March 14, 2007

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Wednesday, March 14, 2007        Edition: #3487
Don’t You Love the Smell of BS in the Morning?

TODAY through Sunday, the annual “South by Southwest Music Conference” in Austin TX highlights independent acts from all genres of music (THIS YEAR’s featured artists include country singer Tracy Byrd, British pop singer Aqualung, and retro-punkers The Stooges) . . . THIS WEEK 75-year-old TV personality Regis Philbin is undergoing heart bypass surgery after suffering recent chest pains and shortness of breath (already had surgery for blocked arteries in 1993 and 2000 – isn’t it time to retire, guy?) . . . An all-star album of John Lennon cover songs is due out JUNE 12th to benefit Amnesty International’s campaign to end the Darfur genocide and among the featured acts will be: Green Day doing “Working Class Hero”; U2 on “Instant Karma”; “Mother” by Christina Aguilera; and “Power to the People” by Black Eyed Peas . . . This celeb couple has reportedly split – actress/singer Mandy Moore & Adam ‘DJ AM’ Goldstein (Nicole Richie’s ex-) . . . This celeb couple has reportedly hooked up – singer Ashlee Simpson & actor Ryan Phillippe (Reese Witherspoon’s ex-) . . . Anna Nicole Smith’s designer pal Bobby Trendy is campaigning to get her a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame (she deserves it for, what, dying with flair?) . . . And in Anna Nicole Smith’s final movie, “Illegal Aliens” (scheduled for a straight-to-DVD release in MAY), she plays a space alien trying to stop an intergalactic terrorist (wrestler Chyna Doll) whom she fears will administer mind-controlling suppositories (as well as a Walk of Fame star, there may be a posthumous “Razzie Award” for Anna, as well!).

• Aerosmith – A Charlottetown PEI promoter is close to signing the rock icons for a major concert THIS SUMMER. Local city council has cleared the way by agreeing to pay for police & fire services.
• Carrie Underwood – She’ll become just the 5th country artist to perform on “Saturday Night Live” (NBC) when Super Bowl champion QB Peyton Manning hosts the show MARCH 24th.
• Diana Ross – TONIGHT she performs on the “American Idol” results show after serving as THIS WEEK’s celebrity coach for the 12 finalists.
• Evanescence – TONIGHT Amy Lee’s band does “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC).
• Finger Eleven – TONIGHT they perform on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel).
• Franz Ferdinand – They’re replacing their trademark guitars with synthesisers for their 3rd studio album. Why? Guitarist Nick McCarthy says, “There are too many guitar bands out there now.”
• Hellogoodbye – TONIGHT they guest on “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC).
• John Denver – Colorado legislators have just made his 1973 classic “Rocky Mountain High” the state’s ‘second official song’.
• Mariah Carey – An autographed 16-foot-high replica of her legs used as an advertising piece for Gillette Venus has sold on eBay to benefit the Fresh Air Fund. The gams garnered $585.
• Paul McCartney – He could be the first act signed by Starbucks Records as the coffee chain launches its own record label, Hear Music, and produces its own artists.

New terms leaking into the lingo …
• ‘Hobeau’ – A non-hygienic boyfriend. (“He is such a hobeau with his straggly hair and beard. He hasn’t showered since they invented water, but I love him anyway.”)
• ‘Swamp-Donkey’ – Someone extremely ugly. (“She is such a swamp-donkey with her straggly hair and beard. She hasn’t showered since they invented water, but I love her anyway.”)
• ‘Tourist Pollution’ – The downside of living in a popular travel destination: Crowds, the trash they leave, tour-bus fumes, full parking lots, long lines, people asking dumb questions …

It seems ‘screenagers’ hooked on the ‘Net are not just a Western phenomenon. China has launched military-style boot camps to deal with a teenage generation of Internet junkies. The clinics, run by army officers, include a 6:15 am wake-up call; a rigorous exercise program; drug therapy; acupuncture; and mild electric shocks to ‘stimulate’ nerve impulses. A spokesman claims the program has cured about 70% of the young addicts treated so far. (Unfortunately, they now suffer from a permanent blank stare and uncontrollable drooling.)

A new study by a British team of psychologists may offer a worthwhile tip for charities and other organizations looking for donations. After being shown a variety of funny and serious video clips, test subjects were found to be far more likely to give money to strangers after watching the humorous material. The researchers believe that’s because laughter acts as a ‘social lubricant which enhances a sense of group identity among strangers’. Yeah, right. In any event, the bottom line is humor works better than serious begging & pleading when asking for donations. (Hopefully someone from PBS is listening.)
– PA News

A few tips from food-safety experts on preparing produce for consumption …
• Almost all fruits & vegetables need to be washed to remove dirt, germs and pesticide residue.
• Even items with thick skins and/or rinds that are not eaten should be washed.
• Wash produce just before it is eaten. Doing it in advance can reduce shelf life and promote bacterial growth.
• Don’t clean produce with soap. Use running water and keep it submerged for 20 seconds.
• If you use a scrubber, wash it after each use to kill bacteria. Tossing it in the dishwasher is the easiest and most effective way.
Why all the fuss over something as simple as eating a banana? One expert notes that as many as 100 people handle that banana before you do. (Including that pimply kid with the runny nose that works at your local supermarket.)
– Associated Press

Scientists at New York University have successfully managed to wipe a single, specific memory from the brains of rats, leaving all other recollections intact. The feat, reminiscent of the Jim Carrey/Kate Winslet movie “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”, was accomplished using a drug known to cause limited amnesia. Unfortunately, ‘U0126′ is not yet approved for use in humans, but it’s hoped the research may one day help relieve post-traumatic stress disorder and those suffering from fearful memories that disrupt their lives. (If you could wipe out a single memory, what would it be? That hairy-backed naked wrestling scene in “Borat” perhaps?)

In Japan, fortune-tellers are advising those who want to be successful in life to start by … scrubbing the bathroom. The new book, “Cleaning the Toilet to Attract Luck”, is the latest in a series advising readers on how to attract good fortune through bathroom hygiene, an idea that has been popularized in magazines and TV programs. Linking a clean toilet to good fortune and perhaps even greater beauty has existed in the country for a long time, according to the book’s editor Yuka Soma. (Yeah, that’s what most people are thinking while scrubbing a toilet – “Man, I’m one lucky bastard!”)
– “Social Studies”

A Northern Ireland undertaker has begun broadcasting funerals live on the Internet, thereby allowing mourners worldwide to watch the funeral services of loved ones. S Clarke & Son Funeral Directors says people from as far afield as New Zealand, Spain, Australia, and Canada have registered in the online funeral guest book. But don’t expect any cheap thrills if you’re some kind of ghoulish voyeur. To maintain privacy, only family and friends issued with a password can view the service, a copy of which can be recorded and kept. (As opposed to selling worldwide screen rights like Howard K Stern.)
– BBC News

According to the first data from the 2006 Canadian census, almost half of Canadians (45%) now live in the 6 largest cities: Toronto, Montreal, Vancouver, Ottawa-Gatineau, Calgary, and Edmonton.
– “Globe & Mail”

According to a survey of bar sales across America …
5. Gimlet
4. Bloody Mary
3. Whiskey Sour
2. Manhattan
1. Dry Martini


1933 [74] Quincy Jones, Chicago IL, pop/jazz artist/producer/composer with 26 Grammy Awards, more than any living recording artist

1933 [74] Sir Michael Caine (Maurice Micklewhite), London UK, movie actor (“The Prestige”, “Batman Begins”)/2 Academy Awards (“Cider House Rules”, “Hannah & Her Sisters”)

1947 [60] Billy Crystal, Long Beach NY, movie actor (“Cars”, “City Slickers”)/stand-up comedian

1958 [49] Prince Albert II of Monaco (Albert Alexandre Louis Pierre de Matignon-Grimaldi), Monte Carlo, Monaco, Monaco’s 32nd ruler following the 2005 death of his father, Prince Rainier

1959 [48] Tamara Tunie, McKeesport PA, TV actress (‘Dr Melinda Warner’-“Law & Order: SVU”)

1970 [37] Kristian Bush, Knoxville TN, country singer/guitarist/mandolin player (Sugarland-“Settlin’”, “Want To”)

1979 [28] Chris Klein, Hinsdale IL, movie actor (“We Were Soldiers”, “American Pie 1-2”)/Katie Holmes’ fiancé until Tom Cruise showed up

• “Children’s Craft Day”. What‘s the best thing you ever made out of a child? If you get them to hold a lightbulb and wear a lampshade, they make a nice table lamp … what? Oh, it’s about children DOING crafts. Hmm, not so interesting then.

• “Genius Day”, celebrated annually on the anniversary of the 1879 birth of Albert Einstein. Someone once said, “Common sense is instinct … and enough of it is genius.”

• “Potato Chip Day”, honoring North America’s favorite snack food. It was invented by chef George Crum in 1853 at Moon’s Lake House resort in Saratoga Springs NY after an uppity diner complained that the potatoes were too thick and sent them back to the kitchen. As a joke, Crum sliced a new batch of spuds paper-thin, fried them in boiling oil and salted them. The fussy patron and his friends loved the ‘crunchy potato slices’ which soon became known as ‘Saratoga chips’. Before long, grocery stores were selling them in bulk from large barrels. What’s the best flavored chip – jalapeno, sea salt & malt vinegar, steak & onion, dill pickle, all-dressed?

• “Save a Spider Day”, a day to appreciate arachnids and the webs they weave.

• “World Pi Day”, as in March 14 or 3/14 or 3.14 – get it? It honors the magic number for circles that expresses the ratio between radius and circumference. Supercomputers have computed pi to more than a trillion decimal places, which would take over 15,000 years to say out loud. LAST FALL Akira Haraguchi, a 60-year-old mental health counselor in Japan, accurately recited pi to an unofficial record of 100,000 decimal places; it took him 16 hours. Pi is not just an obsession for math geeks anymore. Givenchy makes a ‘Pi’ perfume; Kate Bush sings its digits in a song; and YouTube has stocks of videos of people reading pi into the camera. So how to celebrate this momentous occasion? Why not have yourself a piece of pi … a round one, of course.

1998 [09] “Nokia Presents The George Strait Chevy Truck Country Music Festival Brought To You By Wrangler” opens (likely setting some kind of record for sponsorship deals in an event name)

1860 [147] 1st ‘Baseball Cap’ designed (the next day, some guy puts the 1st baseball cap on  backwards)

1923 [84] 1st ‘Play-by-Play Hockey Broadcast’ (Peter Parker-Edmonton vs Regina)

1992 [15] Researchers announce that broccoli fights cancer (kids everywhere moan)

[Thurs] Ides of March
[Thurs] Buzzard’s Day
[Thurs] Absolutely Incredible Kid Day
[Thurs] True Confessions Day
[Fri] Everything You Do Is Right Day
[Fri] Freedom of Information Day
[Fri] Lips Appreciation Day
[Fri] “I Think I Love My Wife”; “Premonition”; “Shooter”; “Sunshine” open in movie theaters
This Week Is … Pulmonary Rehabilitation Week
This Month Is … International Mirth Month


• The incredibly beautiful heroine is having no luck attracting the attention of any male at all.
• The incredibly beautiful heroine is engaged to someone for whom she’s just not suitable.
• Her best male friend is gay.
• There’s a feisty female sidekick who cuts the fiancé down to size with well-aimed quips.
• All women in the film sit talking to each other with their knees tucked up to their chins, holding steaming beverages with both hands.
• The hero will say “I love you” while she is in the middle of a long, fast, frivolous speech. She will carry on speaking for 5 seconds before stopping and saying, “What did you just say?” He repeats, “I love you.” They kiss.
– “GQ” magazine

Ask listeners to suggest 3 words that will never be heard together. A few primers …
• Income Tax Discontinued
• Van Halen Reunion
• Osama’s Bin Captured
• Wild Hogs 2
• Inexpensive Plumbing Repair
• Paul Abdul Coherent
• Sweet Smelling Diaper
• Gasoline Prices Plummet
• Prime Minister Dion
• President John Edwards
• It’s My Round!

• What price would entice you to download a movie legally? (A new study by market research firm Advanis finds the average consumer would be willing to pay no more than $2.59. It also notes that only 21% of current movie downloads are legal.)
• What’s the weirdest thing you’ve requested from a hotel while staying there? (In a recent poll of the professional society of concierges, some of the more unusual recent front-desk requests have included shipping a couple hundred miles of barbed wire to South America; and obtaining a copy of the “NY Times” … from September 17, 1957.)

You run down the list while your crew/guest/phone caller picks which choice sucks more …
• A date with bad body odor OR A date with really bad breath?
• Overdressed at a casual party OR Underdressed at a formal party?
• Mental abuse OR Physical abuse?
• A condescending person OR A patronizing person?
• Being dirty and having clean clothes OR Being clean and having dirty clothes?
• Having 4 fingers on each hand OR Having only 1 eyebrow for the rest of your life?
• Never being able to shower again OR Never being able to brush your teeth again?
• Your single Mom dating a guy who is a complete loser OR Your single Mom dating a guy you already dated?
• Being stuck on a desert island alone OR Being stuck on a desert island with your worst enemy?
• To have a job you love but get paid little OR To have a job you hate but get paid really well?

Today’s Question: Just 20 years ago, 34% of THESE did not exist.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Food items in the supermarket.

It is not the lofty sails but the unseen wind that moves the ship.

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