Wednesday, March 13, 2013        Edition: #4940

Can You Believe This Sheet?

✳ The FBI has launched an investigation to track down a computer hacker who is alleged to have illegally obtained sensitive financial and personal information about a slew of celebrities, including Ashton Kutcher, Beyoncé, Britney Spears, Donald Trump, Jay Z, Kim Kardashian, Mel Gibson, and Paris Hilton. The website (which is not being disclosed) contains both basic personal info and screen grabs of financial statements from online banking accounts. (Time to go back to stuffing your money in your mattress!)
✳ An inside source says everything points to Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie getting married in May just after the Cannes Film Festival ends. The tip-off is that Pitt got a wedding licence at the end of last month which states they must wed within 90 days. And he was spotted storming around Paris on the weekend, black folder in hand, visiting shops. Brangelina are said to be set on marrying in the chapel on their $50-million Chateau Miraval estate in France. (This may be a little too close to Jennifer Aniston’s wedding date for her comfort.)
✳ It’s been announced Baz Luhrmann’s re-boot of “The Great Gatsby” will open this year’s Cannes Film Festival on May 15th. Leonardo Dicaprio & Carey Mulligan star in the latest bigscreen adaptation of F Scott Fitzgerald’s classic novel. The film will be the only one screened in 3-D at the festival. In keeping with Cannes tradition, the film will not be in contention for any awards, having waived that right by screening on opening night. (Which also saves the embarrassment of not winning any.)
✳ 2-time Academy Award nominee John Malkovich has landed the lead role of ‘Blackbeard’ in NBC-TV’s upcoming Summer series “Crossbones”. The 10-episode action-adventure series is set in the year 1715 and promises to deliver ‘the true legend’ of one of the most notorious pirates to ever sail the seas, Edward Teach (aka Blackbeard), who rules over the various thieves and ne’er-do-wells that populate the Bahamian island of New Providence. (“Pirates Of the Caribbean: On TV”)
✳ Actor-turned-director Ron Howard has been inducted into the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences’ Hall of Fame by Will Arnett, star of Howard’s TV production “Arrested Development”. “Law & Order” creator Dick Wolf was also honored at the gala held at LA’s Beverly Hilton, as was 76-year-old veteran journalist Bob Schieffer, who’s been with CBS News since 1969. (He’s still working, even moderating one of the presidential debates last year.)
✳ And the ‘swatter’ who was arrested for crank-calling 9-1-1 last year, claiming there were people inside Ashton Kutcher’s home with guns and explosives and that several victims had been shot, turns out to be … 12-years-old. The unnamed kid admitted to 2 felony counts in connection with the Kutcher prank and another on an LA bank. He’s also charged with ‘swatting’ Justin Bieber but has not admitted to that incident as yet. He’s been returned to his parents and faces sentencing soon. (We bet he’s grounded until he’s 57.)

• “American Idol” (FOX/CTV) – The top 10 finalists perform songs that have been performed by past winners.
• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – Aimee Mann (“Charmer”).
• “The Doors Live At the Bowl ‘68” (PBS) – 45-year-old footage from the Hollywood Bowl, highlighted by Jim Morrison & company performing “Light My Fire” and “Hello, I Love You”.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Tegan & Sara (“Heartthrob”). Rerun.
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Niki & The Dove (“Instinct”). Rerun.
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Justin Timberlake week continues.
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Richard Thompson (“Electric”).
• “Tavis Smiley” (PBS) – Snoop Lion (“Reincarnated”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – José James (“No Beginning No End”).
• “The View” (ABC/CTV) – Paloma Faith (“Fall to Grace”).
• “Yukon Gold” (History) – This new Canadian reality series tracks 4 mining crews on a modern-day gold rush in the wilderness.

• Baauer – The 23-year-old producer has been hit with a copyright lawsuit over his viral hit song “Harlem Shake”. Rapper Jayson Musson and Hector Delgado have both accused him of sampling their voices on the track without their permission. They’re both seeking damages.
• Justin Bieber – He tells German newspaper “Bild” that his London meltdowns last week can be blamed on his punishing schedule, grueling daily workouts, homesickness, and the strain of performing live.
• Justin Timberlake – His turn at hosting NBC-TV’s “Saturday Night Live” on the weekend earned the show its highest ratings in 14 months.
• Mötley Crüe – Turns out the reason frontman Vince Neil had to stop in the middle of a performance in Sydney, Australia on Sunday and immediately be rushed to hospital was a kidney stone attack.
• Rihanna – Givenchy designer Riccardo Tisci has created the spectacular outfit that she wears to open her “Diamonds” world tour show.
• Taylor Swift – Tonight she kicks off her 66-date, 47-city “Red Tour” in Omaha NE. Brit singer/songwriter Ed Sheeran opens all shows. Today Swift releases the video for “22”, the 4th single from her 5-million-plus-selling album “Red”.
• Tim McGraw – His new single “Highway Don’t Care” is about the pain of being torn apart by distance. It features Taylor Swift on vocals and Keith Urban on guitar. It’s the 2nd single from his #1 country album “Two Lanes of Freedom”.
• Tina Turner – She’s become the oldest person to grace a “Vogue” magazine cover as she appears on the April 2013 issue of the German edition. At 73-years-old, she surpasses Meryl Streep, who became the oldest when she covered USA “Vogue” at age 62.

Men in same-sex marriages are living longer, according to a new Danish study. In fact, progressively since the 1990s, mortality among men married to men has dropped to a level below that of unmarried or divorced men. However, same-sex married women have emerged as the female group with the highest mortality rate, most notably from cancer and suicide. The study also notes decreasing proportions of people cohabiting with a member of the opposite sex, and corresponding increases in the number of single people. (If these keeps up, soon there’ll only be dads and singles.)

Gunshot wounds? Stabbings? Impalements? Nope. Here’s what most patients admitted to hospital emergency rooms complain about …
5. Cough.
4. Headache.
3. Fever.
2. Chest pain.
1. Stomach & abdominal pain or cramps.
– Center for Health Statistics

Life is unfair. Not only do the rich get richer, but a new study finds that the beautiful develop more skills. The research has found that the best-looking golfers in the LPGA (as judged by people unfamiliar with golf) have better scores and win more tournament prize money. Why? The theory is that physically attractive athletes are rewarded more than unattractive athletes for each unit of effort. And being rewarded more, physically attractive athletes devote more effort to improving their productivity. Consequently they become more productive than less attractive athletes with comparable natural athletic talents. (Right. LeBron James … pretty.)
– “Boston Globe”

New terms leaking into our lingo …
✓ ‘Demitarian’ – A person who begins eating half as much meat as usual, while stopping short of giving it up. Not for dietary purposes, but in order to help the environment. Many scientists fear that our farming practices are destroying the natural world.
✓ ‘Goalodicy’ – The continued pursuit of a goal despite evidence that the goal cannot be achieved. If you suffer from goalodicy you find yourself so obsessed by the goal that you ignore the realities. You will think that the achievement of the goal will save you from all the difficult work, sacrifices, and choices that you really need to make.
✓ ‘Mega-commuter’ – A term used by census takers to describe people who commute at least 90 minutes and/or 50 miles (80 km) to work. About 0.2% of us spend that much time or more in vehicles or on trains and buses each day.

At long last, a company has designed a tablet fit for the use of the female gender which has thus far apparently gone unserved. The ‘ePad Femme’, designed and distributed by the Eurostar Group, is ‘the first tablet specifically for ladies’, that comes pre-loaded with apps concerning yoga, women’s fitness, pregnancy, grocery shopping, and cooking, plus a clothing size converter. A spokesperson says the intent is not sexist, merely to provide the ‘perfect gadget for the woman who might have difficulty downloading these apps’. (The ePad Femme: For women with no interests except their bodies and babies, which is apparently all of them.)

• The actors who played the “Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers” never shot a single fight scene. They were all performed by stunt people.
• All of the animals from the movies “Air Bud”, “Babe”, “Free Willy”, and “Homeward Bound” are now dead.


1950 [63] William H Macy, Miami FL, movie actor (“Wild Hogs”, “Fargo”)/TV actor (“Shameless” since 2011)/wed to actress Felicity Huffman since 1997

1956 [57] Dana Delaney, NYC, TV actress (‘Dr Megan Hunt’ on “Body of Proof” since 2011, “Desperate Housewives” 2007-12, “China Beach” 1988-91)

1960 [53] Adam Clayton, Chinnor UK, rock bassist (U2-“Vertigo”, “Beautiful Day”)

1972 [41] Common (Lonnie Lynn Jr), Chicago IL, rapper (“Love Of My Life”, “The Light”)/movie actor (“American Gangster”, “Smokin’ Aces”)

1985 [28] Emile Hirsch, Topanga CA, movie actor (“Milk”, “Into the Wild”)

• “Earmuffs Day”, celebrating the first ‘Earmuffs’ patent by one Chester Greenwood of Farmington, Maine on this day 136 years ago in 1877.

• “K-9 Veterans Day”, honoring all dogs who have served in the military. The US Army launched its ‘K-9 Corps’ 71 years ago today (1942).

• “Ken Day”, in honor of the 1961 date when Mattel introduced a boyfriend doll for ‘Barbie’. Note that ‘Ken Carson’ is 2 years younger than ‘Barbara Millicent Roberts’. (Cougar!)

• “Open an Umbrella Indoors Day”, when celebrants are encouraged to challenge the old superstition and note whether any bad luck befalls them. The superstition can be traced to the 11th century BC.

2008 [05] Comedian Billy Crystal signs a 1-day contract with the NY Yankees, then strikes out as the lead-off batter in a Spring training baseball game

1987 [26] Bryan Adams’ “Heat Of the Night” becomes the 1st-ever ‘cassette single’ (“What’s a cassette, Grandpa?)

2008 [05] Gold prices on the New York Mercantile Exchange hit $1,000 per ounce for the 1st time ever

1988 [25] Guinness Record for ‘World’s Longest Conga Line’ is created at the 27th annual “Calle Ocho Festival” in Miami, Florida … 119,980 people

[Thurs] “2013 mtvU Woodie Awards” (Austin TX)
[Thurs] Potato Chip Day
[Fri] Ides of March
[Sat] NCAA Basketball Tournament begins
[Sun] St Patrick’s Day
This Week Is … Older Persons Employment Week
This Month Is … Professional Social Work Month


First Kid: All homemade in special baby food Cuisinart. Quinoa! Spinach! Sweet Potatoes!
Second Kid: Crackers, fruit bags.
First Kid: Crib that Daddy put together himself while Mommy yelled at him.
Second Kid: Mommy’s bed. Daddy now has his own room with a mattress on the floor surrounded by socks.
First Kid: 100% organic cotton. Some even made of bamboo.
Second Kid: Target.
First Kid: Every night in a special bathtub that’s just the right size. Hand-washed with a soft cloth or silky sponge.
Second Kid: Twice a week. Swimming pools count.
First Kid: All handmade out of wood. Mostly Swedish.
Second Kid: Paper, Crayons, plastic “Bob the Builder” Hammer.
First Kid: “Baby Einstein” and “Sesame Street” only. Two 23-minute shows per day.
Second Kid: Has his own Netflix account.
First Kid: Diapers, then pull-ups, then some kind of training underwear, then underwear.
Second Kid: Might crap in a diaper until college.
– Adapted from

☎ Have you ever returned an item to a store for a refund after having used it? What happened?

We tell you their birth name, you tell us the show biz name we all know them by …
• Paul Hewson (Bono)
• Eric Bishop (Jamie Foxx)
• Jonathan Leibowitz (Jon Stewart)
• Gordon Sumner (Sting)
• Alicia Augello Cook (Alicia Keys)
• Richard Urbanski (Keith Urban)
• Curtis Jackson (50 Cent)
• Thomas Mapother IV (Tom Cruise)
• Amanda Rogers (Portia de Rossi)
• Ralph Lifschitz (Ralph Lauren)

A job is nice but it interferes with my life.

Question: According to a retail study, shoppers spend up to 31% more when they smell what?
Answer: Oranges.

Some of us quit looking for work when we find a job.

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