Monday, March 12, 2007        Edition: #3485
We’ve Got Our Sheet Together!

WEEKEND TABLOID & BLOG BS:
• Apparently New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady always ‘completes his passes’. He was recently surprised to learn that his ex-girlfriend, actress Bridget Moynahan, is expecting a child later THIS YEAR which he apparently fathered, and now his current girlfriend, Brazilian fashion model Gisele Bundchen is said to be 2-months pregnant as well. Her publicists are refusing to comment on the report. So … you know what that means!
– “The Bosh”
• 20th Century Fox is inviting 16 communities named Springfield to compete for the honor of hosting the bigscreen premiere of “The Simpsons Movie” in JULY. Each is being asked to submit a short film about their town demonstrating why it should be selected. Though the series is set in a fictional ‘Springfield’, a state has never been mentioned.
– “E! Online”
• A former nanny is pitching an unauthorized tell-all about the inner workings of Madonna’s household, including details of her marriage to Guy Ritchie, the family’s devotion to Kabbalah, and the motivation behind the decision to adopt a child from Malawi. Ex-employee Melissa Dumas claims she was only presented with a non-disclosure agreement after she resigned from her position and that never signed it … so she can write about whatever she wants!
– “Entertainment Weekly”
• Beau Monde, a luxury rehab center in Newport Beach CA, is suing 42-year-old Courtney Love over an unpaid bill, claiming she spent 3 months there in 2005 but never paid the tab totaling $181,000. As well as massages, yoga sessions and spirituality counseling, the one-on-one clinic for ‘high-profile individuals’ also features whale-watching as a way of soothing suffering clients’ souls.
– “The Smoking Gun”
• Here’s the latest skinny on Victoria Beckham. An insider says she’s becoming dangerously thin as she & hubby David Beckham prepare for their big move to Los Angeles. According to the source, Madam B barely picks at her food these days and favors extremely meager portions, ie: greens with no dressing as a ‘salad’. And then after 2 or 3 tiny bites, she leaves the rest to be taken away.
– “National Enquirer”
• SATURDAY Mary J Blige and Jamie Foxx nabbed the top trophies at the 21st “Soul Train Music Awards” in LA, both taking home ‘Best Album’ awards. The taped show airs in national syndication during the week of March 17-24th.
– “Contact Music”
• Will Suri Cruise soon be a big sister? Rumor has it that Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes have been shopping for baby goods for a boy. But with Katie preparing to start filming her comeback (“Mad Money” with Diane Keaton & Queen Latifah), is she really ready to pack on baby weight again? Cruise’s rep simply tells MSN … nope.
– “Hot Gossip”
• The graveyard where Anna Nicole Smith was finally buried has been closed to the public. Officials at Lakeview Cemetery in the Bahamas have grown increasingly tired of tons of tourists making pilgrimages to her grave in the past week and have decided to close all entrances and hire security to keep the curious out. Only those who have family members buried at the cemetery or people who can prove they’re Bahamian citizens will now be granted access.
– “Daily Dish”

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Avril Lavigne – She’s recorded her new “Girlfriend” single in 8 different languages: Mandarin, Japanese, Spanish, French, German, Italian, and Portuguese. She also tried Hindi, but the Indian language was apparently too difficult to match up with the song’s rhythm.
• Boston – FRIDAY the classic rock group’s vocalist Brad Delp was found dead at age 55 in his New Hampshire home. Cause of death is still under investigation, although foul play is not suspected.
• Brian McKnight – TONIGHT he’s on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC).
• Bryan Adams – His latest photography project is an ad campaign for the UK’s Marks & Spencer stores, featuring some of his musical pals such as Bryan Ferry (Roxy Music).
• Hank Williams Jr / Lynyrd Skynyrd – TONIGHT the co-headliners of the upcoming “Rowdy Frynds Tour” guest on “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” (CBS).
• James Brown – SATURDAY his body was finally placed in a crypt at his home in Beech Island SC after a private ceremony that included family and a few friends. But that’s not his final resting place. A public mausoleum is being built and its location will be announced once it is completed.
• Kenny Chesney – “Desperate Housewives” actress Eva Longoria says he’s going to sing at her Paris wedding to NBA star Tony Parker in JULY … he just doesn’t know it yet. Longoria and Chesney are apparently long-time friends.
• KT Tunstall – TODAY the “Black Horse & the Cherry Tree” singer is on the “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CityTV).
• My Chemical Romance – TONIGHT they perform on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel).
• Paul McCartney – In yet another report of a divorce settlement, his estranged wife Heather Mills is said to have backed down on her demands and is set to accept a $56-million cash and property deal. That would work out to $1,344-an-hour for their 1,735 days of marriage so far. And now you can bet on whether Heather’s prosthetic leg will fall off during “Dancing With the Stars”:  If you bet $100 that it will happen, gambling website Bodog.com will pay out $350.

TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SCHED:
• “Corner Gas” 4th season finalé (CTV) features a guest shot by Prime Minister Stephen Harper who weighs in on local controversies by blaming them all on the Liberals (gee, think an election is in the works?). The episode also includes cameos by the anchors from CTV’s “Canada AM”.
• 2007 “Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Induction” at NYC’s Waldorf-Astoria Hotel. Among those doing the honors: Jay-Z inducting Grandmaster Flash & the Furious Five; Eddie Vedder inducting REM.; Keith Richards inducting the Ronettes; Zach De La Rocha (Rage Against the Machine) inducting Patti Smith (the ‘Godmother of Punk’); and Velvet Revolver inducting Van Halen. Eddie Van Halen has just checked into rehab so won’t attend, which means Sammy Hagar & Michael Anthony may be the only ones to make an appearance (ironically, both were tossed out of the band).

CURB YOUR SENTENCE:
A 28-year-old California man has been cleared of murder after he was spotted in the background of out-take footage of the TV show “Curb Your Enthusiasm”. 28-year-old Juan Catalan spent 5 months in jail, charged with the murder of a 16-year-old girl in the San Fernando Valley. But after his attorney discovered the HBO comedy starring Larry David was shot at an LA Dodgers game the same day his client attended, he had time code sequencing done showing Catalan in the crowd, thereby proving he was 20 miles from the murder scene. On top of getting off the hook for the crime, Los Angeles City Council has agreed to pay him $320,000 in compensation for the mistaken charge!
– AP

JUDGING BOOKS BY THEIR TITLES:
Publishing industry trade magazine “The Bookseller” has unveiled its short-list of titles contending for the 29th annual ‘Diagram Prize’, awarded to the oddest book title (LAST YEAR’s winner was “People Who Don’t Know They’re Dead: How They Attach Themselves to Unsuspecting Bystanders and What to Do About It”). THIS YEAR’s nominees are …
• “Tattooed Mountain Women and Spoon Boxes of Daghestan”
• “Di Mascio’s Delicious Ice Cream: Di Mascio of Coventry, an Ice Cream Company of Repute, with an Interesting and Varied Fleet of Ice Cream Vans”
• “Better Never to Have Been: The Harm of Coming into Existence”
• “How Green Were the Nazis?”
• “Proceedings of the 18th International Seaweed Symposium”
• “The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America: A Guide to Field Identification”
The ‘winner’ will be announced APRIL 13. Anyone can vote online …
NET: http://www.thebookseller.com/control/?p=2
– CBC Arts

PUT ANOTHER HEN ON THE FIRE:
Swedish power company Umea Energi is investigating a new source of energy … dead chickens. The proposal would use chicken carcasses from egg farms in northern Sweden as fuel for a power-generating furnace. It’s seeking a permit to burn as many as 9,000 dead hens per year along with other combustible waste. Company officials say they have plenty of non-poultry fuel sources and would only use the carcasses as a favor to egg ranchers. (What’s that fowl odor in here? Turn the heat down!)
– UPI

GETTING TO THE CORE OF IT:
A ‘North Pole Inner Earth Expedition’ is purportedly being planned to find out if there’s another civilization living … inside the Earth. If you’re unfamiliar with ‘Hollow Earth’ theory, legend has it there are openings in the Earth’s crust at the north and south poles which lead to another world inside the globe. A supposedly scientific expedition, including a documentary film crew, is being organized by Advanced Planetary Explorations in order to search for proof of the theory and, ideally, make contact with whatever lives inside our planet. And just your luck … they’re looking for investors! (Thank goodness it’s ‘scientific’ … at first we thought it was a scam.)
NET: http://tinyurl.com/2xkfwj
– “Curious Times”

DID YOU KNOW?
• Daylight Saving Time (as opposed to ‘savings’) is grammatically correct. ‘Saving’ acts as a participle, which modifies ‘time’ and tells us about its nature. However, the phrase itself is inaccurate, since no daylight is actually saved. It is merely shifted from morning to evening.
– webexhibits.org
• According to a new study, 17% of politicians around-the-world are now female, the highest number ever and up some 6% in the past decade.
– Reuters
• Students exposed to a bouquet of roses while studying and then to the same scent later during deep sleep, upped their score on a memory test by almost 15%. This seems to further support the theory that memory is best triggered by the sense of smell.
– “NY Times”
• A report tracking deaths from natural disasters reveals that, on average, 23 people die per disaster in rich countries, 145 people in mid-developed nations, and 1,051 people per disaster in the poorest countries. Seems even disasters favor the rich.
– Red Cross
• If you’re trying to diet, quit smoking, or involved in any other situation where you’re striving to maintain self-control, you’re more likely to make impulse purchases and spend more on them.
– “Forbes Magazine”

THE BULL SHEET 03.12.07

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1946 [61] Liza Minnelli, Hollywood CA, self-possessed singer/stage & movie actress (Oscar-“Cabaret”)/youngest to ever win Tony Award at age 19 (“Flora, the Red Menace”)/daughter of legendary singer-actress Judy Garland/4-time divorcée

1948 [59] James Taylor, Boston MA, oldies singer (“Fire & Rain”, “You’ve Got a Friend”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Commonwealth Day”, observed annually on the 2nd MONDAY in MARCH to honor the loose association of 53 countries in the British Commonwealth (at one time the British Empire). The Commonwealth now entails some 2 billion people or about 30% of the world’s population. These days, however, the organization is more symbolic than functional as most countries now have other economic alliances.
NET: http://tinyurl.com/2v78pf

• “Middle Name Pride Day”, so stand up and be proud … Alphonse.

• “Organize Your Home Office Day”. Get people with home offices to call in, then ask “What are you wearing right now?” Studies show an inordinate number of those who work at home inexplicably still dress in office attire every day in order to get into ‘work mode’.

• “Workplace Napping Day”, observed annually on the MONDAY after we lose an hour of sleep to Daylight Saving Time. It seems setting the clock ahead an entire hour messes with our brains, causing fatigue and general airheadedness. In fact, a UBC study of traffic accidents across Canada on the day after the ‘Spring Forward’ found there was an 8% increase.
NET: http://www.napping.com/napping-day.html

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1894 [113] Coca-Cola 1st sold in bottles (before that, in paper bags?)

1912 [95] “Girl Guides” (later changed to ‘Girl Scouts’ in the USA) is founded by Daisy Gordon of Savannah GA, who gathers together a troop and teaches them how to milk a cow, how to tie up a burglar, and the complicated art of boiling water

1948 [59] 1st chapter of ‘Hell’s Angels Motorcycle Club’ is founded by a breakaway group of the Pissed Off Bastards (seriously) in San Bernardino CA

1969 [38] 1st ‘Bell-Bottom Jeans’ (Levi Strauss Co)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1993 [14] LPGA golfer Anne Marie Palli is penalized for hitting a flying duck and killing it, causing her ball to fall into water (hey, shouldn’t that be a ‘birdie’?)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Good Samaritan Day
[Tues] Open an Umbrella Indoors Day
[Tues] Ear Muff Day
[Tues] Genealogy Day
[Wed] Potato Chip Day
[Thurs] Ides of March

THIS WEEK IS . . .
World Clown Week / Girl Scout Week / International Internet Moms Week / International Brain Awareness Week

BULL’S BITS

PATTY PREFERENCES:
Australian Meat & Live-Stock Corp has published a report on international burger cuisine. Here’s how people in different countries like to doctor their hamburgs . . .
• Argentina — boiled burger topped with a fried egg.
• Korea — meat mixed with pickled cabbage.
• Germany — raw meat with onions.
• South Africa — burger with bacon and bananas.
• And Australians themselves have been known to top off a quarter-pounder with — beets or pineapple!

ACTUAL SUPERMARKET TABLOID HEADLINES:
• “Amorous Surgeon Leaves Phone Number in Suture!”
• “Third Armrest Betrays Alien Origin of New Military Plane!”
• “Checkout Line from 1982 Discovered!”
• “NASA Announces First Mime in Space!”
• “Husband Kills Nagging Wife With Booby-Trapped Cat!”

BS PHONE STARTER:
If you could re-name yourself for a day, what would you call yourself?

BS ‘DO I SOUND HOT OR NOT?’
You’re looking for the sexiest voice on the phone. Line up a series of listeners and have a studio panel rate them on a scale from 1-10.

BS RANDOM JOKES:
• The trouble with [co-host’s] love life is that it too often involves just 1 consenting adult.
• And here’s today’s cooking tip: For easy scrambled eggs, keep your chickens in a cement mixer.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 17% of men and 1% of middle-aged women have done THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Gotten lucky with someone 20 years younger.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that crushed it.


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