Friday, March 2, 2012        Edition: #4697

Sheet For Brains!

Insiders say that Lindsay Lohan fans (haters?) may notice a big difference in her appearance when she hosts “Saturday Night Live” (NBC) this weekend, her bloated face suggesting either sudden weight gain or perhaps some sort of messed up cosmetic procedure (maybe she’s on the Christina Aguilera diet?) . . . The co-creators of “Glee” have a movie musical in the works called “One Hit Wonders” that will star Andy Samberg, Beyoncé, Cameron Diaz, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Reese Witherspoon (“Glee’s” Ryan Murphy is attached to direct and co-write) . . . Comedian-actor Eddie Murphy tells “Access Hollywood” he’d still like to host the Academy Awards one day, even though he bailed out of emceeing this year’s ceremony (forget about it dude, it was a miracle you got one shot) . . . After former boy-band idol Nick Jonas’ recent appearance on “Smash” (NBC) he was spotted out on the town with one of the show’s stars, Megan Hilty (another guest shot?) . . . The ‘Snooki’ pregnancy rumors continue to pick up steam, “NY Post” reporting she’s 3 months along with a fetus fathered by boyfriend-sometime “Jersey Shore” co-star Jionni LaValle (hard to tell for sure as her entire body is one big baby bump) . . . Famous person Kim Kardashian has reportedly moved into a rented house down the block from her previous abode after being freaked out by a stalker (yeah, he’ll never figure that one out – “Crap, where did she go?!?!?”) . . . And after a tough day posing for Victoria’s Secret in South Miami Beach this week, 30-year-old Adriana Lima joined other models for a nosh at upscale eatery Asia de Cuba, but managed to stay faithful to her rigid diet by bringing along her own meal – a salad with spinach, bell peppers, and oil-free dressing (so you wanna be a supermodel?).


• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CTV2) – Today Jason Mraz (“Love Is a Four Letter Word”).
• “George Stroumboulopoulos Tonight” (CBC) – The Kills (“Blood Pressures”).
• “Good Morning America” (ABC) – This morning Coldplay performs a 3-song set in the show’s Times Square studio.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – Tonight Die Antwoord (“Ten$ion”). Rerun.
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – M83 (“Hurry Up, We’re Dreaming”). Rerun.
• “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” (CBS) – Tonight Brit rockers The Light Brigade (“Light Brigade”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Bruce Springsteen finishes off ‘Springsteen Week’ (“Wrecking Ball”, out March 6th).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Tonight The Fray (“Scars & Stories”). Rerun.
• “Q’Viva! The Chosen” (FOX) – Saturday Jennifer Lopez & estranged hubby Marc Anthony search the globe for the most talented Latin performers in the 2-hour series premiere. (It’s already airing on Spanish network Univision – is this a favor for the “American Idol” judge?)
• “Saturday Night Live” (NBC/Global) – Pseudo-actress Lindsay Lohan hosts; musical guest Jack White (“Blunderbuss”, to be released April 24th).
• “The Talk” (CBS) – Today ‘80s pop star Deborah Gibson.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Tonight Brit indie rock band Scars On 45.
• “Who Do You Think You Are?” (NBC) – Tonight country singer Reba McEntire heads to Raleigh, North Carolina as she explores her mother’s ancestry.


• Adele – With its 22nd week atop the sales chart, “21” is now the longest-running #1 album since Prince’s “Purple Rain” soundtrack scored 24 weeks on top in 1984-85.
• Cee Lo Green – Grand Central Books has signed him to write a memoir about his life to be published in 2013. It will be co-written by “Rolling Stone” contributing editor David Wild.
• Garth Brooks – Tonight a new flight of weekend shows begins at Wynn Las Vegas’ Encore Theater, running through June. Tickets are $225 … plus tax and service charges. He’s beginning the 3rd year of his 5-year Las Vegas residency.
• George Strait – Saturday he does a makeup show in Kansas City, Missouri as a replacement for the February 25th performance he cut short due to bronchitis. Even though opener Martina McBride had completed her act at the original gig, she’ll be back for the redo as well. (This backup plan was put together BEFORE the original show … now that’s professional!)
• Lana Del Ray – Some are accusing her of plagiarism, stealing elements of her hit “Video Games” from a song called “Dromoi Agapisa Pou” by the Greek artist Eleni Vitali. You decide …
• Rascal Flatts – Tonight they perform on the 2,018-passenger cruise ship ‘Norwegian Spirit’ while it’s  docked in Cozumel, Mexico. The onboard concert is part of a 7-night Norwegian Cruise Line sailing out of New Orleans, Louisiana that began February 26th.
• Whitney Houston – She’s become the 1st female artist to chart 3 albums in the top 10 of the ‘Billboard 200’ in the same week (“Whitney: The Greatest Hits”, “The Bodyguard” soundtrack, “Whitney Houston”). In total, she’s sold 320,000 albums this past week.
• Young Jeezy – Saturday he hits the road in Washington DC with his 25-city “Hustlerz Ambition Tour”, which runs through April 6th in Montréal. The trek is in support of his 4th studio album, “TM 103: Hustlerz Ambition”.

• “Dr Seuss’ The Lorax” ( PG Family Animation ): A 12-year-old boy searches for the one thing that will enable him to win the affection of the girl of his dreams. To find it he must discover the story of the grumpy yet charming creature called the ‘Lorax’. Voice cast includes Zac Efron, Taylor Swift, Danny DeVito, Ed Helms.
• “Project X” ( R- Rated Comedy ): Three high school seniors throw a birthday party to make a name for themselves. As the night progresses, things spiral out of control as word of the party spreads. Celebrity-free cast includes Thomas Mann, Oliver Cooper, Jonathan Daniel Brown, Dax Flame.


Despite global economic gloom, the world is a happier place than it was before the financial crisis began. That’s the counterintuitive conclusion of a new Ipsos poll of close to 20,000 adults in 24 countries. 77% of respondents now describe themselves as ‘happy’, up 3 points from 2007, the last year before the crisis. And fully 22% describe themselves as ‘very happy’, up by 2 points. But we’re warned to take all this positivity with a grain  of salt – the levels of happiness are self-reported, and the term means different things to different people. (As in, “We still have enough left over to buy a tin of cat food for dinner … oh how happy!”)
– “The Economist”

✓ ‘Backpfeifengesicht’ (German) – A face badly in need of a fist.
✓ ‘Espirit d’escalier’ (French) – When you think of the perfect verbal comeback much too late.
✓ ‘Kaelling’ (Danish) – An ugly, miserable woman who yells obscenities at her kids.
✓ ‘Pochemuchka’ (Russian) – A person who asks too many questions.
✓ ‘Shemomedjamo’ (Georgian) – To eat past the point of being full just because the food tastes good.
– Adapted from

✗ Pee-wee Herman – Dude, it used to be funny (kind of), now you’re freaking everyone out. Didn’t you ever see “What Ever Happened to Baby Jane”? Stick with new roles.
✗ Mozzarella Sticks – This lazy, dead appetizer was a hoot back in the early ‘80s with potato skins. On a menu today, it’s an immediate indicator to bail before your waiter hits the table.
✗ Designer Jeans for Dudes – The huge white seams, the cute back pockets with buttons. What you’re saying is, “I’ll blow money on anything and I’ve never done a hard day’s work in my life.”
✗ “The Office” – Haha, Dwight ‘Shrute’ is wacky; ‘Jim & Pam’ are annoying; ‘Stanley’ hates his job; ‘Kelly’ is Indian, with a twist … she’s an airhead. The show should’ve ended when Carell left.
✗ Flavored Vodka – ‘Marshmallow Fluff’? ‘Cotton Candy’? ‘Whipped Cream’? Who’s drinking this crap, 3rd graders? They have a word in Russia for people who buy this stuff … pussies.
– Condensed from

British dental nurse Kerry Trebilcock suffers from pica, a rare disorder that causes sufferers to crave non-food items. She began having bizarre cravings after contracting hookworm in Morocco in 2008 and has since eaten some 4,000 sponges and over 100 bars of soap (she prefers lemon- or lime-flavored). As a snack she often carries cut-up pieces of sponge laced with tomato and BBQ sauce in Tupperware. (Yummers!)


The average flea can jump up to 150 times its own length. To match that a human would have to jump 1,000 feet (305 m).


1962 [50] Jon Bon Jovi, Perth Amboy NJ, pop singer (w/Jennifer Nettles-“Who Says You Can’t Go Home”, Bon Jovi-“Always”)

1968 [44] Daniel Craig, Chester UK, movie actor (“The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo “, “Casino Royale”)  COMING UP: The ‘James Bond’ film “Skyfall”, opening November 9th.

1977 [35] Chris Martin, Exeter UK, pop singer (Coldplay-“Viva La Vida”, “Clocks”)/married to actress Gwyneth Paltrow since 2003

1982 [30] Ben Roethlisberger, Lima OH, NFL QB (2 wins in 3 Super Bowls with the Pittsburgh Steelers 2006, 2009, 2011)

1983 [29] Jay McClement, Kingston ON, NHL center (Colorado Avalanche)

Movie actress Miranda Richardson (“Harry Potter”) is 54; Country singer Brett Warren (Warren Bros) is 41; Movie actress Jessica Biel (“Valentine’s Day”) is 30; Rock guitarist Joe Garvey (Hinder) is 28.

Movie actress Catherine O’Hara (“Home Alone”) is 58; Rock drummer Jeremiah Green (Modest Mouse) is 35.

• “Dr Seuss Day”, celebrating the 1904 birth of Theodor Seuss Geisel in Springfield MA, the Pulitzer Prize-winning author of children’s books that include “The Cat In the Hat,” “How The Grinch Stole Christmas!” and many other classics. He died in 1991.
• “Dress in Blue Day”, an initiative to raise awareness about colon cancer, to celebrate survivors, and to help patients in need during “Colorectal Cancer Awareness Month”.
• “Employee Appreciation Day”, observed annually on the first Friday in March. Hey, you’re so appreciated … you get to keep your job!
• “Frozen Dead Guy Days” festival weekend in Nederland CO, an annual celebration of Grandpa Bredo Morstoel, who died in 1989, was frozen by his grandson, and stored in a shed. Among the events: ‘Kids Coffin Races’. (Huh!?!?)
• “Old Stuff Day”, either a celebration of antiques or perhaps … dating a cougar?

• “International Sister Cities Day”, initiated by Sister Cities International to promote the idea of a broad-based, officially-approved, long-term partnership between 2 communities, counties, or states in 2 countries.
• “I Want You to Be Happy Day”, a day to show love, care and concern for others … for once. (Tomorrow is ‘Get Real, Loser, I Was Only Kidding Day’.)
• “Nenana Ice Classic”, the 95th annual in Nenana, Alaska where they erect a 26-foot wooden tripod on the frozen Tanana River. Since 1917, when the first tripod was built by bored engineers, people have been betting on the day & date of the Spring breakup. Because of the high stakes (close to $300,000), the ice is closely watched by lottery participants.
• “Tim Hortons Brier”, the 83rd Canadian Men’s Curling Championship through March 11th in Saskatoon SK. Hurry hard!

• “Grammar Day”, a day to celebrate clean, correct sentences and shun ungrammatical writing. Sponsored by the Society For the Promotion of Good Grammar.
• “Iditarod Sled Dog Race”, the 40th running of ‘The Last Great Race on Earth’ that treks 1,150 miles through Alaskan wilderness from Anchorage to Nome. Sixty 16-dog teams compete.
• “International Scrapbooking Industry Day”, honoring the hobby that’s experienced a huge surge in popularity. More than just saving mementoes, modern scrapbooking involves sorting, cropping, pasting, and writing captions for chosen pictures.
• “March Forth and Do Something Day!”, a day of motivation celebrated each March 4th.


2009 [03] “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” premieres on NBC-TV as the new host takes over for Conan O’Brien (who moves to the “Tonight Show” … temporarily)


1983 [29] Sony and Philips, working together, introduce a new music format called the ‘Compact Disc’, a 5-inch wonder which can play for 1 entire hour (explain this to your grandchildren)


2002 [10] US invasion of Afghanistan, “Operation Anaconda”, begins (are we done yet?)

1962 [50] Philadelphia Warriors center Wilt Chamberlain scores a pro basketball record 100 points vs the NY Knicks (breaking his own record of 78 set earlier the same season)

[Mon] Fun Facts About Names Day
[Mon] Go Commando Day
[Tues] “Breaking In” season premiere (FOX)
[Tues] Snowshoe Day
[Wed] World Maths Day
[Wed] Cereal Day
This Week Is … Write a Letter of Appreciation Week
This Month Is … Adopt a Rescued Guinea Pig Month


Hollywood’s latest Dr Seuss adaptation, “The Lorax”, is being accused of twisting the tale to promote an environmental agenda. So here’s a look at …
• “Oh the Re-Education Centers You’ll Go” – How a palette of pastels and twirling spirals can turn even the sweetest citizens into assassins.
• “The Low Fat Substitute Dairy Spread Battle Book” – Butter being such a confrontational topic these days, the whole thing will be PC-ed so people of all diets can enjoy the Battle.
• “Green Eggs and Ham is People” – In the future world Government Sam I Am is force-feeding the world people! It’s people we tell you, people!
• “Yertle The Turtle’s Habitat Was Destroyed By Global Warming” – How Yertle’s vanity destroyed our world.
• “One Fish, Two Fish, Undead Blue Fish” – Zombie fish … a statement on capitalism obviously, with a clear nod to George A Romero’s blue-hued members of the undead.
(We can only hope Zac Efron is attached to each of these as well.)

☎ We’ve all got something about our bodies we’d like to change if we could. What’s yours?

What does the title of Bon Jovi’s album “7800° Fahrenheit” refer to?
a. The temperature required in a forge to make 24-carat gold.
b. The temperature of an exploding volcano. [CORRECT]
c. The temperature Jon Bon Jovi’s wife reaches when he forgets Valentines Day.

A “War Horse” walks into a bar. The bartender says: “Why the long film?”


Question: When having dinner at home, 65% of us always do THIS.
Answer: Sit in the same place.


Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.

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