Thursday, March 15, 2007        Edition: #3488
Beware the Ides of Bull!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT Steve Carell is being honored as ‘Comedy Star of the Year’ at the annual “ShoWest” movie industry convention in Las Vegas for his performance in “Little Miss Sunshine” (like most of these events – if you agree to attend, you get an award!) . . . TONIGHT on Carell’s TV show, “The Office”, NBC-TV has stitched together what’s being called a ‘newpeat’, using 2 reruns and some additional footage to create an hour-long sort-of-new episode (what’s that saying about a silk purse and a sow’s ear?) . . . 29-year-old New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady & 26-year-old model-girlfriend Gisele Bundchen are reportedly buying a house in New York and building a nursery in it – for the baby he’s expecting with his jilted previous girlfriend, 36-year-old actress Bridget Moynahan (as if she’s gonna give him access) . . . Not to be outdone, Anna Nicole Smith’s former boyfriend Larry Birkhead (one of the dozens claiming to be the father of her baby daughter, Dannielynn) is so confident about winning the paternity battle, he’s already putting a nursery together in his home (if you build it, she will come!) . . . Actress Kristy Swanson (“Dude, Where’s My Car?”) will play an ‘Anna Nicole-ish’ character in one of those “Law & Order” episodes ‘ripped from the headlines’ (NBC), with actor David Cross (“Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”) playing a ‘Howard K Stern-ish’ character (hey, saves money on writers thinking up storylines) . . . 25-year-old Britney Spears has reportedly hooked up with 33-year-old Jason Filyaw, lead guitarist of the rock band Riva, whom she met at an AA meeting and plans to move in with once she’s out of rehab (AA – the new singles’ bar) . . . Always looking to profit on publicity, Britney’s ex- Kevin Federline is pitching a new reality TV show based on his current situation – a clueless bachelor father with 2 toddler sons (could it be any worse than “Britney & Kevin: Chaotic”?) . . . “Grey’s Anatomy” star Sandra Oh apparently saves lives off-the-set as well, recently assisting a panicked mom in a San Fernando Valley store by holding the woman’s choking toddler upside-down and pounding his back until a stuck candy was dislodged (then, just for the helluva it, she performed a triple bypass) . . . And fashion model Naomi Campbell is planning to auction for charity the clothes she wears when she mops floors in NYC NEXT WEEK to fulfill her sentence of 5 days community service on an assault conviction (she’ll be wearing high-heeled Gum boots and saffron off-the-shoulder coveralls, accentuated with a matching satin Swiffer).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Aretha Franklin – The ‘Queen of Soul’ says she wants Academy Award-winner Jennifer Hudson to play her in an upcoming bio-film. What about current “American Idol” contestant (and likely winner) Lakisha Jones? She even looks like Aretha!
• Black Eyed Peas – Fergie was recently banned from boarding a flight from LA to the UK with bandmates Will.i.Am, Apl.De.Ap, and Taboo after being designated ‘too drunk to travel’.
• Fall Out Boy – They’re giving fans in each city they play on tour a chance to win one of a series of 45 posters, printed with ink containing blood from each member of the band.
• Madonna – Word has it she’s considering moving her family to NYC after becoming bored with the British lifestyle. She’s been spotted house-hunting in the Big Apple and is said to be particularly attracted to a $35-million, 6-story Manhattan townhouse.
• Omarion – TONIGHT he guests on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC).
• Whitney Houston – THIS WEEK she’s finally begun work on her comeback album at an LA recording studio. Music mogul Clive Davis has already selected some 7 tunes and lined up  John Legend and Ne-Yo to collaborate on the project.
• Willie Nelson – He’s launching his own record label, Pedernales Records, with a recording by 40 Points, a band fronted by his sons Lukas & Micah Nelson.

COMING ATTRACTIONS:
A selection of movies in the making …
• “The Changeling” – Angelina Jolie is in talks to star in this mystery to be directed by Clint Eastwood. The story centers around a woman who confronts corruption in the Los Angeles Police Department after her son is kidnapped and recovered. It doesn’t take long for her to suspect the boy who comes back is not hers.
• “Christmas in Wonderland” – The holiday decorations are going up again at West Edmonton Mall for shooting of this Santa-themed family flick starring Leslie Nielsen, Chris Kattan, and Ray Liotta. The story involves a 6-year-old girl whose family has moved from Los Angeles to Edmonton and ends up shopping at a ‘magical mall’ on Christmas Eve. Most of the movie is being shot at WEM but other locations around Edmonton are also being used. The movie is due for release this NOVEMBER.
• “The Dark Knight” – Looks like Maggie Gyllenhaal is picking up where Katie Holmes left off. She’s been tapped to replace Mrs Cruise and star opposite Christian Bale in the role of ‘Rachel Dawes‘ in the next “Batman” movie. The sequel co-stars Heath Ledger as ‘The Joker’ and Aaron Eckhart as villain ‘Harvey Dent’. It’s due in theaters in JULY 2008.
• “The Frog Princess” – Disney returns to hand-drawn animation with this feature-length musical set in New Orleans’ French Quarter that’s slated to hit theaters in 2009. The film will feature music by 17-time Oscar nominee Randy Newman. The fairytale’s heroine, ‘Maddy’, will be the first African-American ‘princess’ in the Disney cartoon library.
• “Sweeney Todd” – Filming on Johnny Depp’s latest movie has been put on hold until his 7-year-old daughter Lily-Rose is fully recovered from her recent illness. The film is a bigscreen version of the stage musical about a serial-killing 19th-century barber. Depp will team up once again with eccentric director Tim Burton when shooting begins at England’s Pinewood Studios.

LIFE BY THE NUMBERS:
A snapshot of who we are and what we do …
• 70% of women say their biggest regret from high school days is … their hairstyle.
• 63% of women say it’s a real turnoff when a guy gives a name to his privates.
• 35% of us would change the way we dress if our partner asked us.
• 23% of men but only 7% of women can perform the 2-finger whistle.
• 12% of us have had at least 3 unrequited loves in our lives. Aww!
• 6% of Canadians handle stress by doing … absolutely nothing.

BS INTERNATIONAL MOOS:
• In Britain, a large wall mural by ‘guerilla artist’ Banksy has been accidentally painted over by … graffiti removal contractors. The 25-foot-long artwork on the side of a Bristol municipal building is now completely covered in black paint. Banksy artworks have sold for more than $200,000.
• In Russia, billionaire bon vivant Mikhail Prokhorov would apparently rather wed a stranger than lose a bet. A lavish wedding with 700 guests is being planned in the Maldives to coincide with his 42nd birthday MAY 3rd. The Moscow businessman is intent on proving wrong a buddy who wagered he would still be single at 42. The catch … even Prokhorov doesn’t yet know who he’s going to wed!
• In Germany, a 91-year-old man has been rescued after he was spotted … glued to his roof. It seems the elderly handyman was re-coating his roof with tar when he slipped and became stuck ‘like a beetle on its back’. Passers-by thought he was attempting suicide and alerted the Magdeburg police.
• In Sweden, a district court has rejected the odd defense presented by a woman charged with public indecency. The 49-year-old woman & a 29-year-old man were arrested for doing the nasty in a public park near Stockholm. The woman claimed the young man suffered from epilepsy, had a seizure and fell over writhing … on top of her. Unfortunately, police already had a confession from her pantsless partner. They’ve each been fined $70.

EVERYBODY PANIC!
THIS WEEK’s early switch to Daylight Saving Time has mental health experts concerned that people suffering Seasonal Affective Disorder (‘SAD’) will have a setback. Why? Research shows that it’s the delay in sunrise, not the overall hours of sunlight, that has the biggest effect on mood during winter. People living in the north have more depression, but so do people who live on the western edge of each time zone – where the sun rises later. (All this angst over a lousy lost hour is silly. [Co-host] has lost entire weekends!)
– “Los Angeles Times”

DID YOU KNOW?
• XM radio is now counting satellite radios installed in new cars as ‘subscribers’, even those in vehicles that have not yet been sold. (That’s nothing, our sales department counts the foetuses of our pregnant listeners!)
• According to “Harrowsmith Country Life” magazine, only half of the paper submitted for recycling has been used on both sides. (We’re guessing even less is true for Kleenex.)
• The louder you yell, the less likely your kids will hear you, according to “Redbook”. Seems children with screaming parents learn to tune them out and actually misbehave more often. (Are you listening, boss?)
• “New Woman” magazine says black lingerie appeals to both males and females. Red lingerie, however, is purchased mostly by men, who find it far more enticing than women. (That’s why your hubby likes to watch TV while sprawling on the sofa in a scarlet negligée.)

AND WE QUOTE:
“When I came back from Vancouver, I brought a couple tubs of Canadian maple syrup and it got confiscated. Since December I’ve been obsessed with the idea of eating maple syrup.”
– Franz Ferdinand singer and former chef Alex Kapranos, who’s missing the taste of Canada while living and working in NYC. (Since when does it come in ‘tubs’?)
“Why does everyone keep telling me I have to take care of Britney? She’s an EX-girlfriend! Doesn’t anyone get it? We’re NOT together anymore. I am so totally over her!”
– Justin Timberlake, as quoted in “National Enquirer”. Apparently he isn’t interested in bringing BritneyBack.

THE BULL SHEET 03.15.07

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1940 [67] Phil Lesh (Chapman), Berkeley CA, classic rock bassist (Grateful Dead-“Touch Of Grey”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (1994)/Courtney Love’s godfather

1941 [66] Mike Love, Baldwin Hills CA, oldies singer (Beach Boys-“Good Vibrations”, “California Girls”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (1988)/Brian Wilson’s cousin

1943 [64] Sly Stone (Sylvester Stewart), Dallas TX, oldies singer/keyboardist (Sly & the Family Stone-“Family Affair”, “Everyday People”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (1993)

1943 [64] David Cronenberg, Toronto ON, filmmaker (“A History of Violence”, “The Fly”)

1968 [39] Mark McGrath, Hartford CT, TV anchor (“Extra!” since 2004)/pop singer (w/Shania Twain-“Party for Two”, Sugar Ray-“Fly”)

1972 [35] Mark Hoppus, Ridgecrest CA, rock musician (+44-“When Your Heart Stops Beating”, ex-Blink 182-“I Miss You”)

1975 [32] Darcy Tucker, Castor AB, NHL center (Toronto Maple Leafs)

1975 [32] Eva Longoria, Corpus Christi TX, TV actress (‘Gabrielle Solis’ on “Desperate Housewives” since 2004)/engaged to NBA player Tony Parker

1975 [32] Will.i.am (William Adams Jr), LA CA, rapper/hip-hop musician (Black Eyed Peas-“My Humps”, “Where Is The Love?”)

1977 [30] Joe Hahn, Glendale CA, nu metal DJ (Linkin Park-“Numb/Encore”, “In the End”)

1981 [26] Young Buck (David Darnell Brown), Nashville TN, rapper (“Shorty Wanna Ride”)/member of 50 Cent’s G Unit

TODAY‘S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Absolutely Incredible Kid Day”, when we’re encouraged to tell our kids how great they are. Sounds corny, but it’s a helluva investment in the future.

• “Buzzard’s Day”, traditionally the day that the buzzards return to Hinckley OH, yet another sign of impending Spring.

• “Ides of March”, when Julius Caesar was assassinated in 44 BC. It’s also the tongue-in-cheek observance “National Brutus Day”, recognizing the fact that no matter where you work, there’s as much backstabbing, plotting and intrigue as there was back in ancient Rome. The word ‘ides’ simply means ‘middle’, so we can have the Ides of May, the Ides of July, or even the Ides of a movie. There’s nothing unlucky about it … unless you’re name happens to be Caesar.

• “True Confessions Day”, a good day to open up the ‘Morning Crew Confessional’ where anonymous callers shed their guilt by admitting their outrageous actions. You can even assign penance!

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1982 [25] “The Great White North” album by Bob & Doug McKenzie (SCTV) is certified Gold

TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1869 [138] Cincinnati Red Stockings become 1st ‘Pro Baseball Team’

1892 [115] 1st ‘Escalator’, the ‘Reno Inclined Elevator’ (next day, 1st user is strangled by long scarf)

1999 [08] 1st time Dow Jones Average tops 10,000-point threshold

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1952 [55] ‘Greatest Precipitation in 24 Hours’ is set with 1869.9 mm (73.62 inches) falling at Cilaos, La Reunion Island in the Indian Ocean

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] Everything You Do Is Right Day
[Fri] Freedom of Information Day
[Fri] Lips Appreciation Day
[Fri] “Dead Silence”; I Think I Love My Wife”; “Premonition” open in movie theaters
[Sat] St Patrick’s Day
[Sat] Maple Syrup Saturday
[Sat] Submarine Day
[Sat] World Maritime Day
[Sun] Quilting Day
[Sun] Forgive Mom & Dad Day
This Week Is … Pulmonary Rehabilitation Week (“Clear!” ZAP!)
This Month Is … Humorists Are Artists Month (and this morning’s show is your masterpiece!)

BULL’S BITS

BS HORRIBLESCOPES:
Use ‘em all at once or one-at-a-time as the zodiac reading of the day …
• Aries – Today you will discover a hair growing in an odd place. Don’t worry about it … unless the odd place is your tongue.
• Taurus – Your morning grumpiness and sluggishness will vanish when you discover the problem was using the wrong type of deodorant soap. Soon you’ll be stepping out of the shower, grinning like an imbecile!
• Gemini –  Follow your dream … but not too closely because if it stops really quick you might run into it.
• Cancer – This may be a good time to take up squid farming … provided you can figure out what type of hat to wear.
• Leo – Helpful tip: It is not clever to greet your friend by asking “How’s your wife and my kids?”
• Virgo – Unfortunately for you, it’s going to be a bad hair day … a bad NOSE-hair day.
• Libra – Never eat spinach with a stranger.
• Scorpio – Yes, the corpse in the corner of your office cubicle is starting to stink but that’s not the smell your co-workers are complaining about. It’s time to change your socks!
• Sagittarius – Yelling “Get it off me! Get it off me!” might not have been the best reaction when your boss’ 4-year-old daughter tried to give you a hug.
• Capricorn – It’s time to stop beating around the bush. Move on to beating around the ornamental shrubbery.
• Aquarius – You are at a turning point in your life. Turn left.
• Pisces – Don’t fear the reaper. Fear that thing he uses to chop off your head!

BS RANDOM JOKE:
I’ve found the ultimate diet! You can eat anything you want, but you have to eat it with naked fat people.

BS ST PADDY’S DAY TRIVIA:
• What’s the official ‘weed’ of St Patrick’s Day? [The shamrock, which is actually a weed from the clover family, according to the Irish Tourist Board.]
• You’re in a pub in Dublin, Ireland on St Patrick’s Day, but you have laryngitis so you’re forced to write down your order of a double Irish whiskey for the bartender. How do you spell ‘whiskey’? [Whiskey in Ireland is spelled with an 'e' before the 'y’. Scottish Whisky (or Scotch) is spelled without the 'e.' The same applies to the US vs Canada.]

BS INTERVIEW:
One of the world’s weirdest golf tournaments, the 21st annual “Bering Sea Ice Golf Classic”, tees off this SATURDAY in Nome, Alaska. Participants attempt to sink bright orange balls into flagged coffee cans sunk into the frozen sea on a 6-hole course. Par is 41. Entry fee includes golf balls, tees (old shotgun shells), snake bite remedies (small bottles of vodka) and an official certificate proving you survived.
PHONER: 907.443.6624 (Nome Visitors Bureau)/907.443.5904 (Bering Sea Lion’s Club)

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 3 out of 4 workplaces have needed Human Resources to handle THIS problem.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Smelly employees.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Sane is just another word for boring as dirt.


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