Monday, March 14, 2016        Edition: #5646

Sheet Happens!

★ The body of Keith Emerson, co-founder of rock group Emerson, Lake and Palmer, was discovered by his girlfriend at their Santa Monica CA home on Thursday. A cause of death has yet to be announced, but undisclosed sources are now saying that the keyboardist suffered a single gunshot wound to the head and authorities are now viewing the case as a suicide. The 71-year-old had apparently been battling depression as he struggled with a degenerative nerve issue in his right hand that impacted his ability to play keyboards He had been scheduled to embark on a tour of Japan this week.
★ Actor Leonardo DiCaprio’s got bed bugs. With 4 decades of celebrity sex offences having come to light in recent years, it is an uncertain time for many A-list lotharios. Thankfully, one well-known shagger is taking all the right precautions. Leo bugs his hotel room before entertaining any ‘visitors’ so that he has a sound recording to prove that everything’s consensual.
★ Ariana Grande showed off her skill at celebrity impressions for “Saturday Night Live” viewers on the weekend, not only mimicking Britney Spears, Whitney Houston, and other singers, but also taking a shot at Oscar-winning actress Jennifer Lawrence. During a special Directors vs Actors edition of “Celebrity Family Feud”, Grande as Lawrence presented herself as America’s best friend. Grande’s “SNL” performance may be most remembered for her opening monologue, however, during which she flubbed a line and in reaction blurted out “Oh, s–t!”

• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Sia (“This is Acting”).
• “Late Late Show With James Corden” (CBS/M3) – Panic! At the Disco (“Death Of a Bachelor”).
• “Late Night With Seth Meyers” (NBC/CTV) – Drummer Matt Cameron (Pearl Jam).
• “Late Show With Stephen Colbert” (CBS/Global) – New Order (“Music Complete”).
• “Meredith Vieira” (syndicated) – Faith Evans (“The King & I”).
• “Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Aurora (“All My Demons Greeting Me As a Friend”).
• “The Voice” (NBC/CTV2) – Battle rounds begin. Mentors Diddy, Gwen Stefani, Patti LaBelle, and Tori Kelly.

• Adele – Scared of getting ill on tour, she insists her crew all have a weekly medical. No medical means no sticker on your pass. No sticker, no show.
• Ciara – The 30-year-old singer and Seattle Seahawks QB Russell Wilson are engaged, the twosome has announced on social media. Ciara posted a photo on Twitter of Wilson on bended-knee with the caption: “I feel complete.”
• Garth Brooks – He’s announced he’s postponing the release of a new album until the Summer due to his touring schedule and the time it’s taking for him to get back into writing new songs.
• Gwen Stefani – In “NY Times” about her marriage: “If I could, I would just tell you everything, and you would just be in shock. It’s a really good, juicy story.” Her ex, Gavin Rossdale, has been accused of having an affair with one of the couple’s nannies. Neither party has confirmed.
• Iron Maiden – Their touring plane, ‘Ed Force One’, has been badly damaged on the ground at Santiago Airport in Chile. Two ground tug operators have been injured in the collision and are recovering in hospital. The band’s world tour is expected to go ahead as planned.
• Kesha – Fans hit the streets of NYC on Friday to call on Sony Music bosses to release her from her contract. Around 35 demonstrators gathered to deliver various petitions, boasting more than 411,000 signatures. Some held up signs reading, “Free Kesha Now”.
• Mark Ronson – He reportedly tells anyone who sleeps in the same house as him that he sleepwalks … naked.
• One Direction – 22-year-old Harry Styles has reportedly been offered a role in Christopher Nolan’s upcoming film “Dunkirk” alongside Oscar-winner Mark Rylance, Kenneth Branagh, and Tom Hardy. The movie  tells the story of the WW2 evacuation of Allied troops in 1940.
• Pitbull – What do his friends call him? Pit.
• Zayn – Malik has some new ink on his right temple that looks to be a bird, possibly a phoenix, with the letters MOM. Some think it’s a tribute to his mother Trisha, but in the UK that would be spelled MUM. Instead it’s probably a reference to his new album “Mind of Mine”.

Our nights are getting warmer even faster than our days. And scientists think they know why. According to a press release from Uni Research, the number of very cold nights has dropped by 50% over the past 50 years, while the number of very cold days has dropped by only 25%. In the past scientists have blamed the difference on local factors, such as precipitation and cloud cover, but the new research claims the phenomenon is due to the fact that nighttime temps are more sensitive to climate change. The technical explanation is the radiation trapped by human carbon emissions has a smaller planetary boundary layer to heat at night. (Whoa … is that something to do with all the snoring?)

Words you might be surprised are turning 100-years-old in 2016, according to their earliest citations in “Oxford English Dictionary” …
✓ Economy Size – First mentioned in a 1916 ad for ‘Rough on Rats’ rodent poison, which you could get in economy size for 25 cents.
✓ F— All – First recorded in the proceedings of the trial of a British solider with the quote, “I give f— all for my life and I give f— all for yours and I’ll get you f— ing well shot.”
✓ Goof – The slang for a silly, stupid, or daft person first shows up in print in 1916, as does ‘goofus’.
✓ High-Maintenance – Mentioned in a 1916 engineering journal on the topic of roads. It wasn’t applied to people until 1982.
✓ Job Hunting – A paper in a science journal suggested it would be an improvement if the work of ‘job-hunting’ could be centralized in one free public employment bureau.
✓ Ponytail – It wasn’t yet a popular women’s hairstyle in 1916. It was first used to describe the locks of a man in a potboiler adventure novel about the Far East.
✓ Punchline – This term for the final phrase of a joke originates not in the era of the sitcom or standup comedy, but at the height of vaudeville.
✓ Realtor – Came into being when the National Association of Real Estate Boards decided there should be a designated professional title for its members.
– Sourced from

Yesterday we North Americans mindlessly set our clocks ahead and bemoaned the hour we won’t get back until October. And it seems there are good reasons for our reservations about Daylight Saving Time … it brings with it several risks. Studies show there’s less productivity on what’s often called ‘Sleepy Monday’ as well as increased odds of workplace accidents. There’s also a 6% rise in traffic accidents during the first 2 days after the change. So why do we do it? According to the book “Spring Forward: The Annual Madness of Daylight Saving Time”, no one can say for sure and it’s not even conclusive who first proposed it. What is known is that we all revel in the long Summer evenings made possible by the shift in time. (So how late were you this morning?)
– Adapted from

A new ranking of the cost of living among cities, based on 400 prices across 160 products & services …
1. Singapore
2. Hong Kong
3. Zurich, Switzerland
4. Geneva, Switzerland
5. Paris, France
– “Wall Street Journal”

• The ‘World’s Largest Cruise Ship’ just got its first taste of the open ocean, setting sail from France for a trial run. The $1.1-billion ‘Harmony Of the Seas’, which will make its debut for Royal Caribbean International in May, is 1,187 feet-long, 210 feet-tall, and weighs 227,000 tons. At full capacity, it holds more than 6,000 passengers and a crew of 2,000. It features 100-foot slides down 10 decks, robot bartenders, virtual balconies for interior cabins, and a zip-line across 9 decks.
– “The Guardian”
• Yisrael Kristal came very close to dying in the Holocaust along with millions of others, including his wife and their 2 children. Instead, the 112-year-old survived Auschwitz and has now been confirmed as ‘World’s Oldest Man’. Kristal, who moved to Haifa, Israel after the war, was born in Poland in 1903 and spent his working life running successful confectionery businesses. But we get no tips on how he’s made it to 112. “I don’t know the secret for long life,” he tells Guinness Book of World Records.
– BBC News

If you put your fingertip in your ear and wiggle it up and down it makes the Pac-Man sound effect.


1933 [83] (Sir) Michael Caine (Maurice Micklewhite), London UK, movie actor (“Kingsman: The Secret Service”, “The Dark Knight Rises”)

1948 [68] Billy Crystal, Long Beach NY, movie actor (“Cars”, “City Slickers”)/9-time Academy Awards host/stand-up comedian

1958 [58] Prince Albert II of Monaco (Albert Alexandre Louis Pierre de Matignon-Grimaldi), Monte Carlo, Monaco, Monaco’s 32nd ruler

1970 [46] Kristian Bush, Knoxville TN, country singer-guitarist-mandolin player (Sugarland-“Stuck Like Glue”, “It Happens”)

1986 [30] Jamie Bell, Billingham UK, TV actor (“TURN: Washington’s Spies” since 2014)/movie actor (“Fantastic Four”, “The Adventures Of Tintin”)

1986 [30] Este Haim, LA CA, rock bassist-guitarist (Haim-“If I Could Change Your Mind”, “The Wire”)

1994 [22] Ansel Elgort, NYC, movie actor (“The Divergent Series”, “The Fault in Our Stars”)

• “Annual Coffee Cup Washing Day”, a day to give your scum-laden, germ-infested coffee mug at work its annual clean-out … whether it needs it or not.

• “Canberra Day”, celebrated on the 2nd Monday in March in the Australian Capital Territory.

• “Commonwealth Day”, observed on the 2nd Monday in March to honor the loose association of 53 countries in the British Commonwealth (the one-time British Empire). It now entails some 2 billion people or about 30% of the world’s population. These days, however, the organization is more symbolic than functional as most countries now have other economic alliances.

• “Fill Our Staplers Day”, because every little insignificant function we perform in day-to-day life needs its own day, right?

• “International Ask a Question Day”, an annual observance whose goal is to improve our knowledge and lives by asking more and better questions. Such as …
– Do you have anything to do if you work at a ‘Duty-Free Shop’?
– Do we now call them ‘wetlands’ because no one would give environmentalists money to save a ‘swamp’?
– If you go to the ‘Missing Persons Bureau’, is there anyone there?
– If a bouncer gets drunk, who throws him out?

• “Napping Day”, a chance to catch up on the hour of sleep we lost yesterday due to the switch to Daylight Saving Time.

• “Potato Chip Day”, honoring North America’s favorite snack food. It was invented by chef George Crum on this day in 1853 at a resort in Saratoga Springs NY after an uppity diner complained the potato slices were too thick. As a joke, Crum sliced a new batch paper-thin, fried them in boiling oil and salted them. Before long, grocery stores were selling them in bulk from large barrels. (What’s the best flavored potato chip?)

• “World Pi Day”, as in March 14 or 3/14 or 3.14 … get it? It honors the magic number for circles that expresses the ratio between radius and circumference. Supercomputers have computed pi to more than a trillion decimal places, which would take over 15,000 years to say out loud.

2006 [10] U2 tops “Rolling Stone” magazine’s annual list of the year’s biggest money earners with $154.2 million, ahead of the Rolling Stones with $92.5 million

1998 [18] “Nokia Presents The George Strait Chevy Truck Country Music Festival Brought To You By Wrangler” opens (a record for sponsorship deals in a single event’s name?)

[Tues] Ides of March
[Tues] International Day of Action Against Canadian Seal Slaughter
[Tues] World Consumer Rights Day
[Wed] “Nashville” season premiere (ABC)
[Wed] No Selfies Day

Agriculture Week / International Brain Awareness Week / Stand Up! LGBT Awareness Week / Termite Awareness Week


Highlight bits culled from 22 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
• The official emblem of Ireland is the shamrock. (BS, it’s the harp.)
• ‘Donald Duck’ was once banned in Finland because he doesn’t wear pants. (TRUE.)
• Turtles can breathe through their shells. (BS, but – no BS – they can through their butts!)
• The King of Hearts is the only king in a standard deck of cards without a moustache. (TRUE.)
• Humans share a third of their DNA with lettuce. (TRUE. You’ve got a real head on your shoulders!)
– First published in “BS” 2001.

✓ The early bird gets … the least horrific morning commute.
✓ He who laughs last … has the slowest Internet connection.
✓ If you can’t beat them … talk smack about them on Facebook.
✓ You can’t have your cake and … still pretend to be on a juice cleanse.
✓ A friend with weed is a friend indeed.
✓ When the cat’s away … the roaches reclaim the apartment.
✓ The grass is always greener … when you’re still on your parents’ insurance plan.
✓ A watched pot never boils … and you’re out of ramen anyway.
✓ Interns can’t be chosers.
✓ Actions speak louder than … passive-aggressive texts.
✓ If at first you don’t succeed … quit and binge-watch “House of Cards”.
✓ Keep your friends drunk and your enemies drunker.
– First published in “BS” 2014.

☎ Which pastry should we shoot into space as a peace offering to hostile civilizations?

Just viewed a house for sale that’s entirely filled with mirrors. I thought, I can really see myself living here.

Question: Which is our favorite dinner entrée to celebrate a special occasion?
Answer: Steak.

It’s not the pace of life that’s concerning; it’s the sudden stop at the end.

Greg Rhodes @ T-100 [WCLT] Columbus OH;  Barry Hamilton @ Zinc 101.9 [4MK] Mackay QLD Australia; Charlie James @ News-Talk 1250 [WTMA] Charleston SC; Brandon Hall @ Country 100.7 FM Moose Jaw SK; AJ Parrish @ 106.3 Smooth FM [WEIB] Springfield MA; Emrah Saka @ Power FM Istanbul, Turkey; and Bonnie Holzhei @ “Johnny & Blondie Live” on Periscope, Bay City MI.

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