Monday, March 28, 2011        Edition: #4471
100% Grade A Bull!

• As expected, actress Reese Witherspoon wed manager-fiancé Jim Toth Saturday night at her estate in Ojai CA. Onlookers say candles seemed to be everywhere, even bordering the driveway. The intimate gathering of about 100 guests included actors Matthew McConaughey, Renée Zellweger, Robert Downey Jr, and Tobey Maguire. Word has it Witherspoon called her neighbors ahead of time to apologize for the noise & traffic the big do would cause. (Now THAT’S class!)
• For actor Steven Seagal’s reality TV show “Lawman” (A&E), Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio allowed him to accompany a raid on the home of a Phoenix man suspected of hosting cockfighting. The SWAT team rolled in, led by Seagal …. in an army tank. The perp was easily arrested as he was alone and unarmed. His attorney claims the over-the-top bust cost the sheriff’s department tens-of-thousands. Seagal has an ongoing agreement to accompany sheriff’s deputies on further raids. (This guy may personally raise Arizona taxes by 20%.)
• 22-year-old actress Vanessa Hudgens is reportedly enjoying being single since splitting from  former “High School Musical” co-star Zac Efron in December after 5 years of dating. The official line is work commitments got in the way of their relationship. A friend claims Vanessa’s been ‘having a blast’ hanging out with friends and ‘isn’t really missing him’. (BS translation: I’m. So. Lonely.)
• Natalie Portman’s “Black Swan” body double claims the Oscar-winning actress performed ‘less than 5%’ of the ballet moves in the movie. Professional ballerina Sarah Lane says producers wanted to create the idea Natalie was some kind of prodigy who worked extremely hard to make herself a ballerina in only a year-and-a-half. The truth, she claims, is that CGI was used to superimpose Natalie’s head on footage of herself performing the intricate dance sequences. That, according to Lane, has been covered up by the movie studio. (Seems Portman should only be allowed to keep the head off her statuette.)
• Last year 48-year-old rocker/TV personality Bret Michaels nearly died of a brain hemorrhage, and now he’s claiming it was due to an injury he suffered 6 months previously during his 2009 performance at the Tony Awards. Friday he filed a lawsuit against Tony Award Productions, CBS-TV, and others for unspecified damages. In the complaint he contends producers did not instruct him ‘how to properly exit the stage’, resulting in him being ‘smacked in the head’ by a piece of the set. (You need Mapquest and written instructions to get off a stage? Man up, dude.)
• And 38-year-old actress Gwyneth Paltrow has shared the angst of learning to play the guitar for her role as alcoholic musician ‘Kelly Canter’ in the movie “Country Strong”. Quote: ‘I had bleeding fingers and cramps and I had shoulder problems, and I thought I had something seriously wrong with me but I had just pulled a muscle in my armpit. It was a disaster!’ (Don’t you just love it when she talks?)

• “All Together Now: A Celebration of Service.”(NBC) – This pre-taped tribute to 86-year-old former US president George H Bush at Kennedy Center in Washington DC honors his legacy of promoting volunteer work. Performers include Brad Paisley, Carrie Underwood, Cee Lo Green, Garth Brooks, Kid Rock, Reba McEntire, and Sheryl Crow. The event also features former presidents Bill Clinton, George W Bush, and Jimmy Carter.
• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – Little Big Town (“The Reason Why”).
• “Dancing With the Stars” (ABC/CTV) – The 2nd week of performances. Tuesday, it’s the first results show of the new season.
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/A Channel) – Keith Urban performs “Without You” from his Gold-certified album “Get Closer”.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – The Sounds (“Something to Die For”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Two Door Cinema Club (“Tourist History”).
• “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” (CBS) – Far East Movement (“Free Wired”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – 1960s rock band Vanilla Fudge.
• “Lopez Tonight” (TBS) – Seether (“Holding On to Strings Better Left to Fray”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Los Lonely Boys (“Rockpango”).

• Aretha Franklin – The ‘Queen of Soul’ spent the weekend in NYC celebrating her 69th birthday and her improved health. The 18-time Grammy Award-winner had to cancel her most recent tour in December when she underwent unspecified surgery.
• Britney Spears – She made a return to the stage Friday night in Las Vegas, debuting a new song called “Big Fat Bass”. Overall, she performed 3 songs during the mini-concert at Rain nightclub in the Palms Casino & Resort.
• Gwen Stefani – She’s already personally donated $1 million to a Japan relief fund and now she’s auctioning off the chance to join her at a special fundraiser in LA. Details will be announced this week. She’s currently in the studio with No Doubt recording their new album.
• Madonna – After spending $3.8 million planning her Raising Malawi Academy for Girls in Malawi, the project has been scrapped. Her charity Raising Malawi will now use the $18 million it has raised to ‘foster change in the poverty-stricken country’.
• Michael Jackson – His estate has settled a claim filed by his former Las Vegas landlord who alleged MJ damaged the interior & exterior of the home, and screwed up the phone and alarm system … to the tune of $234,000. The case has been settled for an undisclosed amount.
• Nate Dogg – He was buried in true hip-hop style in Long Beach CA Saturday as rappers The Game, Warren G, and his cousin Snoop Dogg turned out to pay their respects. The 41-year-old died earlier this month after a long battle with ill health.

Looking straight at people and smiling increases your attractiveness, according to a recently published study. Participants who looked at paired photos of the opposite sex rated a smiling face with a direct gaze fully 8 times more attractive than an unsmiling face. The study also suggests a shy smile while staring at the floor won’t get you as far as a smile paired with eye contact. (So forget playing coy … let your look linger!)
– “Women’s Health”

New research indicates a skeleton can show if the flesh & blood person that covered it was overweight. North Carolina State University anthropologists say the key is the thigh bone or femur. Their study shows that overweight people tend to have wider femurs. Related research reveals that overweight people move differently in order to compensate for the extra heft they are carrying around. For example, they might take wider steps. These changes may cause the femur to alter its shape. (This will no doubt be covered in depth on an upcoming “CSI” episode.)

Did you line up to get an iPad 2? If so, you paid full price and may someday regret it. Witness these examples of tech gear that got bought too early because the price dropped, it became obsolete, or early models couldn’t be upgraded …
• Amazon Kindle (2009) – If you bought a Kindle 2 in February 2009, it cost $359. In less than a year-and-a-half, the Kindle became thinner, lighter … and $220 cheaper.
• Apple iPhone (2007) – 2 months after the release of the game-changing smartphone, the price dropped by $200. Early buyers were livid. Apple eventually offered a store credit.
• BlackBerry 5810 (2002) – RIM’s first phone for the North American market required a wired earpiece. Later the same year, 3 new models launched … no earpiece required.
• Blu-ray Player 1.0 (2007) – It couldn’t play picture-in-picture or connect to the Internet for interactive functions, and couldn’t be upgraded when those features became common.
• HD DVD (2008) – Its format war with Blu-ray barely lasted 2 years. When Blu-ray triumphed, HD DVD buyers were left with worthless hardware and an obsolete movie library.
• Microsoft Xbox 360 (2007) – Early versions overheated and lacked HDMI output. To make amends the company extended users’ warranties to 3 years.
• Windows Me (2000) – A buggy, unreliable mess that was labeled by some ‘one of the worst tech products of all time’. It was soon replaced by Windows XP.

• Our right to vote became established in the 19th century, when votes were cast orally. That enabled the buying and selling of support and candidates often plied voters with alcohol. All of this led to fights and riots that caused 20 deaths before 1867. (More fun than the dull 2011 campaign!)
– Elections Canada
• ‘Random homicide’ is extremely rare. The default assumption is that a homicide involves 2 young men who know one another, both of whom have extensive criminal records. Even the death of an innocent bystander in a gang shootout, for example, is usually less random than it might appear. The victim may not be connected to the killer, but is usually from the same neighborhood. (Forget your enemies, beware your friends!)
• The writer of the “New York Times” obituary about movie star Elizabeth Taylor died 6 years before her. (Obits of the famous are written well in advance, particularly as they get older.)
• Think Sunni and Shiite Muslims disagreeing with one another is odd? There are 38,000 different Christian denominations worldwide. (All of them convinced their brand is the right one.)
– “World Christian Encyclopedia”


1955 [56] Reba McEntire, McAlester OK, country singer (“Turn On the Radio”, “Consider Me Gone”)/sold over 56 million records worldwide/TV actress (“Reba” 2001-07)/Broadway actress (“South Pacific” 2005, “Annie Get Your Gun” 2001)/movie actress (“Tremors” 1990)

1969 [42] Rodney Atkins, Knoxville TN, country singer (“It’s America”, “These Are My People”)

1970 [41] Vince Vaughn, Minneapolis MN, movie actor (“Wedding Crashers”, “Old School”)/Jennifer Aniston’s former boyfriend (2005-06)

1975 [36] Kate Gosselin, Philadelphia PA, reality TV personality (“Twist of Kate” 2010, “Dancing With the Stars” 2010, “Kate Plus 8” 2010, “Jon & Kate Plus 8” 2007-09)

1976 [35] Dave Keuning, Pella IA, rock guitarist (The Killers-“When You Were Young”, “Mr Brightside”)

1981 [30] Julia Stiles, NYC, movie actress (“The Bourne Ultimatum”, “Save the Last Dance”)/TV actress (“Dexter” 2010)

1986 [25] Lady Gaga (Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta), NYC, pop singer (“Born This Way”, “Just Dance”)  BS FACTOID: “Forbes Magazine” ranks her #7 on its annual list of the ‘World’s 100 Most Powerful Women’.

1986 [25] J-Kwon (Jarrell Jones), St Louis MO, one-hit-wonder rapper (“Tipsy”)

• “Hot Tub Day”, time to soak yourself in a steaming hot tub and bust the stress. Yum, human stew! A few tub quotes here …

• “Something On a Stick Day”, celebrating corn dogs, shish kebabs, Popsicles, ice cream bars, and anything else that’s served on a stick. It’s estimated there are more than 3 dozen foods regularly served on a stick at fairs and carnivals, including deep-fried candy bars, deep-fried Twinkies, and chocolate-covered bananas. Beersicle, anyone?

• “Weed Appreciation Day”. Not THAT kind of weed, you freaks! This is a salute to plants that grow wild which, though classified as weeds, have a beauty all their own. Think of them as wildflowers and see if that helps.

1986 [25] More than 6,000 radio stations of all formats play the charity song “We Are the World” simultaneously at 10:15 am EST to raise awareness of famine and disease in Africa

1995 [16] Oddball singer Lyle Lovett and actress Julia Roberts announce they are separating after 21 months of marriage (right after she gets the prescription for her contacts renewed)

1994 [17] 1st ‘Eggvertising’, as a phone company ad is printed on eggs in Britain (and that’s no yolk!)

1999 [12] Venus Williams beats kid sister Serena 6-1, 4-6, 6-4 to win the Lipton Championship, the 1st all-sister women’s tennis final in 115 years

1983 [28] Fred Jipp is sentenced to 28 years in prison in Phoenix AZ for fraud and bigamy after allegedly marrying 104 women in 28 countries over a 30-year period

[Tues] Knights of Columbus Day
[Tues] Mom & Pop Business Owners Day
[Tues] Smoke & Mirrors Day
[Wed] Doctors Day
[Wed] Take a Walk In the Park Day
[Thurs] She’s Funny That Way Day
[Fri] April Fools Day

Cleaning Week / Early Childhood Week / Protocol Officers Week / Root Canal Awareness Week / YoYo & Skill Toys Week


A highlight bit culled from 17 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
• You’ve taught your kids not to take candy from strangers … UNLESS it’s chocolate.
• A bartender has cut you off for too many shots of crème de cacao.
• You just ran out of all the Glosettes your buried in the backyard for the Winter.
• You have no patience for ‘cute candy’, preferring instead something that comes in a ‘brick’.
• The only reason you want to save the rain forest is to save the cocoa trees.
• You named your daughter ‘Hershey’.
• You own a chocolate Lab … and you help him lick himself.
(Originally appeared in “BS” 2005)

What have you lost – or fortunately had returned – after leaving it in a pocket of clothing taken to the cleaners? (Some 17,000 USB flashdrives were found in pants pockets by cleaners last year.)

• Which are most often the defendants in civil lawsuits?
a. Businesses. [CORRECT 48% are businesses; 40% individuals; 7% governments; 5% hospitals.]
b. Governments.
c. Individuals.
– “USA Today”

• To clean up your rusty screwdriver you should scrub it with aluminum foil dipped in what?
a. Gatorade.
b. Grapefruit juice.
c. Coke. [CORRECT. Any cola should do the job. Imagine what it’s doing to your gut!]
– “Skinflint News”

You can tell when politicians are lying … they move their lips.

Today’s Question: Experts say THIS is only beneficial if it lasts 20 seconds or longer.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A hug.

Things too stupid to be spoken are often sung.

Printer Friendly Version