Thursday, March 30, 2006        Edition: #3250
Sheeters Always Prosper!

One reason Paris Hilton may be trying to hang onto her Greek shipping-heir boyfriend Stavros Niarchos – he’s reportedly set to inherit $275 million as soon as he turns 21 NEXT MONTH . . . Insiders say “Girls Gone Wild” mogul Joe Francis wants to go big-time by buying “Playboy”, an idea that’s not as farfetched as it may seem as his company actually made more than Hugh Hefner’s bunny biz LAST YEAR . . . Swedish model Victoria Silvstedt (1997’s “Playboy” ‘Playmate of the Year’) has suffered a fat lip after being hit by a flying hockey puck during a Rangers-Sabres NHL game at NYC’s Madison Square Garden . . . 48-year-old “Basic Instinct 2″ actress Sharon Stone has been offered a cool million to strip off for “Playboy”, but she’s refused saying this isn’t the moment – not to say there won’t be a moment . . . Cindy Crawford’s nightclub owner hubby Rande Gerber is about to extend his nightlife empire with a chain of “Maxim” lounges, a joint venture with the men’s magazine . . . Actress Angelina Jolie has reportedly flown her ailing mother Marcheline Bertrand from the US to Paris so she can witness the birth of her first biological grandchild . . . Seems “American Idol” and “American Inventor” just aren’t enough to keep Simon Cowell busy, he’s now taking auditions for a summer TV production called “America’s Got Talent”, a show showcasing talent of all kinds from all ages . . . After meeting, dating, wedding (for 5 months) and divorcing “One Tree Hill” co-star Sophia Bush, 24-year-old Chad Michael Murray is now dating another cast member, barely-legal 18-year-old Kenzie Dalton . . . Increasingly weird actor Tom Cruise has reportedly given pregnant fiancée Katie Holmes an MP3 player loaded with mellow music to help her stay silent during childbirth . . . When Kate Moss’ junkie pal Pete Doherty found out his illegally parked Jaguar had been towed away, he simply went out and bought another (his 8th in the past 2 months), but not without incident – he reportedly smashed a pesky paparazzo’s windshield with his umbrella (they ought to chain this guy up for his own good).

• Bon Jovi – Guitarist Richie Sambora has suffered a broken left arm after a fall at home but will still perform when the group begins the Japanese leg of the “Have A Nice Day” tour APRIL 8th.
• Britney Spears – Daniel Edwards’ life-size sculpture of her kneeling naked on a bearskin rug as she gives birth is already causing protests from both pro-life & pro-choice groups, and it isn’t even scheduled to go on display at Brooklyn’s Capla Kesting Fine Art Gallery until APRIL 7th.
• Elton John – His planned animated musical movie entitled “Gnomeo & Juliet” has been dropped by Disney. Sometimes you just know from the title, don’t cha?
• Flaming Lips – TONIGHT they’re on “Late Show With David Letterman”.
• Madonna – Word has it she’s preparing for her world tour by learning how to krump.
• Montgomery Gentry – They’ve just returned from a USO tour that entertained troops in Kuwait, Iraq & Germany.
• Rascal Flatts – TONIGHT they perform on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno”.
• Train – TONIGHT they guest on “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson”.
• Whitney Houston – Her sister-in-law Tina alleges Houston is hopelessly hooked on crack cocaine and living in squalor at the mansion she shares with Bobby Brown. Tina claims she blabbed about it to “National Enquirer” in order to ‘save Whitney’s life’.

The soldiers-returning-home drama “Home of the Brave” starring  Samuel L Jackson & 50 Cent has had to move from Spokane WA to Vancouver due to a technicians’ strike, costing the city millions of dollars & hundreds of jobs . . . Samuel L Jackson will narrate a spoof version of the surprise hit documentary “March of the Penguins” that’s to be cleverly titled “Farce of the Penguins”, about one lonely bird’s search for love when his pals just want to score . . . After George Clooney needed a quick ride to the NYC set of his new flick, “Michael Clayton”, he was so impressed with the cabbie he had producers hire him on-the-spot as his 24/7 personal chauffeur . . . George Clooney, Brad Pitt & Matt Damon will reunite for “Ocean’s 13″, but the 2nd sequel to 2001’s “Ocean’s 11″ will NOT feature Julia Roberts or Catherine Zeta-Jones due to ‘the nature of the script’ (translation: they’re trying to cut back the bloated budget from the last one) . . . “Napoleon Dynamite” star Jon Heder is hobbling around the set of the skating comedy “Blades of Glory” after breaking his ankle during training . . . Leonardo DiCaprio may next play 1960s counter-culture icon & LSD proponent Timothy Leary, as his production company now has a biographical project in development . . . Euan Blair, son of British Prime Minister Tony Blair, will get an acting role in Natalie Portman’s next film, “Mr Magorium’s Wonder Emporium”, after serving as a production assistant on “V For Vendetta” . . . And in order to play a voluptuous housewife in “Returning”, slim-as-a-pin Spanish actress Penelope Cruz has had to outfitted with – a butt prosthesis (she’s grown so fond of it, she’s asking to keep it!).

A British study claims a woman’s chances of getting married drop by 40% for every 16-point increase in her IQ.

Trinidad CA-based Bed Books has come up with an unusual product for people who like to read in bed – sideways books. Yep, the text is printed sideways on the page, allowing you to read while lying on your side. So far they’ve printed 24 titles, including “Pride & Prejudice”, “The War of the Worlds”, and “Peter Pan”. (They don’t work so well while riding to work on the bus.)
– “USA Today”

A new Marshall University study on humor in the workplace has found the most common topics for jokes on-the-job are co-workers’ weight and age. More than 70% of workers surveyed have heard jokes on those topics; and over 40% admit telling them. Other topics of humor aimed at co-workers include …
• Physical Characteristics (buttocks, cleavage, hair, clothing)
• Personality Traits (intelligence, arrogance, clumsiness)
• Social Characteristics (alcohol-use, dating, marital status)
• Personal Hygiene (body odor, bodily functions, bad breath).
• Work-Related Characteristics (attendance, slacking, dumb questions, relationship with the boss)
Makes you wonder why there aren’t more fisticuffs on-the-job, doesn’t it?
– Netscape Careers

THIS WEEK what will likely be confirmed as the ‘World’s Largest Buffet’ was laid out for 850 patrons at the Las Vegas Hilton, a massive smorgasbord encompassing 510 different dishes. Each had to be certified as totally distinct by a “Guinness World Records” adjudicator. The super-sized spread was a publicity stunt to celebrate the 75th anniversary of Alka-Seltzer.
– AP

The European Space Agency’s chief scientist  Dr Bernard Foing is proposing the development of a ‘Noah’s Ark’ on the Moon, in case life on Earth is wiped out by an asteroid or nuclear holocaust. The idea would be to collect a repository of DNA from every single species of plant and animal on Earth. (Couldn’t we leave out mosquitoes … and skunks … and maybe insurance sales reps?)
– BBC News

• The Royal Parks Police in London UK has scrapped a squad of cops on roller-blades. Why? Perps quickly discovered they could lose their pursuers simply by running on grass, causing the officers to have to stop and remove their blades. The force has now reverted back to bicycles. (And crooks have resumed carrying a pocketful of thumbtacks.)
• An Ottawa judge has ruled that a 33-year-old motorist is not criminally responsible for his erratic driving because – he suffers from delusions that Shania Twain helps him drive his pickup truck by communicating with him telepathically. (The prosecuting attorney objected saying, “That don’t impress me much.”)
• Police in Valparaiso, Chile mistook 24 firefighters tackling a fashion store blaze for thieves – and tried to arrest them. The shop had, in fact, been broken into shortly before the fire started but the firefighters arrived first, and then the cops who tried to bust them. The excuse from the cop shop – robbers are so creative these days, we were just trying to be a step ahead. (Seems “Ocean’s 11″ must be a favorite down at the precinct house.)
• A Muslim in West Bengal, India has been ordered to separate from his wife after saying  ‘talaq’ (‘I divorce thee’) 3 times – while he was asleep. Local scholars have ruled that, under religious law, the man must leave his wife of 11 years even if he was out cold at the time. (The wife says that’s typical of his performance in the sack.)


1937 [69] Warren Beatty, Richmond VA, movie actor/director/producer (Oscar-“Reds”)/Mr Annette Bening since 1992

1945 [61] Eric Clapton, Ripley UK, classic rock singer/guitarist (Grammy Award-“Change the World”) who’s made it into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame with The Yardbirds (1992), Cream (1993), and as a solo performer (2000)

1950 [56] Robbie Coltrane, Rutherglen, Scotland, movie actor (‘Rubeus Hagrid’ in “Harry Potter” films)

1964 [42] Tracy Chapman, Cleveland OH, folk/pop singer (“Give Me One Reason”, “Fast Car”)

1968 [38] Celine Dion, Charlemagne QC, pop singer (“My Heart Will Go On”) who’s extended her run at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas for an additional year after completing a 3-year, $100-million deal for 200 performances per year/Canadian Walk of Fame (2003)

1979 [27] Norah Jones, NYC, pop singer (5 Grammy Awards-“Come Away With Me” CD)

• “Badminton Day”, honoring the sport anyone can play in their backyard … badly. It never really caught on when it was first introduced in the early 1800s, perhaps because it was then known as ‘Poona’.

• “Doctors’ Day”, commemorating the 1st use of anaesthetic during surgery by Dr Crawford W Long in 1842. He got the idea by observing party-goers inebriated on nitrous oxide and sulfuric ether. Time for us to thank docs for keeping us healthy and happy, like these folks …
    * “On the 2nd day the knee was better, and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.”
    * “The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.”
    * “Discharge status: Alive but without permission.”
    * “Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.”
    * “While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home.”
    * “She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.”
    * “Patient has 2 teenage children, but no other abnormalities.”

• “Hot Dog Day”, in celebration of the marvellous invention of the tube steak, also known as the  frank, weenie, wienie, wiener, dog, or red hot. In 1987, the city of Frankfurt, Germany celebrated the 500th birthday of the frankfurter, but the invention didn’t become a ‘hot dog’ until someone sandwiched it in a bun, an idea attributed to German immigrants selling from pushcarts in NYC during the 1860s.

• “Seward’s Day”, the anniversary of the 1867 US purchase of Alaska from Russia for $7.2 million or less than 2 cents an acre. At the time it was called ‘Seward’s Folly’ because Secretary of State William Seward was considered crazy for promoting the deal.

• “Take a Walk in the Park Day”, to encourage us to take the time for calming and therapeutic exercise that’s so darn easy to do … until you get mugged.

THIS WEEK is “National Cleaning Week”, held annually the last week in March to remind us to tackle Spring cleaning jobs – clean out those closets and drawers and donate the usable stuff, then recycle the rest of the stuff into great art projects … just before you throw them out.

1964 [42] 1st edition of TV game show “Jeopardy!” (see “BULL’S BITS” for a timely radio version)

1858 [148] Hyman Lipman invents 1st ‘Pencil with Attached Eraser’ (needed something to chew on?).  FACTOID: If you took an average pencil and made a continuous line until all the lead was used up, the line would be an amazing 35-miles-long. However, it’s estimated that the eraser on the average pencil is only capable of erasing about 5 miles of print. Maybe that’s the reason you see so many pencils with just a tiny nub of rubber left?

1935 [71] 1st ‘Newfie Time’ as Newfoundland changes zone to 3.5 hours West of Greenwich

1954 [52] Canada’s 1st mass transit ‘Subway’ opens in Toronto

1889 [117] America’s 1st ‘Golf Course’ opens, in Yonkers NY

1987 [19] On the 134th anniversary of the birth of the artist, Vincent van Gogh’s “Sunflowers” is sold for $39.85 million, more than triple the previous record for an auctioned painting (TODAY’s a great day to play ‘Pin the Ear on the Van Gough’!)

[Fri] Bunsen Burner Day
[Fri] Tater Day
[Fri] Fun At Work Day
[Sat] April Fool’s Day
[Sat/Mon] March Madness NCAA Basketball Tournament “Final Four” (Indianapolis IN)
[Sat/Sun] Alcohol Free Weekend
[Sun] “2006 Juno Awards” (Halifax NS)
This Week Is … Pediatric Nurse Practitioner Week
This Month Is … Women’s History Month


• She’s secretive. She won’t listen to her messages or check her e-mail when you’re around.
• She’s always mentioning another guy, telling stories or sharing details about one specific guy.
• She’s not into public displays of affection.
• She picks fights, starting arguments with you for the most mundane reasons.
• She’s a flirt. She keeps looking at and flirting with other men in front of you.
(And how about ‘she’s sitting on your best friend’s lap … naked’?)

Just like the TV game, your contestants must respond in the form of a question. Of course, they won’t be able to – that’s when you provide the zinger! Today’s categories are ‘ Potpourri’, ‘Mish-Mash’, ‘This ‘N That’, ‘Miscellaneous’ and ‘Random’. Get the “Jeopardy!” theme music, “Think Music”, time’s-up buzzer & “Daily Double” SFX here (click on ‘Preview’) …
And here are today’s “Radio Jeopardy!” answers …
• The answer is … After a dye job. [The correct question is … When does a brunette have half of a brain?]
• They couldn’t keep their calves together. [Why did cowboys Ennis & Jack fall in love?]
• She named them both. [Why did the buxom waitress wear 2 name tags?]
• “Oh look, doughnut seeds!” [What did (co-host) say when he looked in a box of Cheerios?]
• She can’t say “No”. [What is Anna Nicole Smith’s speech impediment?]
• So he doesn’t get hearing aids. [ Why does (co-host) wear condoms on his ears?]
• Divorced. [What do you call Jessica Simpson with 90% of her intelligence gone?]
• Kate Moss was in town. [How come we didn’t have much snow this winter?]
• Because sheep can’t fetch beer from the fridge. [ Why did (co-host) finally get married?]
• In case you lock your keys in the car. [Why’s it a good idea to keep a coat hanger in the back seat?]

Today’s Question: The more education a woman, has the more likely she is to do THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Cheat on her taxes.

For every credibility gap there’s a gullibility fill.

Monthly Planning Calendar in Tomorrow’s Edition of “The Bull Sheet”!


Printer Friendly Version