Wednesday, March 16, 2011        Edition: #4463
It’s Your Daily Constitutional Sheet!

Aflac Inc has severed ties with comedian Gilbert Gottfried, the longtime voice of the insurer’s duck mascot (‘A-FLACK!’), after he made a series of crude jokes about the Japan earthquake and tsunami via Twitter (not only insensitive – STUPID!) . . . Millionaire mogul-turned-TV personality Donald Trump says that he MAY help jailed “Celebrity Apprentice” contestant Richard Hatch, who’s turned himself in to authorities for parole violations relating to his tax evasion on the $1 million prize from the original “Survivor” (Donald will only help if it involves OPM – Other People’s Money) . . . A woman arrested for stalking TV host Ellen DeGeneres has been sentenced to 3 years probation and ordered by a judge to stay away from ‘both Mrs DeGeneres’ (we’re guessing that’s the first time that phrase has been used in court) . . . 55-year-old actor Mel Gibson is officially a scary grandpa 3 times over, celebrating the birth of his third grandchild (out of force of habit, he’s suing for custody) . . . Disney has now scuttled a planned movie remake of The Beatles’ “Yellow Submarine” (1968) being developed by Robert Zemeckis, producer of the just-opened box office bomb “Mars Needs Moms” (amazing how losing $150 million can change your mind) . . . 48-year-old movie director Steven Soderbergh (“Ocean’s 11” films, “Erin Brockovich”) has announced he’ll retire after finishing his next 2 movies: a Liberace biopic starring Michael Douglas & Matt Damon; and a George Clooney version of the vintage TV show “The Man From UNCLE” (1964-68) . . . Frisky 26-year-old actor Ryan Phillippe’s ex-girlfriend, sometime actress Alexis Knapp, is reportedly pregnant and so far he’s not denying paternity (new girlfriend, “Red Riding Hood” actress Amanda Seyfried, must be thrilled!) . . . And Nicole ‘Snooki’ Polizzi (“Jersey Shore”) has landed her smilin’ face on the cover of the “Rolling Stone” (uh, remember when it was a music magazine?).

• “American Idol” (FOX/CTV) – The finalists perform in hope of impressing judges and voters.
• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – Classic rock band Cheap Trick.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – The Wombats (“This Modern Glitch”, out April 11th).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Screaming Females (“Castle Talk”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/Omni) – Selena Gomez (“Who Says”).
• “Lopez Tonight” (TBS) – Ciara (“Basic Instinct”).
• “Woodie Awards” (mtvU) – MTV’s 24-hour college network hands out its 7th annual honors live from the “SXSW Festival” in Austin TX. The Black Keys lead nominations with 2. They’ll face off against Arcade Fire, BoB, LCD Soundsystem, and Wiz Khalifa for ‘Woodie Of the Year’.

• Alan Jackson – His first-ever Australian tour was a big success, selling out 6 concerts in 4 venues across 3 states.
• Avril Lavigne – She’s posted pics on Twitter of her getting a neck tattoo of a safety pin. (Hey, anything’s better than having Brody Jenner’s name permanently inked on your hide.)
• Bon Jovi – In a new magazine interview, Jon Bon Jovi is accusing Apple CEO Steve Jobs of ‘killing’ the music industry with iTunes because fans no longer enjoy the ‘magical experience’ of buying records in a store. (Even he admits he’s starting to sound like an old man.)
• Duran Duran – Tonight the veteran Brit rockers play Stubbs in Austin TX as part of the annual “SXSW Festival”. Their 13th studio album, “All You Need Is Now”, hits stores March 22nd.
• Greg Allman – The Nashville-born Southern rocker (“Low Country Blues”) tells NPR he’s been approached about doing a country album and will pursue the idea if he finds the ‘right kind of country songs’.
• James Blunt – The one-hit–wonder (“You’re Beautiful”) tells an Italian news channel he’ll be performing at the royal wedding of Prince William & Kate Middleton, but not by singing … by playing the church organ. (He’s kidding, we dearly hope.)
• Jennifer Lopez – She says her next single will be “I’m Into You”, featuring New Orleans rapper Lil Wayne.
• Kenny Chesney – The country star has partnered with Costa to design his first collection of ‘Kenny Chesney Limited Edition’ sunglasses. Proceeds from sales will benefit the environmental group Coastal Conservation Association.
• Madonna – She’s the “Out Magazine” cover girl for their ‘Ladies We Love’ issue, which features a gallery of never-before-seen vintage pics from one of her earliest photoshoots.
• Mariah Carey – She’s reportedly brought her dogs to a pet psychologist to prepare them for the arrival of her twins later this year. (Seems you CAN have too much money.)
• Shakira – A Colombian magazine is featuring a cover shot of her locking lips with her rumored new boyfriend, FC Barcelona soccer star Gerard Pique.

This week “Modernist Cuisine” has been published by Nathan Myhrvold, Chris Young & Maxime Bilet. With over 2,400 pages and a price tag of $625, the 6-volume cookbook set is a deep investigation into the science of cooking, filled with avant-garde techniques. Many recipes involve ‘sous vide’ cooking (in which ingredients are sealed in airtight plastic bags and slowly cooked, often in water), and the book’s list of ‘must-have tools’ includes liquid nitrogen, a centrifuge, and a tabletop homogenizer. Total time for the book’s hamburger recipe, for instance, is 30 hours, including time for the bun dough to rise, 2.5 hours for preparation, and 20 minutes for assembly. (About 29 hours, 57 minutes longer than McDonald’s.)
– “Wall Street Journal”

New terms leaking into the lingo …
• ‘Arthurs’ – Irish slang for a pint of Guinness; as in Arthur Guinness, the brewery founder. Millions of ‘Arthurs’ will pass the lips of the wannabe Irish on St Patrick’s Day tomorrow.
• ‘Creeping Dose’ – A form of radiation poisoning that can cause severe organ damage if exposure is long-term. Could become a problem in Japan.
• ‘Excess Quality’ – A problem that faces TV networks, which pour money into quality television programs only to have viewers watch cheap unscripted reality shows.

University of California at San Francisco researchers say that people who require as little as 4 hours sleep per night, known as ‘short sleepers’, have a mutation on a gene known as hDEC2 that regulates their sleep-wake cycle. This mutation allows them to function on less sleep, researchers say. A natural ‘short sleeper’ has several competitive advantages: Many with the mutation hold down 2 jobs and also enjoy diverse interests because each day they have 2-to-3 more hours to do things. (Morning radio people are all ‘short sleepers’ but not by choice.)

Due to its susceptibility to earthquakes, Japan enacted a strict building code in 1981 requiring structures to be built using ductile reinforced concrete. While no buildings are earthquake proof, the material provides a flexibility that can help withstand significant tremors. Even so, the estimated total  damage caused by the Japanese earthquake, tsunami, and fires is $100 billion. Less than $35 billion will be covered by insurance as fewer than 17% of homeowners have earthquake insurance. Scientists say Friday’s earthquake was 8,000 times stronger than the one that rocked Christchurch, New Zealand last month.
– Excerpted from “The Toilet Paper”

A million bucks ain’t what it used to be. Heck, it’s not even enough to make rich people feel rich anymore. Some 42% of the more than 1,000 millionaires surveyed by financial services company Fidelity say they do not feel wealthy. These respondents have at least $1 million in investable assets, excluding any real estate or retirement accounts. The poll seems to point out that even millionaires are still worried about outliving their assets. So, how much is enough? The new magic number seems to be … $7.5 million. (A septa-demi millionaire?)

Southern California researchers have found evidence of ingestion of plastic among small fish in the northern Pacific Ocean. About 35% of the fish collected on a research expedition off the West Coast had plastic in their stomachs, according to a recent study. The fish ingested 2 pieces of plastic on average, but scientists who dissected hundreds of plankton-eating lanternfish found as many as 83 plastic fragments in a single fish. The study raises the concern that garbage, as it works its way through the food chain, could be ingested by humans.
– “Los Angeles Times”

In a recent survey of homeowners, fully 75% of respondents say they keep some sort of ‘to-do’ list for household chores. 50% have at least 3 items on the list, and 10% have 10 tasks or more. So what’s the weirdest chore in your ‘job jar’? What unfinished job’s been on your ‘to do’ list the longest? How long? (Surprise the worst procrastinator by arranging to have the job done for them.)
– PA News

Volvo researchers believe that in the future they will be able to stop cars from ever crashing. They’re developing an ‘auto-braking’ technology to ensure that cars come to a stop when they sense another car coming close to them, either from the front or from the side.


1949 [62] Victor Garber, London ON, movie actor (“Milk”, “Titanic”)/TV actor (“Eli Stone” 2008-09, “Alias” 2001-06)/Broadway actor (“Damn Yankees”)

1954 [57] Nancy Wilson, San Francisco CA, classic rock singer (Heart-“Alone”, “Dreamboat Annie”)

1967 [44] Lauren Graham, Honolulu HI, TV actress (‘Sarah Braverman’ on “Parenthood” since 2010, “Gilmore Girls” 2000-07)/movie actress (“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs”, “Bad Santa”)

1969 [42] Judah Friedlander, Gaithersburg MD, TV actor  (‘Frank Rossitano’ on “30 Rock” since 2006)

1991 [20] Wolfgang Van Halen, Santa Monica CA, rock bassist (Van Halen since 2006)/son of Eddie Van Halen & Valerie Bertinelli

• “Annual Coffee Cup Washing Day”, a day to give your scum-laden, germ-infested coffee mug at work its annual clean-out … whether it needs it or not.

• “Everything You Do Is Right Day” … dear.

• “Freedom of Information Day”, celebrating the idea that all citizens in a democracy can access government information. (If they have a lawyer and a dozen years to burn.)

• “Lips Appreciation Day”, when we’re encouraged to do something nice for our lips … kiss somebody. (Go ahead, pick someone at random and see how big the lawsuit is that ensues.)

• “St Urho’s Day”, celebrating the (tongue-in-cheek) saint who allegedly ‘cleared the grasshoppers out of Finland’. The mock holiday is observed in parts of Canada and the USA. For instance, Finnish-Americans in Rolla, North Dakota are staging their 7th annual parade.

1991 [20] 7 of country singer Reba McEntire’s band members are killed in a plane crash

1996 [15] “One Sweet Day” by Mariah Carey & Boyz II Men stays at #1 for a 16th week in-a-row, setting a new record for the longest a single has remained atop the chart

1971 [40] 1st televised “Grammy Awards” (Simon & Garfunkel’s “Bridge Over Troubled Water” is named ‘Best Song’, ‘Best Album’, and ‘Record Of the Year’)

1996 [15] 1st NHL game in Montreal’s new Molson Centre (now Bell Centre) which Canadiens win 4-2 over NY Rangers)

2000 [11] Dow Jones scores largest daily gain to date … 499.19 points

2003 [08] Largest coordinated worldwide vigil takes place, a global protest against the Iraq War

[Thurs] St Patrick’s Day
[Fri] Biodiesel Day
[Fri] “Limitless”; “The Lincoln Lawyer”; “Paul” open in movie theaters
[Sat] 22nd GLAAD Media Awards (NYC)
[Sat] Full ‘Worm’ Moon
[Sun] Spring arrives
[Sun] Atheist Pride Day
[Sun] Naw-Ruz (Persian New Year)
This Week Is … Poison Prevention Week
This Month Is … Eye Donor Month


‘Climb over the fence’ and ‘That bear won’t bite.’
‘Oops’ and ‘Prepare for emergency landing’.
‘Big, hungry Rottweiler’ and ‘Testicles’.
‘Compassionate’ and ‘Conservative’.
‘This child’ and ‘Surprise, its yours!’.
‘Funny’ and ‘Conan’.
‘She has one big eye in the middle of her forehead’ and ‘Likes you’.
‘Rosie O’Donnell’ and ‘Thong’.
(Ask listeners to contribute more.)

We’ve got a cat named ‘Ben Hur’. We called it ‘Ben’ till it had kittens.

• Whyzit when women hold off from marrying we call it ‘independence’ but when men do we call it ‘fear of commitment’?
• Whyzit there is a need to nail down lids of coffins?
• Whyzit signs that say ‘Slow Children’ have a picture of a kid running?
• Whyzit women marry men hoping they will change but men marry women hoping they won’t?
• Whyzit they lock service station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

• At a restaurant, what should you do with the garnish on your plate?
a. Gently slide it to the edge of your plate and ignore it.
b. Admire it, then remove it and place it on a side plate.
c. Eat it. [CORRECT. Parsley, orange wedges, and celery all are natural breath fresheners meant to be ingested after a meal.]
– “Prevention Magazine”

• You suffer from ‘misocainia’. Which do you have an abnormal aversion to?
a. TV talk shows.
b. New ideas. [CORRECT. You can’t stand them.]
c. Drinks containing sucrose.

Should there be a marijuana limit for drivers similar to the alcohol limit? [Colorado legislators are considering a bill that would set a limit of THC in blood – 5 nanograms per milliliter – above which a person would be considered ‘too stoned to drive’.]

Today’s Question: THIS is happening to 35% of men right now.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: They are being cyber-stalked.

A meeting is where people talk about things they should be doing.

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