Thursday, March 23, 2006        Edition: #3245
BS You Can Actually Look Forward To In the Morning!

TODAY open auditions for “Rock Star: The Series” (the show that found INXS new lead singer JD Fortune) are taking place at Vancouver’s Roxy, one of 12 cities being visited during the open casting call . . . TODAY pathetic Brit rocker Pete Doherty is due in London court – again – on drug possession charges, just as a “Rolling Stone” magazine writer has revealed that Doherty openly smoked crack, took ecstasy & shot heroin during a recent interview . . . TONIGHT the $27-million-plus “Lord of the Rings” stage musical has its official premiere performance at the Princes of Wales Theatre in Toronto – by invitation only (NET: . . . A Broadway musical about the life of martial arts star Bruce Lee with music by David Bowie is being planned for 2008 . . . A life-size statue of kung fu legend Bruce Lee that was erected to bring together a divided town in Bosnia has been taken down because hooligans had covered it in obscene graffiti (it was thought he was the only famous figure respected by both Croat & Muslim communities) . . . 26-year-old Fort Saskatchewan AB-born “Lost” star Evangeline Lilly says she aims to retire from acting in just 10 years, because the stress of fame is getting to her (darlin’, you may not have the choice) . . . 72-year-old red-carpet loudmouth Joan Rivers has thrown up her profile at in hope of meeting an eligible bachelor aged 65-to-75 (it would also help if he was deaf) . . . Actress Jennifer Aniston says she’s moving out of Hollywood to escape constant media attention & moving in with boyfriend Vince Vaughn in Chicago . . . The Connecticut mansion of late screen legend Katharine Hepburn has been sitting empty since her 2003 death – until last weekend, that is – when a couple pulled up with a trailer-load of furniture & tried to move in, without a key or proof of ownership – they were arrested for trespassing (shouldn’t have rented that trailer from ‘Squatters ‘R Us’) . . . And right in the middle of a “CNN Headline News” report TUESDAY, co-anchors Chuck Roberts & Linda Stouffer were forced to run for cover off-camera after a light exploded and an ensuing fire in the studio threatened to engulf them (talk about ‘on-the-scene’ reporting!).

• Black Eyed Peas – TONIGHT they embark on their first headlining North American tour in Fresno CA. Pussycat Dolls are the opening act.
• Brooks & Dunn – They performed for 72,867 fans SATURDAY at “Rodeo Houston” in Texas to break the event’s all-time attendance record set LAST YEAR by Hilary Duff.
• Fiona Apple – TONIGHT she guests on the “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson”.
• Gloria Estefan – She’s donating $1 million for the creation of a Human Clinical Trials Program at the Miami Project to Cure Paralysis. She herself was temporarily paralyzed in a tour-bus accident 16 years ago.
• Hank Williams Jr – He’s accused of harassing a waitress in a Memphis TN hotel bar by swearing at her, trying to kiss her, and putting her in a choke-hold. Perhaps not in that order.
• Kenny Chesney – TONIGHT his “The Road & The Radio” tour kicks off at the Nutter Center in Dayton OH, a show that sold-out within minutes. Dierks Bentley, Sugarland & Carrie Underwood are among the tour’s opening acts. Big & Rich and Gretchen Wilson will be added for stadium dates.
• Natasha Bedingfield – TODAY she’s on the “Ellen DeGeneres Show”.
• Sarah McLachlan – TONIGHT she performs  with Ladysmith Black Mambazo on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno”.

Oscar-winning “Crash” director Paul Haggis is developing former US counterterrorism czar Richard Clarke’s book “Against All Enemies” into a movie (that means the ‘characters’ would include the likes of Bill Clinton, Dick Cheney & Condoleezza Rice) . . . Oscar-nominee Terrence Howard will next star in “PDR”, the true story of a motley group of 1970s inner-city kids who become one the country’s top swim teams . . . Michael Caine & Demi Moore will team up for the new heist movie “Flawless”, playing a caretaker who dreams of stealing his employers’ treasures & the frustrated female exec who collaborates . . . The latest casting rumors for the bigscreen version of 1980s TV soap “Dallas” have John Travolta playing ‘JR Ewing’, Jennifer Lopez as ‘Sue Ellen’, Luke Wilson as ‘Bobby’, and Shirley MacLaine playing ‘Miss Ellie’ . . . Cate Blanchett is returning to her role as Queen Elizabeth I in the new film, “The Golden Age”, a sequel to 1998’s “Elizabeth” . . . And taking a cue from Reese Witherspoon in “Walk the Line”, Charlize Theron says she wants to do all her own singing when she begins filming a bio-pic about 1960s singer Dusty Springfield ( to pull off that smoky voice, she’ll have to have her adenoids disconnected!).

Ancient The Egyptians ate mustard by tossing the seeds into their mouths while chewing meat.

Products that provide simple solutions to common clothing emergencies …
• STAINS: Two things not to try are antibacterial soap and pre-moistened towelettes. The soap doesn’t work, and the towelettes have ingredients that just make things worse. ‘Tide to Go’ instant stain removal stick does work … but unlike in ads, it takes several minutes. White wine will remove a red wine stain … but that means you’ll have to order another glass.
• WARDROBE MALFUNCTIONS: You can repair a popped-off button or ripped hem with double-sided sticky tape, the kind female celebs use when wearing something skimpy. One brand is actually called ‘Hollywood Fashion Tape’. Also acts as a depilatory.
• SHOE TROUBLE: A broken heel or flapping sole can be reattached for the short term using a strong glue such as ‘Super-Glue’ or ‘Krazy Glue’. ‘Zap-A-Gap’, which is made for arts and crafts projects, also works well.
• LINT, CRUMBS, STRAY HAIRS: Make your own lint catcher with the sticky side of cellophane tape or get the job done faster by winding a wad of 2-inch packing tape around your hand … sticky side out, of course.
– Condensed & extrapolated from “Tampa Bay Times”

• 35-year-old Louise Arnold will be one of the participants on a new UK TV show called “Phobias”, which will use counselors, hypnotherapists & acupuncturists to help people overcome irrational fears. Arnold’s paranoia? Peas! She flees restaurants if she spots them on a plate and gets anxious if she sees them in a supermarket. There’s actually a name for the fear of vegetables – ‘lachanophobia’. ([Co-host] is the only vegetable I’m afraid of.)
• After 49-year-old Romanian Doina Melinte was attacked at a service station just outside Bucharest, 3 teenage thieves ran off with the $30,000 she was carrying as a property down payment. She says she chased them for about a half-mile but lost them. All of this would be fairly unremarkable except – Melinte is a former Olympic runner who won both Gold & Silver medals in 1984. She still holds the European record for 1,500 meters. (There’s an APB out to find the crooks … for the Romanian track & field team!)
• The 3-star Ostfriesland Hotel in Norden, Germany has begun charging fat customers more for an overnight stay than those who are deemed fit. The owner claims slim guests live longer and can therefore return more often, so that’s why they are rewarded. (They also cause fewer bed repairs.)
• The newly-opened Paradise Pet Club in Shanghai, China is a restaurant for dogs – and their owners. The menu features meals for dogs but also drinks and snacks for their ‘parents’. It was originally intended just for pooches but pet owners have also been bringing along cats, rabbits and other animals. (Pets beware! You can dine any time you like but you’re never gonna leave!)

The things we think; the stuff we do …
• 60% of affluent families lose the family fortune by the end of the 2nd generation; 90% have lost it all by the end of the 3rd generation.
• Over 50% of high school students already exhibit at least 1 symptom of hearing loss due to use of MP3 players and other electronic gizmos.
• 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
• 22% of women say it is ‘unforgivable’ for a guy to forget your name on a first date.
• 15% of all paper handled in businesses is lost; 30% of all employee time is spent trying to find lost documents.

The parliament of France is backing a draft law that will force Apple, Sony and Microsoft to share their copy-protection system. At the moment, software embedded in the digital downloads from Apple’s iTunes prevents music from being played on any rival to the iPod, but this new law would impose ‘interoperability’ on online music stores, making it possible to transfer music to other players, thereby breaking Apple’s monopoly. Apple’s iTunes attracts more than 70% of paid digital downloads in some countries. (When will they be bringing out the iHearingAid?)
– “GQ”

Over a lifetime’s worth of nights, the average human eats 8 spiders unknowingly.

Harvard Medical School psychologist Susan Linn is livid that Sesame Workshop has produced a new DVD aimed at babies and toddlers aged 6 months-to-2 years. Linn, who is the founder of the Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood, says there is no evidence that exposure to ‘screen media’ is beneficial for babies but there certainly are studies that suggest it may be harmful. Sesame Workshop is the production company responsible for “Sesame Street” on TV. (And what long-lasting effect did that show have on your formulating brain? It’s likely still junked up with “It’s Not Easy Bein’ Green”, “I Like Trash” and “One of These Things Doesn’t Belong”.)
– “Washington Post”

“I’m sick of everyone saying I married my husband for money. It just so happens I get turned on by liver spots.”
– Former ‘Playmate’ and gold-digger Anna Nicole Smith, who is awaiting a ruling from the US Supreme Court on her battle for her late geezer-husband’s wealth.


1949 [57] Ric Ocasek, Baltimore MD, classic rock musician (The Cars-“Drive”, “My Best Friend’s Girl”)/Mr Paulina Porizkova since 1989  FACTOID: He’s been replaced by Todd Rundgren in ‘The New Cars’ as they kick-off an international tour with Blondie MAY 12th in Robinsonville MS.

1953 [53] Chaka Khan (Yvette Stevens), Great Lakes IL, oldies singer (“I’m Every Woman”, “I Feel For You”)

1960 [46] George Fox, Cochrane AB, country singer with 4 CCMA Awards, 3 Junos and 23 top 10 hits (“I Give You My Word”, “Time Of My Life”)

1971 [35] Yasmeen Ghauri, Montréal QC, fashion model (Victoria’s Secret, Valentino Perfume)

1976 [30] Keri Russell, Fountain Valley CA, TV actress (“Into the West”, “Felicity” 1998-2002)/movie actress (“The Upside of Anger”)  COMING UP: “Mission: Impossible III”, opening MAY 5th.

• “Chip & Dip Day”. While North Americans might pick ‘Sour Cream & Onion’ or ‘Salt & Vinegar’ chips, the top flavors of ‘crisps’ in the UK include ‘Roast Beef & Mustard’ and ‘Smoked Ham & Pickle’. The Swiss like ‘Paprika’, while Thais choose ‘Prawn’, and in Egypt ‘Kebab’ is popular. The best dip? ‘Hot Bean with Jalapenos’ … or is it?

• “Organize Your Home Office Day”, which could involve shovelling off your desk, buying new slippers, and/or mapping out the shortest route to the fridge. Ask people with home offices to call in the coolest things about working at home … and the worst.

• “UN World Meteorological Day”, honoring everyone’s favorite topic of conversation … the weather. What overused weather clichés should be dumped? How about – “Mild, isn’t it?” (meaningless), “It’s nice out” (ditto), “Nice weather for ducks”, “It’s raining cats and dogs”, and the ever annoying “Hot [cold] enough for ya?”.

1743 [263] King George II invents the ‘Standing Ovation’ as he rises to his feet in appreciation of the first London performance of Handel’s “Messiah” (actually he was just suffering from a case of numb-bum)

1998 [08] “Titanic” wins a record-tying 11 Oscars at the 70th annual “Academy Awards”

1912 [94] 1st ‘Dixie Cup’ (next day the 1st dentist says, “Take this, rinse and spit …”)

[Fri] No Homework Day
[Sat] Family Day
[Sun] Make Up Your Own Holiday Day
[Sun] Legal Assistants Day
[Sun] Summer Time begins (Europe)
This Week Is . . . Poison Prevention Week
This Month Is . . . International Listening Awareness Month


You know all the answers to these questions … you just don’t know that you know.
• What is the center of gravity? [The letter ‘v’.]
• What is the moon worth? [A dollar … because it has 4 quarters.]
• What is the only 6-letter word in the English language that gives you 12 when you take away 1? [‘Dozens’, which becomes ‘dozen’.]
• What kind of coat can only be put on when it’s wet? [A coat of paint.]
• What kind of room has no windows or doors? [A mushroom.]

I’m grumpy this morning. I got up on the wrong side of the bed … and there’s a wall there.

A survey of employers reveals some of the most unusual excuses they’ve heard for employees not coming into work. Among them …
• “I was sprayed by a skunk.”
• “I tripped over my dog and was knocked unconscious.”
• “My bus broke down and was held up by robbers.”
• “I was arrested as a result of mistaken identity.”
• “I forgot to come back to work after lunch.”
• “I couldn’t find my shoes.”
• “I hurt myself bowling.”

• What dead person would you least want to be haunted by?
• What do you think Victoria’s Secret is?

Today’s Question: You spend 6 months of your life HERE.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Grocery store.

Only those who attempt the absurd can achieve the impossible.

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