Thursday, March 8, 2012        Edition: #4701

If the Sheet Fits, Buy It!

Yet another singing competition is coming to TV this Summer as The CW network will air “The Star Next Door”, featuring Queen Latifah, Gloria Estefan, and John Rich (Big & Rich) as its judges/mentors (more deceased horse flogging) . . . Oprah Winfrey has already sat down with Whitney Houston’s family, including Bobbi Kristina and Bobby Brown, for a special edition of “Oprah’s Next Chapter” (OWN), airing this Sunday (“I’ll get people to watch my channel even if I have to do it all by myself!”) . . . Newly-engaged Nicole ‘Snooki’ Polizzi (“Jersey Shore”) is still in the early stages of pregnancy but already has a list of names in mind for her baby that includes ‘Gia’, ‘Giana’, and ‘Isabella’ if it’s a girl; and ‘Frankie’, ‘Jionni Jr’, and ‘Tony’ if it’s not (can’t believe we’re actually talking about this) . . . “NY Post” says it looks like BFFs Jennifer Aniston & Courteney Cox may be heading toward splitsville and it’s all because Aniston is so tight with her boyfriend Justin Theroux that Cox feels left out (awww) . . . “Daily Star” claims that British royal Prince Harry (27) is secretly wooing pop babe Katy Perry (also 27) after learning she has the hots for him (she recently referred to him as the ‘Ginger Ninja’) . . . It’s been revealed that Tina Fey was supposed to pop up during Lindsay Lohan’s “Saturday Night Live” monologue last weekend, but had to miss the gig because – both her kids were sick (now there’s a convenient excuse EVERY parent has used) . . . And songwriter Robert Sherman, who composed many of the classic Disney movie tunes with his brother, has died at age 86 (he’s the one to blame for that all-time ear-worm “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious”).

• “American Idol” (FOX/CTV) – Season 10 runner-up Lauren Alaina returns to perform her single “Georgia Peaches”; Mary J Blige (“Mr Wrong”) performs; the contestants face elimination.
• “Colbert Report” (Comedy Central/CTV) – Emmylou Harris (“Hard Bargain”).
• “Genie Awards” (CBC) – Andrea Martin & George Stroumboulopoulos host the 32nd annual celebration of Canadian cinema, live from Toronto. Jean-Marc Vallée’s “Café de Flore” leads nominations with 13, followed by David Cronenberg’s “A Dangerous Method” with 11.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – Mat Kearney (“Young Love”). Rerun.
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Tonight Foster the People (“Torches”). Rerun.
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Young Jeezy/f Ne-Yo (“TM 103: Hustlerz Ambition”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Airborne Toxic Event (“All at Once”). Rerun.
• “Marilyn Denis Show” (CTV/CTV2) – KISS frontman Gene Simmons.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Tonight Adam Levine (Maroon 5); Chiddy Bang (“The Preview”). Rerun.

• Enrique Iglesias – The 36-year-old singer tells “Parade” magazine he has no plans to marry his girlfriend of 11 years, Anna Kournikova (30), because he doesn’t think you love someone more as a result of a piece of paper. Luckily for him, Kournikova shares his views on marriage.
• Garth Brooks – He’s set to be inducted into the Country Music Hall of Fame, in the ‘Modern Era Artist’ category. Joining him will be Connie Smith (‘Veterans Era Artist’) and Hargus ‘Pig’ Robbins (‘Recording and/or Touring Musician Active Prior to 1980’). With the 3 additions, the Hall of Fame membership will total 118.
• John Lennon – According to the new book “BackStage Pass VIP”, he suffered from bulimia and ‘food fetishes’. Author Debra Sharon Davis claims his weight fluctuated wildly because he loved to eat but hated the feeling of being full … so he’d purge.
• Kathleen Edwards – “Change the Sheets” is from the Canadian singer/songwriter’s new album “Voyageur”, produced and co-written by her boyfriend Justin Vernon of folk band Bon Iver.
• Katy Perry – She talks with Kristen Wiig (“Saturday Night Live”) in the new issue of “Interview” magazine, saying her music is ‘about to get real f–ing dark’, and that her next record is likely to be a little bit more of ‘an artistic venture’. (Oh well, nice career while it lasted.)
• Madonna – Will she be “Like a Virgin” a 3rd time? Rumor has it her 24-year-old boy-toy Brahim Zaibat has popped the question after dating for 2+ years, but she’s taking her time and having a serious think about the proposal.
• Trace Adkins – Tonight his new “Songs & Stories Tour” starts in Des Moines, Iowa.


A BS selection of movies in the making …
• “Brilliant” – Gerard Butler’s acting career appears to be back on track after his recent rehab stint. He’s replacing Eric Bana in this upcoming diamond-heist thriller. He’ll team up with his “Ugly Truth” director Robert Luketic to headline the new movie when filming gets underway in Massachusetts this May.
• “A Good Day to Die Hard” – Yup, 56-year-old Bruce Willis is set to play bad-ass cop ‘John McClane’ yet one more time (his 5th). But it’ll be Aussie export Jai Courtney (“Spartacus”) who’ll serve as the movie’s male eye-candy. “Star Trek” veteran Patrick Stewart is also rumored to be co-starring, playing a Russian general. The action pic’s due in theaters in 2013.
• “The Muppets 2” – Executive producer, co-writer, and star Jason Segal has confirmed he will NOT be appearing in the sequel as he wants to ‘pursue more human-related projects’, though he may return in some behind-the-scenes capacity. Director James Bobin and writer Nick Stoller have already been signed to create a sequel. The original grossed $153 million worldwide.
• “The Railway Man” – Colin Firth is set to star in this upcoming drama about a prisoner of war who reunites with one of his Japanese captors 30 years later. Nicole Kidman has stepped in to replace Rachel Weisz, playing Firth’s onscreen wife. Shooting begins in Scotland later this year, before moving to Australia’s Gold Coast. It’s due for release in 2013.
• “RoboCop” – Actor Joel Kinnaman (“Safe House”) has signed up for the main role in this remake that’s set to begin shooting this month. The story follows a police officer who is brutally murdered and subsequently re-created as a super-human cyborg. Peter Weller starred in the original 1987 film and the first of its 2 sequels.


Consumerism is being redefined in the mobile-device age, and the model is spreading among professionals and families in ways that were little anticipated. Whether it’s a power tie for a job interview, an educational puzzle for a 2-year-old, or a dress for a formal gala … we bought these items at the mall a decade ago, but today we can rent them with a smartphone. Just pay a monthly fee; rent your object of desire; then return it when it bores or becomes useless. It’s easy, on-demand, non-committal. (Uh, remember when mom used to say don’t touch that, you don’t know where it’s been?)
– “Washington Post”


A neuro-scientist at the Swiss Federal Institute of Technology is planning to build a brain from scratch. Henry Markram believes the only way to understand how human brains work (and why they often don’t) is to create one. If his ‘Human Brain Project’ is successful, the resulting model will become available for scientists to do with as they please, whether it’s subjecting it to a barrage of experiments, flooding it with experimental drugs, or intentionally disrupting its processes to observe the effects. (Far better than subjecting rats & chimps to all this crap!)

Late to work again? Don’t settle for drab excuses like ‘traffic’ or ‘oversleeping’ – your boss has undoubtedly heard those before. Some of the more outrageous justifications reported by a recent poll of over 3,000 employers include …
✓ Employee’s cat had the hiccups.
✓ Employee got distracted watching the “Today” show on TV.
✓ Employee thought she had won the lottery (she hadn’t).
✓ Employee’s angry roommate cut the cord to his phone charger, so it didn’t charge and his alarm didn’t go off.
✓ Employee believed his commute time should count toward his work hours.
✓ Employee claimed a fox stole her car keys.
✓ Employee’s leg was trapped between a subway car and the platform (turned out to be true).
✓ Employee was late because of a job interview with another firm.


The economic cost of disasters in 2011 was the highest in history, with a price tag of at least $380 billion, mainly due to earthquakes in Japan and New Zealand. UN envoy Margareta Wahlstrom, a specialist in Disaster Risk Reduction, says that figure is two-thirds higher than the previous record in 2005 when Hurricane Katrina struck the southern United States. In addition to the earthquakes, major floods in Thailand and other countries caused extensive damage last year. (This explains why ‘preppers’ are spending oodles of money on emergency shelters and food & water stashes.)
– Associated Press


The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by the ancient Egyptians about 2000 BC. (“Before we do that, Ramses, did you bring something with you … like reptile feces?”)


1945 [67] Micky Dolenz, LA CA, oldies singer (The Monkees-I”m a Believer”, “Last Train to Clarksville”)

1976 [36] Freddie Prinze Jr, LA CA, TV actor (“24” 2010, “Freddie” 2005-06)/movie actor (“Scooby-Doo” movies, “She’s All That”)/Mr Sarah Michelle Gellar since 2002

1979 [33] Andy Ross, Worcester MA, rock guitarist (OK Go-“Here It Goes Again”, “Get Over It”)

1982 [30] Kat Von D (Katherine von Drachenberg), Monterrey, Mexico, tattoo artist/reality TV star (“LA Ink” 2007-11, “Miami Ink” 2005-06)/formerly engaged to West Coast Choppers CEO-reality TV star Jesse James/former girlfriend of Motley Crue’s Nikki Sixx (2008-10)


• “Full Moon” of March, known as the ‘Worm Moon’ as earthworms reappear after Winter, heralding the return of the robins. It’s also been called the ‘Crow Moon’ and the ‘Sap Moon’.

• “Girls Write Now Day”, celebrating female writers worldwide as part of “International Women’s Day”.

• “Holi”, the 2-day Hindu Spring festival also known as the “Festival of Colors”. On the 1st day, bonfires are lit at night; on the 2nd day, celebrants toss colored powder & water on one other.

• “International Women’s Day”, first suggested at a 1910 women’s conference in Copenhagen by activist Clara Zetkin. The first “IWD” was observed in Germany the next year. It’s a national holiday in China and Russia, where female workers are presented with flowers and gifts.

• “Organize Your Home Office Day”. Get people with home offices to call in, then ask “What are you wearing right now?” Studies show an inordinate number of those who work at home still dress in office attire every day in order to ‘get into work mode’.

• “Popcorn Lover’s Day”, observed on the 2nd Thursday of March as a salute to one of our favorite snack foods. Popcorn is actually good for you when eaten plain; but not quite so healthy when loaded with salt and butter (or whatever that goo is they use in movie theaters).

• “World Kidney Day”, an annual global health awareness campaign on the 2nd Thursday of March focused on reducing the frequency and impact of kidney disease and its associated health problems worldwide. The 2012 theme is ‘Donate Kidneys For Life’.


1962 [50] The Beatles make their TV debut on the BBC’s “Teenager’s Turn”, performing Roy Orbison’s “Dream Baby”


1985 [27] John McPherson of Newcastle, England sets a new record by kissing 4,444 women in 8 hours (ew, how’d you like to be sloppy number 4,443?)

1998 [14] Surgeons in Chongqing, China remove 2 of a 32-year-old farmer’s 3 tongues to allow him to speak and eat normally for the first time in 20 years (he’d grown a 2nd tongue at age 5 and a 3rd by age 12)


[Fri] “A Thousand Words”; “Friends With Kids”; John Carter”, “Salmon Fishing In the Yemen” open in movie theaters
[Fri] Barbie Day
[Fri] Middle Name Pride Day
[Sat] Landline Telephone Day
[Sun] Daylight Saving Time begins
[Sun] Check Your Batteries Day
[Sun] World Plumbing Day
This Week Is … Professional Pet Sitters Week
This Month Is … Sing With Your Child Month


• “Come to this hydrant often?”
• “I know a nice place where we can drink out of the toilet.”
• “I’ve been trained to sniff out explosives and I can tell you’re dynamite!”
• “This kennel is so full of phonies.”
• “Aw c’mon … I’m getting neutered tomorrow!”
• “My friend and I have a bet. I say you’re part-Collie.”
• “Even a garden hose couldn’t stop me from loving you.”


☎ What’s the most unusual item your spouse/partner keeps in the bathroom? (According to a recent study, the average male has 6 personal items in the family bathroom whereas the average woman has 65.)


How dumb is he? Why he’s …
● A few beers short of a six-pack.
● A few clowns short of a circus.
● A few clues shy of a solution.
● A room temperature IQ.
● A semi-tone flat on the high notes.
● A titanic intellect in a world full of icebergs.
● All booster, no payload.


No matter who you vote for, ‘The Government’ always gets in.


• What part of a wine bottle is known as the ‘kick’ or ‘punt’?
a. The indentation on the bottom. [CORRECT.]
b. The ridge around the rim.
c. The contents.
– “New York Public Library Book of Answers”

• Which animal can go without water longer than a camel?
a. Kangaroo.
b. Rat. [CORRECT]
c. Smallmouth Bass.


Question: We do THIS an average of 5 times per day.
Answer: Yawn.


If you want to be miserable, hate somebody. If you want to be happy, love somebody.

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