Thursday, March 22, 2012        Edition: #4711

Have Another Sheetload!

It hasn’t even opened yet and “Entertainment Weekly” is reporting that “The Hunger Games” has officially already outsold any other non-sequel movie in history in advanced ticket sales (we’re sick of it already and the hype is just beginning) . . . Oscar-winning actress Kathy Bates has revealed that she’s secretly battled cancer, an affliction she kept under wraps in order to get insurance approval to keep working (is ripping off an insurance company fraud – or just fun?) . . . Disney’s just-opened big-budget sci-fi movie “John Carter” looks to be among Hollywood’s biggest-ever flops, as predictions suggest it will lose an estimated $150 million (now we’re getting into “Cutthroat Island” territory!) . . . Actor Robert De Niro has now apologized for an ‘inappropriate’ joke he made about the wives of Republican presidential candidates at a fundraiser for Barack Obama (“Do you really think our country is ready for a white First Lady?”) . . . Mark & Donnie Wahlberg’s burger chain ‘Wahlburgers’ is expanding from its Boston base to Britain and Ireland (good thing their last name wasn’t ‘Wahliver’) . . . “Parks & Recreation” star Aziz Ansari is offering ‘comedy on demand’, charging $5 per download at his website for material from his recent “Dangerously Delicious” standup tour (you can likely watch it free on YouTube) . . . ‘The Muppets’ have received the 2,466th star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame in Hollywood (joining a host of other fictional characters who’ve received the honor, including ‘Bugs Bunny’, ‘Mickey Mouse’, ‘Shrek’, and ‘Snow White’) . . . 25-year-old “Glee” star Dianna Agron (‘Quinn Fabray’) is reportedly being pursued by 24-year-old NFL quarterback Tim Tebow despite her on-and-off relationship with actor Sebastian Stan, which is reportedly ‘off’ again because they work on opposite coasts (Tebow is likely to be working in the East as well – if at all) . . . 51-year-old actor Hugh Grant tells “The Scotsman” he’s now ‘too old’ to star in any more romantic comedies (an awful lot of women would disagree) . . . And 37-year-old actor Leonardo Dicaprio has reportedly upset his latest girlfriend, Erin Heatherton, with his poor personal hygiene, refusing to wear deodorant and rarely showering due to environmental concerns (no wonder his last movie stank!).

• “American Idol” (FOX/CTV) – The contestants face elimination; performances by Lana Del Rey (“Born to Die”) and Season 10 contestant Haley Reinhart (“Listen Up!”, out May 22nd).
• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – Nicole Scherzinger (“Killer Love”).
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CTV2) – K’Naan f/Nelly Furtado (“More Beautiful Than Silence”).
• “George Stroumboulopoulos Tonight” (CBC) – Saul Williams (“Volcanic Sunlight”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – Neon Trees (“Picture Show”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Cults (“Cults”); SchoolBoy Q (“Habits & Contradictions”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Fergie (Black Eyed Peas); Sleeper Agent (“Celabrasion”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Heartless Bastards (“The Mountain”). Rerun.
• “Live With Kelly” (syndicated/CTV) – Vanessa Hudgens (“Identified”).
• “Marilyn Denis Show” (CTV/CTV2) – Train (“California 37”, out April 17th).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – The Secret Sisters (“Secret Sisters”).


• Eminem – A mash-up video featuring Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney and the hit track “The Real Slim Shady” has gone viral with over 700,000 views on YouTube within 24 hours. Titled “Will The Real Mitt Romney Please Stand Up”, the clip features some of the candidate’s more memorable quips.
• George Strait – His current single “Love’s Gonna Make It Alright” is now atop the Mediabase Country Radio Chart, making it the 59th #1 hit in the 59-year-old singer’s career.
• Lady Antebellum – Indiana’s Henryville High School has been chosen as winner of a contest offering a private show at Spring prom. The school and its community were hard-hit by devastating tornados earlier this month. Due to a scheduling conflict, the Lady A concert will be delayed until May 16th, when it will be followed by a benefit for the entire community.
• Maroon 5 – Frontman Adam Levine is set to make his TV acting debut in the 2nd season of “American Horror Story” (FX). He’ll play one half of a couple called ‘The Lovers’, according to “Entertainment Weekly”.
• One Direction – This week they’ll become the first UK pop group to debut at #1 on the “Billboard 200” album chart with “Up All Night”, according to the “Telegraph”.
• TI – He’s joining the 2nd season of “Boss” (Starz), which stars Kelsey Grammer as Chicago’s mayor, playing a former gangbanger who’s eyeing a career in Chicago’s City Hall. Also joining the cast is Jonathan Groff, best known as ‘Jesse St James’ on “Glee”.


A BS selection of movies in the making …
• “Alfred Hitchock & The Making of Psycho” – This movie about the making of a movie (akin to “My Week With Marilyn”) stars Anthony Hopkins as the 1960 film’s iconic director Alfred Hitchcock; James D’Arcy as actor Anthony Perkins; Scarlett Johansson as Janet Leigh; and Jessica Biel appears as Vera Miles. The film’s due in 2013.
• “An Enemy” – Jake Gyllenhaal is in talks to star in this thriller as a dysfunctional history teacher who tracks down an exact double of himself after spotting the mystery man while watching a rented DVD. The 31-year-old would play both roles in what’s being described by insiders as a ‘dark and edgy picture’. The story is based on José Saramago’s 2001 novel “The Double”.
• “Skyfall” – Javier Bardem says playing the villain in the new ‘James Bond’ movie is a dream come true. The Spanish actor tells “The Independent” he took the role in the 23rd ‘007’ film due to the script, the cast, the role, and the director, Sam Mendes. “Skyfall” is set to open on November 9th.
• “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” – After blowing up “Transformers” in several films, director Michael Bay is now set to ‘revamp’ the Ninja Turtles into a new movie franchise. His plan is to reinvent the turtle superheroes as aliens. The Turtles first hit the bigscreen in the early 1990s, then returned in 2007 in “TMNT”.
• Untitled Seth Rogen Comedy – In this upcoming crime comedy, Rogen will play one-half of an interracial cop duo, alongside Kevin Hart (“Fool’s Gold”). In fact, it’s the first interracial police pairing in the history of law enforcement, and takes place in the post-World War II jazz era. It’ll be Rogen’s 3rd cop role in movies.


There are some things money can’t buy – but these days, not many. Almost everything is up for sale. For example: A prison-cell upgrade for $90-a-night. In Santa Ana, California and some other cities, non-violent offenders can pay for a clean, quiet jail cell, without any non-paying prisoners to disturb them. Access to the car-pool lane while driving solo: $8. Minneapolis MN, San Diego CA, Houston TX, Seattle WA and other cities have sought to ease traffic congestion by letting solo drivers pay to drive in HOV lanes, at rates that vary according to traffic. (“The freeway’s a parking lot … that’ll be 50 bucks.”)
– “The Atlantic”


A few ailments that could actually turn into a good thing …
✓Ageusia – This rare condition leaves the victim without the sense of taste. It’s extremely uncommon (you’re more likely to lose the sense of smell) but think of the possibilities. (Save money and lose weight by only eating celery and hair!)
✓Congenital Analgesia – This rare disease, recently made somewhat familiar thanks to the Stieg Larsson novels, stops the sensation of pain, making you an instant superhero. (You can stop a ceiling fan with your eyes! It’ll blind you … but it won’t hurt.)
✓Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome – Sufferers have stretchy skin and extremely loose joints. At best this might allow you the ability to clap your shoulders or give unusual, unorthodox hugs. (On the downside, you have to put up with people referring to you as ‘Mr Fantastic’.)
✓Kluver-Bucy Syndrome – Sufferers not only have a difficult time identifying faces, but they’re also horny as hell and exhibit signs of hyperorality, which means they identify things with their mouth. (If you get caught licking someone, you can justify it by saying “Just making sure you aren’t a rabid dog.”)
✓Palinopsia – When someone suffering from this looks away from an object, the after-image often stays with them. Look at a walrus, and you’ll be seeing that walrus for the next few moments everywhere you look. (The big perk: The ability to stare at a girl on your own time for as long as you want, without her getting all creeped out.)
– Condensed from “Maxim”


A sampling of actual questions asked in recent editions of “Fitness” magazine. Are they nosy or what?
• ‘How do you feel about your body?’
• ‘What are you doing to stave off the signs of aging?’
• ‘What’s worse than a monster zit?’
• ‘What do you think when you look at yourself naked?’
• ‘Trying to lose weight?’
• ‘Does your partner care about the cellulite on your left thigh or the flabby inch you can pinch on your right arm?’
• ‘Feel a headache coming on?’
• ‘Do you have a reason to be so self-conscious about your body?’
(After all that introspection … yes!!!!)
– Thanks to Maria Adelmann

A recent survey ranks occupations by job satisfaction. Here are the top five jobs, based on the percentage of those in the field who say they’re ‘extremely happy’ with their work …
1. Social Care Workers (40%)
2. Hairdressers (32%)
3. Plumbers (32%)
4. Chefs (30%)
5. Florists (20%).
Least happy (at just 4% satisfaction) are real estate agents, accountants, pharmacists and – ahem – media workers.


More than 30 million Chinese people currently live in caves.
– “Los Angeles Times”


1931 [81] William Shatner, Montréal QC, TV actor (“$#*! My Dad Says” 2010-11, “Boston Legal” 2004-08, “Star Trek” 1966-1969)/movie actor (“Miss Congeniality”, “Dodgeball”)

1948 [64] (Sir) Andrew Lloyd Webber, London UK, composer/producer (Tony Awards for “Phantom Of the Opera” and “Cats”, Tony & Academy Awards for “Evita”)

1948 [64] Wolf Blitzer, Augsberg, Germany, CNN news anchor since 1990 (“The Situation Room”)

1952 [60] Bob Costas, Queens NY, NBC-TV sports anchor since 1980 (“Football Night in America”, Olympic Games)/multiple Emmy Award winner  PHONE STARTER: Should he dump the toupée and his (much-overused) plastic surgeon?

1976 [36] Reese Witherspoon, New Orleans LA, movie actress (“Water for Elephants”, Oscar-“Walk the Line”)/ex-wife of actor Ryan Phillippe (1999-2006)  BS FACTOID: “Us Weekly” is reporting she’s expecting her 3rd child, the first via agent-husband Jim Toth.

1990 [22] Lincoln Parish, Bowling Green KY, rock guitarist (Cage The Elephant-“Shake Me Down”, “In One Ear”)


• “As Young As You Feel Day”, a day to quit wallowing in worry about your chronological age and start feeling peppy!

• “International Goof-Off Day”, a day to relax, be yourself, and generally just goof off. In other words … a regular day.

• “Letting Go of Stuff Day”, a self-help day on the 4th Thursday in March designed to ‘free up subconscious space’. A few tips on how to do that …

• “Sing-Out Day”, a day to let fly with a special tune to let someone know how you feel.

• “World Water Day”, a UN observance since 1992 emphasizing the worldwide necessity of potable drinking water and proper wastewater treatment. The 2012 theme is ‘Water & Food Security’.

1976 [36] Filmmaker George Lucas begins filming the first of 9 planned movies in his “Star Wars” epic (mercifully he stops after 6)


2006 [06] Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler’s upcoming throat surgery forces the band to cancel a North American tour, sparking rumors he’s battling throat cancer (he’s not)


1894 [118] 1st Stanley Cup Championship Game as Montréal AAA defeats Ottawa HC 3-1 (previous year there were no challengers so Montréal won by default)

1980 [32] People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) is founded in Norfolk, Virginia by animal rights activists Ingrid Newkirk & Alex Pacheco

1997 [15] America’s Tara Lipinski becomes ‘Youngest Women’s World Figure Skating Champion’ at age 14 years, 10 months


[Fri] Day of Unplugging
[Fri] Puppy Day
[Fri] Near-Miss Day
[Fri] World Meteorological Day
[Sat] “GLAAD Awards” (NYC)
[Sat] World Tuberculosis Day
[Sun] “Mad Men” season debut (AMC)
This Week Is … Bubble Blowers Week
This Month Is … Caffeine Awareness Month


• Your office chair is made of porcelain and has a big hole in the seat.
• People only come into your office to borrow pencils … from your ceiling.
• In your 1-page performance report, the word ‘sucks’ appears 12 times.
• That dental plan you were promised consists of string, pliers, and 2 Aspirin.
• The only activity on your calendar is ‘discuss “Dancing With the Stars” at the watercooler’.
• Your boss keeps asking you when she can ‘show’ your cubicle.
• You’re so bored you’ve already read the entire “Dilbert” page-a-day calendar … for 2013.
• You keep overhearing the CEO mumbling ‘eeny-meeny-miney-moe’.
• Your office nickname … ‘Deadwood’.


My parents were so poor they got married for the rice.


☎ Pop culture character names often become popular in the real world. With the year’s most anticipated film, “The Hunger Games”, about to open, which of its main characters (‘Katniss’, ‘Primrose’, ‘Seneca’, ‘Gale’ [a male], ‘Effie’) do you think will become popular baby names?


Question: Over 25,000 women will do THIS this year.
Answer: Call off their wedding.

The person who knows everything hasn’t even started learning.

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