Tuesday, March 13, 2007        Edition: #3486
Sheet For Brains!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY 60-year-old Sylvester Stallone will be formally charged in an Australian court with unknown offences related to his recent run-in with Aussie customs officials over banned substances found in his luggage (are hair-coloring and Metamucil verboten Down Under?) . . . TODAY Comedy Central begins offering uncensored episodes of “South Park” for download, 6 days after the original telecast (and the TV-Internet merge gets one step closer) . . . Hollywood producer Sidney Kimmel has bought the former home of late “Tonight Show” host Johnny Carson for a whopping $40 million, a 4-acre Malibu CA mansion on a cliff-top (Carson’s widow Alexis can now almost afford to stay in a retirement home) . . . Mega-rich golfer Tiger Woods is planning to tear down his $49-million Florida mansion on Jupiter Island in order to build – a more ‘modest’ home of half the size for his wife and expected first child (in his current 23,000 sq ft monster house, you could lose a kid for a week at a time!) . . . Actress Jennifer Garner is taking an online political science course to help her keep up with her politically active hubby Ben Affleck (in return, Ben should take an online course – in acting) . . . 41-year-old Canadian-born model Linda Evangelista is reportedly pregnant again, just 5 months after giving birth to her first child (the unnamed father might be her current boyfriend, Hard Rock Café founder Peter Morton) . . . Actor Russell Crowe has asked Giorgio Armani to design clothing for the Rabbitohs, the Australian rugby team that he co-owns (off-field attire includes a pinstripe jacket in the team colors, red & green – ick!) . . . And according to Amazon.com, the recently released “Borat” DVD is the most-ordered product by far – in Kazakhstan (Kazaks are apparently desperate to improve upon their cultural learnings).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Cake – The new limited-edition CD “B-Sides And Rarities” from the quirky “Short Skirt, Long Jacket” band will feature album art that’s ‘scratch ‘n sniff’. There’s no release date as yet.
• Dierks Bentley – TONIGHT the “Long Trip Alone” singer guests on “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” (CBS).
• Evanescence – TONIGHT they perform on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel).
• Garth Brooks – He recently came out of retirement briefly to perform a private show for some 2,000 Wal-Mart employees at a company convention in Nashville TN. Why? His CDs are now sold exclusively at Wal-Mart.
• Neil Young – On the heels of the first release in his ‘Archives Performance’ series LAST FALL, another vintage concert is out TODAY, “Live At Massey Hall”, which many consider a landmark solo performance recorded January 19, 1971 in Toronto.
• Rolling Stones – Bill Wyman’s coffee table book about his life as the group’s former bassist, “Rolling With The Stones”, has now surpassed the 400,000 copy benchmark in worldwide sales. It was first released in 2002.
• Also on CD TODAY: “Stax 50: A 50th Anniversary Celebration”, a deluxe edition 50-song, 2-disc box set celebrating the 50th birthday of the legendary soul label which includes restored tracks by Sam & Dave, Otis Redding, Booker T & the MGs, etc.

TODAY’S VIDEO RELEASES:
• “Casino Royale” ( Action Thriller ): In the 21st ‘James Bond’ adventure, Daniel Craig makes his debut as ‘007′ (he was mercilessly attacked before the release, then universally praised after). For his mission against bad-guy ‘Le Chiffre’ (Mads Mikkelsen), banker to the world’s terrorist organizations, ‘M’ places ‘Bond’ under the watchful eye of the beguiling ‘Vesper Lynd’ (Eva Green). Based on author Ian Fleming’s first ‘Bond’ novel, published in 1953. With over $593 million in worldwide box office, it’s the most successful movie of the most successful franchise in film history.
• “The Holiday” ( Romantic Comedy ): Cameron Diaz & Kate Winslet play 2 women troubled with guy-problems who swap homes in each other’s countries (America & Britain), where they each meet and fall in love with local guys, played by Jude Law and – yep, starring in a rom-com – Jack Black. The hot soundtrack features everything from the Killers and Jet to Al Green and Aretha Franklin.
• Also on DVD TODAY: “Ghost: Special Collector’s Edition”; “ I Love Lucy: The Complete 7th, 8th & 9th Seasons”; and “Without a Trace: The Complete 2nd Season”.

HIS-AND-HERS ROOMS:
A new survey by the National Association of Home Builders predicts that by 2015, more than 60% of all custom-built houses will have dual bedrooms for hubby and wife. The poll further confirms an increasingly popular recent trend of couples reconfiguring their homes with separate bedrooms. Fear not! It’s not some massive marriage breakdown. Sociologists and couples themselves say it has less to do with lovemaking and more to do with snoring and general sleeping habits. Some say it reflects the changing role of women in society, as it’s more important than ever for them to get adequate sleep. Often couples report an improvement in their marriage after implementing the 2-bedroom approach to sleeping. (Like I’ve told you a thousand times, it all comes down to keeping the freakin’ covers tucked in at the bottom of the bed … oh, sorry.)
– “New York Times”

DRIVE-THRU DEATH:
An undertaker in Spartanburg SC has opened a drive-thru funeral parlor that allows mourners to view the deceased without having to make the tremendous effort of getting out of the car. Open caskets are placed by windows so that grieving friends and family can drive by and pay their respects. And the funeral home thoughtfully stays open until midnight, allowing busy mourners more flexibility in viewing hours. (And why not install an ATM at the end of the lane so you can cash in on the will quickly too?)
– “GQ”

MOST COMMON ER CASES:
Gun shot wounds? Stabbings? Impalements? Nope. Here’s what most patients admitted to hospital emergency rooms complain about …
5. Cough.
4. Headache.
3. Fever.
2. Chest pain.
1. Stomach & abdominal pain or cramps.
– Center for Health Statistics

ECO-BOINKING:
Ecological activist group Greenpeace has published “The Guide To Environmentally Friendly Sex”, a list of rules for ‘getting it on for the good of the planet’. The guide suggests turning off the lights to conserve energy (if you prefer to see your partner, they propose you get down-and-dirty during the day). It also advises avoiding fossil fuel-based lubricants like petroleum jelly, as multinational oil companies are rapidly draining the planet of this finite resource. Other ways to make doing the nasty nicer for the Earth …
• Don’t involve any genetically engineered fruit.
• If you’re gonna do it in the yard, make sure there are no pesticides in the grass.
• Don’t wear anything PVC or vinyl, but rubber or leather is good.
• And take a shower together to conserve water.
– Ming.tv

THE BODY BEETLE:
Japanese researchers have developed a prototype miniature robot that can be inserted through an incision and used to perform medical procedures deep inside the body. The beetle-shaped robot, which weighs just 5 grams and measures 2 cm (0.79 ins) in length and 1 cm in diameter, is the result of 3 years of development. (Ew, what’s that crawling up my leg?)
– AFP

TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:
• In Germany, the Social Democrat political party is convinced it would be a ‘symbolic step’ against Austrian-born Adolf Hitler to strip him of his German citizenship … 62 years after his death. The party will file a motion to review whether his citizenship, originally granted in 1932, can be dissolved. (Yeah, that’ll teach the bastard!)
• In Britain, a 54-year-old Trekkie is selling his bachelor pad in Hinckley that’s modeled in minute detail after … “Starship Voyager”. The 1-bedroom flat features touch-screen lighting, molded wall panels and its own transporter room, complete with sound effects. Asking price – about $965,000. Tony Alleyne says he began transforming the place after his wife left him in 1994. (Gee, wonder what convinced her to ditch the dweeb?)
• In Switzerland, an elderly Geneva woman has won the first-ever beauty pageant for pensioners, entitled … ‘Miss Retirement Home’. Organizers say the pageant was partly a protest against our preoccupation with youth. In order to qualify, contestants had to be 70-plus, living alone, and capable of walking without aid. (Reports say the swimsuit competition was especially inspiring.)

FOR THE RECORD:
• A monstrous 438-ft yacht currently being built in Genoa, Italy will be the world’s most expensive private vessel when it’s completed in 2010. It boasts 7 decks, 15 staterooms, gold and marble bathroom fittings, Jacuzzis, an enclosed gym, a sun deck, and a helicopter pad, as well as jet skis and speed boats. Over the past 2 decades, billionaires have been competing to outdo one another with these ‘giga-yachts’. The owner of this one is undisclosed. And, oh yeah, the price tag – 140 million euros or about $184 million.
– “The Telegraph”
• The Trifecta Restaurant & Sports Lounge in downtown Los Angeles has started offering customers an all-beef, foot-long gourmet hot dog, served with brown mustard, ketchup, New York-style onions and sauerkraut on a buttered bun. Mmm, sounds good and it ought to be – it just may be the world’s most expensive dog, at 15 bucks a pop!
– “Los Angeles Times”

DID YOU KNOW?
On average, women go to bed at 11:02 pm on workdays and 11:42 pm on non-workdays.
– “Sleep Foundation”

THE BULL SHEET 03.13.07

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1939 [68] Neil Sedaka, Brooklyn NY, oldies singer/songwriter (“Breaking Up Is Hard to Do”, “Calendar Girl”)

1950 [57] William H Macy, Miami FL, movie actor (“Wild Hogs”, “Fargo”)/Mr Felicity Huffman since 1997

1960 [47] Adam Clayton, Chinnor UK, rock bassist (U2-“Window in the Skies”, “Vertigo”)

1975 [32] Glenn Lewis (Ricketts), Toronto ON, R&B singer (“Don’t You Forget It”, “The Thing To Do”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Genealogy Day”, highlighting the study of ancestry and family histories. Got any deadwood in your family tree? Search your surname here and find out …
NET: http://genealogy.about.com/od/surnames/a/surname_meaning.htm (scroll to the bottom part of the page)

• “Good Samaritan Day”. Here’s what it’s all about – on this date in 1964, Queens NY bar manager Kitty Genovese was stabbed to death while 38 people looked the other way, claiming they didn’t want to get involved. Since then at least 5 states, including Massachusetts, Minnesota, Rhode Island, Vermont & New Jersey, have introduced ‘Good Samaritan’ laws, making it a punishable offense to witness a violent crime and not report it to the police ASAP. (Who’s gonna report anything involving someone named ‘Genovese’?)

• “Open an Umbrella Indoors Day”, when celebrants are encouraged to challenge the old superstition and note whether any bad luck befalls them. Likely observed on the anniversary of some idiot getting poked in the eye.

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1781 [226] Sir William Herschel discovers ‘Uranus’ (Sir Bill was apparently a proctologist)

1877 [130] 1st ‘Earmuffs’ patented (Chester Greenwood of Farmington, Maine)

1894 [113] 1st professional ‘Striptease’ (Divan Fayonau Music Hall in Paris, France)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] Potato Chip Day
[Wed] Save a Spider Day
[Wed] World Pi Day
[Thurs] Ides of March
[Thurs] Buzzard’s Day
[Thurs] Absolutely Incredible Kid Day
[Thurs] True Confessions Day
This Week Is … Older Persons Employment Week
This Month Is … Professional Social Work Month

BULL’S BITS

MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• How come rodeos never have cow riding events for women?
• Do bald people ever have ‘bad head’ days’?
• If you pull the wings off a fly, does it become a ‘walk’?
• Should you trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent?
• Does gun control mean holding it in both hands?

BS ‘5 IN 10’ GAME:
Your contestant has 10 seconds to name 5 items in each category …
• 5 Canadian politicians.
• 5 capital cities.
• 5 names of foreign currency.
• 5 schoolyard games.
• 5 dumb nicknames.

BS ‘KNOW YOUR ORGAN’ QUIZ:
Q: What is the only ‘temporary organ’ in the human body?
A: Now that’s a brain buster, ain’t it? Bet you didn’t think of the ‘placenta’. Formed at conception, it exists solely to provide life support for an unborn baby, then is discarded at birth.
– “Sudden Facts”

Q: What organ gradually gets smaller the longer you live?
A: Clean up your mind! It’s the ‘thymus’, a small organ under the breastbone. It is largest at puberty, then gradually dwindles and almost disappears. Scientists believe it plays a key role in developing immunity.
– “Triviaville”

BS PHONE STARTERS:
• What sure sign that Spring is just around the corner have you noticed that others might have missed?
• Would you go to work naked for $1 million? (In a recent poll, 84% of men and 20% of women say they actually would.)
• If your partner was dead and buried and you found out he or she had a winning lottery ticket on them, would you dig them up to get it? (In a recent survey, only 1 in 4 said no.)

BS RANDOM JOKE:
• All right everybody now: “James Brown’s body lies a-mouldering in the grave, James Brown’s body lies a-mouldering in the grave, his soul is marching on  …”
• To err is human, to blame it on someone else is more human.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: The older we are the fewer of THESE we have. In fact, on average, adults have just 2 a year.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Nightmares.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

BS BOUNTY HUNTERS!
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