Monday, March 25, 2013        Edition: #4948

If the Sheet Fits, Buy It!

✳ As usual, green slime spewed furiously at the annual “Kids’ Choice Awards” on Saturday night in LA, as favorite celebs were spontaneously spewed with the goop in a now familiar practical joke. Hosted by “Transformers” actor Josh Duhamel, the show featured performances by Christina Aguilera, Ke$ha, and Pitbull. “Twilight Saga” star Kristen Stewart and Brit boy band One Direction led award winners with 2 apiece. (The infamous ‘slime’ was originally a mixture of lime green gelatin powder and flour; eventually, oatmeal was added to the recipe. Icky!)
✳ Jason Aldean, Blake Shelton, and Lady Antebellum are among the early winners named Friday for the 48th “Academy of Country Music Awards”. Aldean receives the ‘Crystal Milestone Award’, while Shelton gets the ‘Gene Weed Special Achievement Award’. Lady Antebellum wins the ‘Jim Reeves International Award’. The televised portion of the awards will be held April 7th in Las Vegas. (The non-televised early awards are really just promos.)
✳ The 28-year-old woman who accused Lindsay Lohan of punching her during an alleged brawl at Manhattan’s Club Avenue venue last November is disappointed that the ensuing 3rd-degree misdemeanor assault charge against Lohan has now been dismissed, but Tiffany Mitchell is vowing to continue to pursue her complaint through the civil courts. One indication she’s serious: Her attorney is much-feared high-profile lawyer Gloria Allred (aka ‘The Pitbull’).
– Adapted from
✳ Sorta actress Pamela Anderson is moving out of Malibu, California, after putting her 3-bedroom home on the market for $7.7 million. She’s owned the property since 2000 and has spent a small fortune turning it into an eco-home, adding sustainable teak decor and solar panels. Anderson previously put the place up for rent in 2011 at $75,000-a-month; and she listed it as available for lease last year. (Hmm. Somebody having cash-flow problems?)
✳ Frank Sinatra hated Barbra Streisand; John F Kennedy was ‘wild and horny’; and legendary comedian Bob Hope had women ‘stashed all over the place’. Just some of the revelations that oldies singer-turned-Vegas entertainer Paul Anka unveils in his new memoir, “My Way”, according to a newly-published extract. Of all the women Sinatra knew, he thought actress Angie Dickinson was best in bed, says Anka, and he adds that Dean Martin agreed. “My Way: An Autobiography” is out April 9th. (He waited until all the key players died to write it … wuss.)

• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – Langhorne Slim (“The Way We Move”).
• “Dancing With the Stars” (ABC) – The 2nd week of performances.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Dustin Lynch performs “She Cranks My Tractor” (“Dustin Lynch”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Royal Teeth (“Act Naturally”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Wale (“The Gifted”, out June 25th).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Ed Sheeran (“+”).
• “Live With Kelly & Michael” (syndicated/CTV) – Usher (“The Voice”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Crystal Bowersox (“All That for This”).
• “The Voice” (NBC/CTV2) – 4th season debut as vocalists perform for the panel of judges, which now includes Shakira and Usher subbing for Cee Lo and Christina Aguilera.

• Arcade Fire – They’re toiling away at a NYC recording studio on the long-awaited follow-up to their 2010 album “The Suburbs”. No title or official release date has yet been announced but drummer Jeremy Gara says they hope to have the project out by the end of 2013.
• Avril Lavigne – She’s released a 13-second YouTube teaser of her new single, “Here’s to Never Growing Up”, due out April 9th. The track will be the first release from her upcoming album, as well as her first while working with her fiancé, Nickelback’s Chad Kroeger.
• Britney Spears – After ending her engagement to her former manager Jason Trawick in January, she’s now stepping out with lawyer David Lucado. The new couple went public on Friday, holding hands during a trip to a mall in Thousand Oaks, California.
• D’Angelo – A documentary about his comeback performance at last year’s “Bonnaroo Festival” has been posted on YouTube. The movie is posted in 4 episodes, including never-seen-before backstage material.
• fun. – Guitarist Jack Antonoff tells “Billboard” he’s written an album’s worth of new material, but it’s all for a live touring version of the PBS-TV kids show “Super WHY!”. Quote: “I grew up on Raffi. That was my first impression of what a rock star was.”
• Lady Gaga – Her manager says she’s ready to get back to work, a month after undergoing hip surgery. The February 20th operation was needed to correct a labral tear of the right hip and a painful condition called synovitis, a severe inflammation of the joints.
• My Chemical Romance – They’ve announced their breakup in a blog post late Friday night. The NJ punk band, led by brothers Gerard & Mikey Way, thanked fans for all their support and for being part of their 12-year adventure.
• Paul McCartney – Mark Ronson has produced 3 new songs for him as he works on a new album and preps for a world tour. McCartney announced on his website last week that he’ll launch his “Out There!” tour June 22nd in Warsaw, Poland.
• Rihanna – A 1-hour TV special called “Rihanna 777” will air on FOX-TV on May 6th detailing her promotional tour for “Unapologetic”, which made 7 stops around-the-world in 7 days. (It was apparently total misery for the 250 journalists she dragged along.)

There’s a free app that will shame you into getting up in the morning on time. ‘BetterMe’ is an incredibly simple iPhone app, and it’s based entirely on public humiliation. Can’t get up in the morning? Every time you hit snooze, the app posts a message to your Facebook timeline telling your friends you were too lazy to get out of bed. BetterMe’s entire purpose is to shame you into getting up, and it’s said to work well. (Even simpler, place your alarm clock in another room.)

A new study shows a majority of those dinky laser pointers on the market exceed the power level limits set by regulations, which means a whole lot of twerps out there wield far more retina-burning power than they should. NIST research shows that only 26% of the laser pointers tested meet industry standards. A whopping 90% of green-light lasers tested have been found to exceed guidelines, compared to 44% of red-colored pointers. (That means you’d do well to avoid drawing the ire of your weird little cousin, especially if his cat-torturing device is green.)

Here’s another reason to drink in moderation: Studies show that for every beer or mixed drink you chug, your body converts approximately half an ounce of that booze directly to fat. (The rest is converted into self-embarrassment.)
– “Men’s Fitness”

Are we also in agreement the worst part of McDonald’s biscuit sandwiches is that strangely folded egg patty? It’s pre-cooked, reheated, rubbery, oddly flavored, not completely unpleasant, but definitely not egg-like. Well here’s a tip: You can get your McDonald’s breakfast sandwiches made with a 100% real egg, cracked and cooked fresh on-site. All you need to do is ask the cashier that your sandwich is made with a ‘round egg’ and the folded egg patty will be replaced with the real deal, no charge. (Now we have to specifically ask for real food?)

Trying to clean up the junk in your house? According to professional organizers, if it’s broken, outdated, lost its mate, ugly, useless, dead, or moldy, then it’s ‘junk’ … and you should toss or recycle it. (Another clue: It’s stored in the garage … the attic of the garage.)
– “Clutter’s Last Stand”

The world’s first ‘Edible Hotel’ has opened in London, England and it’s taken the concept quite literally. The new pop-up hotel features rooms made entirely from edible goods, including over 100 pieces of ‘edible art’, such as windowsills made of fudge, a cake carpet, a bathtub full of caramel popcorn, and tasty sweet flower arrangements. Created by Tate & Lyle Sugars, each room has a different theme: “Pirates Of the Caribbean” room has a treasure chest full of candy; a Mayan-themed room a temple made of fudge; and the Guyana room has a giant turtle cake. (Or did. Most of the stuff has already been gobbled up.)
– “Daily Mail”

• This week’s Swedish lesson. The phrase for ‘final sale’ is ‘slut spurt’.
• South Korean media often refer to national politicians using only their initials.
– Yonhap News Agency
• Locust is the only insect considered kosher.


1942 [71] Aretha Franklin, Memphis TN, ‘Queen of Soul’ with 20 Grammy Awards (“Respect”, “Chain of Fools”)/first woman in Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame (1987)

1947 [66] Elton John (Sir Reginald Dwight), Pinner UK, pop singer (“Candle In the Wind”, “Your Song”) who’s sold over 250 million albums & 100 million singles/Songwriters Hall of Fame (1992)/Hollywood Walk of Fame (1975)

1962 [51] Marcia Cross, Marlborough MA, TV actress (“Desperate Housewives” 2004-12)

1965 [48] Sarah Jessica Parker, Nelsonville OH, movie actress (“Sex & The City: The Movie”)/TV actress (“Sex & The City” 1998-2004)/wed to actor Matthew Broderick (1997)

1982 [31] Danica Patrick, Beloit WI, auto racing driver (“Indianapolis 500” & IndyCar Series ‘Rookie Of the Year’ 2005)/1st woman to win an Indy car race (2008 Indy Japan 300)

1984 [29] Katharine McPhee, LA CA, TV actress (“Smash” since 2012)/pop singer (“American Idol”)

• “Greek Independence Day”, the anniversary of the country’s proclamation of independence in 1821. Opa!

• “International Day of Remembrance Of the Victims of Slavery & The Transatlantic Slave Trade”. Okay it’s a worthwhile effort and all … but wearing the button will give you a hernia!

• “International Waffle Day”, a holiday that originated in Sweden to coincide with the Christian “Feast Of the Annunciation”. It was also considered the start of Spring so it became a custom for Swedish families to celebrate both events by making waffles on this day.

• “Passover” begins at sunset, the 8-day Jewish celebration of the flight of the Israelites from Egyptian slavery in the 1200s BCE. A ceremonial Seder takes place on the first 2 nights, when symbolic foods such as unleavened bread are placed on the table.

• “Pecan Day”, an annual salute to the only nut tree native to North America. The word comes from Algonquian language, meaning a nut requiring a stone to crack. The proper pronunciation is ‘peh-CAHN’ not ‘PEE-can’.

• “Tolkien Reading Day”, an annual event launched by the Tolkien Society in 2003 with the aim of encouraging the reading of the works of JRR Tolkien. The March 25th date was chosen in honor of the fall of ‘Sauron’ in “Lord Of the Rings”.

2002 [11] “The Bachelor” premieres on ABC-TV (paving the way for “The Bachelorette”, “Joe Millionaire”, “Average Joe”, “My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé”, etc)

2006 [07] Veteran country singer/TV personality Buck Owens dies at age 76

1934 [79] 1st ‘Masters’ golf tournament wraps up in Augusta GA

[Tues] Legal Assistants Day
[Wed] Full ‘Worm’ Moon
[Wed] Holi (Hindu)
[Wed] Quirky Country Music Song Titles Day
[Wed] Viagra Day
[Thurs] 9th International Mobile Gaming Awards (San Francisco)
[Thurs] Weed Appreciation Day

Cleaning Week / Pediatric Nurse Practitioner Week / Protocol Officers Week / RV Lifestyle Week / Termite Awareness Week / Tsunami Awareness Week / Week of Solidarity With People Struggling Against Racism & Discrimination


Highlight bits culled from 19 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
• On the way to the boss’s office, your co-workers start stripping your cubicle of office supplies.
• There’s barbed wire between you and the boss.
• The first thing they do is give you a Breathalyzer.
• Then they ask for a blood sample.
• Company asks you to consider taking a 100% pay cut.
• Your desk and stapler are sold for scrap.
• Boss begins by saying “Nice work, Robinson” … but your name ain’t Robinson.
– First published in “BS” 2005.

Sure you’ve heard of cows, but have you heard …
• 12 or more cows are known as a ‘flink’.
• A group of unicorns is called a ‘blessing’.
• A group of kangaroos is called a ‘mob’.
• A group of frogs is called an ‘army’.
• A group of rhinos is called a ‘crash’.
– First published in “BS” 1998.

☎ Should Jay Leno resign now in order to maintain some professional dignity? Bill Carter of the “New York Times” is the uncontested authority on late night TV, so you can trust his report last week that NBC wants to replace Leno with Jimmy Fallon by Fall 2014. But if Leno’s going down, he’s going down fighting, using his monologues to mock NBC’s recent poor primetime ratings and joke that its executives are ‘snakes’. It ain’t pretty.

Ever notice the life span of a houseplant varies inversely with its price, and directly with its ugliness?

• To get fit while you get high, get on board the ‘Pedal Pub’ …
• Who will be the ‘Cow Of the Year’? Can you stand the excitement?

Question: People who use THESE use them every 3.8 days on average.
Answer: ATMs.

Never be indispensable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

“The Bull Sheet” salutes new subscribers Lee McGrath @ Play 99.6 Amman, Jordan; and Jay Burnell @ Fresh 92.7 [5FBI] Adelaide SA Australia; and we welcome samplers this week who include Jamie Rosenthal @ Classic Rock CFNR Terrace BC Canada; Emem @ Izzorai FM Lagos, Nigeria; Marie @ Yes FM Colombo, Sri Lanka; and Nilam Abdallah @ Capital FM 89 Juba, South Sudan.

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