Monday, March 18, 2013        Edition: #4943

Either Sheet or Get Off the Air!

✳ Prosecutors have closed the door on plea negotiations with Lindsay Lohan and are set to begin trial today. It’s believed negotiations broke down because she denies lying to cops in connection with her car accident last June. She claimed she wasn’t driving the Porsche that crashed into a truck on Pacific Coast Highway while evidence shows she was. She risks jail time if convicted as she’s still on probation for a string of legal woes that started with her 2007 arrest for DUI and cocaine possession. (How’s she become so famous just by screwing up?)
✳ Yahoo! has made a big announcement at SXSW in Austin TX, revealing it’s launching its own international music festival. “Yahoo! On the Road” will feature artists like Frank Ocean, J Cole, Jay-Z, Justin Timberlake, Macklemore & Ryan Lewis, and Trey Songz. Of the 21 dates on the tour, 14 will be in the US and the remainder in Europe. A press release describes it as a ‘daily mobile entertainment and innovation festival this Spring/Summer featuring the world’s hottest bands, comedians, and surprise guests’. (The festival calendar is getting extremely crowded!)
✳ A musical based on the drama behind “The X Factor” TV show will open in London’s West End next year. “X Factor – It’s Time to Face the Musical!” is described as ‘an affectionate poke at the world’s most talked about talent show’. The story follows ‘Chenice’, the only girl in the world who has never heard of “X Factor”, who meets a talking dog in the audition line-up and they journey to stardom and love. (Sounds like a winner, no?)
– “Sunday Telegraph”
✳ Have actress Julianne Hough and TV personality/producer Ryan Seacrest called it quits? Sources close to the two confirm that, due to their hectic schedules, the ‘power couple’ has decided to go their separate ways but remain close friends. Julianne (24) and Ryan (38) were first spotted together in 2007, but only recently went public with their romance. (He was dating her when she was 18?!?)
✳ On Saturday, Madonna presented CNN anchor Anderson Cooper with media watchdog group GLAAD’s annual ‘Vito Russo Award’. It’s named after the activist and film historian who was one of the founding member of the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation. The honor was in recognition of Cooper’s stature and accomplishment as an openly gay journalist. Past winners of the award have included Suze Orman, Rosie O’Donnell, Elton John, and Tom Ford. (To be precise, Cooper has only been ‘openly gay’ since last Summer.)
✳ And diminutive acting couple Danny DeVito (68-years-old/5-ft-tall) and Rhea Perlman (64/5’-1½”) are reportedly back together after separating last year. The Hollywood couple wed in 1982 and have 3 kids, all in their 20s. They called time-out on their 30-year marriage last October, but have reportedly spent the past 5 months working on issues, leading to a reconciliation. (BS: translation: They looked in the mirror and admitted to themselves they’re not likely to find someone else interested in a homely dwarf.)

• “The Biggest Loser” (NBC) – All the contestants from this season reunite; the winner is announced.
• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – Brandi Carlile (“Bear Creek”). Rerun.
• “Dancing With the Stars” (ABC) – Season 16 debut with a new lineup of ‘celebs’ competing, including Andy Dick, DL Hughley, Dorothy Hamill, Kellie Pickler, Sean Lowe, and Wynonna Judd.
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Delta Rae (“If I Loved You”). Rerun.
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Kip Moore (“Up All Night”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Killer Mike (“R.A.P. Music”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – James Hunter (“Hard Way”).

• Arctic Monkeys – The Brit rockers have been in the US recording the follow up to 2011’s “Suck It and See”, and it looks like the new recording will be released sometime later this year.
• Blake Shelton – He remains atop the ‘Billboard Country Songs’ chart this week with “Sure Be Cool If You Did”.
• Jay-Z – He’s the executive producer of the soundtrack for Australian director Baz Luhrmann’s new film adaptation of “The Great Gatsby”. The movie opens the 2013 Cannes Film Festival on May 10th. ‘Hov’ also contributed a few newly written songs to the score.
• Joy Formidable – Tonight the Welsh trio commences a North American headlining tour in Santa Ana CA. Their latest album is “Wolf’s Law”.
• Justin Timberlake – Tonight his album release party for “The 20/20 Experience” streams live on Yahoo! at 6 pm PT. The festivities will be recorded and televised on the CW Network tomorrow evening.
• Morrissey – He’s now scrapped the remaining 22 dates of his North American tour, beginning with tonight’s gig scheduled for Lawrence KS. He’s been struggling with health issues since January, most recently diagnosed with double pneumonia.
• Nicki Minaj – Known for her over-the-top style, she had a ‘make-under’ for the April issue of “Elle” magazine. They took away her Barbie doll makeup and crazy hair, which Minaj admits made her feel naked. Quote: “It was scary!”
• Queen – Tom Hooper, who directed “Les Misérables”, is rumored to be lined up to direct a forthcoming Freddie Mercury biographical movie starring Sacha Baron Cohen.
• Rascal Flatts – They finished off their first-ever visit to Australia on the weekend as part of the 2-day “CMC Rocks the Hunter 2013 Festival” at Hope Estate.
• Wynnona Judd – The country singer-turned-“Dancing With the Stars” contestant says she’s trying to get back to her original weight … 8 lbs and 15 oz.

First Florida had a massive swarming of sharks offshore over the past few weeks, now it seems the state is about to be invaded by … gallinippers. A type of giant mosquito, the gallinipper is one ferocious insect. Even in their larval stage, they are so tough they’ll eat tadpoles and other small aquatic prey. They grow to the size of a quarter, and as adults feed day and night. Their bodies are strong enough to bite through clothing, and they’re known to go after pets, wild animals, and even fish. (Is Florida the new Egypt when it comes to plagues?)

A succinct guide written by a 2nd-grader …
• Don’t wear clothes at the dinner table.
• Pick your favorite stuffed animal and pick a hat for your favorite stuffed animal.
• Don’t do your homework on the weekends or on Friday.
• Eat with your mouth open and talk when you have food in it.
• Everywhere you go in your house, do the frog hop.

A Finnish microbrewery will replicate beer discovered in a nearly 200-year-old shipwreck at the bottom of the Baltic Sea in 2010. Stallhagen plans to begin selling the ale next year, describing it as ‘one of the oldest existing beers in the world’. Divers discovered the beer in July 2010, as they salvaged champagne bottles from the wreck, which makes both the champagne and the beer the world’s oldest. The beer was found to be still drinkable after being preserved by cool temperatures, pressure from the sea, and total darkness. (“Tarbender, gimme another bottle of Ol’ Skunky!”)

Sensible advice about food safety ….
✓ Most chicken you purchase in the supermarket has one or both of the bugs salmonella and campylobacter. This is why you should handle it carefully, cook it throughly, and wash all surfaces that it touches.
✓ Always wash fruit. When you slice into a watermelon, you’re transporting whatever is on the outside to the inside. Berries may be imported from far away. You’d most certainly wash them if you were eating them in another country, right?
✓ Do not eat pre-packaged raw cookie dough. It can contain E coli.
✓ Forget about pink burgers. Ground beef should be cooked thoroughly to kill toxin-producing E coli.
✓ Do not eat runny eggs. It’s estimated that 1-in-10,000 eggs are contaminated with salmonella. Long odds, perhaps, but why take the chance?
✓ If you’re eating local, know which farm your food’s coming from so you feel comfortable with its source.
✓ Be willing to pay more for food. It costs more to operate a cleaner environment.
Bottom line: Cook most foods thoroughly, follow the directions on packages, wash your hands.
– Condensed from

• Designers of a Japanese book on flowers called “Shiki no Kusabana” are hoping for the Guinness Record for ‘World’s Smallest Printed Book’. The 22-page micro-book features pages that are only 0.75 millimeters square (0.03 inches), about the size of the eye of a needle. They are impossible to read with the naked eye.
• A cat named ‘Wadsworth’ in Bedford, England may be the oldest documented living cat. Ann Munday adopted him from a veterinarian back in 1986. He just celebrated his 27 birthday but still has a long way to go to beat the world record for cat longevity. That was set by a cat in Texas who died in 2005 … at age 38.

• The new pope has only one lung. Pope Francis had one removed as a teenager.
• On most human hands, the length of the middle finger is exactly the same as the width of the hand.
– “Fun Facts”


1963 [50] Vanessa Williams, Tarrytown NY, TV actress (“Ugly Betty” 2006-2010)/pop singer (“Save the Best For Last”, “Colors Of the Wind”)/movie actress (“Hannah Montana: The Movie”, “Johnson Family Vacation”)/Broadway actress (“Into the Woods”, “Kiss Of the Spider Woman”)

1966 [47] Jerry Cantrell, Tacoma WA, alt-rock guitarist/vocalist (Alice in Chains-“Check My Brain”, “No Excuses”)

1970 [43] Queen Latifah (Dana Owens), Newark NJ, movie actress (“The Secret Life of Bees”, “Chicago”)/hip-hop/jazz/pop singer (“Persona”)

1972 [41] Dane Cook, Boston MA, comedian (“Rough Around the Edges”)/movie actor (“My Best Friend’s Girl”, “Good Luck Chuck”)

1979 [34] Adam Levine, LA CA, pop singer (Maroon 5-“Moves Like Jagger”, “She Will Be Loved”)/TV personality (“The Voice”, since 2011)

1980 [33] Daren Taylor, LA CA, indie rock drummer (Airborne Toxic Event–“Changing”, “Sometime Around Midnight”)  BS FACTOID: Airborne Toxic Event begins a headlining tour across North America in San Diego CA on March 30th. Their 3rd album, “Such Hot Blood”, is due sometime this Spring.

• “Awkward Moments Day”, a day to celebrate the humor in life’s uncomfortable and embarrassing situations. (Which we normally fail to see until years later.)

• “Biodiesel Day”, in honor of the clean-burning fuel that can be used in any diesel engine with no conversion whatsoever. It is derived from 100% renewable resources like soybeans, canola, mustard seed, even recycled cooking oil. It’s celebrated on the anniversary of the 1858 birth of Rudolph Diesel, the German inventor of the diesel engine.

• “Forgive Mom & Dad Day”. No matter how lousy they were as parents, it’s time to let it go and get on with your life.

2009 [04] 45-year-old English actress Natasha Richardson (Mrs Liam Neeson) dies in NYC following a head injury suffered 2 days earlier during a ski lesson at Mont Tremblant, Québec

1998 [15] Michael Jackson goes shopping at a toy store in Munich, Germany … dressed as an Arab woman

1931 [82] 1st ‘Electric Razor’, marketed by Schick (the next day, the 1st nose-hair becomes hopelessly caught)

1966 [47] 1st (and last) ‘Paper Dress’ goes on the market, priced at $1 by Scott Paper Co

1945 [68] 1st NHLer to score 50 goals in a season (Maurice ‘Rocket’ Richard, Montréal Canadiens)

1981 [32] Buffalo Sabres set NHL record of 9 goals in 1 period (vs Toronto Maple Leafs)

[Tues] Chocolate Caramel Day
[Wed] Vernal Equinox (Spring arrives)
[Wed] Alien Abduction Day
[Wed] Atheist Pride Day
[Wed] Kiss Your Fiancée Day
[Wed] Proposal Day
[Wed] Snowman Burning Day

Act Happy Week / Animal Poison Prevention Week / Flood Awareness Week / Health Information Professionals Week / Inhalant & Poisons Awareness Week / Passiontide / Root Canal Awareness Week / Wildlife Week / World Folktales & Fables Week


Highlight bits culled from 19 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
• ‘Information Choreographer’ … librarian.
• ‘Media Distribution Operative’ … newspaper deliverer.
• ‘Gostopologist’ … in charge of the ‘Stop/Go’ sign at road construction site.
• ‘Suctional Engineer’ … carpet cleaner.
• ‘Destination Counselor’ … travel agent.
• ‘Hygiene Technician’ … cleaning staff.
• ‘Independent Management Consultant’ … unemployed.

According to …
1. She decorates your place.
2. She takes the ‘y’ out of ‘yours’, making it ‘ours’.
3. She gives out your home phone number.
4. She turns an overnighter into a week.
5. She colonizes your space with her stuff.
– First published in “BS” 2004.

A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money!

☎ What would you like to be famous for?

Who knew kangaroo scrotums were so versatile? Or so popular?

Question: More than 1-in-5 people have at least one of THESE.
Answer: Tattoo.

He who hesitates is last.

Doug Amacker @ Star 93 [WHJT] Clinton MS; Bernard Overly @, Quakertown PA; Lee McGrath @ Play 99.6, Amman, Jordan; Wendy Wilde @ Information Radio KTOE, Mankato MN; Shaun Lukhele @ MPower FM, Witbank, South Africa.

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