there’s as much backstabbing, plotting, and intrigue as there was back in ancient Rome. The word ‘ides’ simply means ‘middle’, so we can have the Ides of May, the Ides of July, or even the Ides of a workday. There’s nothing unlucky about it … unless you’re name happens to be Caesar.
• “Maple Syrup Saturday”, a celebration of the running of the sap from which they make liquid gold. About 75% of the world’s supply of maple syrup is produced in Québec.
• “Quilting Day”, celebrated annually on the 3rd SATURDAY of MARCH to honor the old-fashioned art-form that’s becoming lost in our hi-tech society. Check out the prices on homemade quilts and you just might want to take up the craft. Kind of a patched together observance, if you ask us.
• “True Confessions Day”, a good day to open up the ‘On-Air Confessional’ where anonymous callers shed their guilt by admitting their outrageous actions. You can even assign penance!

• “Everything You Do Is Right Day” … honey.
• “Freedom of Information Day”, celebrating the idea that all citizens in a democracy can access government information, if they have a lawyer, a dozen years to burn … and a bazillion bucks.
• “Lips Appreciation Day”, when we’re encouraged to do something nice for our lips … kiss somebody. Go ahead, pick someone at random and see how big the lawsuit is that ensues.

1958 [50] RIAA certifies the 1st ‘Gold Record’, Perry Como’s “Catch a Falling Star” (other recordings dating back as far as the 1920s may have sold a million records or more, but because there was no certification organization, they weren’t recognized)

1998 [10] “Nokia Presents The George Strait Chevy Truck Country Music Festival Brought To You By Wrangler” opens (likely setting some kind of record for sponsorship deals in a single event name)

1860 [148] 1st ‘Baseball Cap’ designed (the next day, some guy puts the 1st baseball cap on  backwards)

1923 [85] 1st ‘Play-by-Play Hockey Broadcast’ (Peter Parker calls Edmonton vs Regina)

1992 [16] Researchers announce that broccoli fights cancer (kids everywhere moan)

[Sun] Palm Sunday (Christian)
[Mon] St Patrick’s Day
[Mon] “Dancing With the Stars“ season debut (ABC)
[Mon] “How I Met Your Mother”/”Two & a Half Men (CBS) new post-strike episodes
[Mon] World Maritime Day
[Tues] Forgive Mom & Dad Day
[Thurs] 1st Day of Spring
This Week Is … Pulmonary Rehabilitation Week
This Month Is … International Mirth Month


You run down the list while your crew/guest/phone caller picks which choice sucks more …
• With only local anesthetic – eye cornea surgery OR open-heart surgery?
• Spending a night with Courtney Love OR spending a night with Barbara Walters?
• Working every Saturday for the rest of your working life OR working every holiday?
• Getting trapped in an elevator with George Clooney when you’re wearing an old housecoat, no makeup, and have garlic breath OR getting trapped in an elevator with “Girls Gone Wild” lecher Joe Francis when you’re dressed to the nines?
• Trying to quench your thirst with a chilled cup of someone else’s tears OR with a quart of hot water?
• Giving up your cellphone for life OR giving up dessert for life?
• Watching every single episode of Paris Hilton’s TV show “The Simple Life” one-after-another OR watching every “Dr Phil” show that ever aired back-to-back?
• Sleeping on the cold floor OR sleeping on a comfortable mattress with an indistinguishable, sticky stain on it?
• Wearing braces on your teeth as an adult for 5 years OR wearing a neck brace for 1 year?
• Telling your wife at a fashion show what a fat pig she is (with no explanation) OR booing your son while he’s playing in a school sport (with no explanation)?

[Sports guy] has a big weekend lined up … he’s getting a personality implant.

Today’s Question: A recent survey finds the average one THESE lasts about 10 hours.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A bad mood.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality.

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