Thursday, March 14, 2013        Edition: #4941

Sheet Happens!

✳ A rep for 44-year-old actress Jennifer Aniston has refuted gossip blogger Perez Hilton’s report that she is planning a secret wedding in Hawaii with fiancé Justin Theroux ‘any day now’. The idea was purportedly to avoid interference from all the paparazzi in Los Angeles. But her spokesperson says the story is “All made up; there are no plans for a wedding in Hawaii.” (Funny how this comes up just as plans for a Brangelina wedding are seeming to gel.)
✳ When it comes to magazine covers, Taylor Swift and Rihanna aren’t selling well. If publishers want to move issues, they should try Scarlett Johansson or Katy Perry instead. That’s the finding of a new analysis of the best and worst sellers at the newsstand. Jessica Simpson and Britney Spears have also had little success of late. One conclusion from the study of fashion glossies is that singers do well at the newsstand, but not those who’ve been overexposed. (Are we listening, Ms Swift?)
✳ Jada Pinkett Smith has a message for Bieber haters, Rihanna bashers and media bullies: Back off! After seeing the abuse Justin Bieber endured at the hands of paparazzi while performing in London last week (and for whom her son Jaden served as the opening act), the 41-year-old actress has taken to her Facebook page to defend him along with other young celebs who’ve found themselves under a media microscope in recent years. “Are we bullying our young artists?” she asks. (‘Bullying’ has become 2013’s all-purpose hot-button word.)
✳ Some critics are raving about James Franco’s performance in the new movie “Spring Breakers” which got a screening at the SXSW festival in Austin TX. One review of the movie, which opens wide on March 22nd, states: “As a rapper who at one point performs fellatio on a gun, James Franco gives an understated performance.” (Huh?!?)
✳ And Miley Cyrus and her Aussie actor-fiancé Liam Hemsworth have split for good, according to a new report Wednesday. An insider close to the couple says the problem is she likes to party really hard and can be pretty wild. Another source says he needed to get away from Los Angeles and spend some time in his native Australia, where he’s been seen hanging with his actor-brother Chris. (We say the problem is her weird new blue hairdo.)

• “American Idol” (FOX/CTV) – Phillip Phillips performs; Bon Jovi performs; one finalist is sent home.
• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – Luke Bryan (“Spring Break: Here to Party”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Ziggy Marley (“Ziggy Marley in Concert”). Rerun.
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Local Natives (“Hummingbird”). Rerun.
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Justin Timberlake week continues.
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Elizabeth Cook (“Gospel Plow”).
• “2013 mtvU Woodie Awards” (Austin TX) – Tegan & Sara and rapper Machine Gun Kelly (MGK) host the 9th annual honors for new and up-and-coming artists as part of the SXSW festival. Performers include Macklemore & Ryan Lewis and Twenty One Pilots. The taped show airs on MTV and mtvU on Sunday.
• SXSW (Austin TX) – This morning Dave Grohl delivers the keynote speech at the Austin Convention Center as part of the annual music conference. Tonight he stages another Sound City Players gig, with appearances by Corey Taylor (Stone Sour), John Fogerty (CCR), Rick Nielsen (Cheap Trick), Stevie Nicks (Fleetwood Mac) among others.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Owl City w/Yuna (“The Croods Soundtrack”).
• Vive Latino Festival (Mexico City) – This multi-genre music festival runs through Sunday and features performances by Blur, Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros, Morrissey, Silversun Pickups, and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs plus a slew of local acts.

• Eric Clapton – Tonight in Phoenix AZ he kicks off a North American tour that culminates with his “Crossroads Guitar Festival” at NYC’s Madison Square Garden April 12-13.
• Frank Ocean – Producer Micah Otano has filed a lawsuit against him and co-writer/producer Malay, claiming he did not receive credit for his work on the song “Lost”. Otana is suing for breach of contract, fraud, rescission & restitution, copyright infringement, and declaratory relief.
• Journey – They’re planning to celebrate the band’s 40th anniversary this year, possibly with a special show in their hometown of San Francisco CA, most likely at AT&T Park. The band begins a tour of Europe with Whitesnake this Saturday.
• Justin Timberlake – “The 20/20 Experience” is now streaming in its entirety on iTunes and will continue to do so until its release next Tuesday. The  album could sell at least 500,000 copies in its opening week, easily securing him a #1 debut, according to
• Lady Gaga – She’s cruising around in style while she recovers from hip surgery after commissioning a designer to create a 24-karat gold-plated wheelchair, complete with reclining back. Nice to see she isn’t blowing all her money on stupid stuff.
• Taylor Swift – Someone in her management office is likely in big trouble after a woman found a pile of unread fan letters tossed in a dumpster and handed them to a reporter at a TV station in Nashville TN. The official excuse: Unopened mail got mixed up with opened mail. Sure.
• Van Halen – David Lee Roth says they’ll do some heavy touring in the UK and Europe at the end of 2013. The classic rockers may play as many as 60 shows on the European leg. Quote: “Van Halen is … like getting drunk on shots of really good Kentucky bourbon. You’ll have a great night, but you probably won’t want to see us again for 3 years.”

A BS selection of movies in the making …
• “The Beast” – Following the success of its “Wizard of Oz” prequel, “Oz the Great & Powerful”, Disney is in talks with screenwriter Joe Ahearne about scripting a live action version of its 1991 animated blockbuster “Beauty & The Beast” The follow-up may be a darker take on the classic fairytale and is expected to be filmed in 3-D.
• “Jane Got a Gun” – Michael Fassbender has left this new Western which stars Natalie Portman in the lead role, and is being replaced by Joel Edgerton who was already cast in a lesser role. The story centers around a woman who defends her home and her husband after he’s pursued by his double-crossing gang. Shooting’s scheduled to start in New Mexico in April.
• “Porno” – Filmmaker Danny Boyle (“Slumdog Millionaire”) is hoping to release this sequel to his 1996 hit “Trainspotting” in 2016, marking 20 years since the original black comedy about a group of heroin addicts. “Trainspotting” was based on a novel by Irvine Welsh, and the new film would loosely adapt Welsh’s follow-up novel.
• “Sexual Healing” – Actress S Epatha Merkerson is re-teaming with her former “Law & Order” co-star Jesse L Martin in this upcoming bio-pic. She’ll play the mother of the late Motown singer who was gunned down by his own father during an altercation in 1984. Lenny Kravitz was first slotted to play the soul legend but recently quit the pic. Filming begins this Summer.
• “Your Voice in My Head” – Actress Emily Blunt is reuniting with her brother-in-law Stanley Tucci in a new movie based on Emma Forrest’s memoir about her recovery from a suicide attempt. It was originally set to star Emma Watson, but she’s since dropped out. Blunt and Tucci last worked together on “The Devil Wears Prada” in 2006.

The thousands of sharks that emptied Florida beaches this week are later than usual, but their purpose sounds like the usual human Spring Break itinerary: Gulping down food, having sex, and seeking warmth. A spokesperson for the Florida Program for Shark Research, likens the mass grouping to people lined up to get into a football stadium, saying sharks are backed up trying to get into the warm water stream. Sharks are temperature dependent, seeking warmth in Winter just like humans. (Odds are they aren’t involved in any wet T-shirt contests however.)

How is the bag on your loaf of bread secured? It might seem insignificant whether it’s a twist-tie or one of those little plastic clips, but the battle between the two is over a $10.6-billion market. It’s been fought for more than half-a-century by the makers of the inconspicuous little products that cost a fraction of a penny to produce. Who’s winning the war? There seems to be general agreement that twist-ties have taken the lead with bread, while clips hold sway with buns, rolls, bagels, and English muffins. (So which is better? We say the twist-tie gives a tighter closure.)

✗ When they sing at the top of their lungs and are clearly off-key.
✗ When they rudely ask you to stop being so rude.
✗ When holidays roll around and they try to out-festive you with a shocking amount of decor.
✗ When they’re nosy and ask who was leaving your apartment at midnight.
✗ When they try to be your friend, even though you have nothing in common. At all.
✗ When you overhear their unpleasant sounds, including grunts.
✗ When they stink up the apartment building hallways with their weird and unidentified smells.
✗ When they awkwardly hit on you, even though it’s clear that you’re not into it.
✗ When their pets have a bigger role in your life than in theirs.
✗ In general, when they’re just jerks.
(And what’s your beef?)
– Adapted from

German food company Deli Garage has developed an edible spray paint for people wanting to give their meals a splash of color. The product, called ‘Food Finish’, comes in gold, silver, red, and blue. The spray paint has no taste by itself and can be applied to any item of food to offer a quirky alternative to regular meals. It takes a bit of patience, as the paint must be sprayed on layer-by-layer and allowed to dry in order to provide the perfect finish. (What food would be more palatable in a different color? Gold broccoli? Silver fish … er, maybe not.)

• Chimps have the mental recall ability of people with savant syndrome.
– “Financial Times”
• Women’s brains have more language proteins than men’s.
– “Science Daily”


1933 [80] Sir Michael Caine (Maurice Micklewhite), London UK, movie actor (“The Dark Knight Rises”, “Inception”)/2 Academy Awards (“Cider House Rules”, “Hannah & Her Sisters”)

1948 [65] Billy Crystal, Long Beach NY, movie actor (“Cars”, “City Slickers”)/2012 Academy Awards host/stand-up comedian

1958 [55] Prince Albert II of Monaco (Albert Alexandre Louis Pierre de Matignon-Grimaldi), Monte Carlo, Monaco, Monaco’s 32nd ruler following the 2005 death of his father, Prince Rainier

1970 [43] Kristian Bush, Knoxville TN, country singer/guitarist/mandolin player (Sugarland-“Stuck Like Glue”, “It Happens”)

1979 [34] Chris Klein, Hinsdale IL, movie actor (“The United States of Leland”, “American Pie” movies)

1986 [27] Jamie Bell, Billingham UK, movie actor (“The Adventures Of Tintin”, “Billy Elliot”)/wed to actress Evan Rachel Wood since 2012

• “International Ask a Question Day”, an annual observance whose goal is to improve our knowledge and lives by asking more and better questions. Such as …
– If you don’t pay your exorcist, will you be repossessed?
– What’s the plural of Lexus?
– What do chickens think we taste like?
– What do penguins wear for play clothes?
– At exactly what point does something go from being an ‘old piece of junk’ to being a ‘valuable antique’?

• “Popcorn Lover’s Day”, observed on the 2nd Thursday of March as a salute to one of our favorite snack foods. Popcorn is actually good for you when eaten plain; but not quite so healthy when loaded with salt and butter (or whatever that goo is they use in movie theaters).

• “Potato Chip Day”, honoring North America’s favorite snack food. It was invented by chef George Crum on this day in 1853 at a resort in Saratoga Springs NY after an uppity diner complained the potato slices were too thick. As a joke, Crum sliced a new batch paper-thin, fried them in boiling oil and salted them. The fussy patron loved the ‘crunchy potato slices’ which soon became known as ‘Saratoga chips’. Before long, grocery stores were selling them in bulk from large barrels. (What’s the best flavored potato chip?)

• “White Day”, celebrated in Japan, South Korea, Taiwan, and China. It’s sort of the flipside of Valentines Day. Men who received chocolate gifts on that occasion are expected to return the favor by giving gifts today. Traditionally, popular White Day gifts are cookies, jewellery, white chocolate, white lingerie, and marshmallows.

• “World Kidney Day”, an annual global health awareness campaign on the 2nd Thursday of March focused on reducing the frequency and impact of kidney disease and its associated health problems worldwide.

• “World Pi Day”, as in March 14 or 3/14 or 3.14 … get it? It honors the magic number for circles that expresses the ratio between radius and circumference. Supercomputers have computed pi to more than a trillion decimal places, which would take over 15,000 years to say out loud.

1958 [55] The Recording Industry Association of America awards the 1st ‘Gold Record’ (Perry Como’s “Catch a Falling Star”)

1992 [21] Researchers announce that broccoli fights cancer (kids everywhere moan)

1998 [15] “Nokia Presents The George Strait Chevy Truck Country Music Festival Brought To You By Wrangler” opens (likely setting some kind of record for sponsorship deals in a single event name)

[Fri] “The Call”; “The Incredible Burt Wonderstone” open in movie theaters
[Fri] Ides of March
[Fri] World Consumer Rights Day
[Sat] NCAA Basketball Tournament begins
[Sat] Lips Appreciation Day
[Sun] St Patrick’s Day
This Week Is … Wildlife Week
This Month Is … Eye Donor Month


● “Better save that … we’ll need it for the autopsy.”
● “Duke! Duke! Come back with that! Bad dog!”
● “Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?”
● “Sterile, schmerile … the floor’s clean, am I right?
● “Geez, I wish I hadn’t forgotten my glasses.”
● “What do you mean he WASN’T in for a sex change?!?”

☎ Name something small that you don’t really notice until you’re out of it. (Painkillers? Floss? Salt? Condoms?)

One of the following is NOT a real invention. Unbelievably, the others are. Find the fake!
• ‘The Musical Bra for Mozart Lovers’ that plays Mozart’s greatest hits – in stereo, of course.
• ‘The MP3 Hearing Aid’, allowing seniors to download tunes directly to their ear. [BS FAKE]
• ‘The Cigarette Ash Bib’ for people who smoke while they drive.

If you don’t go to people’s funerals, they won’t come to yours.

Question: When we need one of THESE, one-third of us use the same one every time.
Answer: Airline.

Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got.

Printer Friendly Version