Tuesday March 6, 2012        Edition: #4699

Our Sheet Don’t Stink!

A rep for Christina Hendricks has confirmed the 36-year-old “Mad Men” actress has had her phone hacked but insists a ‘leaked’ topless photo of her currently circulating online is a total  fake (funny how all this happens just as the 5th season of “Mad Men” is about to debut March 25th) . . . “People” magazine reports Ashton Kutcher has been to visit estranged wife Demi Moore following her release from rehab, but only for the sake of her 3 daughters whom he remains close to (the bastard – oops, did we say that out loud?) . . . Meanwhile, 49-year-old Demi is thought to be recuperating at a Caribbean resort near Parrot Cay in the Turks & Caicos Islands that can only be accessed by boat (or press helicopters) . . . It looks like “Big Bang Theory” star Kaley Cuoco’s relationship just exploded as she’s called off her engagement to Josh Resnik, an ‘addiction specialist’ (from which end?) . . . Lindsay Lohan’s “Saturday Night Live” appearance managed to score the show’s 2nd-highest rating of the season (people tuning in hoping she’d bomb?) . . . The $70.7-million opening weekend for “De Seuss’ The Lorax” gives it the biggest box office debut so far this year (yes, even bigger than that Madonna blockbuster “W.E.”) . . . Kim, Kourtney, and Khloé Kardashian have been named in a $5-million lawsuit connected to the ‘QuickTrim’ diet pills they flog (you know what that means – they’re gonna do another lame reality series) . . . As the “Desperate Housewives” lawsuit continues in an LA court, litigating former star Nicollette Sheridan has been ordered by a judge to ‘calm down’ after an outburst on the witness stand (some of the best acting she’s ever done!) . . . And late “60 Minutes” curmudgeon Andy Rooney, who passed away last November at age 92, has left a fortune of some $9 million to be split amongst his 4 children (it’s said that surprising amount is largely due to the fact he was a compulsive penny-pincher).


• “Breaking In” (FOX) – Christian Slater & company return in the 2nd season premiere.
• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – WZRD (“WZRD”).
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CTV2) – Lenny Kravitz (“Black & White America”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – Tower of Power (“40th Anniversary Live”). Rerun.
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Kylesa (“Spiral Shadow”). Rerun.
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Wale (“Ambition”). Rerun.
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Yelawolf w/Kid Rock (“Radioactive”). Rerun.
• “Marilyn Denis Show” (CTV/CTV2) – Kelly Clarkson (“Stronger”).
• “Robert Johnson at 100” (NYC) – Tonight’s tribute concert at the Apollo Theater celebrating the centennial of legendary bluesman Robert Johnson includes performances by Elvis Costello, Macy Gray, Otis Taylor, The Roots, Sam Moore, and Todd Rundgren among others. Proceeds go toward building the Blues Hall Of Fame in Memphis, Tennessee.
NET: http://www.robertjohnson100.com
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Chris Colfer (“Glee”); Aerosmith’s Joe Perry (“I’ve Got the Rock ‘n Rolls Again”); Madonna (“MDNA”, coming March 26). Rerun.


• Adele – The 23-year-old is said to have hired a female bodyguard to keep her company in her $11-million home in Sussex, England because the massive place ‘gives her the creeps’. The mansion, which used to be a convent, features 2 swimming pools and its own private chapel.
• Akon – He’s already being sued by a contractor who claims he failed to pay for renovations to his Georgia mansion, and now his own lawyers have filed a suit against him over an allegedly unpaid bill totaling more than $39,000.
• Beyoncé – UK’s “The Sun” is reporting she and pal Gwyneth Paltrow are believed to have rented a villa in Tuscany, Italy for a yoga-based vacation. Beyoncé is expected to take 2-month-old daughter Blue Ivy, while Gwyneth will bring along daughter Apple (7) and son Moses (5).
• Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band – Today their new album “Wrecking Ball” is released. They’ll embark on a North American tour in support of the album on March 18th in Atlanta, Georgia. After that, the band will head to Europe for the Summer.
• Justin Bieber – His new single “Boyfriend” will be out March 26th. It will be the first new song from his forthcoming album “Believe”, which does not yet have a release date.
• Katy Perry – Tonight she guest-stars on FOX-TV’s “Raising Hope”, playing a prison attendant who claims to be a past friend of ‘Sabrina’ (Shannon Woodward). Perry tells “Hollywood Reporter” she agreed to the role because Woodward is her best friend.
• Lady Gaga – The 25-year-old reportedly wants to have a baby within a year, an insider saying she’s already doodling baby names on scraps of paper and has been bragging about how beautiful a baby would be via her handsome boyfriend Taylor Kinney (“Vampire Diaries”).
• Michael Jackson – A pair of British hackers are accused of stealing more than 50,000 files from Sony Music, including Jackson’s entire back catalogue. The alleged security breach comes less than a year after the personal data of more than 70 million Sony PlayStation account-holders was stolen. Perhaps not surprisingly, Sony has declined to comment.


• “Footloose” ( PG-13 Musical Dramedy ): In this ill-advised remake of the 1984 movie, Kenny Wormald plays a city kid who moves to a small town where rock ‘n roll and dancing have been banned, and his rebellious spirit shakes up the populace. Co-stars Julianne Hough, Dennis Quaid.
• “Immortals” ( R-Rated Action Fantasy ): Henry Cavill stars as ‘Theseus’, the mortal chosen by ‘Zeus’ to lead the fight against the ruthless ‘King Hyperion’, who is on a rampage across Greece to obtain a weapon that can destroy humanity. Co-stars Mickey Rourke, John Hurt, Stephen Dorff, Freida Pinto. Shot in Montréal.
• “Jack & Jill” ( PG Comedy ): Adam Sandler plays twins. What’s so funny about that? One of them is a woman. The story follows a family guy trying to cope with the dreaded annual Thanksgiving visit of his identical twin sister, who this time refuses to leave. Co-stars Katie Holmes, Al Pacino, and Dana Carvey in his first theatrical movie appearance in 9 years.
• “Like Crazy” ( PG-13 Romantic Drama ): When a British college student (Felicity Jones) falls for her American classmate (Anton Yelchin) they embark on a passionate and life-changing journey only to be separated when she violates the terms of her visa. Co-stars Jennifer Lawrence. Winner of the ‘Grand Jury Prize for Best Picture’ at 2011 Sundance Film Festival.
• Also released today: “Above Suspicion: Set 1” (TV); “Agatha Christie’s Poirot: Series 3” (TV); “Game of Thrones: The Complete 1st Season” (TV); “Happily Divorced: Season 1” (TV); “HawthoRNe: The Complete Final Season” (TV); “The Lion King 2: Simba’s Pride” (Animation); “Tennessee Tuxedo & His Tales: The Complete Collection” (Animation); “Transformers Prime: Season 1” (Animation); and “VeggieTales: Robin Good & His Not-So-Merry Men” (Animation).


• Longwood, Florida – The 5th-oldest tree in the world has burned to the ground. Nicknamed ‘The Senator’, the USA’s largest pond cypress was estimated to be 3,500-years-old. After discovering pics online, police arrested a 26-year-old woman who admits she was sitting inside the hollow tree doing meth when she and a friend lit the fire … so they could see better.
– Grist.org
• Tokyo, Japan – Owners of the city’s hugely popular cat cafés have their claws out against a new law that will force them to shut their establishments down at 8 pm. So what’s a cat café? The popular parlors are a refuge for stressed-out workers who show up after work to play with dozens of … cute little kitties.
– HuffingtonPost.com
• A disgusting ‘Nazi Chic’ fashion trend sweeping Thailand has teens outfitting themselves in tiny mustaches, armbands, swastikas, and cartoon Hitler shirts. Among the shocking items are shirts with popular characters like Ronald McDonald or the pink Teletubby altered to look like the German madman.
– DailyMail.co.uk
• Egan, Minnesota – A 21-year-old man has been arrested and charged with shoplifting after he attempted to leave a Walmart with … a 19-inch TV in his pants. He’s also been charged with 5th-degree felony possession of a controlled substance after the arresting officer found other items, including a remote control, power cords, and a bottle of brake fluid on him.
– StarTribune.com


• A new app can guide users through unfamiliar buildings by shining lighted arrows on the ground to show the way. The ‘Guiding Light’ app, developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, makes use of the projector built into many Samsung smartphones. The user wears a special badge with magnetic sensors that record changes in the magnetic field at each point in the building. The map is then loaded onto the phone, which projects arrows onto the floor. (Breaking and entering just got so much simpler!)
– UPI.com
• Brits will now be able to tone up as they hunker down thanks to the launch of bizarre new eating utensils. ‘Eat Fit Cutlery’ basically has dumbbells attached to the knives, forks, and spoons. The hefty chrome knife and fork weigh 1 kilo each … the equivalent of a bag of sugar. And the spoon weighs twice as much at 2 kg, heavier than a complete 32-piece set of regular stainless steel cutlery. The oddball product is said to be aimed at ‘gluttons in need of a workout’. (A locking muzzle might be more useful.)
– Metro.co.uk


We all know economic times have been tough, but if you happen to have an extra $25-million that you are willing to let JPMorgan Chase manage for you, there is at least one perk you can expect to receive that you won’t find anywhere else … the ‘JP Morgan Palladium Card’. The card has been around for 3 years (although us hoi polloi wouldn’t know it) and a couple of thousand have been issued. The card itself is actually made from palladium and 23-karat gold, reportedly putting its cost in materials alone at about $1,000, giving it real heft when you hold it in your hand. (This is a card thieves want to steal … just to melt it down!)
– Bloomberg News


The World Gold Council estimates that only 165,000 tonnes (182,000 tons) of gold have EVER been mined in the history of the world.
– PopBitch.com


1946 [66] David Gilmour, Cambridge UK, classic rock singer/guitarist (Pink Floyd-“Wish You Were Here”, “Another Brick In the Wall”)

1947 [65] Rob Reiner, Bronx NY, movie producer/director/writer (“The Bucket List”, “A Few Good Men”)/ex-TV actor (“All In the Family” 1971-78)

1972 [40] Shaquille O’Neal, Newark NJ, retired (1992-2011) NBA player (Boston Celtics, Cleveland Cavaliers, Phoenix Suns, Miami Heat, LA Lakers, Orlando Magic)/15-time All-Star

1984 [28] Chris Tomson, NYC, indie rock drummer (Vampire Weekend-“Cousins”, “A-Punk”)

• “Celebrate Your Name Week” continues today with “Unique Names Day”, set aside to salute friends, acquaintances, and loved ones who have a unique name. Let’s appreciate them for going through life without seeing their names on retail items like ready-made key chains, etc.
NET: http://www.freewebs.com/namesuniverse/

• “Dentist’s Day”, honoring the professionals who help us maintain a big, toothy smile … for a big fee. The business of dentistry has an average profit margin of about 17%, higher than any other industry.

• “Frozen Food Day”, commemorating the first ‘Individually Packaged Frozen Foods’, created by Clarence Birdseye in Springfield, Massachusetts 82 years ago (1930). He got the idea after seeing  Canadians thawing and eating naturally frozen fish.

• “Headache Relief Day”, marking the patenting of ‘Aspirin’ on this date in 1899 by the Bayer Company of Germany. ‘Aspirin’ is a much easier way of asking for acetylsalicylic acid.

• “Southern Drawl Day”, a good excuse for y’all to talk funny like yer from the Deep South USA. Might we suggest …
✓ “Gad night a livin’!” (good grief)
✓ “Higher than a Georgia pine” (drunk)
✓ “I’m fixin’ to go down the road a piece” (traveling a short distance)
✓ “Well, I’ll just swaney!” (I’ll be darned)
✓ “We better git on the stick!” (time to get started)
✓ “She’s the knee-baby of the family” (next to youngest)
There’s a whole mess more here …
NET: http://dofb.com/misc/encyclopedia-of-southern-expressions/

2000 [12] With his induction into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame as a solo artist, Eric Clapton becomes the 1st to be so-honored 3 times (also as a member of Cream and The Yardbirds)

2007 [05] Arcade Fire releases hit album “Neon Bible”

1912 [100] 1st ‘Oreo’ cookies sold, and over 491 billion have sold since. A few facts …
• Nabisco introduced Oreos to compete with ‘Hydrox Biscuit Bonbons’. (Seemed to work.)
• Of people who eat Oreo cookies, 50% twist their cookie apart before eating it.
• The ‘twist, lick, and dunk’ ritual has become so prevalent a special Cookie Dunker was invented to keep your fingers from getting wet when dunking your cookie in a glass of milk.
• The floral design on the Oreo cookie consists of 12 flowers per side.
• There are now some 47 Oreos products including ‘Original’, ‘Mini’, ‘Chocolate Creme’, ‘Reduced Fat’, ‘Oreo Double Stuf’, ‘Fudge Covered’, ‘Fudge Mint Covered’, and 3 types of ‘Double Delights’ (Peanut Butter & Chocolate, Mint & Creme, Coffee Creme).
NET: http://www.nabiscoworld.com/oreo/

1982 [30] Susan Birmingham sets world record for ‘Loudest Human Shout’ at 120 decibels (an intensity on par with sitting in the front row at a rock concert)

1982 [30] ‘Most Points Scored’ by 2 NBA teams as San Antonio beats Milwaukee 171-166 in  triple overtime (total points – 337!)

2002 [10] Brazilian weight-training instructor Edmar Freitas finishes sweating his way through 111,000 sit-ups in 24 hours to claim a new world record, beating the previous mark of 103,000

2007 [05] Mega Millions lottery sets a new world record for ‘Highest Jackpot Ever Offered’ at $390 million

[Wed] Learn What Your Name Means Day
[Wed] World Maths Day
[Wed] Cereal Day
[Thurs] 32nd Genie Awards (Toronto)
[Thurs] Full ‘Worm’ Moon
[Thurs] International Women’s Day
This Week Is … Cheerleading Week
This Month Is … Cataract Awareness Month


• “I’m a fat guy and I was wondering if I could buy just a tub of cream filling?”
• “Will you walk me through how to eat these things one more time?”
• “Can I use the white center as a substitute for shaving cream?”
• “How many proofs-of-purchase for an angioplasty?”
• “Can you tell me over the phone if I have some black stuff stuck in my teeth?”
• “Mmmmmmm!”

Hot dogs are best when served with a ballgame.


☎ In what weird location have you lost your phone and finally retrieved it?

Question: New research shows that THIS is more likely to occur from 8-to-9 am than at any other time.
Answer: A heart attack.

Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails.

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