Wednesday, March 9, 2011        Edition: #4458
Get Sheet-Faced Every Morning!

Producer/director Martin Scorsese (“Boardwalk Empire”) is in financial trouble again, facing a past-due notice from the IRS for $2.85 million in taxes (he previously had to pay off $1.9 million overdue from 2002-03 – time to get a new accountant?) . . . Actor Al Pacino is also in the IRS doghouse, reportedly owing close to $200K in back taxes (the above two are slated to work together on soon-to-shoot movie, “The Irishman” – guess where the money’s going?) . . . Actress Gwyneth Paltrow is set to record her first album after inking a $900,000-recording contract with the Atlantic label (tentative album title: “Knitting Needles in Your Eardrums”) . . . “True Blood” actor Sam Trammell (‘Sam Merlotte’) & girlfriend Missy Yager are expecting twins, (which will make his life even busier when his show returns to HBO in June) . . . “Harry Potter” actress Emma Watson says she’s taking a break from her studies at Ivy League school Brown University to ‘focus on her career’ (BS translation: It’s too haaard) . . . If retired California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger wants to get back into acting, he can pick up right where he left off as he’s been offered roles in remakes of “Terminator”, “Predator” and “The Running Man” (aren’t there better roles for a 63-year-old?) . . . Deadline Hollywood reports that the CBS-TV sitcom “How I Met Your Mother” has been renewed for another 2 seasons (because the “Two-and-a-Half Men” gravy train is now off the books) . . . While daddy Tom Cruise films “Mission Impossible 4” in Vancouver, daughter Suri has been spotted walking down the street with her mom while sucking on a pacifier – even though she turns 5 in April (moms are all up in arms) . . . And despite what Twitter says, actor Adam Sandler is still very much alive, not killed in a snowboarding accident in Switzerland (it’s his career that’s R.I.P.).

• “American Idol” (FOX/CTV) – Finalists perform live for the first time in a 2-hour episode.
• “Gayle King” (OWN) – Josh Groban (“Illuminations”).
• “Good Morning America” (ABC) – Sara Evans (“Stronger”) performs live as part of the ‘Winter Concert Series’.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Jamie Foxx (“Best Night Of My Life”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Alberta Cross (“Broken Side of Time”).
• “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” (CBS) – Trace Adkins (“Cowboy’s Back in Town”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/Omni) – Bryan Ferry (“Olympia”).
• “Lopez Tonight” (TBS) – Lupe Fiasco (“Lasers”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Randy Rogers Band (“Burning the Day”).
• “The View” (ABC/CTV) – Avril Lavigne (“Goodbye Lullaby”).

• Blake Shelton – He’s been announced as the 4th and final coach for the upcoming NBC-TV singing competition “The Voice”. He’ll join Adam Levine (Maroon 5), Cee-Lo Green, and Christina Aguilera when the series debuts April 26th.
• Brad Paisley – His upcoming album will feature the duet “Remind Me” with Carrie Underwood, plus legendary actor/director Clint Eastwood whistling on an instrumental track simply titled “Eastwood”.
• The Eagles – Tonight they perform in China for the first time, at the Mercedes-Benz Arena in Shanghai. Their “Long Road Out of Eden” world tour will also hit Beijing, Hong Kong, and Taipei.
• Eric Clapton – Over 70 of his guitars will be auctioned off next week to raise funds for his Crossroads Residential Drug Treatment Center in Antigua. Some of the most valuable guitars are expected to bring in as much as $30,000 each.
• Kanye West – His rep is denying rumors that Kanye’s enrolled in fashion school at London’s Central Saint Martins College of Art & Design.
• Miranda Lambert – It’s been announced the big wedding day for her & fellow country music star Blake Shelton is May 14th.

New terms leaking into the lingo …
• ‘Civilogue’ – A civil dialogue, particularly one in which the participants avoid insults, personal attacks, and negative generalizations. (“Please stop the sniping and see if we can’t have a civilogue to decide who gets what in the divorce.”)
• ‘Jail Mail’ – A letter to the editor sent by a prison inmate. (“Dear Editor: I wanna talk about how Big Lucy stole my toothbrush to make into a shiv …”)
• ‘Retox’ – To resume the consumption of alcohol, caffeine, or similar substances after a period of detoxification. (“Charlie was doing really well after rehab but then he decided to retox and throw a 36-hour party.”)

A BS compendium of recent ‘discoveries’ …
• Scientists say … Santa’s on the move! The Magnetic North Pole is currently relocating toward Russia from the icy wilderness of Canada at a rate of about 40 miles (65 km) a year, prompting speculation the field could be about to ‘flip’, causing compasses to invert and point South rather than North. (That’s nothing new; it happens 3-to-7 times … every million years.)
– “The Independent”
• Scientists say …  a single bite from the Brazilian Wandering Spider can cause … a 4-hour erection. Researchers at the Medical College of Georgia believe the creepy crawler’s venom could lead to a new cure for erectile dysfunction. (Kind of a weird way to take your medicine.)
– “Globe & Mail”
• Scientists say … toenail clippings can be used to predict the risk of lung cancer years before the disease develops. According to University of San Diego researchers, the discovery could pave the way for doctors to screen for lung tumors in a new way. (“OK, chew off some samples and spit them in this cup …”)
– “Daily Mail”

Ever wonder what the colors of the plastic tags on loaves of bread represent? They’re a code designating the day of the week on which the loaf was baked …
• Blue … Monday
• Green … Tuesday
• Red … Thursday
• White … Friday
• Yellow … Saturday
An easy way to remember it – the colors run in alphabetical order so the earlier they appear in the alphabet, the earlier in the week the bread was baked. (Or you could just look at the date stamped on the tag.)

• A 61-year-old Oregon man has told emergency responders that he fell asleep on his couch and woke up to find … pieces of his foot missing, including 3 toes. Where’d it go? His dog ate it! Investigators speculate the pooch may have been trying to rid his owner of dead tissue and wasn’t ‘acting out of meanness.’ The man, who is diabetic and has no feeling in his feet, is being treated in hospital. (He now takes naps with his boots on.)
– AP
• Cops may soon have a new way to sniff out criminals. Scientists at Bath University in England say preliminary research shows noses are more distinctive than fingerprints or eye scans. Dr Adrian Evans says noses are much easier to photograph and harder to conceal, so a system that recognizes noses would work better with an uncooperative subject or during covert surveillance. (Yeah, but how often do you find noseprints on a gun?)
• An Anglican priest from Trail BC has become the first person in the world to get a PhD in … snowboarding. Neil Elliot, minister at St Andrew’s Anglican Church, recently received his doctorate from Kingston University in London, England. His thesis examined the connection between snowboarding and spirituality. (Wow man, you got righteous air on that Alley Oop!)
– CBC News
• A German radio station is offering listeners the chance to win cash to cover … the cost of their own funeral. More than 600 contestants have sent in their own headstone epitaph for the Radio Galaxy competition in Aschaffenburg. The grand prize is $4,000, which has to be spent on death insurance to cover funeral expenses. (People are just dying to enter!)
– BBC News

A new dating website will help you find someone who looks … just like you. Christina Bloom is the founder of, which will open for business later this month. She says she was inspired to build the website after people kept telling her that she and her ex-husband look a lot alike. So this website will use facial mapping software to match you up with someone just like you by zeroing in on eyes, ears, nose, chin, and the corners & center of the mouth to find similarities. (No thanks, I want a woman with a better moustache.)
– “New York Magazine”

• 8.5 million viewers tune in each week to watch MTV’s “Jersey Shore”, making it the highest rated show in the network’s 30-year history.
– AC Nielsen
• The bands that have appeared on the most covers of “Rolling Stone” magazine are The Beatles, followed by the Rolling Stones, U2, and the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
• According to the UN, there are far more men than women on the planet. The gender gap is especially pronounced in Asia, where there are 100 million more males than females.
– “Newsweek”


1970 [41] Shannon Leto, Bossier City LA, alt-rock drummer (30 Seconds to Mars-“This is War”, “Kings & Queens”)/brother of actor-bandmate Jared Leto

1976 [35] Ben Mulroney, Montréal QC, cheesy CTV personality (“eTalk Daily” since 2002, “Canadian Idol” 2003-08)/son of former PM Brian Mulroney

1980 [31] Chingy (Howard Bailey Jr), St Louis MO, rapper (w/Tyrese-“Pullin’ Me Back”, “Right Thurr”)

1986 [25] Brittany Snow, Tampa FL, movie actress (“Prom Night”, “Hairspray”)/former TV actress (“American Dreams” 2002-05)

1987 [24] Bow Wow (Shad Moss), Columbus OH, movie actor (“The Fast & the Furious: Tokyo Drift”, “Roll Bounce”)/rapper (w/R Kelly-“I’m a Flirt”, w/Chris Brown-“Shortie Like Mine”)

• “Amerigo Vespucci Day” [‘vuhs-POOCH-ee’], commemorating the Italian’s 1451 birth in Florence. He’s the marginally-successful explorer that a European mapmaker chose as namesake for the ‘New World’, as in ‘North Amerigo’. Had he chosen the last name ‘Vespucci’ instead, things would have sounded a lot different!

• “Ash Wednesday”, the first day of “Lent” which occurs 46 days before the moveable Christian feast of “Easter”. It can occur as early as February 4 or as late as March 10. “Ash Wednesday” gets its name from the practice of placing ashes on the foreheads of the faithful as a sign of repentance. (So what unusual thing will you be ‘giving up for Lent’?)

• “Barbie Day”, the anniversary of the day the world’s most successful doll was first unveiled in 1959 at NYC’s “International Toy Fair”. More than 900 million Barbies have been sold since.

• “Get Over It Day”, whatever it is that’s put that chip on your shoulder … a perceived slight, a public embarrassment, a failed relationship. Today’s the day to get over it and get on with your life.

• “Global Marathon For, By, and About Women in Engineering & Technology”, a 2-day global observance that celebrates female techies. Throughout the 24-hour period, a conversation will take place somewhere in the world about women in engineering. The marathon includes live Internet chats, webcasts, and teleconferences.

• “Panic Day”, when you’re encouraged to run around all day telling people you just can’t handle it anymore. (In other words … just a regular day.)

• “Registered Dietitian Day”, the 4th annual observance commemorating the dedication of RDs as advocates who advance our nutritional status.

2005 [06] Dan Rather signs off for the last time as anchorman of “The CBS Evening News”

1997 [14] Notorious BIG (Christopher Wallace) dies at age 24 after a drive-by shooting in LA (best career move he ever made as “Life After Death”, released only weeks later, sells more than 10 million copies worldwide, making it one of the biggest rap albums of all-time)

1997 [14] Alanis Morissette, Shania Twain, and Céline Dion become the 1st recipients of the new ‘International Achievement Award’ at Canada’s annual “Juno Awards”

1964 [47] 1st Ford ‘Mustang’ car is manufactured (goes on to become a classic collectible)

1986 [25] In Yokohama, Japan ‘Steady Eddy’ Wolf of Loyal WI takes 27 steps on aluminum stilts 40 feet-6 inches tall, each weighing 55 lbs

1987 [24] In Ishikawa, Japan 800 builders complete the ‘World’s Largest Piece of Furniture’, a bench 1,512-feet-long that seats 1,400 people

[Thurs] International Day of Awesomeness
[Thurs] Mario Day
[Thurs] Name Tag Day
[Fri] Middle Name Pride Day
[Sat] “Rascal Flatts: Nothing Like This” (ABC)
[Sun] Check Your Batteries Day
[Sun] Daylight Saving Time Begins
This Week Is … Read an E-Book Week
This Month Is … Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Awareness Month


A sampling of terrible metaphors & similes taken from actual romance novels …
• “His body was hard, like the marble on your shower floor when you fall and bang your knee.”
• “Her embrace made his manhood swell like week-old roadkill on hot asphalt.”
• “Her petticoats dropped to the ground, rustling like a cockroach in a sugar bowl.”
• “Beatrice was on him like a piranha on a corn dog.”
• “Then he kissed her, like a butterfly kisses the windshield of a Porsche on the Autobahn.”
• “With each breath, her chest heaved like a bulimic after Thanksgiving dinner.”
• “His chest was her pillow, and oh, did she drool.”
• “Claire felt swept away by this dark stranger, a helpless dust bunny in the roaring cacophony of his gas-powered leaf blower.”

Latest survey shows that 3-out-of-4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

In 15th century England, which color was believed to be a fever reducer?
a. Red. [CORRECT. The ailing wore red underwear or pajamas and surrounded themselves with red objects.]
b. Blue.
c. White.

Should sick people come to work? Which is worse … having to pick up the slack for an absentee or the risk of catching something nasty?

Today’s Question: Most men believe women who have THIS are more likely to cheat on them.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A high-pitched voice.

Avoid criticism … say, do, and be nothing.

Printer Friendly Version