Monday, March 5, 2007        Edition: #3480
Sheet Happens!

WEEKEND TABLOID & BLOG BS:
• Local taxi drivers and tour operators in the Bahamas are already offering trips to see Anna Nicole Smith’s grave at Lakeview Memorial Park cemetery, where she was only buried on FRIDAY. Ghoulish fans wanting to take the tour will have to fork out a fee of $58.50. (Far more than anyone would have paid to see her when she was alive!)
– “Sunday Express”
• John Ratzenberger, who played beer-guzzling mailman ‘Cliff Clavin’ on “Cheers” (NBC), is replacing Vincent Pastore on ABC-TV’s “Dancing with the Stars” (debuting MARCH 19th), after Pastore bowed out LAST WEEK claiming the show was too physically demanding. Meantime, rumors are circulating that Heather Mills may also be having second thoughts about appearing on the show after she quit lessons at a London dance studio after just one day. Apparently she’s worried about the schedule interfering with her on-going divorce hearings vs Paul McCartney. (Which pay much better.)
– “E! Online”
• The father of French actor Olivier Martinez has confirmed rumors his son is getting over his split from pop singer Kylie Minogue by seeing model/actress Sarai Givaty, whose biggest claim to fame previously was guesting on a single episode of CBS-TV’s “CSI”. Minogue & Martinez ended their 4-year relationship LAST MONTH, claiming the break-up was ‘amicable and mutual’. (Translation: They hate each other passionately.)
– “Mail on Sunday”
• In a new poll by music magazine “Q”, Ozzy Osbourne, Mariah Carey, and Celine Dion have been branded the ‘Worst Singers of All Time’. Also making the list: Yoko Ono, Limp Bizkit’s Fred Durst, and ‘any death metal singer’. (We’d like to add another – Antonella Barba.)
– “Contact Music”
• Britney Spears latest get-up includes a brown wig and what appears to be pen drawings all over her hands. It’s reported she stepped out of Promises rehab center for an evening to attend an AA meeting in Santa Monica CA. Meantime, “American Idol’s” Simon Cowell claims about 20 record producers are waiting to get Spears into a recording studio. He says, despite her problems, if she makes another decent record, she’ll have a hit. (Proving once again, all publicity is good publicity.)
– “Extra”
• Another trashy tabloid claims Britney Spears wrote the number of the beast ‘666′ on her shaved head before running around Promises clinic screaming “I am the Antichrist!” at frightened staff. In a week of rehab madness, the report says, she pleaded with estranged husband K-Fed to give her another baby, then tried to hang herself from a bedsheet tied to a light fixture. Paramedics were called, but she was unhurt according to an insider. (Wow, can’t wait for the movie!)
– “News of the World”
• Nicole Richie was sent to an LA hospital FRIDAY afternoon and treated for ‘dehydration’ after feeling ill on “The Simple Life” set. While there she received intravenous fluids for 15 minutes and was later released. Seems she worked late into the night a day before, then skipped breakfast and reported to work again. (Girl, your problem is so simple – eat!)
– “Star Magazine”
• And former celeb couple Jennifer Aniston & Vince Vaughn are still an item of sorts, at least according to a blabbermouth ‘friend’. They now enjoy no-strings-attached dates in an ‘open’ relationship that’s described as ‘friends with benefits’. (Sort of like what she had with ‘Ross‘.)
– “FAME Magazine”

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Beastie Boys – TONIGHT they’re on “Late Night With Conan O’Brien” (NBC).
• Bobby Brown – He’s backed out of a deal to work for a week at Hot 99.5 Washington DC in exchange for the station keeping him out of jail by paying his $19,000 child support bill. Brown simply called up the morning show and announced he’s ‘changed his mind’. Now it’s up to the intern to fetch coffee again.
• Elton John – SATURDAY he gave away the bride at actress Elizabeth Hurley’s $4-million wedding to Indian textile heir Arun Nayar in a 15th-century British castle. It was followed by a blow-out party attended by the likes of Kate Moss, Elle Macpherson, Donatella Versace, and Hurley’s ex-, Hugh Grant.
• Gwen Stefani – TONIGHT she guests on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC).
• Kelis – She’s been charged in Miami FL with misdemeanor disorderly conduct and resisting arrest without violence after allegedly rushing towards 2 undercover cops posing as streetwalkers and screaming racial profanities at them. Something to do with their inferior ‘milkshakes’ perhaps?
• 30 Seconds to Mars – While performing in El Paso TX, frontman Jared Leto jumped into the crowd and was swarmed by fans. He ended up with a busted nose and other minor injuries to his face and body. Not how to surf the mosh pit, dude!
• Velvet Revolver – They will not only induct Van Halen into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame one week from TODAY (MARCH 12th), they’ll accept on Van Halen’s behalf and perform in their place. In fact at this point, it’s unclear if any of the band’s members/former members will even attend the ceremony. C’mon guys, show some class!
• White Stripes – They’re hoping to release their 6th full-length album, “Icky Thump”, later THIS YEAR, but so far there’s no word on an official release date.

TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SCHED:
• THIS MORNING Kenny Chesney, Sugarland & Pat Green announce the nominees for the “Academy of Country Music Awards” at the Country Music Hall of Fame & Museum in Nashville TN. The actual hardware’s handed out in Las Vegas NV on MAY 15th.
• The new TV series “Kill It, Cook It, Eat It” debuts on BBC3 in Britain. A group of chefs, vegetarians and meat-eaters are invited to an abattoir where a restaurant has been built. There they’ll watch animals being slaughtered, butchered and prepared, before being served up samples. The show, described as ‘provocative, controversial and at times uncomfortable’, is designed to reconnect the public with how the animals they eat go ‘from farm to fork’.

SCIENTISTS SAY:
A compendium of recent ‘discoveries’ –
• Scientists say … the key to wooing a lover may be whispering in the left ear! A study at Sam Houston State U has found that both genders are able to accurately recall more than 70% of hot ‘n heavy words like ‘love’ and ‘kiss’ with their left ear, but only 58% with their right.
• Scientists say … breast milk may keep you slim! According to the “British Medical Journal”, researchers have found a 35% drop in obesity among study groups who were exclusively breast-fed … as babies, that is.
• Scientists say … smoking marijuana increases the risk of a heart attack in the 1st hour after use by 4.8 times, according to Harvard research. Then when you get the munchies, eating a fatty, carbohydrate-rich meal increases the risk by 4 times again.

MILITARY MESSAGING:
The US Marine Corps is reportedly introducing sensitivity training to troops in Iraq. Seems they’re starting to wonder if some of these t-shirt slogans that are being flaunted might be making things worse rather than better. Um, what do you think?
• “Eat Pork Or Die” (in English and Arabic).
• “Shrine Busters” (which show burning minarets, some with unit logos).
• “Napalm. Sticks Like Crazy”
• “The Road to Paradise Begins with Me” (usually in Arabic, often with sniper’s cross-hairs).
• “Guns Don’t Kill People. I Kill People.”
– PopBitch.com

DOGGY DOPE:
A new drug called Yarvitan has hit the market which is designed to help dogs lose as much as 5-to-10 lbs in a month. It costs about $100 for an 8-week program of treatment and has to be prescribed by a veterinarian. Its makers claim that the drug can also increase a dog’s life expectancy by 18 months and reduce the chances of it developing arthritis. (Hey, here’s a radical idea: Instead of putting your pooch on the pill – quit feeding it so much!)
– Reuters

IT’S A WACK WORLD:
• In Pakistan, a farmer has confessed to convincing doctors to remove one of wife’s kidneys so he could sell it and buy … a used tractor. The 22-year-old wife says she didn’t discover she was missing a kidney until she returned to hospital for an unrelated problem. If convicted of unlawfully organ removal, her hubby faces 10 years in the slammer. (Why not make it equal opportunity and allow her to remove the organ of her choice from him?)
• In India, an astrologer has been charged with fraud after predicting a long life for a man … who died in 2003. The hoax artist was set up by a former client who decided his own astrological reading struck him as false. (You’d think if the guy had any paranormal ability whatsoever, he would have seen it coming!)
• In Michigan, a Cascade Township couple expecting the delivery of furniture parts were stunned when they opened up parcels containing bubble-wrapped items and found them to be … human body parts. Turns out the preserved liver and part of a head were meant to be delivered to a medical research lab. (Now they have the most interesting entertainment unit in town!)

BS AMAZING FACT:
31% of Canadian workers have dated a colleague. 15% of those couples eventually married. Meanwhile, 14% of Canadian workers combine the 2 steps: they have a relationship with a married co-worker.
– “Toronto Star”

AND WE QUOTE:
“What an honor. An honor to receive and an honor for you to give to me.”
– Stephen Colbert, accepting his award for ‘Person of the Year’ at the “US Comedy Arts Festival” FRIDAY night in Aspen CO.

THE BULL SHEET 03.05.07

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1952 [55] Alan Clark, Durham UK, classic rock musician (Dire Straits-“Money for Nothing”, “Sultans of Swing”)

1955 [52] Penn Jillette, Greenfield MA, Las Vegas magician (Penn & Teller)

1970 [37] John Frusciante, NYC, rock musician (Red Hot Chili Peppers-“Snow [Hey Oh]”, “Dani California”)

1974 [33] Kevin Connolly, NYC, TV actor (‘Eric Murphy’ on “Entourage” since 2004)/movie actor (“The Notebook”)

1974 [33] Eva Mendes, Miami FL, movie actress (“Ghost Rider”, “Hitch”)

1989 [18] Jake Lloyd, Fort Collins CO, movie actor (‘Anakin Skywalker’ in “Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Mother-in-Law Day”, first celebrated 73 years ago on March 5, 1934. A similar “Mother-in-Law’s Day” is held on the 4th Sunday in October. To stay out of trouble – best to remember both!

• “Multiple Personalities Day”, saluting the adage ‘We have only one person to blame, and that’s each other.’ Can people with multiple personalities deduct themselves as dependents on their income tax?

• “On-Hold Month”. A couple of related ideas …
– Conduct a search for the worst (or best) on-hold music.
– Take nominations for the best-answered business phone (picked up in 3 rings or less; answered by a human; minimal hold times; etc).
– Put a listener on-hold for your entire show. If they’re singing every time you go to them, they win!

• “Unique Names Day”. Lots of directions to go with this besides unique personal names. For instance, it’s a good day to ask listeners …
– What was your nickname when you where a kid? (Beyoncé has revealed hers was ‘Dumbo’.)
– What nickname is your boss known by?
– Where would you find these unusual Canadian placenames?
NET: http://www.coolquiz.com/trivia/canada/town.asp

– Where would you find these unusual US placenames?
NET: http://www.coolquiz.com/trivia/usa/towns.asp

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
2002 [05] “The Osbournes” debuts on MTV (who woulda thought such an untalented bunch could become so famous?)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1868 [139] 1st ‘stapler’ (next day, the 1st tie is stapled to a report)

1937 [70] ‘SPAM’ is 1st marketed after Hormel Co chefs discover that ham cooked in special spices, then ground up and canned has a 7-year shelf-life (has since become both the butt of jokes and the world’s most popular canned meat)

1972 [35] 1st breeding of a ‘Great Dachshund’, a cross between a Great Dane and a Dachshund (not to put too fine a point on it, but – how dey do dat?)

2000 [07] World’s 1st ‘cloned pigs’, produced by US subsidiary of Scottish company that cloned ‘Dolly the sheep’

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1985 [22] 1st NHL player to score 50 goals in 8 consecutive seasons (Mike Bossy-NY Islanders)

1994 [13] World’s largest milkshake contains 1,955 gallons of chocolate (Nelspruit, South Africa)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Frozen Food Day
[Wed] Stop Bad Service Day
[Wed-Sat] Canadian Music Week 2007 (Toronto ON)
[Thurs] Aunts Day
[Thurs] International Women’s Day
[Thurs] Plant a Flower Day
[Fri] Employee Appreciation Day

THIS WEEK IS . . .
Children & Hospitals Week / Free Paper Week / Manufacturing Week / Poison Prevention Week / Wildlife Week / World Humanist Week / Detect a Leak Week / Camp Fire Boys & Girls Week

BULL’S BITS

BS ‘FIND THE FAKE’
Two of the following are actual supermarket tabloid headlines. One is a total fake, but which?
GAME #1 –
• “Hockey Player Given Penalty For Swallowing Puck!” [FAKE]
• “Castaways Use Sumo Champion as Human Raft!”
• “One Angry Woman, a Sharp Knife & 13 Men Whose Lives Will Never Be the Same!”

GAME #2 –
• “300-Pound Lab Mouse Escapes!”
• “Woman With 3 Legs Finds Work As Camera Tripod!” [FAKE]
• “Snoring Dad Suffocates as Tot Stuffs Crayons Up His Nose!”

BS PHONE STARTER:
Which recording act did you worship as a teen that you’re now embarrassed about?

BS RANDOM JOKES:
• Everyone has a purpose … even if it is just to take a bullet for someone more important than them.
• Go figure: We have the technology to create computers that fit in the palm of your hand, yet still we haven’t been able to create a convincing toupée.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: According to Danish researchers, women who have THIS characteristic live longer than those who don’t.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Big hips.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
When arguing with a stupid person, make sure he isn’t doing the same.

BS FRESH MEAT:
“The Bull Sheet” salutes Steve Cole @ Number One Country KDQN De Queen AR, who’s just re-upped for a 14th year of service (thanks Steve!); and we welcome this week’s samplers that include Devin Hennessy @ Mongoose 104.9 [WMNG] Christiansted, Virgin Islands; Erin Rizzo @ The One 91.1 [KWTS] Canyon TX; Shannon Gill @ The Rock of Seattle 99.9 KISW; Steph Lauzon @ Evolution 107.9 Burnaby BC; and Chevelle Straub@ KEDA-FM San Antonio TX. You can subscribe or update your subscription right here – http://thebullsheet.com/location.html

“The Bull Sheet” – Used by 9 of “Canadian Music Week 2007” ‘Station of the Year’ Nominees!


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